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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2016 11:52 pm 
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Having feeeeeeeeeelings about not having feelings. That makes no sense. But I feel so damn ambivalent about everything. And really want to go away from people and responsibilities.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2016 5:02 am 
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Mars wrote:
Having feeeeeeeeeelings about not having feelings. That makes no sense. But I feel so damn ambivalent about everything. And really want to go away from people and responsibilities.
Come and live with me on the boat I'm trying to buy. It may or may not be a mid one-third-of-life crisis. I haven't decided yet.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2016 4:20 pm 
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Gulliver wrote:
Mars wrote:
Having feeeeeeeeeelings about not having feelings. That makes no sense. But I feel so damn ambivalent about everything. And really want to go away from people and responsibilities.
Come and live with me on the boat I'm trying to buy. It may or may not be a mid one-third-of-life crisis. I haven't decided yet.

That sounds amazing! In the time since I've posted this I've been looking up properties in the woods... and I am turning 30 this year, so if all goes well this should also be my one-third-of-life crisis! I would totally come visit you on your boat - and you can totally come visit me in my cabin in the woods.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2016 6:01 pm 
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I had a lacklustre coming out* experience and I'm having feelings about it. I mean obviously I didn't want anyone to disown me or something, but it almost feels like it went unacknowledged. My sister commented and then deleted it and said she'd talk to me later (she hasn't) and it seems like no one else in my family (on FB) noticed. It almost feels like they aren't acknowledging it because they don't believe it (I'm nearly 37, married to a man, and have only been in relationships with cis/het men).

*pansexual

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 9:20 am 
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rachell37 wrote:
I had a lacklustre coming out* experience and I'm having feelings about it.

Maybe you should bring it up individually with people you want to talk to about it. Generic posts aren't likely to get a response or be taken as seriously by some people. Or it could just be an uncomfortable topic for family that they want to avoid.

I guess I'm saying that it feels like you want to talk about it with people but they don't know that, so you should specifically bring it up with them. Good luck!


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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2016 9:54 am 
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I'm feeling really alone today. Something that doesn't usually bother me. I've never had many friends or been popular or part of any kind of group or community so I don't know where this is coming from all of a sudden. I just feel as though my life is pointless sometimes, I am pointless. Stupid feelings.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2016 10:31 am 
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Rosie wrote:
I'm feeling really alone today. Something that doesn't usually bother me. I've never had many friends or been popular or part of any kind of group or community so I don't know where this is coming from all of a sudden. I just feel as though my life is pointless sometimes, I am pointless. Stupid feelings.


I was coming into this thread to say basically the same thing. I am really struggling with something that my circle of support doesn't seem to understand is something struggle worthy. So I have just sort of stopped talking to the whole three people I talk to. Like I can't even talk about casual stuff, because I'm hurt.

Sigh. Time to have a really long hard conversation with myself, I guess.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2016 9:12 pm 
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kfad wrote:
Rosie wrote:
I'm feeling really alone today. Something that doesn't usually bother me. I've never had many friends or been popular or part of any kind of group or community so I don't know where this is coming from all of a sudden. I just feel as though my life is pointless sometimes, I am pointless. Stupid feelings.


I was coming into this thread to say basically the same thing. I am really struggling with something that my circle of support doesn't seem to understand is something struggle worthy. So I have just sort of stopped talking to the whole three people I talk to. Like I can't even talk about casual stuff, because I'm hurt.

Sigh. Time to have a really long hard conversation with myself, I guess.


Maybe there is something in the air, but I've been feeling this way too. I keep a small social circle and my friends are supportive and I have a wonderful husband and inlaws but I just feel hopeless and unworthy and unlovable.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2016 10:35 pm 
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My social circle is 400 miles away. I moved here in October, and I've met very few people outside of work. I try to keep work and personal really separate, so I basically have no friends here. I've tried several meetup groups, I volunteered at one place for 4 months, and nothing (friend-wise) came of it. I'm still trying, but it's so emotionally exhausting to put myself out there - or to even just GO somewhere new - and it's so disappointing when I walk away feeling like it was wasted time and effort. I'm on the verge of breaking my work friends rule, so I have some people to hang out with.

