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 Post subject: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:40 pm 
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What's it like?

Are you happy most of the time? Do you not worry all the time that your relationship will fail? Do you feel like your mind is at ease, like your life might be good? I had a shitty night, and these are things I do not feel and I would love to hear all about your situations.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:49 pm 
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I have to say long distance relationships suck. My husband and I were long distance for a few months at the beginning of our relationship. I was a bit of a nervous wreck.

Now that we are together, I don't worry. I say we have our moments where we might get slightly on each other's nerves but we are generally happy. I also check in with my husband every so often to see if there is anything he needs from me or in his life to make it more fulfilling. I also share with him my crazy ideas/thoughts for the future.

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Last edited by linanil on Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:54 pm 
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When Nate and I were first together it was very rocky and we definitely had our ups and downs. We were long distance at first and that wasn't so bad, but once I moved close to him it became much harder because I didn't know a lot of people but I didn't want to be too dependent on him. We have been together for 4 years and this last year has been the best and recently things have been completely amazing, in fact I would say that in the last 6 months I have been happy with my relationship 100% of the time (I never would have thought I would say that). I know we will have trouble again at some point, but I am enjoying this time now where things are really good.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:55 pm 
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I'm sorry you're having a rough night, RandiJM.

I am married and I am very happy with our relationship. It rarely crosses my mind that we might ever not be together - we mesh so well, it's very easy to imagine spending the rest of my life with him. I know that we are strong and can get through the thickest shiitake - we've done it before. I think the key is we are goofs and have a lot of fun together, and we still make it a point to do romantic things even after all these years.

I hope everything is okay with you.

eta: It hasn't always been this way, though, we have definitely had our ups and downs in the last 9 years. About 4 years ago we were very close to breaking up, but we got through it.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 10:02 pm 
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Hell no! Who is happy all the time with anything? Oh, those creepy happy people... they are inhuman.
I'm engaged and have been with this fella for 6 and a half long years, I met him at age 16!! I'm still in the oogly lovey stage right now since I'm newly engaged, but before my engagement there was never a week where I didnt worry myself a little about whether it's going to work, whether he's the best choice, etc. I'm a natural worrier, thinking things aren't going well or I could do better is always on my mind. He does things I hate, and often I feel like I'm the only one in our relationship lodging complaints against the other. Do I even do anything wrong?! It feels like I don't, but then I have to realize that it's because I'm the one who will come out and say straight up "this bothers me", and he wont because he is able to deal with small, insignificant things much easier than I am. I'm not perfect, he's not, sometimes we friggen hate each other so hard and need space and lots of it. That's a relationship.

We're lucky, we communicate really well for two young, bull-headed people. We each have learned to make it a NECESSITY to talk nicely and apologize after an argument, after we've cooled down. It makes our lives so much nicer.

I hope everything works out for you, and I hope what I said helped.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 10:13 pm 
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I guess you are in an LD relationship from the other comments?

My husband and I met cross-country and were apart for the first 6 months of our relationship. Then he moved in with me, and 6 months later we got married.

We're still married 10 years later!

I don't ever worry that it will fail but I did worry the first few years when I still have a lot of emotional problems. But it was always meant to succeed and I'm so happy.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 10:13 pm 
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I love hearing all your stories! I don't really have anyone to talk to now that everyone in my world has graduated and moved away. Today is my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend, who was my friend first, and it's just hard. He moved to London in October. Yeahh... but aside from the long distance shiitake, he sometimes just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even when I know I'm not. I don't know. I was raised on Hollywood movies and it's hard for me when things don't work out like I assume they will...

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 10:16 pm 
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((((Hugs)))) RandiJM, it sounds like a very hard night. When do you go visit in England? It seems to me that you'll have a better sense about what is going to happen here once you are over there.

I love my partner, even when he annoys me. I'm definitely not happy all the time, but when I take the time to think about what I have, I am very grateful and glad for the relationship we have and for all the work we have done to get here.

I can't see us ever breaking up, but I've heard that too often from people who are no longer together to believe that that means anything.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 10:32 pm 
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I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. I know relationship bumps really mess me up.

