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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:57 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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And most omnis have vegan meals without even realizing it. Its not like every single thing they eat is slathered in lard, right?

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:58 pm 
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Shy Mox wrote:
And most omnis have vegan meals without even realizing it. Its not like every single thing they eat is slathered in lard, right?


Agreed! So many people turn up their nose at vegan food, without realizing that many things they eat (peanut butter? toast? rice? Oreos?) are all vegan and they still like them!


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:05 am 
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Shy Mox wrote:
And most omnis have vegan meals without even realizing it. Its not like every single thing they eat is slathered in lard, right?

SPAGHETTI.
I rest my case.


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:06 am 
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AshleyUndone wrote:
Shy Mox wrote:
And most omnis have vegan meals without even realizing it. Its not like every single thing they eat is slathered in lard, right?

SPAGHETTI.
I rest my case.


YES!


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:07 am 
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Right. Most dinners usually include a salad and usually some sort of steamed veggies. If they wanted to put butter on the veggies they could just ask if the attendee could bring some vegan butter. It really isn't like you have to go way out of your way to make vegan food.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:10 am 
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i think we don't have confirmation that the host/hostess actually said there wouldn't be any vegan-safe food (?). i think there were personal politics involved in this conversation outside of what would or wouldn't be served at the meal. i mean, i'm guessing based on the information provided. but it seems unfair to blame the hosts in this particular situation.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:22 am 
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rocklobster wrote:
evolvedtriangle wrote:
I was making excuses as to why I couldn't come, and I added on at the end, "And plus the vegan thing, it's complicated." And he said, "Yeah, you'd basically have to bring your own meal."

I could be taking this wrong, but from my reading of your post I could see myself saying something like your brother did. He probably picked up what you were trying to do and was giving it right back. It doesnt sound like he out of the blue uninvited you and went out of his way to be rude. Find Jews and go eat chinese for Christmas. I promise its fun and easy to eat vegan.



yeah I agree with this. It sounds like you kind of dug your own grave here... I know family dynamics are complicated, and I'm sorry your brother is going to marry someone you're not crazy about, but it sounds like that's the real issue. He did call to invite you, and it sounds more like you uninvited yourself. In fact, he might feel more dissed than you do. Veganism isn't a hassle, and even bringing your own meal isn't either. I think you do veganism a disservice to use it as an excuse, and then complain about not being accommodated. Bringing your own meal (or, better yet, food to share with everyone) would be a great way to show yourself as a friendly and agreeable vegan who prioritizes family connections over dietary restrictions. But, if you really don't like her and don't want to get to know her family (which may be totally 100% valid!), then it's a moot point. But it seems a bit like wanting to have your cake and eat it too.

Sorry you're having a tough time. Hope you find a merry solution, whatever it may be.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:47 am 
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I haven't bothered to read most of the replies, but; I think that if someone extends you an invitation, knowing that you hold certain beliefs that include not consuming any animal products, the least they could do is provide food that you can eat. Why bother to invite them if you're just going to exclude them?
Though it seems as though this was a second hand invitation, as in, not extended directly from the hosts.

If you don't want to go, I think the best thing to do is just be frank about it.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 2:06 am 
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evolvedtriangle wrote:
I think I got an un-vitation today. From my brother. For Christmas dinner. What. The. fork.

My brother and I live in Toronto, our parents do not, but they are coming to Toronto for Christmas this year. My brother recently got engaged and his fiancée's parents invited us all over for Christmas dinner. I called him today to talk about plans, and we were talking about Christmas dinner. For reasons too complicated to explain here but which basically boil down to, "I think I hate your fiancée," I was making excuses as to why I couldn't come, and I added on at the end, "And plus the vegan thing, it's complicated." And he said, "Yeah, you'd basically have to bring your own meal." What? Yeah, because it's IMPOSSIBLE to have mashed potatoes without butter. Even though we all made Christmas dinner together last year and he knows exactly how forking easy it is to leave butter off things. And if the hosts are gracious enough to leave butter off things so I can eat them, I can bring a fabulous vegan entrée that everyone raves about anyway and then fights over the leftovers.

