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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 2:00 pm 
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Semen Strong
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I love Wally and aelle.
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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 6:14 pm 
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Level 7 Vegan
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RandiJM wrote:
Thanks Aelle. Yours was one of the stories I brought up when we were deciding what to do and discussing how hard it would be to do long-distance - I seriously said to my bf, "I know (of) this one couple where the girl was in France I think and the boy was in Korea I think and THEY MADE IT WORK!" And he laughed and said "Are these your vegan strangers?" (how he refers to everything about the PPK).



Haha! Actually it was even more complicated than that! We met in Tokyo, then I moved to the North end of Japan and he moved to the South, then I moved to France and he moved to the Netherlands, then we moved to Korea within 1 month of each other.


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I love Wally and aelle.
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And we <3 you!


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 6:31 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Cutest couple ever <3

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 9:56 pm 
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Huffs Nooch

Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:16 am
Posts: 124
Location: Detroit
I've been married for three years and dating for two before that. I generally view my husband as a roommate who keeps the bed warm. We love each other and say kind things, we rarely fight, and he's super supportive of everything I do, but I haven't been in love since before we got married. I knew I was making a mistake, but everything was in motion and I didn't want to back out. I'm not unhappy; our relationship is about 80% neutral, 10% great, and 10% bad. But that's the way all my relationships have always been, and my life in general, so I don't mind.

I think the long distance thing only works if you're in a relationship with someone who adds to your life. If you have serious doubts, it's probably a mistake.


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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:07 pm 
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Saggy Butt
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Location: Scottsdale, AZ
RandiJM wrote:
What's it like?

Are you happy most of the time? Do you not worry all the time that your relationship will fail? Do you feel like your mind is at ease, like your life might be good? I had a shitty night, and these are things I do not feel and I would love to hear all about your situations.


Well... My boyfriend's name is Michael and we were friends for 6 years before we started dating (we've been officially together almost 2 years). The first 3 months was long distance (him in Arizona, me in Texas) but we knew it was only temporary so we stuck with it. He is an omni, but he's very supportive of my dietary choices. I was in a few very bad relationships and had a string of jerk boyfriends before I got with Michael. I'm very very very happy. This is the longest I've been in a relationship where I am truly happy and I don't secretly want out of. He and I are just perfect for each other, really. The perfect example of opposites that actually work (I'm vegetarian, he's omni; I beleive in God, he doesn't). I went through a lot of Hell in my young life before I found Michael and it all seems worth it now that I have my match... The ONLY thing that bothers me is that I kinda want to have kids some day and he continually goes back and forth. I would never leave him if he decided for sure he never wanted to have kids, but the back and forth is just exhausting sometimes.

I'm very sorry you had a shitty night. :-(

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:40 pm 
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WELFARIST!
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laura8it wrote:
I've been married for three years and dating for two before that. I generally view my husband as a roommate who keeps the bed warm. We love each other and say kind things, we rarely fight, and he's super supportive of everything I do, but I haven't been in love since before we got married. I knew I was making a mistake, but everything was in motion and I didn't want to back out. I'm not unhappy; our relationship is about 80% neutral, 10% great, and 10% bad. But that's the way all my relationships have always been, and my life in general, so I don't mind.


this makes me sad. i feel like this was how my marriage would have been had i married my ex fiance.


and i'm glad i didn't. not to knock your relationship, of course. i just don't feel that that would work for me.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 1:07 am 
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Wears Pleather Undies
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Without getting long and drawn out, the hubby and I were just friends for a few years, jumped from friends to engaged overnight, were engaged for one year, long distance until the week we got married, and have been married for 9 years now. We separated for 3 months this past summer and he's moved back in and things are going pretty well these days.

There are ups and downs, times where I don't feel like it will hold together, times I can't help but worry he's going to lose his shiitake and walk out, times I can't stop kissing him, times I just want him to go away, times I can't fall asleep without him home... We go in cycles, being totally in love, doing everything together, having a great time... just being friends who sleep in the same bed... fighting or being passive aggressive for weeks on end...

