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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:26 pm 
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elouise wrote:
He was my best friend long before he became my boyfriend, and he is still my best friend today.


Aw I love this :)
We were friends for the first year of law school too before we started dating. I think what is making this season so hard in particular is that in addition to starting long-distance we are both new lawyers, starting insane jobs, so it's like a whole mess of shiitake to handle all at once. I mean even if I wasn't in a relationship it's a whole mess of shiitake to deal with! And it's hard to have a bad or extra-long work day and not have anyone to talk to (in person).

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:34 pm 
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We've been together for almost two years and we're happy 90% of the time. The unhappy 10% of the time comes from other factors rather than us being difficult or mean to each other. We both suffer with depression and there's a chance Pete may be on the autistic spectrum, so sometimes communication and expression can be hard but we muddle through. Money is always a concern and we're also in a bit of a slump with intimacy but I know it'll get better.
We work together musically, we support each others individual activities and goals, we make each other laugh and we're the best of friends. He's my family.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:35 pm 
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Dane wrote:
Just keep focused on the good times you do have and keep communications open. You'll get through it.


Exactly. Communication is the key. I hate to talk about emotions and feelings and all that jazz but it is necessary in order to keep the relationship moving forward. My DW thought that fighting was disastrous for our relationship until I figured out it was because her parents did it all the time before they divorced. When she learned that getting things off your chest was healthy we started having productive arguments. 90% of the time everything is hunky dory and the other 10% gets forgotten so quickly so long as you don't bring it up during the next argument.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:38 pm 
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RandiJM wrote:
elouise wrote:
He was my best friend long before he became my boyfriend, and he is still my best friend today.


Aw I love this :)
We were friends for the first year of law school too before we started dating. I think what is making this season so hard in particular is that in addition to starting long-distance we are both new lawyers, starting insane jobs, so it's like a whole mess of shiitake to handle all at once. I mean even if I wasn't in a relationship it's a whole mess of shiitake to deal with! And it's hard to have a bad or extra-long work day and not have anyone to talk to (in person).

Stress definitely makes things difficult. Like I posted earlier, part of my relationship troubles this past spring was due to stress. I was traveling like crazy for work and worried about getting into grad school, he was in his last few months of medical school. Things will get better.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 3:40 pm 
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We've been together almost 6 years now, we're engaged and we have a pretty solid relationship. Usually when we have fights it's because I have a problem with something not him. He's very laid back and drama free. I on the other had have tendencies to stir up drama, sometimes unnecessarily.
The most reoccurring problem is the chores. We try to keep everything straight down the middle, but that's the only area where it gets unbalanced easily and I end up picking up most of the work load. I'm fine with it sometimes. But when I'm just as busy as he is, not so much. I have to nag him a lot, it bothers me. But we work it out, usually with bickering first, then with normal conversation.
That's the only real complaint, he's a good person, I love him dearly and we can see each other together until we're old and in diapers.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 5:29 pm 
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Started dating 2.5 years ago, moved in together 2 years ago, moved 12 hours away from home together 6 months ago, getting married in May. The relationship isn't so exciting anymore, and he's more like my best friend instead of lovey dovey lusty stuff, which I figure is how it should be if it's going to last forever. We both get on each other's nerves sometimes, but it never really lasts past the instance of annoyance. I think it just comes with the territory.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 7:42 pm 
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I am, and it's not what I expected. It's been almost a year and I'm happy. It's not perfect, and it's not always pretty, but he makes me feel better about myself than anyone ever has. And he's cute and a good kisser (and everything else) and it feels right. I guess there is no formula.

I read a quote recently, something like "love doesn't hurt. It makes you feel really, really good." and I agree. Take a look around at all the people you see in relationships. It's pretty interesting how some stay together, even the unsuccessful ones...


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 8:03 pm 
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We've been together just over two years and they've been the best two years of my life. We're insanely compatible and grateful for each other. We've both very laid back and haven't ever had a major fight. I'm prepared for it to get rocky at some point but for now I'll keep riding this happy wave.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 9:20 pm 
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Long distance relationships are like a flame in the wind. Just as the wind can feed and make a giant flame grow, so can it snuff out a weak and flickering one.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 9:44 pm 
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dsharp88 wrote:
Long distance relationships are like a flame in the wind. Just as the wind can feed and make a giant flame grow, so can it snuff out a weak and flickering one.


I don't think its that simple. I had an almost 7 year long distance relationship, and we loved eachother very much. We just had very different ideas of what we wanted and ultimately it didn't work out, but it doesn't mean it was a less loving and strong relationship.

Yes its great if you end up staying together, but just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it was somehow less of a relationship.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 10:47 pm 
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Long distance relationships+facebook sucks even more, seriously. Any female, aaany female, and I can have a minor flip out...
I feel safe and happy and I love my boything lots and its really cool. People are happy, see =]

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 11:03 pm 
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So I think that with long-term relationships, if you expect to be happy all the time you're deluding yourself. Once you get past that first few months of New Relationship Energy real life will start to intrude. Then you get the actual test of the relationship...

