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 Post subject: Oh no, I've gotten myself into a pickle! Advice please?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 6:29 am 
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Last year my friend and I were talking about how depressing and awkward it is to spend holidays with our respective families, so I decided to have a "friends" (and vegan!) Thanksgiving the week after, and it was really nice. Friends only, no family, and this was in addition to the regular Thanksgiving family affair, so we weren't just ditching our families. I'm doing the same thing this year, and the number of guests is at about 14, much bigger than last year.

Yesterday my boyfriend, ("A") and his best friend were hanging out with A's sister. The best friend, who's coming, asked A's sister if she's going to my Thanksgiving, which she didn't know anything about. In my "no family" planning, it honestly didn't occur to me that A's family always have a great time at their get-togethers (meaning A would never feel the need to have an event like this) and that A's sister is not MY sister. Also, A didn't ask to invite her. So A told his sister that it's nothing against her, it's just that there are so many people already coming, which, I admit, is a pretty bad excuse.

And I feel bad. And I'm not sure how to handle the situation. I if I invite her now, it's one of those last minute, "Oh, you weren't originally invited, but you found out, so, uh, wanna come?" things, and those are crappy to receive. I also feel like if I call her to explain, I'll just make an asparagus out of myself even more than I feel like I have by not originally inviting her.

Am I an asparagus? Do I invite her? Call to explain? Go with an unknown third option?

Ugh.


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 Post subject: Re: Oh no, I've gotten myself into a pickle! Advice please?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 6:33 am 
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Just tell her you didn't think to invite her because it's for people who can't be with their families and you assumed she would be spending it with hers.


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 Post subject: Re: Oh no, I've gotten myself into a pickle! Advice please?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 6:49 am 
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Its definitely an uncomfortable situation, but you didn't do anything wrong. You can't invite everyone to every party right? If she feels bad, apologize and say you didn't mean to exclude her. I wouldn't call her personally but maybe have your boyfriend feel it out.


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 Post subject: Re: Oh no, I've gotten myself into a pickle! Advice please?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 7:03 am 
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I think you could use the excuse A has already given his sister in your favor here. You can call her up and be like, "Yeah, it's true it's going to be a pretty big party, but we thought about it and decided it just wouldn't be the same without you, so we're happy to make more room if you're still free and want to come!"

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 Post subject: Re: Oh no, I've gotten myself into a pickle! Advice please?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 8:15 am 
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choirqueer wrote:
I think you could use the excuse A has already given his sister in your favor here. You can call her up and be like, "Yeah, it's true it's going to be a pretty big party, but we thought about it and decided it just wouldn't be the same without you, so we're happy to make more room if you're still free and want to come!"



Yeah thats more or less what I would do, .... apologize for not thinking to invite her as it's basically a casual-not so formal gathering and tell her she is more than welcome if she wants to come.

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 Post subject: Re: Oh no, I've gotten myself into a pickle! Advice please?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:01 am 
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choirqueer wrote:
I think you could use the excuse A has already given his sister in your favor here. You can call her up and be like, "Yeah, it's true it's going to be a pretty big party, but we thought about it and decided it just wouldn't be the same without you, so we're happy to make more room if you're still free and want to come!"

I agree with this; in fact, I'd probably just come clean, and tell her what you told us in your post. Be honest, and explain how the whole event came about because a lot of people you know have vexed relationships with their families (especially around the holidays), and that it just didn't occur to you that A's family has a great time together. Then I'd apologize if I'd inadvertently hurt her feelings, and tell her she's welcome. The ball is then in her court; good luck, I hope your party turns out to be great!

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 Post subject: Re: Oh no, I've gotten myself into a pickle! Advice please?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:27 am 
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You can also explain that it didn't even occur to you because you were only thinking of people who have said they don't have a good time at their family party. And yes, explain that it's not formal and anyone who wants to come can come.


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 Post subject: Re: Oh no, I've gotten myself into a pickle! Advice please?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 10:33 am 
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Desdemona wrote:
choirqueer wrote:
I think you could use the excuse A has already given his sister in your favor here. You can call her up and be like, "Yeah, it's true it's going to be a pretty big party, but we thought about it and decided it just wouldn't be the same without you, so we're happy to make more room if you're still free and want to come!"

I agree with this; in fact, I'd probably just come clean, and tell her what you told us in your post. Be honest, and explain how the whole event came about because a lot of people you know have vexed relationships with their families (especially around the holidays), and that it just didn't occur to you that A's family has a great time together. Then I'd apologize if I'd inadvertently hurt her feelings, and tell her she's welcome. The ball is then in her court; good luck, I hope your party turns out to be great!


yeah, this! it's almost always best to just be totally honest. what you told us sounds totally reasonable, so just share that with her.

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 Post subject: Re: Oh no, I've gotten myself into a pickle! Advice please?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 10:39 am 
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joyfulgirl wrote:
You can also explain that it didn't even occur to you because you were only thinking of people who have said they don't have a good time at their family party. And yes, explain that it's not formal and anyone who wants to come can come.


I would go with honesty as well.

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 Post subject: Re: Oh no, I've gotten myself into a pickle! Advice please?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 11:19 am 
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very veggie wrote:
joyfulgirl wrote:
You can also explain that it didn't even occur to you because you were only thinking of people who have said they don't have a good time at their family party. And yes, explain that it's not formal and anyone who wants to come can come.


I would go with honesty as well.


Yep, that. I think you feel worse about the situation than it actually is--it's not that bad and if you are just honest and friendly it will all blow over and I bet you will all have a great time together!


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 Post subject: Re: Oh no, I've gotten myself into a pickle! Advice please?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 11:35 am 
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I think Desdemona's got it. Just tell her what you've told us and let her know you'd love to have her there.

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 Post subject: Re: Oh no, I've gotten myself into a pickle! Advice please?
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 5:57 am 
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Thanks so much guys! I'm just going to go with honesty....it's the best thing!


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