| Register  | FAQ  | Search | Login 
It is currently Mon Aug 03, 2015 3:02 pm

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 15 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 2:47 pm 
Offline
Dislikes Rick Santorum
User avatar

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:51 am
Posts: 6564
Location: United States of New England
oh wise ppk i am here looking for your advice and thoughts since you are so wise on so many things.

in September my mom will be retiring and my dad is already retired. my dad will be 68 this year and my mom i think will be 66. they have said within the next 5 years they would like to sell their house, which is the house i grew up in, and understandably downsize. the house is really big for 2 people, they have a few acres of land (2-3?) and New England winters suck and they both said they saw both their parents' houses go into decline after they retired. they are good at planning for the future.

also within the next 5 (probably less) years my husband and i would like to sell our house and move to a different town with a better school system because we have a 2 year old daughter and the school system in our current town is not all that snazzy.

my parents dropped a bit of a bomb on me yesterday when i was visiting them. they have come up with this (not too) wacky idea that if me and my husband are interested they would really love to live in an in law apartment attached to our new future house.

after talking about it with them (they had quite the sales pitch) i think it makes sense on a lot of levels.

1. free child care! my parents want nothing more than to be a big part of their grand daugther's life. my 2 nephews moved to AR for 8 years when they were really little because my brother was in the Air Force and it was REALLY hard on my parents to have their grandkids so far away. now they are both teenagers and they live back in MA again but are in the western part of the state and are busy with their teenage lives (my parents do still see them of course).
right now my dad watches my daughter one morning a week while i go into the office for my very part time job. i asked them if they would watch her 2 mornings a week once my mom retires so i can work more (which is what started this whole conversation). right now they live about 40 minutes away so all child care has to be planned. i am mainly a stay at home mom so everything i do i have to take a 2 year old with me. there is no one to watch her unless i plan it out way in advance and honestly because of the 40 drive each way i feel bad asking my dad to come more than once a week.
also (and this is super secret) lately ive been thinking a lot about whether or not she should have a sibling. right now it's not a possibility due to some health issues we are working through with her but my husband and i decided possibly next summer if we are still thinking of it then maybe add a sibling to the fam. so free child care would be amazing and the help with 2 kids would be awesome. my daughter has been super overly attached to me and it's been really hard for me. having help closer by would be literally a life saver for me. i dont know if i would survive another child like her.

2. help with house and yard upkeep! yes my parents are older but they are both very active and healthy. my mom is borderline vegan and does most of their cooking so my dad still eats meat but has many meatless meals throughout the week. they go biking and kayaking and i think once my mom is retired would like to do a bit of traveling within their budget. right now it's a struggle for us to do stupid shiitake like mow the lawn and keep our flower gardens and veggie garden from not being giant weed gardens (like right now our veggie garden is predominantly grass, though vegs are growing in it. our flower garden is infested with poison ivy, and our lawn is a jungle). if we have a second kid that probably wont change. my mom loves gardening (flower gardening mainly) and my dad is healthy enough for lawn mowing duties and im sure they would both do it at least some of the time. they both seem to enjoy the whole yard upkeep thing which me and my husband just really dont have the time for at this point in our life.

3. help with all our damn animals. my husband and i like to travel and want to travel with at least BabyPunk (having a second kid and a bigger house may make that harder financially) PLUS my inlaws just bought a house in NC so we can no longer drive easily to see them (before they were in upstate NY, a 5 hour drive). the rest of my husband's family also seemed to have migrated south all in NC except one brother who is doing a dental residency in SC. one brother has 2 kids and my husband's sister has a baby on the way so we will obviously be wanting to make every effort to go and see his family whenever we can. right now with 5 animals it's a struggle. we have three guinea pigs so my parents have to drive over to our house every few days when we travel to take care of them. we have two large dogs both have issues. one is crazy dog reactive and a bit of a whack job but good inside the house and is totally fine with people he knows. we can board him at a kennel we found but it's not an ideal situation. it's just a safe place for him to sleep where we know he wont get attacked by another dog but it's a high stress situation for him. our other dog has mild seperation anxiety issues. he gets frantic when you leave but doesnt destroy things. we could never board him anywhere because he would literally lose his shiitake thinking we abandoned him. my parents usually take the dogs to their house when we travel but it's A LOT to ask of them because they have no animals. if they lived in our house (or adjacent) our dogs would be able to stay in their own house. when my parents take them they literally wont leave the house because they think the one who has seperation anxiety is gonna lose it. we've told them he will be fine. the worst he does is jump on the couch and knock pillows off but they dont listen. both dogs are older and i guess that means i dont know how many more years we will have them but i cant envision us ever not having at least one rescue dog.