The important thing, I think, is that when you or your person aren't happy for whatever reason (bad day at work; expensive car repair; just woke up pissy; whatever) that you know how to deal with it and can depend on one another for support. You have to be forgiving, especially when you're learning how you work together and somebody might do something wrong or miss a cue or whatever. And it's work, especially if you've had a bad day and your person has had a worse day and you need to figure out how to be helpful when you'd rather be the one helped. It's all learning and everything like that. Heck, you'll probably be annoyed at the other person, and they'll probably be annoyed at you. Doesn't mean it's over, it just means you're annoyed. Relax and forgive and stuff.

It's a LOT harder if it's long-distance, but the same stuff applies. You just don't get hugs as much and communication might be in slow-motion because it takes time to get email or get to a phone or whatever, so you have more time to brood. Communication, understanding, forgiveness.

At this point I've been with Coldandsleepy for, wow. Six years? Seven? Before that I was in a terrible messy marriage where my wife listened to me just enough to figure out how to manipulate me into doing what she wanted. It was awesome. :P The part where she out-and-out told me that she'd stop doing the things that were hard on me, but if she did she'd resent me for some unspecified length of time and would withhold affection as long as she wanted, well. That was great too. I think it set my good-relationship criteria pretty low, but still. Coldandsleepy is awesome and sweet and practices a good combination of being supportive and not-letting-me-get-away-with-too-much-self-pity.

It did take a while to get confident about things, though. I really understand that, considering I've sabotaged relationships by being all freaky about stuff before. Just hang on, breathe, and communicate.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 11:28 pm 
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To add to what I said above:

Before Mike, I was with a guy for 4 years. We had some good things about our relationship, but ultimately, he made me feel inadequate because he had weird commitment issues. It was confusing because in a lot of ways, we were really compatible, and in a lot of ways, he was great, but in the end, his commitment stuff really kind of was in the back of both our minds, I think, the whole time. It made me feel crazy, and then when I'd get upset about things, then he would make it out like I was the problem, not like I was reacting to his stuff. Pretty much every time we would have a fight, I would feel like it was ME that was the problem, and that really felt crappy. I felt like the reason he had commitment issues was because of me, and whatever was wrong with me. In reality, I certainly wasn't perfect, but his commitment issues were his own. He wasn't a horrible person, and he didn't make me feel bad on purpose, but it did really get to me.

Anyway, I don't feel that way with Mike, and it feels really great. Looking back, it's frustrating that I let someone else's issues make me doubt my own self worth so much.

Things with Mike aren't perfect, and we squabble and all that. Some days he super peas me off, and I know I do the same to him, but at the end of the day, I feel like at the very least, we each know where we stand with the other, and I feel good about where we stand.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 1:49 am 
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jordanpattern wrote:
I don't really worry that Mike is going to leave me or the relationship is going to end. My mind is at ease. We fight sometimes, and I hate fighting with him because he sucks at fighting, but for the most part, even when we're mad at each other, I feel like we're pretty solid.

For me, when I get that uneasy feeling in my stomach, and when I get to obsessing about the relationship in my mind, it has always meant something is up. In my experience, your gut knows when something is up. If your gut is unhappy, it is a good idea to listen.

<3


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 9:46 am 
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we've been together for over 8 years and married for about 2 1/2. we did the long distance thing from 6 months after we met til we moved in together 3 years later. that part was ROUGH. like seriously rough. to this day i'm amazed we made it through, and unfortunately a lot of our problems had to do with my immaturity (i was 19 when we met). i knew he was the one for me fairly early on, but i wasn't very good at acting like it, which was confusing for him. i don't really know what we could have done to make it better though... i think we just had to suffer through the early stages until we were ready to move in together. once we had made that one major commitment, everything else fell into place.

now things are pretty awesome. we do fight sometimes, but it hasn't crossed my mind that we would split up (other than in a kind of random, "what would my life be like" kind of way) for a few years now. we are family now, and you don't just walk away from family. but i'm also well aware that we made each other family. there are many times in our relationship that either one of us could have walked away, and i don't think we'd be much worse off for it. i think that there are any number of truly compatible mates out there, and "ending up" with someone is a complex mixture of luck, timing, determination and guts. you can know from the moment you meet that "this is the one" but you can't possibly know that you were right until many years later.

anyway, it's tough... my sympathies are with you! i hope things work out for the best.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 2:58 pm 
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RandiJM wrote:
he sometimes just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even when I know I'm not.


i've been in so many relationships where this happened (like, all the time). i've finally come to the point in my life where i refuse to apologize when i haven't done something wrong, because that's degrading and just empowers the other person, makes them think that they can make you feel like shiitake. i'm not saying this is what your boyfriend is doing all the time, but you shouldn't feel the need to apologize, when you've done nothing. that's his hang-up, not yours.

in fact, partly because of my newly found bravery and non-apologetic way of life (yes, i do apologize when i've forked up, i'm not that stubborn), things with my boyfriend are working out better that any other relationship i've had. he's one who will blow up for no reason at me because of his own issues, and i've told him that i'm not going to apologize when he's projecting his anger onto me. and he respects me for it. and i, in turn, respect myself more.

that being said, i'm not sure any relationship is 100% awesome all the time. i never thought i'd make it to the point i'm at with my boyfriend (mostly because of those anger issues, but they've gotten a lot better). i'm a true believer in letting things go with the flow and not dwelling too much on other people's shiitake. just take care of yourself, be confident, be loving, and eventually all that relationship crepe with work itself out. if it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 3:36 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
i'm not going to apologize when he's projecting his anger onto me. and he respects me for it. and i, in turn, respect myself more.


