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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2014 12:22 pm 
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mittenmacher wrote:
My father-in-law and his girlfriend have a sick preoccupation with her size, and how she eats "just like a little bird." We've been staying with them for several days and it's really starting to bother me. When we go to restaurants she never orders her own meal, she just shares whatever he orders because "she couldn't possibly eat that much." She makes a point of mentioning that she skipped breakfast because she just wasn't hungry after that huge dinner the night before (half a baked potato). Last night we had to hear about how he moved the backrest on his motorcycle back, leaving only a tiny space behind for the passenger, but she still fit, because she's just so skinny! I am really starting to dread meals with them, because I know I'm going to have to hear them both go on and on about her eating habits.

Meanwhile, I'm pregnant and pretty damn hungry. I've gained a bit of fat in my face and everywhere else, because that's what happens to me when I'm pregnant. I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up about the weight gain or call myself fat, but I'm feeling increasingly self conscious about eating around my in laws. Last night I ate a plate of pasta and she was staring daggers at me (because eating a whole serving of pasta is gross? Because she wishes she could eat pasta?). I know they're crazy, but I wish I wasn't letting it get to me.
Ugh, that sounds wretched. You are pregnant, and you need to eat. (Obviously, you need to eat when you aren't pregnant, too, but you take my point!) Is it possible to say something like "You know, I'm pregnant and I'm hungry. It's really important that I get enough to eat, and all this talk about portions and stuff isn't very helpful for me right now"? Otherwise, if I were you I'd try to avoid being around them, especially at mealtimes; you have enough to be dealing with without feeling policed and judged every time you pick up a damn fork.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2014 12:42 pm 
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Mitten, I have no idea what's going on with your in-laws, but I hope you won't feel bad about eating what you need for the baby! Don't let it get to you. If your in-laws are older, I've noticed with our own families that our parents' appetites have just become naturally very low as they've gotten older. Different bodies, different needs, and all that. Sometimes treatment for certain illnesses will kill people's appetites and make food repulsive to them. Sometimes people are just on a tight budget and restaurants are expensive so they order less than they really want.

So anyway, it could be that they have really unfortunate body issues or it could be that there's something else going on that they'd rather not talk about. I'm sorry they're making you feel bad, though, intentionally or not.


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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 1:13 pm 
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I've already seen at least 3 articles in my facebook feed about last night's finale of The Biggest Loser (which I don't watch and kinda loathe). Apparently the girl who won lost 155 lbs in about 6 months, and the internet is exploding in cries of "eating disorder!" I read a couple of the articles, because I was curious, but I don't know what I think about this. Not that it really matter, I guess, but it's on my mind.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 1:39 pm 
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Ugh yeah, that Biggest Loser thing is making me squicked out. Here's this show that glorifies what is, by accounts I've read, a dangerously unhealthy way to lose weight because it's all about How You Look rather than How You Feel. Except if you don't play the game carefully enough and lose too much weight, then your size and body are equally open to judgment and you are just as disgusting and unloveable and in-need-of-fixing as when you were heavier.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 1:40 pm 
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They do that every season. Not that that's like an excuse, but everyone on that show drops a huge amount of weight every week - way way way more than the recommended amounts. I used to watch the show but I had to stop because it bothered me how unhealthy the whole thing was. Not just dropping massive amounts of weight quickly, but they'll film these messages to their "fat selves" where they just berate themselves and talk about how much they hate themselves and it's all just so sad that instead of focusing on maybe being kinder to themselves, the message is just change change change as quickly as possible so you don't have to look at yourself like that any more.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 2:04 pm 
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I watched for a lot of seasons, because I'm weirdly addicted to reality shows and this one actually seemed to be doing some good in peoples' lives. But then I read some articles from former contestants about what actually goes on behind the scenes and how they're really losing the weight, and I couldn't watch any longer. Around the same time, one of my best friends/roommates, who is unhealthy and overweight (by her own admission), would watch and believe that if the people on the show can lose 8 lbs in one week, then why can't she? She would shame herself because of this, even though we both knew that the contestants spent literally every waking hour working on weight loss, did it in an unhealthy manner, and had none of the "real world" distractions to deal with.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 2:09 pm 
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I agree with zelavie. Part of what I dislike about the Biggest Loser franchise is that they pretend that its healthy, but past contestants have talked about how even though it looks like they're still eating healthy food and exercising in a healthy way, they're really encouraged to manipulate numbers in a very unhealthy way, like not eating or not drinking enough water before weigh-ins. http://www.burnthefatinnercircle.com/public/614.cfm

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Fri Feb 07, 2014 11:55 pm 
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That. . . of course, proves that weight is a poor indicator of health. Oh, the irony!