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. We met normally, at a BBQ, and things progressed at a normal pace. However, we've had some serious challenges. His father died 6 months into our relationship, which changed him quite a bit. Then, something happened that compelled us to start therapy. We've been in therapy for the past 1 1/2 years because we find it helpful. But the most helpful thing has been time. As time passes, I know him better, and I'm less scared about the future. In therapy we learned that it doesn't matter who is right or wrong, just how that other person feels at that moment and why. We learned to walk away if we are too wound up. We learned what the other persons greatest fears were and try to empathize with those fears. Even knowing all that, we don't always do or say the right things to eachother. We still clash. And sometimes I don't always know if we are "perfect" for eachother.

So to answer your questions:

Yes, I fell happy about 90% of the time with him
No, I don't worry ALL the time it will fail, but sometimes I do..usually when we fight.
And I don't feel that my mind is ever at ease, but that has nothing to do with the relationship

Sending you lots of love...


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 10:41 pm 
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RandiJM wrote:
I love hearing all your stories! I don't really have anyone to talk to now that everyone in my world has graduated and moved away. Today is my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend, who was my friend first, and it's just hard. He moved to London in October. Yeahh... but aside from the long distance shiitake, he sometimes just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even when I know I'm not. I don't know. I was raised on Hollywood movies and it's hard for me when things don't work out like I assume they will...


Long distance sucks. I lived away at college for two years, luckily I was only 3 hours away and could drive home for a weekend if I really needed it. We were happy to have the time apart because we had been dating for 3 or more years before that. It was really hard though, arguments were difficult because we couldn't have physical contact after a fight (and I don't mean make-up sex, sometimes we just have to hug it out!)

I cringed when you said he makes you feel like you're doing something wrong. That's exactly how I am with my fiance... I'm the one always having a problem with him, making him feel like he can't do anything right. Like I said, I worry and fret and am a control-freak... we talk through it a lot, mostly he has to tell me to lay off, that I'm being anal and controlling. He helps me stop, think, and realize he's doing so many things right. Your boyfriend may be the same way, if you truly believe you're not doing anything wrong. Talk talk talk! Tell him how you feel about it, and I hope he is able to reciprocate.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 10:49 pm 
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I don't really worry that Mike is going to leave me or the relationship is going to end. My mind is at ease. We fight sometimes, and I hate fighting with him because he sucks at fighting, but for the most part, even when we're mad at each other, I feel like we're pretty solid.

For me, when I get that uneasy feeling in my stomach, and when I get to obsessing about the relationship in my mind, it has always meant something is up. In my experience, your gut knows when something is up. If your gut is unhappy, it is a good idea to listen.

<3

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 11:41 pm 
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RandiJM wrote:
I love hearing all your stories! I don't really have anyone to talk to now that everyone in my world has graduated and moved away. Today is my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend, who was my friend first, and it's just hard. He moved to London in October. Yeahh... but aside from the long distance shiitake, he sometimes just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even when I know I'm not. I don't know. I was raised on Hollywood movies and it's hard for me when things don't work out like I assume they will...


"he sometimes just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even when I know I'm not"
That is not a healthy thing... if you can see that there is a discrepancy between your actions and his judgment of them, then something ain't right...


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:01 am 
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Vyapti and I have been together going on 20 years. It is not always easy. But the bottom line is always communication. Honestly.
There have been times when I though we would not make it. However we are now at places where not only do we really know ourselves, we know what we want of the future.

It helps that it is a partnership, as much as anything else.

I am so sorry you are having a tough time.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:07 am 
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Relationships are like health, sometimes you're gonna be well and sometimes you're gonna be sick. Hopefully you'll be well more often than not. If it seems like you're sick all the damn time, something probably needs to change.

Solipsistnation and I have been together for about 7 years now. It took us 2 or 3 to hit our stride... there were some pretty rocky patches in there. But I think things have been pretty stable since then. I came into the relationship with ALL sorts of my own baggage and commitment issues, so it's kind of amazing when I step back now and realize oh shiitake, I'm NOT constantly scared this is going to fail or looking for a way out or making backup plans.

Sorry to hear things are going rough for you... I hope you'll get some sort of resolution soon!