I just want a friend or two. <sigh>

eta: I'm the very definition of an introvert, which makes all of this extra difficult.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:14 am 
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Zelavie, Moon, kfad, I'm sorry you are all going through such miserable times. I hope it gets better for everyone soon.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Sun Sep 04, 2016 1:04 pm 
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So many feelings you guys. So many. Mostly about feeling trapped in poverty while also completely being aware that it's really no one's fault but my own (and capitalism's - but seriously, like... I could say yes to capitalism and get a job I gave no forks about - but, well, um... I really really really don't want to).

And feeling trapped in Portland. I want change. But I have so many ties here I don't know to sever without ruining these relationships, and regretting it forever (see: my boyfriend, and three very close friends that I cherish like I never thought possible of friendships).

But I want to escape. I want to go to a place where I don't know anyone, and where nobody knows me. I want to live in a little apartment that's just mine. No roommates. Just me, a pekingese, and a cat. I often visualize this place being LA, for some very unknown reason I've always been drawn to it. But I also think a lot about attempting some kind of life in Europe. Or also, I think a lot about going back to Canada, though that seems the less glamorous of all the options (but the safest - see: it's my country of citizenship).

What am I doing????????

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:49 am 
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My parents, who I have not seen in over four years, are currently sitting on an airplane, over the Atlantic Ocean, coming to visit me. they will be here in less than 6 hours, and I am FREAKING out. We've always had a difficult relationship as it is, and I feel like all the defenses that I'd developed over time so they wouldn't get under my skin are out of practice because we haven't been together in so long.

Everyone I talk to here is all "your parents are finally coming! That's great! Stop freaking out...it'll be great!!!" But I'm really really scared....I so want this visit to be awesome, but time spent with my parents...has just never really been that. :(

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 06, 2016 1:23 pm 
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I hope your visit with your parents goes well, good luck.

Not to vaguebook this too much, but I'm really freaking out: I just took steps one and two for going on a trip that is basically a life-long dream. I am so excited, but also a little nervous and scared. Fortunately, I have almost three months to get my shiitake together... so.


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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 06, 2016 7:17 pm 
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jerusalemboheme6 wrote:
Everyone I talk to here is all "your parents are finally coming! That's great! Stop freaking out...it'll be great!!!" But I'm really really scared....I so want this visit to be awesome, but time spent with my parents...has just never really been that. :(


Ugh, I hear you! I have that kind of relationship with my Dad and stepmother. And if it helps you at all, it's so much better when they're on my turf - they come to my space, they see my life, they are part of my world. When I am in their turf, then the old dynamics come back more strongly.

I hope their visit is a good one, and that you build in lots of opportunities for self-care, support and alone time if needed. <3

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 12:46 am 
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UUUuuuGGGggggHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

AMIRIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 1:02 am 
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Yes, Mars! Come baaacck , PPK! And, the hammer dropped on us on Canadian Thanksgiving, yet! p.s. oh hai I really hope this is what you were feeling about, too, or um, ignore this all

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 2:09 am 
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god i wish i had a moustache so i could express how much i feel right now

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 7:57 am 
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1strangegirlbygolly! wrote:
Come baaacck , PPK!


I'm still in denial. I keep checking the date to confirm yesterday was not the 1st of April. Or daydreaming Isa was only plotting to get to learn everyone's identity on Facebook.

(And I hope nobody tells me to get over it or stop overreacting anytime soon. It wouldn't help any.)

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 8:01 am 
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My feelings are being stupid because I'm super sad that the PPK is going because it means so much to me! But now I'm seeing all these people who have been on the PPK for twice as long or more than me and I feel like I shouldn't be sad because I'm only a noob ppker comparatively and I still kinda feel like nobody here would even know who I am and argh, feelings!

Also I'm feeling sad because I've been using this blackadder avatar for pretty much forever and this forum is the last place standing that its used on. I'll miss it!

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 8:57 am 
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Noobs have feelings too! There are so many folks I remember from back in LJ and still so many folks I feel like joined just last year, but everyone has still been a big part of our lives. Even if they were inactive for a while (I know I've been spotty since the new board!).

I really hope I get to keep in touch with everyone. Even for silly things like Lush stuff or TV shows, or where to eat when you travel.

Please come couch surf in NS!