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 2:23 pm 
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Article from the onion.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 3:41 pm 
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I just watched the 'Extreme Beauty Queens' programme from the Secrets of South America series on the BBC. I thought it might be an interesting and insightful investigation on the issue, but no. It was basically 56 minutes of body shaming and the presenter telling us all how lucky these women are to have the opportunity to starve themselves and spend all their family's money on plastic surgery (including sewing a mesh onto their tongues to prevent them from consuming solid food) because it makes living in poverty just A-OK. Inbetween going on about how ugly she felt around all these beauty contestants and hero-worshipping the man in charge of the competition, of course.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 4:47 pm 
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Quote:
(including sewing a mesh onto their tongues to prevent them from consuming solid food)


What the hell?

I thought the cotton ball diet was the extreme of horrifying diet tricks. I can't even.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Fri Feb 28, 2014 2:02 am 
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I am so tired of every hair product commercial portraying "before" hair as a frizzy, curly mess, and the "after" as nicely straightened, smooth hair. It doesn't have to be one or the other, and shiitake like that is why I spent 30 years, hundreds (thousands?) of dollars and countless hours fighting my hair to try to make it match the straight, smooth ideal - but it never did.

I have no issue with natural curlies who choose to straighten (or do whatever the hell they want with their hair), I just wish naturally curly hair (NOT straightened then curled hair) was better represented in media.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Fri Feb 28, 2014 2:35 am 
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poopiebitch wrote:
I am so tired of every hair product commercial portraying "before" hair as a frizzy, curly mess, and the "after" as nicely straightened, smooth hair. It doesn't have to be one or the other, and shiitake like that is why I spent 30 years, hundreds (thousands?) of dollars and countless hours fighting my hair to try to make it match the straight, smooth ideal - but it never did.

I have no issue with natural curlies who choose to straighten (or do whatever the hell they want with their hair), I just wish naturally curly hair (NOT straightened then curled hair) was better represented in media.


Sing it, sister!

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Fri Feb 28, 2014 7:41 am 
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lepelaar wrote:
poopiebitch wrote:
I am so tired of every hair product commercial portraying "before" hair as a frizzy, curly mess, and the "after" as nicely straightened, smooth hair. It doesn't have to be one or the other, and shiitake like that is why I spent 30 years, hundreds (thousands?) of dollars and countless hours fighting my hair to try to make it match the straight, smooth ideal - but it never did.

I have no issue with natural curlies who choose to straighten (or do whatever the hell they want with their hair), I just wish naturally curly hair (NOT straightened then curled hair) was better represented in media.


Sing it, sister!


Amen!

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Fri Feb 28, 2014 6:04 pm 
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poopiebitch wrote:
I am so tired of every hair product commercial portraying "before" hair as a frizzy, curly mess, and the "after" as nicely straightened, smooth hair. It doesn't have to be one or the other, and shiitake like that is why I spent 30 years, hundreds (thousands?) of dollars and countless hours fighting my hair to try to make it match the straight, smooth ideal - but it never did.

I have no issue with natural curlies who choose to straighten (or do whatever the hell they want with their hair), I just wish naturally curly hair (NOT straightened then curled hair) was better represented in media.

YES. It took me SO long to embrace my weird curls. I still see ladies with amazing curly hair and kinda wish mine was like that (full-bodied, perfect curls - as opposed to my thinnish hair with about 3 different levels of curly throughout that usually just looks messy). But most of the time I'm totally happy with the hair I have, and very glad to not waste a half hour every day straightening!

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Fri Feb 28, 2014 6:11 pm 
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I'm with you poopie, until age 30 I had that frizzy 'unmanageable' hair but then my hair straightened out somehow. I don't mind my hair now but I wish I would've appreciated it more previously because sometimes I miss it.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2014 8:16 pm 
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A facebook friend's post has gotten me thinking, and I need to get the words out. This guy is very overweight and, from what I know of him, doesn't live a healthy life in any way. A couple of years ago, he went on this big health & fitness crusade, which lasted for about 6 months. He was doing well, eating healthy foods, exercising, losing weight, bragging about his blood pressure, etc. Then some personal stuff happened and he dropped it. Now he's in this phase where he's basically reveling in his unhealthiness. Yesterday, he posted a picture of a gallon of ice cream, and an hour later posted a pic of the empty gallon (he's done this before with other junk foods). Today was "I forgot to go to the gym - that's 8 years in a row". It's stuff like that all the time.

I'm all for owning who you are and feeling comfortable in your own skin, but where's the line between self-love and self-loathe? I suspect that this is a defense mechanism for him - if he's saying it about himself, maybe it'll hurt less if other people say it? I really don't know him well enough to talk to him about any of this or anything. I'm just thinking out loud, I guess.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2014 11:22 pm 
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zelavie wrote:
A facebook friend's post has gotten me thinking, and I need to get the words out. This guy is very overweight and, from what I know of him, doesn't live a healthy life in any way. A couple of years ago, he went on this big health & fitness crusade, which lasted for about 6 months. He was doing well, eating healthy foods, exercising, losing weight, bragging about his blood pressure, etc. Then some personal stuff happened and he dropped it. Now he's in this phase where he's basically reveling in his unhealthiness. Yesterday, he posted a picture of a gallon of ice cream, and an hour later posted a pic of the empty gallon (he's done this before with other junk foods). Today was "I forgot to go to the gym - that's 8 years in a row". It's stuff like that all the time.

