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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 4:14 pm 
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Should Write a Goddam Book Already
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Ah, Sz, that sounds really rough. *hugs*

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 4:16 pm 
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xoxo, jean. Thank you.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:02 pm 
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I always thought I'd have "Spirit in the Sky" playing at my funeral and maybe a parade and people with tambourines. I'm going to have to get on doing something with my life to merit all of that!

All of those choices are lovely, Pi.! It definitely made me tear up, so I can't even imagine if it were my own father suggesting it. Not sure what my dad would suggest if I were to have a wedding, but now I'm kind of curious. "Walk the Line" maybe?

ETA: Big hugs and healing/healthy vibes to you, ~Sz!!

So I think I experienced almost every emotion today. Wilson and I had our court appearance, and it was just incredibly exhausting. Well, not the part where Wilson and I got divorced, but everything leading up to that. When we filed the paperwork, the person working at the courthouse asked if we needed an interpreter, and Wilson said yes, Portuguese. I didn't think to look at what she wrote down, but it was basically P and a couple of illegible squiggles. So we kept waiting for an interpreter, but after four or so hours it looked like we wouldn't be able to have one. (ETA: The clerk scolded me a bit and said that it should have been requested, and I said we had requested it, then she showed me the form. I think she thought I wrote it?) Of course I just start crying. I hadn't slept the night before, couldn't really stomach my breakfast, and I feel like my life has been on hold for 2+ years. I couldn't help it. The clerk who gave off a very stern appearance must have taken pity on me, because she eventually arranged for an interpreter to call in and for the thing to take place via speakerphone. The actually getting divorced part wasn't bad at all, but waiting, listening to everyone else, being hungry and frustrated really took a toll. But then, everything worked out, and I feel so happy and grateful. Wilson was a complete champ through the whole thing, too. He really needed to leave to go to work, but I told him that I really, really needed something to work out the way it's supposed to. We had a wonderful talk, laughed and made fun of each other like old times, and he bought me a soy latte which was like sweet nectar of the gods at that point (about 8 hours since I'd last eaten). It was the most random Australian themed place with all of these meat pies, but they had Iggy's bagels (local bakery that I know their bagels are vegan), and they had peanut butter. I was absolutely giddy and kept chatting with one of the ladies who worked there.

Sorry for the text wall. What a day. I guess you could call it a real trial. <rimshot>

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Last edited by ndpittman on Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:06 pm 
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I am so sorry npittman! I am glad Wilson was so kind, but of course going through a divorce and all the attendant court stuff is so hard! Sending you lots of good thoughts that you get some rest and can relax and find peace <3

~Sz wrote:
My feelings are about officially going of Tamoxifen. I was on it for nearly 4 years, but was supposed to be on it for 5, and then, on year 3 the protocol changed to 10 years. The side effects became unmanageable.

Anyway, I met with my oncologist's nurse practitioner (I see her every year and I see my onc every year, so I see either of them every 6 months) and told her I was done with Tx. She emphasized that the choice was mine but I could tell she was disappointed, which makes me second guess my decision.

I have to live with it. If I get a recurrance, will I blame myself? I just feel so shitty about it right now.


I am so sorry Sz! Can you get a "second opinion" from your oncologist, just to feel more comfortable with your decision, if you are second guessing and to feel a bit less shitty?

My mother was on Tamoxifen for years and I know the side effects were really terrible for her.

Sending you lots of good thoughts <3

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:30 pm 
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Sending you all the hugs, Nicole. One of these times you have to let me take you to Veggie Galaxy, where we will eat all the onion rings, followed by all the desserts.

Image

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:33 pm 
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Thanks, tofulish and desdemona. And I mean, if you insist, I guess I have to go along. I'll make sure to wear elastic-waisted pants!

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:40 pm 
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I hope life brings you many good things ndpitman. Gosh, what a long day you've had. Hopefully you'll have a good snuggle with Boo, and some flannel pj time this evening.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:53 pm 
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whoops

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Last edited by ~Sz on Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:54 pm 
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All the hugs to you, ND!

Tofulish, thank you. The protocol is as stated, another oncologist, or another talk with my onc, likely won't change that. As to some of the other drugs, if I am in menopause, a big if, that opens up other possibilities with other horrific side effects. I did the bargaining thing: But I'm veeeeegan....but I exercise....but I've really limited my drinking... I meditate!!!...

She congratulated me on all of it but emphasized that there is no data there. And, as we all know, plenty of healthy people get cancer.

I happened to see the social worker at the office and mentioned the situation to her and she said to come in if I needed to talk, and well, I may.

I'm just so thrilled at all the grueling stuff I was able to do this summer (backpack 150 miles) (not all at once) and if I were on Tx, I may not have been able to do it.

