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 Post subject: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 10:46 pm 
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on movies so bad I probably didn't watch the whole thing.

Cannibal! the Musical-with a title like that, how could you go wrong? So very very wrong. It's about the only guy to ever be convicted of cannibalism in the US sometime in ye olden 19th century. If Joss Whedon had written this, it would be epic. But he didn't, so it was just lame. The opening sequence said cannibal chases guys in flannels through the woods and chews off various body parts, with much spurting of blood. I know: it sounds good, but it's really incredibly stupid.

Warlock-I was hoping that this would be like Highlander with more magic. Alas, it was forking ridiculous in a bad way. Apparently, when a 17th century warlock ends up in your living room in the middle of the night, the best explanation is that this is just happens in "the valley." You might think that valley girls and warlocks are good fun, but they're not. I got about 10 minutes in and couldn't take it anymore. Highlander it is not.

Beowulf and Grendel-the boy and I got about 10 minutes into this one when we realized we've seen it before. In this version, Beowulf isn't a monster, he's a misunderstood troll-like humanoid with feelings. There's a scene in which he rapes a witch, she likes it and decides to nostalgically raise his troll-spawn-love-child. This one at least has camp value.

Any suggestions for tomorrow's viewings? Post your own crepe movie reviews here.


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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 10:50 pm 
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Dumpster Baby - The baby was only in the dumpster for like 45 seconds, and then the rest of the movie isn't even bad-good, it's just boring.

Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires - Exactly as described. Take every redneck stereotype there is and put fangs on it. It's absolutely horrible but I couldn't look away.

Die You Zombie mustards! - This one I actually totally recommend. It's super raunchy and over-the-top and awesome.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:03 pm 
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Sands of Oblivion! Evil lurks under Cecil DeMille's The Ten Commandments movie set--and stalks modern day people.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:16 pm 
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Kelvia wrote:
Sands of Oblivion! Evil lurks under Cecil DeMille's The Ten Commandments movie set--and stalks modern day people.

Maybe it's the many years of Catholic school talking, but this sounds promising.


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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:24 pm 
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Adah wrote:
Kelvia wrote:
Sands of Oblivion! Evil lurks under Cecil DeMille's The Ten Commandments movie set--and stalks modern day people.

Maybe it's the many years of Catholic school talking, but this sounds promising.


No no no! It was completely awful!

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:32 am 
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Ha! Warlock scared the shiitake out of me as a kid!

Masters of Horror: Sick Girl-This lesbian who’s really into bugs gets bitten by an unknown species and crazy things begin to happen in her apartment building. The premise seemed sort of cool and really funny. The execution was lame. It turns out her father was trying to impregnate her with his insect seed. I hope I didn’t ruin anything for you.

Masters of Horror: Haeckel's Tale-This is a story about necromancy and necro romance. Yes. It’s seriously disgusting. Eh. This movie was like porn for necrophiliacs…and zombies. Didn’t like it.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:23 am 
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Event 16. An indie new zealand sci-fi film that is just terrible. Really, really terrible. I know he put a lot of hard work into it but the whole thing is just awkward and wooden and has really bizarre dialogue.

I was going to say Alice in Wonderland too (the Tim Burton one) but I guess everybody knows it's terrible by now since it's the 6th highest grossing film of all time or something.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:52 am 
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FearDotCom. I have a high tolerance for terrible horror movies, and sorta delight in them, and I have never wanted to walk out of a movie before.

But then I saw this one.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:37 am 
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mixmaster_mo wrote:
Masters of Horror: Haeckel's Tale-This is a story about necromancy and necro romance. Yes. It’s seriously disgusting. Eh. This movie was like porn for necrophiliacs…and zombies. Didn’t like it.


Okay, I read the description for this on Wikipedia and realized I've seen this before! As I recall, I wasn't bothered.
Now, try watching Braindead (also called Dead Alive). That one is kinda gross.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:49 am 
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teddyplanet wrote:
mixmaster_mo wrote:
Masters of Horror: Haeckel's Tale-This is a story about necromancy and necro romance. Yes. It’s seriously disgusting. Eh. This movie was like porn for necrophiliacs…and zombies. Didn’t like it.


Okay, I read the description for this on Wikipedia and realized I've seen this before! As I recall, I wasn't bothered.
Now, try watching Braindead (also called Dead Alive). That one is kinda gross.

I've seen Dead Alive and thought it was hilarious! I watched the entire Masters of Horror series in a couple of weeks and remember being really annoyed that most of it seemed to be soft porn with horror elements. So around the fifth or sixth time the chick was boning a corpse, I was just done with the entire movie. Haha.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:26 pm 
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I watched most of this movie called "Duck" on netflix instant. It starred the library cop from Seinfeld. It was described as the story of a man who finds companionship with a duck after his wife dies. I thought it would be a laugh riot and have cute duck and old guy montages. It was just awful, heavy handed about the environment and so depressing and absurd in all the wrong ways.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:32 pm 
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I love old teenage movies from the 70's and 80's, the really bad ones like, My Tutor, The Last American Virgin, The Beach Girls


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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 3:46 pm 
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mixmaster_mo wrote:
Ha! Warlock scared the shiitake out of me as a kid!