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:14 am 
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eater of souls wrote:
"he sometimes just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even when I know I'm not"
That is not a healthy thing... if you can see that there is a discrepancy between your actions and his judgment of them, then something ain't right...


This can also be seen another way...and I know this sounds like a cliche therapy line but no one makes you "feel" anything. Many times people say things that we interpret as judgement or criticism when it's actually our own judgement and criticism. Only RandiJM can decide and figure out what is going on here.

I don't think anyone can make assumptions on what is healthy or not based on the little info we know about this particular relationship.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:24 am 
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my husband and i have been together for almost 12 years and married for 11 (yeah, we jumped right into marriage).

i feel happy and secure in our marriage, but we do disagree (i don't call it fighting, bc i grew up with screamers and throwers and drama, but he calls it fighting). When we do, it sucks, but its part of communication and a necessary part of a healthy relationship- we both need to be heard and find out who we can agree on stuff that will at least make us both less unhappy.

i don't really know much about being in a long distance relationship- i was in one for a few months, but the first visit, it was very clear we were better off friends.

I hope you guys find your stride. it does take time. i feel like our first year of marriage was when i started feeling safe, but at 6 years, we did have a rough spell. i went through some stuff and it effected us. I learned i couldn't not depend completely on him if we were going to be a true partnership. I hope we will be together forever- that's our plan, and i intend to keep working toward that, but i also know- and have seen that both people need to be making that decision. i think that is the hardest thing about a relationship, that you can't singlehandedly make it work, you are in the end trusting that the other person is going to put equal effort into it in order for it to work.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:25 am 
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graffitipassion wrote:
eater of souls wrote:
"he sometimes just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even when I know I'm not"
That is not a healthy thing... if you can see that there is a discrepancy between your actions and his judgment of them, then something ain't right...


This can also be seen another way...and I know this sounds like a cliche therapy line but no one makes you "feel" anything. Many times people say things that we interpret as judgement or criticism when it's actually our own judgement and criticism. Only RandiJM can decide and figure out what is going on here.

I don't think anyone can make assumptions on what is healthy or not based on the little info we know about this particular relationship.


All I know is that RandiJM is asking people other than her partner if things are OK. If you can't get the answer from your partner when you feel confused about the relationship, something ain't right.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:31 am 
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My now-husband went into the navy 5ish months after we started dating. We wrote letters back and forth, it was very romantic and it's easy to put thoughts on pen and paper than on the phone-this was when we were so poor we couldn't afford a computer and many minutes on our cell phones. We have grown up a lot together, we met when we were 21-eek a decade ago. We're not always deeply in love, it's like it goes in cycles. I think we have a great relationship because he is only at home 50% of the time, he works offshore. So when he starts to peas me off he leaves and we get a fat paycheck.
We've gone through deployments, deployments with a newborn baby, getting out in the civilian world, having a child almost die and then has a chronic life threatening disease and some undiagnosed issues, a second pregnancy where I puked for 9 months and was on bedrest, went through a phase where we moved to a different state about every year, and we bought a house. God that's a nightmare just typing out.
I really don't worry about it failing, statistically it should have with that paragraph above. It is scary seeing what all my family in my generation and friends have gone through in their marriages-we are the only ones left still married. We are both extremely stubborn so I think we just don't see failure as an option. We were best friends after we got that lust stuff out of the way. I know in previous relationships that sucked we never got to that point.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:40 am 
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Aliks wrote:
We were best friends after we got that lust stuff out of the way. I know in previous relationships that sucked we never got to that point.


This friendship thing is also something interesting that develops over time. I'm just catching glimpses of it here and there when we go to a movie or watch Tosh.0 together and laugh at the same time. I'm not good at spotting it. But sometimes it feels like when everything else is crud, the friendship/team aspect helps hold it together.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 1:24 am 
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My partner and I have been together for five years, engaged for the past two (we're lazy wedding planners.)

We met in Tokyo when we were both foreign exchange students. I had gotten out of a confusing, rough long-term relationship about a year before I left for Japan and he had his own fair share of crazy girlfriends. When we first started dated, we just clicked. Everything went really quickly and we moved in about four months afterwards. Those first couple of months of learning how to live with each other was incredibly trying. There was a lot of fighting, crying, and general unpleasantness. There were a lot of times when I just wanted to give up and move out, but every time I thought about leaving, I couldn't imagine not being together.