4. help when my husband travels. occasionally my husband has to travel for work and it sucks because that leaves me with a clingy kid, 2 clingy dogs, and 3 guinea pigs to care for all by myself plus crazy things like everyday tasks such as feeding myself. its hard. if we had a second kid i think i would lose my mind by myself. obviously having my parents basically in my house would be a big help. this past winter was a complete shiitake show when my husband traveled. i literally got snowed into my house. my dad had to drive all the way here with his snow blower and snow blow me out.

5. im going to be responsible for my parents anyways as they age. i do have one older brother but i really think i will be the one taking care of my parents if they have issues in their older age. my brother lives an hour and a half away with his family and i think they would want to do what they could but frankly they often cant get their shiitake together and it would be me doing it. if they were in my house it would be that much easier to care for them when they are older. my 92 year old grandfather lives in an apartment attached to my aunt's house and i think it's been really a great set up. he briefly was in an assisted living facility and hated it.

so those are the biggest positives. my biggest concern was obviously my husband's opinion. both my parents said that if both of us arent on board 100% then to just so no, no big deal. and i told my husband i absolutely wanted him to be 100% on board that i didnt in a million years want to push him into it if he didnt want to do it. he immediately was like "well it's not a bad idea!" he sees the positives and is on board with a few reservations we all need to sit down and talk about.

our biggest concern is obviously financial.
my parents are healthy and active now but if something happened to them then my husband and i would get stuck with a bigger mortgage than we originally planned and possibly not be able to afford it.

the other thing i was concerned about was FINDING a house with an in law apartment in a town we wanted to move to also within our price range but after a bit of research it seems like it's kind of a thing these days. now that the baby boomers are reaching retirement age a lot of them are moving in with their adult kids in in law apartments and nursing home or assisted living facility costs are crazy high so it ends up being better financially i think

so wise ppk does anyone have experience with this set up? did it work out well for you? was it a nightmare? what are some important things to discuss beforehand?

_________________
Unimpressed Baby Blog


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 3:02 pm 
Offline
Semen Strong
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 20493
Location: Cliffbar NJ
Oh man that sounds awesome if you like your parents and horrible if they aren't good at respecting boundaries. So really the success in my view depends on your parents' personalities

I would be asking who is paying for what. You don't mention it, but I assume that they wouldn't be living with you just for babysitting and household help, right? If your parents sell their house are they going to do a down payment for your house and then pay you rent? Will they buy the house with you and you all pay part of the mortgage, and when they die the house goes to you with your siblings getting a share of their assets but not the house? How would their estate be dealt with?

I would want to know that my siblings would be okay with the arrangement as well, people get so upset about things like this (especially inheritances), and I would hate to cause conflict unnecessarily.

And yay for a sibling for BP!

_________________
My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 4:07 pm 
Offline
WRETCHED
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:54 pm
Posts: 9731
Location: Maryland/DC area
I have no personal experience but it is very common in my family (and pretty much assumed). My aunt is currently living with my grandmother, after my grandfather died except my aunt isn't married and has no kids. It is an arrangement that works for them but they do fight quite a bit and there is no separate living/kitchen/dining room area. And I don't think that it is too bad, just sometimes my aunt needs her own space so she will do things in her bedroom when that happens. It is just natural thing of them getting on eachother's nerves sometimes.

Since you live in an area where basements are common, it isn't unreasonable that you could find a place that has a basement where you could set up a second living area and a bedroom/bathroom. Another alternative is living nearby. My great grandmother lived across the street from my great uncle until her death. This makes things a bit more accessible but also not in your face.

I have no idea what my husband and I are going to do with either of our parents, I am an only child but I have younger aunts around my age and my husband is the most responsible of his siblings.

_________________
You are all a disgrace to vegans. Go f*ck yourselves, especially linanil.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 4:13 pm 
Offline
Dead by dawn
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:54 pm
Posts: 8420
Location: Seattle
Not really the same, but I lived in the upstairs of a duplex while my mom lived in the downstairs, for about 5 years. We were both good about boundaries and it was great that we could share the responsibility of the vegetable garden, for example, and I could easily cat-sit for her. I figure we may be back in a similar position someday if she's no longer able to live independently, who knows? At 73 she is healthy and active and still working so it's not anything I anticipate soon.