I like this. I think I'm going to tattoo it on my wrist :) Thanks. And congrats on your empowerment!

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 3:44 pm 
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My current partner and I have been together for a little more than a year. We moved in together after 6 months and it's been very rewarding, comfortable, and happy. I'm lucky that we both have supportive families and steady jobs, so relationship-rocking stress is kept to a minimum. Sometimes I worry I'll feel trapped in the future, because I don't want to choose between staying with him or moving away for school/a job/some fantastic opportunity, or that he'll feel trapped for the same reasons. We're both going into absurdly over-saturated fields (history, museums) and it seems really likely we'll never find two satisfactory jobs in the same area.
I never worry that he's going to leave me or cheat on me. It's definitely the best relationship I've ever been in and I would love to stay with him for as long as possible.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 3:54 pm 
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I was in a ld relationship with a person who basically wanted a 'phone relationship' and not bother seeing me. When he did come down he looked like he wanted to die. This lasted for far to many years. I then met my current boyfriend and we have our problems but at least I can talk to him face to face...

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:02 am 
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I have one of those always happy, never fighting relationships, but I never tend to worry about relationships ending or have trust issues so that's more about me than my particular relationship.

I don't think it's realistic that everyone can have drama-free relationships, but I don't think you should settle either. There are people out there without whatever issues your current other may have. You may have to date for many years until you've both matured enough to have such a relationship, but it's definitely worth it.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:15 am 
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I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 6 of those. We fight of course and have problems, like anyone, but we have a pretty strong relationship overall. I think it gets better over time as we both mature. A portion of our relationship was semi long distance in that I went to college and only saw him on weekends, but we got through it. We have been through so much stuff I don't think about that period a whole lot, to be perfectly honest.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 6:17 pm 
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My partner and I have been together for 5 years and though 95% of the time we are very happy there are of course quarrels and disputes*. I find that to be normal in a relationship with two reasonably intelligent people. Looking toward the future we are pretty certain we will be together for a long time (we both are against marriage because we are heathens).

Of course if we *were* to seek out other relationships, nobody would want us because we are weird, crude and socially awkward.So we really have no choice. ;)




*Just to illustrate the point of the last sentence, my BF recently tried to convince me that Freddy Mercury wrote the title song of Highlander before he announced he had AIDS because he somehow knew and wanted to express his desire for immortality.
/threadjack

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:37 pm 
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haha I love it, my boyfriend loves Highlander. And we quote Talledega Nights all the time - "What is this Highlander?" "It won the Academy Award." "Really, for what?" "For best movie ever made."

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 11:28 pm 
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Wally and I were long distance for 2.5 years, and then moved in together at the other end of the world. That was 7 months ago.
The long distance part mostly sucked. But it sucked less than the alternatives. It became particularly painful when we were both more than ready to move on to the next stage of our relationship - move in together, start planning our long term future - and couldn't because of external circumstances.
But it had good sides. I was young when we met (I think 21 is young) and I'm glad I got to live on my own and grow up for a while. If we had moved in together right away I think I would have relied on him too much instead of fixing my problems myself. Also, it taught me to improve my communication, to bring up what was bothering me, something that was deeply lacking in my previous relationships (not just romantic).

Anyway. Now it's different, and we're solid. We have some unresolved issues (kids or no kids, who's making money and how should we spend it, where will we move next, when the hell is he going to learn to put the peanut butter away) but we're committed to resolve them together, and we are happy. There's some snarkiness every now and then, mostly when I PMS, but he handles it so gracefully it never degenerates into a fight. I think we're also both committed not to hold any nasty stuff against one another, and this makes disagreements so much more pleasant to address.
We went through some big life changes and rough times together (my parents' separation, health issues in our families, discussing childhood traumas, Wally's thesis which was very stressful for him, diet changes, me getting my first job, getting a dog, international relocations...) and every time I see how he handles things, I think "Aw yeah. That's the guy I want by my side for the rest of my life".
And he still manages to amaze me. I didn't know about his carpentry skills until a month ago and I am in awe.

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We fight sometimes, and I hate fighting with him because he sucks at fighting

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 1:31 pm 
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Thanks Aelle. Yours was one of the stories I brought up when we were deciding what to do and discussing how hard it would be to do long-distance - I seriously said to my bf, "I know (of) this one couple where the girl was in France I think and the boy was in Korea I think and THEY MADE IT WORK!" And he laughed and said "Are these your vegan strangers?" (how he refers to everything about the PPK).

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