That's pretty much how it feels now. I'm definitely not happy 100% of the time. There's still a bunch of things that he does that annoys me to no end, but I know that that's mostly my fault (I, too, am a control-freak) and it's just something I'll have to learn to deal with. But we do talk about growing old together and our hopes/aspirations for the future are the same. We'd love to have kids eventually and I know he'll be an amazing dad.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 1:54 am 
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I've never been in a long distance relationship, unless you count Oakland and San Francisco long distance. Some would, but I don't.

I love my boyfriend very much. We do the text-you-every-two-hours-that-I-love-you when we're not together, we pretend my teddy bear is our daughter (because we don't want real human children... You have to feed those!), we do PDA and cuddle everywhere, we have the best conversations, we're very open about what we need, we both want the same things in the future... And the list goes on.
We definitely go through short bouts of annoying each other, but normally 5 minutes later, we talk and explain, kiss, and get all mushy again... And we've been together for nearly 6 years; lived together for 4 years.
I will say the longest time we've been mad at each other was maybe 2 days. Then we had the best make-up sex ever.


I guess I should call him my partner or something rather than "boyfriend", since neither of us want to get married, but we do call each other our mates. Hm.

I hope you feel better, RandiJM! And I agree that communication is key. The only reason why my boyfriend and I don't fight more/longer is because we tell each other what we need/what's bothering us.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:04 am 
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eater of souls wrote:
graffitipassion wrote:
eater of souls wrote:
"he sometimes just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even when I know I'm not"
That is not a healthy thing... if you can see that there is a discrepancy between your actions and his judgment of them, then something ain't right...


This can also be seen another way...and I know this sounds like a cliche therapy line but no one makes you "feel" anything. Many times people say things that we interpret as judgement or criticism when it's actually our own judgement and criticism. Only RandiJM can decide and figure out what is going on here.

I don't think anyone can make assumptions on what is healthy or not based on the little info we know about this particular relationship.


All I know is that RandiJM is asking people other than her partner if things are OK. If you can't get the answer from your partner when you feel confused about the relationship, something ain't right.


Also, I've asked the PPK about my relationship before. And it says more about me than it does my relationship. It says I'm confused or scared or need support. Additionally, confusion about relationships don't always need to be answered by the partner. Typically it can be answered from within. Sometimes your partner can't answer your every question about the realtionship...and that's okay. It doesn't mean things aren't right.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:19 am 
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I'm sorry you're having relationship troubles, Randi!

We've been together for 8 years and married for two. Most of the time I am blissfully happy and feel pretty lucky. I don't worry about our relationship failing; obviously I can't say what will happen in 20 years but I know that we are solid. We are insanely compatible and in all the time we've been together we've never had an actual fight - disagreements and discussions, sure, but never a knockdown drag out. We understand each other really well, are very considerate of each other's feelings, and always keep the lines of communication open. He is an amazing partner and he's also just a really cool dude. He was my best friend long before he became my boyfriend, and he is still my best friend today.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:06 pm 
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Thanks everyone. It really means a lot to me that you are trying to help :) This is my first real relationship, so I am honestly just looking for information and stories and whatever anythings I can take, since I feel so naive about everything. Since high school, I've dealt with depression, so I went through college &c. without entertaining the idea of romantic relationships. So not only am I new to everything, I'm very insecure (though I'm lightyears ahead of where I was) and so I take everything to heart, I take everything personally and blame myself a lot. And my boyfriend has helped me deal with this really well, but obviously I'm not "cured" or anything close. I don't know. Anyway before I get through more of my life story, I'll just say thanks again. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:20 pm 
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I've been married for a little over a year but we've been together for more than 6.5 years. We've always been really close, from the day we stated dating (we're both really easy going, so we don't fight much). But I will admit, there was about 2 months this past spring where I really questioned whether we had made the right decision in getting married. We were both really stressed with things going on in our lives. Also we are alike in some aspects of our personalities, but there are others where we are very, very different, and those differences seemed more apparent. I think every relationship has rough times. Just keep focused on the good times you do have and keep communications open. You'll get through it.


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