I'm mostly good with where I am. I have lived, I am happy to be living each day. We are all only promised right now. May as well make the most of it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 7:04 pm 
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Hugs, ndp! It's been a long road for you. I'm glad you and Wilson were able to do this amicably, and I hope you can bust out of your holding pattern now that it's done. My divorce was mostly amicable, but that sure doesn't mean easy or devoid of all those mixed emotions!

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 7:15 pm 
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~Sz wrote:
I happened to see the social worker at the office and mentioned the situation to her and she said to come in if I needed to talk, and well, I may.

I'm just so thrilled at all the grueling stuff I was able to do this summer (backpack 150 miles) (not all at once) and if I were on Tx, I may not have been able to do it.

I'm mostly good with where I am. I have lived, I am happy to be living each day. We are all only promised right now. May as well make the most of it.


That sounds like a great idea - its really hard to feel to blame for a health condition, so if anything can give you more peace around your decision, it sounds worth exploring.

And WOW, you did some amazing stuff there! I am happy you're enjoying your life, and wish you lots of peace with your decision.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 7:55 pm 
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Desdemona wrote:
Sending you all the hugs, Nicole. One of these times you have to let me take you to Veggie Galaxy, where we will eat all the onion rings, followed by all the desserts.

Image


STARTING WITH THE LEMON MERINGUE PIE

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 7:58 pm 
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I have a big audition coming up and I'm scared! And excited. And scared! I don't know exactly when it is yet, but...it'll be soon. EEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeek.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 8:09 pm 
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ndpittman wrote:
Thanks, tofulish and desdemona. And I mean, if you insist, I guess I have to go along. I'll make sure to wear elastic-waisted pants!


I will personally drag you there.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 8:11 pm 
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xoxo, Tlish *hearts*

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 9:00 pm 
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choirqueer wrote:
I have a big audition coming up and I'm scared! And excited. And scared! I don't know exactly when it is yet, but...it'll be soon. EEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeek.


EXCITING! You will be amazing.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 9:04 pm 
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ndpittman wrote:
I mean, if you insist, I guess I have to go along. I'll make sure to wear elastic-waisted pants!
Pants? Why would ypu wear pants?
choirqueer wrote:
Desdemona wrote:
Sending you all the hugs, Nicole. One of these times you have to let me take you to Veggie Galaxy, where we will eat all the onion rings, followed by [i]all the desserts.


STARTING WITH THE LEMON MERINGUE PIE
Oh, hell yes!

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 10:16 pm 
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Hugs ndp! That sounds like a crazy range of feels. All the desserts at Veg Galaxy sound like a good solution to life's woes.


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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2014 10:33 pm 
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~Sz wrote:
xoxo, jean. Thank you.

That's a rough decision, sz. My mom just finished year 5 of tomoxifen, but they didnt mention to her about staying on it for 10 years. Her side effects weren't bad, but she's a singer and it affected her voice, so she couldn't really sing for 5 years. You'll make the right decision for yourself. Hugs.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2014 6:03 am 
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hang in there NDP. We used to have to do court stuff with my other daughter (we had court appointed services) and we used to say that court, no matter how well things turn out, always drains your soul and you need to carefully recover afterwards. I am sure that it's one of those places where all the suffering of the world is concentrated. go recover and enjoy your new status!

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2014 7:03 am 
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I'm no good with words. So I hope ya'll can feeeeeelz my hugggggzzzzzzz!

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2014 11:46 am 
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ijustdiedinside wrote:
My mom just finished year 5 of tomoxifen, but they didnt mention to her about staying on it for 10 years.


Congrats to your mom, IDJI! That is awesome.

The survival difference between 5 and 10 years is only apparently 3%, and so there is some controversy about that.

I'm feeling tons better today.

There's always a slight sense of PTSD going to the cancer center, the place where this journey began. Like others I'm sure, I can remember the exact moment of knowing, and then the surgeon's confirmation of diagnosis.

But, I am a survivor, I've participated in some awesome studies, and I am grateful for all the women who went before me that helped established the protocols that made my surgery and treatment successful.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2014 2:13 pm 
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I am a wreck. The anxiety of waiting is making me a mess.

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2014 8:14 pm 
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Thanks Pi. and Torque. Torque, you are absolutely right. I was very fortunate that the appearance was scheduled on a Wednesday because I see my therapist on Thursday mornings. We hcertainly filled the hour today.

Hugs, kfad! I hope you are left waiting long. I wish so much for you to be out of your current employment situation.

Hugs to everyone else, too!

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 Post subject: Re: The Feeeeeeelings Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2014 5:10 am 
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So many bummer feels at work yesterday. I won't go into the details (I knew what I was getting into when I took the job), but I almost threw up twice and spent my lunch break/time after work fighting back tears. Womp womp.

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