_________________
facebook
"The PPK: Come for the pie; stay for the croissants." - tinglepants!
"Cockblocked by Richard Branson- again!" - Erika Soyf*cker


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 4:20 pm 
Offline
Moving To Sheepshead Bay
User avatar

Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 2:55 pm
Posts: 5833
Location: The land of maple syrup and beavers.
My best friend's parents and maternal grandparents live together - grandparents have an inlaw suite with private bathroom and sitting/office area, the laundry and kitchen are shared. There hardly ever seems to be relationship stress with them! Grandparents winter in Florida which I'm sure helps, but by and large they seem to spend just the right amount of time together. With the grandmother's failing memory, it's a very good solution for them.

It really depends on your parents, I guess. I would have no problem having that arrangement with my inlaws, but doing the same with my mom would be disastrous.

I would make sure you guys sit down and fully work out the financial plan before making any decisions - gotta make sure you are all on the same page.

_________________
Anyone for some German Shepherd Pie? - daisychain
Well! Fruit is stupid! These onions taste nothing like fruit! - allularpunk
Dwarf-tossing for God: A Story of Hope - Invictus


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 5:56 pm 
Offline
The Real Hamburger Helper
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:09 pm
Posts: 2259
Location: K'JIPUKTUK (Halifax, N.S.)
Tofulish wrote:
Oh man that sounds awesome if you like your parents and horrible if they aren't good at respecting boundaries. So really the success in my view depends on your parents' personalities

I would be asking who is paying for what. You don't mention it, but I assume that they wouldn't be living with you just for babysitting and household help, right? If your parents sell their house are they going to do a down payment for your house and then pay you rent? Will they buy the house with you and you all pay part of the mortgage, and when they die the house goes to you with your siblings getting a share of their assets but not the house? How would their estate be dealt with?


This was my first thought! Do you like your parents? ( I mean really like them, enjoy living with them growing up? Enjoy their company 24/7, because that is something that really changes the tides of the situation).

Discuss money stuff up front, and set clear boundaries perhaps even a lease or document of some kind? It's not the most pleasant of conversations, but any time I've lived with either of my parents without doing these things we were only successful in making each other miserable and having conflicting expectations.

If they are going to babysit etc are they cool with doing that anytime? Or would it be more respectful to have a schedule? or 24 hours notice etc?

_________________
**Kisses, Licks and Bites**
Unfairly biased! -monkeytoes


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 7:19 pm 
Offline
Dislikes Rick Santorum
User avatar

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:51 am
Posts: 6564
Location: United States of New England
thanks everyone.
the financial situation is obviously the biggest thing we need to discuss. im sure theyre not looking for a free ride (ie babysitting in exchange for room and board). we need to discuss what the best situation is for everyone and how any future problems might be impacted.
my husband has already thrown out a few ideas we just have to see what my parents are thinking.
my husband thinks the best idea might be for them to pay a large amount up front on the mortgage instead of a smaller part of the purchase price and monthly rent.
the issue he is worried about there is they are essentially putting a large chunk of money towards the purchase of our house and if something happens say in the next couple years he wonders if that would become a thing with my brother. i dont think it would but one can never predict these situations.

and yes i do like my parents to even consider it! no one can drive me crazy like my mom can but i have a good relationship with both of them and very much want extended fam a part of my kids' lives and it bums me out my husband's family is all so far away.
my parents i think would be very respectful of boundaries and they wouldnt be up in our face all the time. they also want their independence and to come and go as they please.

the only problem with a basement apartment is i worry about stairs as they age. right now stairs arent an issue but i think the idea is this would be the house they live in into their golden years. though my husband says alot of basement apartments have a basement walkout type thing. we all i think would prefer a seperate sort of in law suite attached to the house so they sort of have their own house almost but it all depends on availability and of course finances.

_________________
Unimpressed Baby Blog


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 1:27 pm 
Offline
Nailed to the V
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jan 28, 2012 5:01 pm
Posts: 534
Location: Coeur d' Alene, ID
Maybe a daylight basement would work, if you factored in the price of one of those chair lift things that you can install on the stairs, IF you ever needed one. I'm sure they are not cheap, but my great-grandfather had one that allowed him to stay in his large two story home until he was 99.

I lived with my folks for over a year in their basement as an adult, and it was really, really great as I had not even lived in the same state as them for many years. (Cue the living in your parents basement jokes). But I didn't feel like I was in a basement, either, as I had a patio, sliding glass doors and another, separate door. We shared a kitchen, but I had my own bedroom, bathroom, and large living room. I could retire to my space if I wanted, or hang with them. And I could come and go without bothering anyone, which was important since I worked late. We all liked each other and respected boundaries, so it worked well for us. Just one of many situations that might work for you.