I'm all for owning who you are and feeling comfortable in your own skin, but where's the line between self-love and self-loathe? I suspect that this is a defense mechanism for him - if he's saying it about himself, maybe it'll hurt less if other people say it? I really don't know him well enough to talk to him about any of this or anything. I'm just thinking out loud, I guess.



Could you just ask him if he is okay? And let him lead the conversation?

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 11:01 am 
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Hi all- I'm still a newbie here, so I'm not sure if it's okay to bring something up in this thread. My apologies if it's not.

I have never been comfortable with my appearance. The first time I became aware of any problem with how I looked, it was because of comments made by my mother. My mother telling me I had bad skin, my mother telling me I didn't have the right body for the bathing suit I wanted to get, my mother telling me I can't pull off wearing red or pink, my mother rattling off calorie counts for food she didn't want me to eat. This was all when I was in elementary or Jr. high school. I don't want to come across like I'm putting all the blame on my mother, but she really did make me aware of all my flaws before I noticed them myself.

Over the weekend, she came to visit and I was upset by the way she treated my daughter. I have boy / girl twins who are 3.5 years old. My daughter is in the 40th percentile for weight, and my mother made comments to her about her "fat little belly". She made exaggerated grunting / straining noises any time she picked my daughter up. She did not do the same with my son, even though they are the same weight.

I worry that even at 3.5 my daughter is going to pick up on these comments. I don't want her to grow up hating her body the way I did, and still do. But I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive and letting my own issues with my mother get in the way. Has anyone out there dealt with something similar? Would you say anything, or just let it slide?


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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 11:06 am 
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I have said things to my mom when she commented negatively about my girls appearance.
Something to the effect of "Well, mom, that is an opinion, but I am raising my kids to think beyond their appearance." She eventually backed off on what she said to the kids. But not to me. The first thing out of her mouth every time she sees me is something about my weight.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 11:20 am 
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BhelOfTheBall wrote:
...  Has anyone out there dealt with something similar? Would you say anything, or just let it slide?

You're perfectly right to post in here, it's what the thread is for. I'm so sorry it sounds like you're having to relive negative aspects of your childhood because of your mother's interactions with your daughter.

I haven't dealt with exactly the same situation but there are a few members of my family who seem to have double standards with weight when it comes to males and females, and I've had a long struggle to make it clear that I find their focus on my weight/appearance or anyone else's to be unhelpful and not something I want to discuss. I would definitely raise it. Perhaps a letter would be a good idea, so your mother can take time to absorb your points. If you try to put some positives in too hopefully she won't see it as an outright attack and will be more inclined to take your points on board?

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 1:22 pm 
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I don't have kids, but I did grow up with a lot of body shaming from parents, grand parents, etc. and if I did have kids my rule would be this: We praise and correct what our kids "do" not how they look. If you can't follow that rule, you don't get to see them.

I've dealt with self-hatred and disordered eating for much of my life and there is no way in hell I would allow that cycle to continue with a precious new generation.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 3:27 pm 
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i get a lot of body shaming from my mother where she manages to find some way of telling me i am too skinny to the point of being unattractive (once she sucked in her cheeks and told me that was what i looked like, tells me i look like i am on the verge of death) and need to be less careful about what i eat (by this, she means stop being vegan, and i feel a lot of the shaming ties in to her wanting to manipulate me into being 'normal'), yet on occasions where she sees me eating, she makes snide comments that i am eating too much food. i am adult and this mostly rolls off my back, but still, it would be great if i didn't have to deal with this. the kicker is that i have a good 30+ pounds of weight on my sister, who is of a similar height and build, yet she doesn't get any of this crepe from my mother.


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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 4:12 pm 
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My partner's family, especially his mom, are obsessed with weight and appearance and pretty much all she ever talks about is the fad diet she is currently on. She made her first comment about my daughter's weight when my daughter was about two weeks old. I asked her right then to please never discuss diets or comment negatively about her own or anyone else's body in front of our daughter. (And p.s., we love you, etc.) She got upset and probably went and told a bunch of people how mean I am, but oh well, fork that. I don't think there's anything wrong with making such request to your family.


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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 4:20 pm 
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People are really kind of shockingly rude to children. I am always surprised by how many personal comments people make about them, like they can't understand or aren't right there.

When I was little (like 10 or so), two of my mom's friends were talking with her, and one of them said (about me), "its such a shame she's so dark, she'd be really pretty otherwise." Because that is exactly what a self-conscious preteen needs to hear.

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