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 1:13 pm 
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The reddit is now live https://www.reddit.com/r/theppk/

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2017 4:36 pm 
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FootFace wrote:
FootFace wrote:
My feelings, you guys. I'm still having them. I have rediscovered this neighborhood near mine, and there's something about it that transports me to my childhood on the other side of the country. The houses look different. The streets are different. But there's something in the atmosphere there, a kind of prosperous orderliness. I can't stay away. I keep going on walks there and just... soaking up the mood. I'm reminded so strongly of my youth when I'm there. It doesn't make any sense to me, and I'm not sure why I want these feelings and seek them out. Tonight I went there after dark and felt this sense and muscle memory of walking at night in the summer as a teenager. Sliding uphill through the greasy, muggy Maryland nights. Composing poems about my unimportant, ordinary life. And now, 30 years later, looking back is really painful. I'm not happy about how I've constructed (or failed to construct) my life. Do I want to be that eighteen-year-old again? No. And thinking of him now—carrying decades of squandered opportunities and the accumulated failures of everyday living—makes me really sad. But I'll probably go back to that neighborhood. One other thing: before the kid was born, maybe fifteen years ago, Mrs. Face and I used to go walking, and there was this one cat who lived by this beautiful community garden. We used to walk up there a few times a week and see him. He was a fixture of the neighborhood. As I was out walking tonight, I remembered him, and I thought how sad it was that he was surely dead. It just more fuel for my self-indulgent little pity party. Well, I saw him. Same house. Same name tag. He's still around and I had a nice little visit with him.


Spring is here, so the Wallow has begun. I just got back from my first nighttime walk of the year in this neighborhood. It still makes me feel full and sad.


Another year's Wallow is upon us. But now I listen to 70s music on Pandora as I do it, for extra nostalgia and sadness.

Why do I do this?

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2017 12:19 am 
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Today, I ran across a video of my best friend from college performing. He's an extremely talented and accomplished musician and singer, well known in certain circles. He and I haven't been close for 25 years, but I think of him from time to time. He was a strange guy, a funny guy, very much... himself. And after college, when it was clear that he was just as driven as he'd always appeared and I... wasn't, I think things got difficult. For me, I mean. His was always the example I couldn't emulate, the path I couldn't follow. I didn't want to be a performer like him, but I never really found my own way to excel. His talents seemed so natural (let's forget his endless practicing and studying!), and mine were mostly latent. (If I only had the spine or the guts to throw myself into something the way he threw himself into music.) In spite of his sometimes careless way, his premature absentminded professor personality, he had a fiery ambition that I have always lacked. (And that I have always felt guilty for lacking.) When he would come to Seattle on one tour or another, I would never go see him play. I didn't want to be a fan. I wanted to still be the friend of his youth. And I wasn't strong enough to go hear him play, to support him, to enjoy seeing him without feeling bad about myself. Seeing that video online today brought all that back.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2017 8:03 am 
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FootFace wrote:
Today, I ran across a video of my best friend from college performing. He's an extremely talented and accomplished musician and singer, well known in certain circles. He and I haven't been close for 25 years, but I think of him from time to time. He was a strange guy, a funny guy, very much... himself. And after college, when it was clear that he was just as driven as he'd always appeared and I... wasn't, I think things got difficult. For me, I mean. His was always the example I couldn't emulate, the path I couldn't follow. I didn't want to be a performer like him, but I never really found my own way to excel. His talents seemed so natural (let's forget his endless practicing and studying!), and mine were mostly latent. (If I only had the spine or the guts to throw myself into something the way he threw himself into music.) In spite of his sometimes careless way, his premature absentminded professor personality, he had a fiery ambition that I have always lacked. (And that I have always felt guilty for lacking.) When he would come to Seattle on one tour or another, I would never go see him play. I didn't want to be a fan. I wanted to still be the friend of his youth. And I wasn't strong enough to go hear him play, to support him, to enjoy seeing him without feeling bad about myself. Seeing that video online today brought all that back.

That does sound as though it would bring up a lot of feelings.

For what it is worth, you do seem like a great person in your own way. You are memorable and stand out even within the PPK community.
But it is tough seeing others with traits we wish we had, but don't.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2017 10:32 pm 
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Thanks, Duck.

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