The thing to think about is are the good times worth all the bad? For me, for now, yes. With our separation this summer (and both of us seeing other people during that time), I think it's put some perspective in this that was lacking. We are a good match, a much better match than either of us had really realized, are friends above and beyond the rest of it, and I can see us growing old together, seeing the world together, and when we're old and rickety, grumbling on the couch together about what show to watch or what game to play... I cannot imagine those moments without him, if I'm honest with myself, though if things were to fall apart, I can see myself finding someone else to have those moments with... but I know deep down that they just wouldn't be the same. He's written into my future, like he's carved in stone, and there's just no erasing it.

Every thing worth doing is worth doing well, and comes with its challenges. Long distance SUCKS. And I totally know how it goes with the constant worry lingering in the back of your head. Get it out of your head that there is a "perfect", or that things just work. These things take work, on both ends, to keep them going. And you can do it, if that's what you want. And you're allowed to change your mind on that later. ;)

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 6:50 pm 
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Bekajoi I wasn't aware that you had reconciled! I'm so glad things are going well for you! And thanks for your post.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:18 pm 
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Wears Pleather Undies
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Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Yeah, it was all pretty quiet, I wasn't sure how it was going to go. Part of me felt like I was being really really stupid and naive, going with it, but it was my call.

I'd had a dream that he came to me and said he had no right to ask, but could he come home? It forked over my whole week, was all I could think about, and he was coming around more just to hang out during that week, to boot. At the end of the week, I decided that I had to at least TALK to him and see where things stood. If I didn't talk to him, I'd regret it forever, always wonder forever. Not a good place to be in when your'e trying to make something work with another person. So I went and talked to him, and it wasn't all in my head.

He'd been rethinking his reasons for wanting out in the first place, mostly it was that he felt trapped and didn't know how to fix it, and he made giant random leaps in his reasoning that told him he must not really love me. He got it in his head that he wouldn't be jealous if I cheated, and that's where it led to. Turns out, he WAS jealous when I was with someone else (even though we were done), he just didn't view his reaction to that relationship as "jealousy". I reminded him he was asking me who I was texting, before he had moved out, and if he really hadn't cared, he wouldn't have bothered asking. His behaviour screamed jealousy to me, but I guess he thinks jealous = raving mad, wanting to hurt people or break things. So *shrug*, his line of thinking was totally off in the first place, and that's what led to the whole "pushing me away and moving out" bit.

Anyway, so he felt a lot of his pent up frustration was worked out, and I told him things felt really unfinished to me. If he was interested in giving "us" another shot, I was willing to do so as well, but some things had to change for me to be OK with it. I laid out what I needed to be different from him, and he laid out what he needed to be different from me, and we both agreed that the steps needed were worth taking. He came home that night and has slowly moved his things back in since then. He's been home for 2 months now and the changes we both needed are happening, if reminders are needed. The point is that effort is being made on both ends, and it's a place we can move forward from. If he had not been willing to make certain changes (helping me around the house more, appreciating what I do, spending more time with the family/kids/me), I would not have been willing to give this another shot.

But, for now, it is worth it. I don't expect perfection. I don't expect it to be easy or smooth-rolling, but so far so good, and I can see this working for quite a while as long as things don't go right back to where they were a year ago.

/hijack over ~ Just saying that even when there are really really tough times, there is a way to come back from it, as long as both parties are willing to work at it. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:45 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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Bekajoi, I'm glad that things seem to be working out for you and your husband.

bekajoi wrote:
Just saying that even when there are really really tough times, there is a way to come back from it, as long as both parties are willing to work at it.


I think this is a really sound statement and one that's easy to forget when relationships hit rough patches.

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 Post subject: Re: Those of you in committed relationships...
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:28 pm 
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Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan
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laura8it wrote:
I've been married for three years and dating for two before that. I generally view my husband as a roommate who keeps the bed warm. We love each other and say kind things, we rarely fight, and he's super supportive of everything I do, but I haven't been in love since before we got married. I knew I was making a mistake, but everything was in motion and I didn't want to back out. I'm not unhappy; our relationship is about 80% neutral, 10% great, and 10% bad. But that's the way all my relationships have always been, and my life in general, so I don't mind.

I think the long distance thing only works if you're in a relationship with someone who adds to your life. If you have serious doubts, it's probably a mistake.


This makes me sad, I don't think I could live with someone I know I'm not in love with. It seems like it's working okay for you, but I hope you don't feel stuck.


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