And to make matters worse, I was complaining about the un-vitation to a friend/co-worker today, and she made a face. I was all, "What? Am I being obnoxious?" And she kinda said I was. I said, "What would you do if you have someone with dietary requirements over?" She said, "They can eat whatever I make, or they can not eat, or they can eat their own food." Um, SERIOUSLY? That's the last time I bring you vegan cupcakes that you INHALE.

In short, I am kindof appalled at how inconsiderate some people can be. To my face, even.


Maybe your bro was saying how crappy his soon-to-be inlaws are, and he was letting you know by saying they wouldn't make you vegan stuff? I dunno... I'd be willing to let that one slide, since you didn't talk to your brother's fiancée's parents about your food requirements.

But in the case of your coworker, screw her! Inhospitable bisque.
:)


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 4:42 am 
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I actually don't mind the idea of bringing my own meal -- vegans and vegetarians have this strange and hopefully unfounded reputation of just showing up to meaty dinner parties and then announcing they don't eat meat. Like we have a "whose meaty dinner party can we score an invite to and then spoil?" thread on this forum. (Maybe I should start one.)

If you don't want to go to the shindig, then by all means play hooky, but if you do want to go, consider cheerfully bringing something tasty (I always go for vegan foods without fake meats or fake cheeses because meat-eaters seem to think we HAVE to substitute) -- maybe a gateway food* like hummous or an accidentally vegan food** like pasta.

(I actually don't expect people to cater to me because I'm vegan (I DO expect people to not give me a hard time about it, though), but they usually do.) :D

* I call foods like that gateway foods. Eat my hummous! Dip your bread in my delicious olive oil and nibble on my olives and roasted bell peppers! Come to the dark side!
** Meaning foods that are totally vegan and for some reason, people never realise they are. (Why do people think vegan means pasta primavera and no marinara? You like that rhyme I just threw down there?)

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:05 am 
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AshleyUndone wrote:
VeganMeredith wrote:
Ya that's pretty true, people always point out to me that I CAN eat the food, I just CHOOSE not to. And then it gets into a big debate. Frustrating.

Would this apply to a Kosher guest? I feel like to a certain degree we're in the same boat. Physically, yes, could we eat it, but it's an issue with beliefs.

I think this is at the heart of a lot of arguments with people, perhaps even subconsciously. Maybe even consciously in my family- we have quite a few diabetics, but they don't watch their sugar intake at all, so they probably don't fret much about other dietary concerns, either. Even though I bring my own food to family gatherings to avoid hassle, my family has been receptive to my desserts at least! I would imagine that if I brought a pasta dish of some sort, they would try it. Fake meat or tofu, probably not.

But to the OP: I see the family situation as you wanting an out anyway, and you got it. With the co-worker, that's just annoying.


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:14 am 
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rocklobster wrote:
evolvedtriangle wrote:
I was making excuses as to why I couldn't come, and I added on at the end, "And plus the vegan thing, it's complicated." And he said, "Yeah, you'd basically have to bring your own meal."

I could be taking this wrong, but from my reading of your post I could see myself saying something like your brother did. He probably picked up what you were trying to do and was giving it right back. It doesnt sound like he out of the blue uninvited you and went out of his way to be rude. Find Jews and go eat chinese for Christmas. I promise its fun and easy to eat vegan.


This is how it reads to me, too. If he's been accommodating in the past maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and consider that he was just going with what you had already put out there.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:39 am 
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calcuhater wrote:
i understand why it's a frustrating thing to hear, but you were looking for a way to get out of it, right? so...yay?


that was pretty much my reaction too. if it was just sort of out of the blue, i'd be offended -- but when it's following a list of excuses, which culminates in you suggesting that your veganism is a reason for you not to go . . . well, isn't that basically what you were looking for? when you are making excuses to avoid something, does it still count as uninviting or is it more letting you off the hook?

your coworker is insane, but i wouldn't really hold anything against your brother based on how it's been presented here. i mean, there's always more to the story -- but the bit you've given us here, i don't think what he said was so offensive.