Masters of Horror: Sick Girl-This lesbian who’s really into bugs gets bitten by an unknown species and crazy things begin to happen in her apartment building. The premise seemed sort of cool and really funny. The execution was lame. It turns out her father was trying to impregnate her with his insect seed. I hope I didn’t ruin anything for you.

Only my appetite. *barf*

I loved Warlock when I was a pre-teen, but I had a huge crush on Richard E. Grant. I think I watched it later in life and thought it was terrible, but I can't remember. Maybe I should watch it again just to confirm.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 10:27 pm 
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I'm lifting this straight from the Movie Log thread, because ohmygod it was so bad:
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-Failure to Launch-Oh. My. God. So incredibly unrealistic. It was the most ridiculous piece of crepe I've seen in a long time. Matthew Mcconaughey's character gets attacked by at least 3 stupid CGI animals. And at every turn, they're off doing some other unrealistic extreme sport: mountain biking, rock climbing, sailing, etc, etc. Zooey Deschanel's character was the only redeeming thing about it.
But to add to that, I hated how SJP and MM met. It was so clearly staged (which I get is kind of the point, since she was paid to meet him). The whole thing was just so unrealistic. Then the night he brings her home for the first time....if you've seen it, you know what I mean. What if she wasn't really falling for him? Then...just...ew. Plus SJP and Zooey are supposed to be friends and roommates? Parker's 15 years her senior. Uh. Weird. And McConaughy's two best friends also just *happen* to live with their parents too? And everyone's paired up with someone at the end? You've GOT to be kidding me.

I hate studio romantic comedies sososo much.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 10:33 pm 
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kara kara wrote:
I hate studio romantic comedies sososo much.

I will never see Failure to Launch because I hate studio rom coms as well! They are so forking bad. Nothing romantic or real about them. I made the mistake of watching My Best Friend's Girl recently and wanted to punch myself in the face. Dane Cook is a crasshole. I've just decided that must be the case for knowing people suffer through his movies...and making them anyway.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:02 pm 
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Warlock is awful camp awesomeness! Then again, I have a very high tolerance for that sort of thing. Plus, Julian Sands is kind of hot (I know he can't act; stop judging me!).

Pretty much all of the Masters Of Horror movies were terrible, and yes, I watched them all. I also watched all of the Fear, Itself movies, which were even worse.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:04 pm 
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I liked Beowulf and Grendel. Whatever!

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:15 am 
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I tried watching Spirit Stallion of the Cimarron. I'm one of those people who loves watching cheesy mushy crepe but even this was too bad for me. I couldn't watch past the first 10 minutes. It was awful and creepy and I shudder just thinking of it.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 2:27 am 
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miss snackura wrote:
I tried watching Spirit Stallion of the Cimarron. I'm one of those people who loves watching cheesy mushy crepe but even this was too bad for me. I couldn't watch past the first 10 minutes. It was awful and creepy and I shudder just thinking of it.


The music is sweet though.


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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:38 am 
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Love Child wrote:
miss snackura wrote:
I tried watching Spirit Stallion of the Cimarron. I'm one of those people who loves watching cheesy mushy crepe but even this was too bad for me. I couldn't watch past the first 10 minutes. It was awful and creepy and I shudder just thinking of it.


The music is sweet though.


The music was the worst thing for me. Every time that Bryan Adams song comes on the radio I cringe. Here I ammmmmmmmm. This is meeeeeeeeeee. There's nowhere else on earthhhh i'd rather beeee. Then again I couldn't muster enough strength to watch the rest of the film so perhaps the music improves later on.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:30 am 
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miss snackura wrote:
Love Child wrote:
miss snackura wrote:
I tried watching Spirit Stallion of the Cimarron. I'm one of those people who loves watching cheesy mushy crepe but even this was too bad for me. I couldn't watch past the first 10 minutes. It was awful and creepy and I shudder just thinking of it.


The music is sweet though.


The music was the worst thing for me. Every time that Bryan Adams song comes on the radio I cringe. Here I ammmmmmmmm. This is meeeeeeeeeee. There's nowhere else on earthhhh i'd rather beeee. Then again I couldn't muster enough strength to watch the rest of the film so perhaps the music improves later on.


Noooooo! It gets better when the Indian comes in! They develop a sweet relationship and it's just sweeeeeeeet!

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:28 am 
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There's a lot of bad movies out there that I've watched, that I still find some redeeming factor in. Case in point: I watched Rumplestiltskin last night.

I can't list any movie I would honestly say "IT'S HORRIBLE" about unless it were a.) a romcom/chick flick b.) really and truly soul-crushing (as in depressing and possibly traumatizing/triggering).

That said, my mom forced me to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants in the theater. In my defense, I'd been living abroad and had never seen trailers for this movie or heard of it before, and there is fork all to do in my hometown. My mom tried to tell me that the 12 year-old dying of cancer in the film had an old soul. I want to rip off my head and barf into my own torso cavity.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:33 am 
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Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
I want to rip off my head and barf into my own torso cavity.

I'm totally sigging this!

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:03 pm 
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mixmaster_mo wrote:
Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
I want to rip off my head and barf into my own torso cavity.

I'm totally sigging this!


First sig of the new boards! I am honored.

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 Post subject: Re: crepe Movie Reviews
PostPosted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:09 pm 
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Two words.

Doom. Generation.

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