_________________
I once caught the clap from a salty navy bean on shore leave. Damn beans.--Desdemona


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 2:22 pm 
Offline
The Real Hamburger Helper
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:09 pm
Posts: 2259
Location: K'JIPUKTUK (Halifax, N.S.)
Yah stairs and accessibility are a thing. I would also talk with your brother about it now, just to make sure it won't be an issue later on. As long as everyone is cool with it, it seems like them paying more upfront might be easiest since their income will be limited.

_________________
**Kisses, Licks and Bites**
Unfairly biased! -monkeytoes


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 8:55 am 
Offline
Wears Durian Helmet
User avatar

Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:44 pm
Posts: 843
Location: Jungles of America
I would love this situation. My parents live far away and are pretty old. I rarely see them and feel bad about it. I could use the child care help and probably can't even buy a house on my own, but my parents could easily afford even big city home prices.

Hopefully it works out. It's not for all parents (my spouse's mom wants this, but that won't happen) but I think it can be very convenient and a plus for all involved.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 9:33 am 
Offline
Saggy Butt
User avatar

Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:14 pm
Posts: 1183
Location: 'Burbs of California
I would generally like this situation as well. I'm a bit nervous as well about it since I'm not sure if I'm up for caring for three kids plus my parents. My mom came to visit me 2 weeks ago, but she fell and broke her ankle a few days after she arrived. So now in addition to caring for my three young children (4 and under), I am caring for my mother while she recuperates from orthopedic surgery. My mom is upset since she came out for a nice visit to see her kids and grandkids, and hoped to help me and my sister out a bit with childcare, but she has ended up needing so much care herself. I'm a bit stressed out since I have a recuperating mother on my couch in my living room who can't go anywhere for at least another 2 weeks. So, yeah, it's stressful all around.

That said, I assume at some point my sister and I will have to help care for my parents when they get old anyway, so I can see how having my parents in an in-law suite would be more convenient.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 10:12 am 
Offline
Should Write a Goddam Book Already
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:08 pm
Posts: 1024
Location: PDX
With the way you and your parents are approaching this, it seems like a fabulous opportunity. It the finances can't be comfortably worked out to address all future scenarios, if the worst happens you could either sell the house, or if it has a completely separate, legal living unit, it would be possible to rent it out to someone else.

If you find a house/duplex/2 houses next door to each other/etc. in the location you want, but not a perfect set-up, then have some remodeling done, including for aging in place, to make it work.

_________________
Formerly Kaleicious. I still love kale, but no more than lots of other garden greens too! Orach is currently my favorite.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 10:37 am 
Offline
Semen Strong
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 20493
Location: Cliffbar NJ
That's a great reminder! There is a lot of remodeling that can be done down the road as needed.

My mother refused to move in with us and ended up slipping on the toilet floor and being unable to get up for 3 days. By the time they found her she was nearly dead and the resulting kidney damage put her in hospital for a month at which point she died.

I definitely think an elderly parent living with you is the best option for them, as long as it's feasible for everyone concerned. So sorry for your mother and your added work helbury! Three under four and a convalescent mother sounds really tough!

_________________
My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 11:13 am 
Offline
Seagull of the PPK
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:46 pm
Posts: 9623
Location: Bananaland
Having seen this sort of thing happen with my father's generation, I also suggest you talk to your brother and get shiitake written out and maybe witnessed or something just to be do things right.
My grandparents did exactly what your parents are proposing with my aunt and uncle. There were "understandings" about what was supposed to be done but as it turned out none of that stuff was written down, and none of it ever happened (from putting in the stair-lift chair ["just getting around to it" for 20 years] to getting nursing care to respecting burial wishes). The rancor between my uncle's family and my father's family now runs so deep that as far as I am concerned, they can all go to hell and I never plan to talk to any of them again.
Not saying, perish the thought, that you are as much of a dick as my horrible money grubbing aunt who disrespected my grandparents, but if there is one thing that can screw up a family real good, it is money, and just make sure you protect yourself and do things right.

_________________
Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
James Joyce doesn’t give a twopenny damn, but Marie Kondo does. Oh, bother. --J O'Donogue, JT


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: having your parents live with you
PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 6:37 pm 
Offline
Dislikes Rick Santorum
User avatar

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:51 am
Posts: 6564
Location: United States of New England
yeah i think you guys have really made me realize how important it is to really have my brother on board with it rather than just informing him it's going to happen.

i dont think he'll care he is going to be living with us (will probably be glad it's not him) but having all the financial stuff written down and legal and stuff will help with the future.
i dont expect any ugliness with inheritance or anything like that after my parents pass but one never knows.

_________________
Unimpressed Baby Blog


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 15 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: ameyfm, Bing [Bot], Mars, MissGabbster and 8 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Template made by DEVPPL/ThatBigForum and fancied up by What Cheer