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 8:56 am 
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The fact that you wanted to get uninvited aside, it is on us to make situations good ones for us. So yeah, bring your own food or help cook or whatever. It's fun and a good way to bond and a good way to help them learn how to cook vegan. It sounds like you did that once already and something has gone horribly amiss in your relationship. And it sounds like it doesn't have much to do with veganism.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:24 am 
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Mr. Shankly wrote:
You host a dinner, you provide for all. You invite people, you make sure everyone is included in the festivities. How hard is that to understand?

this

what happened to hosts being responsible for providing for dietary restrictions? it wasn't likely in our little town, but if an orthodox rabbi had crossed my mother's threshold, she would have done her best to find something he could eat in her very non-kosher kitchen.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:59 am 
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TheCrabbyCrafter wrote:
I actually don't mind the idea of bringing my own meal

I actually don't mind at all, either. Well, I always spend the holidays with my sister and nephew, we're all very close there no discomfort around food, no issues. My sister roasts a turkey and I am welcome to all the sides but of course, she knows I want something more special than just some taters and carrots so she always tells me to "bring my own food" which means she doesn't have a clue how to prepare tofu, knows I don't mind doing it myself, in fact, I prefer to prepare my own tofu. This year, I might try and think of something I can share with them but chances are, they won't want anything entreeish I bring, which is cool with me. I get it. I used to be that way, too, with veggie food. She asked me to prepare dessert though as my nephew's girlfriend is joining us and she wants something extra special and of course I'll oblige and I always bring delicious cookies and such along to snack on anyway, which everyone eats. They've been well indoctrinated into the delicoiusness of vegan desserts already by me so there's no balking or hesitation there.

With other friends though, they always insist on preparing something I can eat, which I really appreciate, I think is really considerate and thoughtful of them but honestly, if they wanted me to bring my own food, I really wouldn't mind either. In fact, I always make this offer and they're like "Shut. Up."

This would be more of a sticky issue for me with strangers or people I know less well, methinks. With fam and friends in my life, it seems pretty much sorted.

I hope it works out for you! I'd probably just bring something cassaroley that's a complete meal to contribute and share with everyone, if they want so at least I have something satisfying and special to eat, too. <3

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:07 am 
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When I went vegan I knew that there would be times that there wasn't going to be anything that I would eat and I was prepared to bring my own food wherever I needed it. It sucks, but you can't depend on people and I'd feel much safer eating something I made than someone else.

And I second the "find some Jews and get Chinese" suggestion.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:34 am 
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Lots of good replies here. I just wanted to add that this last year I have stopped bringing my own meal or a yummy baked vegan goodie to share at my boyfriend's family events. I have been with my boyfriend for close to 5 years and they still do not provide anything for me to eat, at this point I would be happy with a bag of chips. People can be so rude about the food they provide, some people get it and some never will...

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 1:55 pm 
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looking at this from an outsider's viewpoint, i can see some legitimate frustration on both sides. you probably really offended your brother by hinting that you don't like his fiance...and it sounds less like an out-of-the-blue un-invitation than the culmination of an edgy exchange.

it's totally frustrating that a host/hostess wouldn't consider the special needs of any guest- kosher, vegan, celiac's...but honestly, no one is entitled. i learned a long time ago to watch out for myself. in party situations, i usually offer to bring a dish anyway, and if the host says 'no thanks,' then i'll just try to advocate for myself by asking that a portion of whatever they're making be set aside from cheese/meaty additions. i try to err on the super-accommodating side, even if i'm the one who's the guest. it's not worth starting a fight.


i'm sorry you're frustrated, though. the holidays are really hard.


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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 4:12 pm 
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From what you describe, it seems like your brother's comment was in response to YOUR saying that you didn't want to go because "veganism is complicated." If you are telling omnis how complicated and difficult it is to be vegan, they are probably going to take you at your word. People forget how easy it is to make side dishes vegan because they don't consider it the way we do; they are more likely to remember the last thing they hear/see/taste about veganism.

Hopefully you can improve your relationship and sort things out.

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 Post subject: Re: "You'd basically have to bring your own meal."
PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 5:08 pm 
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IsaChandra wrote:
. And it sounds like it doesn't have much to do with veganism.


I agree. It sounds to me, although I don't know all of the details of course, that there are some deeper rooted issues besides food choices.


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