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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 9:54 pm 
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Ha! I love the expression he's got as he reads the sign. "I DURN'T GET IT!"

I had opportunity to pass out my first street harassment card today. Yay...?

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 10:02 pm 
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I should print out some cards. For some reason, this week I literally didn't have one day where no one street harassed me. (What gives guys in San Jose? Didn't you guys see the video on Jez?!)

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2014 9:22 am 
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I've lost about 25lbs since March, and feel great. But, I was at a party the other day, and one of my friends was going on and on and on about how much better I look and it ended up making me feel a bit crappy. Because "OMG its SUCH an improvement!" makes me feel like I needed improvement.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2014 9:26 am 
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Ugh, a former coworker used to comment and say "oh my god you look so good how did you lose so much weight?!" constantly because my staff photo on our website was not too flattering a photo and made me look like 30 pounds heavier than I was. It was really disturbing because I never vary much in my weight and it's like I was expected to be all flattered and proud of myself.


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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2014 3:36 am 
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Has anyone had to bring up body shaming stuff with clients before?
I've got a disability work client who is constantly making comments about anyone chubby or fat on tv. A recent example was, "Oh, she's crying... probably because she wants a piece of cake so bad" (about someone who got through to the next round on the X Factor). He's generally got a kinda wry, dark sense of humour which we often share, but in this case and some others, it crosses over into being mean, which just makes me angry and sad, and incredibly uncomfortable. I usually don't say anything because I'm not sure how best to navigate it in a relationship where I am taking care of his personal needs so there's a lot of physical intimacy there - I think that can make people feel especially vulnerable, and I don't want to jeopardise our working relationship by making him feel uncomfortable around me or like I'm picking on him. I come into his home and have a lot of power in the relationship in some ways. But I hate not saying anything and I hate listening to him say this awful stuff about people and think it's funny.

I've thought about responding with fairly light stuff, so in the case of the comment he made earlier, I could have said, "I'd say she was crying because she was excited to get through, actually", or something along those lines, but I'm worried that it would come off as a passive-aggressive/"PC police" (I hate that term!) dig at him. I did say something about how when the some of the contestants got voted out, they were the ones who didn't fit standard beauty norms (for a variety of reasons including size), so wouldn't sell records as easily, which sucked because they were really talented, and he agreed - it's not like he doesn't understand this stuff - but then he still commented on how one of them was probably "on his way to the food court".

How would you navigate this situation?

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2014 9:57 pm 
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I've flat-out told people that the language they're using makes me uncomfortable. The most recent in memory was when a guy I was speaking to at work used "rape" in a non-literal sense, and I said "please don't use that word casually, it's a very serious term." He seemed genuinely surprised, then apologized and all was cool.

I know your situation is very different from mine, and as you mention he's in a potentially vulnerable position in relation to you as you take care of his needs. But I think you're well within your professional reach and definitely your personal rights to simply say "you know, I find that kind of language and body-shaming really hurtful. I would really appreciate it if you could not use that sort of language when we're talking." It doesn't matter if you're not fat yourself- just as you don't need to be a person of color in order to find a racist joke vile and objectionable.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2014 1:06 am 
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I've gained about 6 pounds in the past 6 months and I've felt a little self-conscious about it, but generally okay. I attribute the weight gain to work stress and finding an amazing boyfriend who loves my cooking. I was pretty skinny to begin with and cold all the time, so I probably needed to put on some weight.

Today I was told I'm "getting big" and it made me feel so bad. Like I've failed somehow. I am 5'7" and 123lbs, so not even close to overweight. I know this. But when I look at myself now, that's what I see. People forking suck.


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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2014 4:02 am 
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ashley wrote:
I've gained about 6 pounds in the past 6 months and I've felt a little self-conscious about it, but generally okay. I attribute the weight gain to work stress and finding an amazing boyfriend who loves my cooking. I was pretty skinny to begin with and cold all the time, so I probably needed to put on some weight.

Today I was told I'm "getting big" and it made me feel so bad. Like I've failed somehow. I am 5'7" and 123lbs, so not even close to overweight. I know this. But when I look at myself now, that's what I see. People forking suck.


Don't listen to them. 6 pounds is nothing. I gain that from being on my period haha. But seriously, you haven't "failed" whatever weight you are. You can't be a failure based on your weight, it's not something you can fail or succeed in.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2014 11:07 am 
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I totally get that, ashley! What vixki said though. You're an amazing lady, and you certainly haven't failed. If anything, it sounds like you've gotten even better! I wish people would learn to just not comment on people's weight.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2014 2:48 pm 
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Thanks guys. The funny thing is that people used to comment on how thin I was, both positively and negatively, and that made me uncomfortable too. It would be awesome if people would keep their opinions to themselves.


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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2014 3:33 pm 
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I was remembering that, ashley! I think that's why I thought I could relate. I know as my weight creeps back up, I feel weird about it just because everyone made a big deal about me losing weight in the first place. So I feel somehow obligated to maintain it? Or, I don't know. Feeling are hard. But yeah, moral of the story: Don't comment on other people's weight!

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2014 5:36 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
I've lost about 25lbs since March, and feel great. But, I was at a party the other day, and one of my friends was going on and on and on about how much better I look and it ended up making me feel a bit crappy. Because "OMG its SUCH an improvement!" makes me feel like I needed improvement.

I'm sorry. I'm going through this right now as well and it feels pretty shitty when everyone starts letting you know how awful they thought you looked before.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2014 4:47 pm 
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This Dear Abby column, where Dear Abby gives horribly fat-shaming advice. Don't even think about reading the comments.

I don't want it to get any extra hits, so I am quoting it, but here is the link to prove its real. http://news.yahoo.com/overweight-womans ... 07835.html

Quote:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 24-year-old plus-sized woman (60 or 70 pounds overweight), but very comfortable in my own skin. When swimming in public, I wear a one-piece bathing suit because it doesn't attract a lot of attention. When I'm home, I have a bikini top and shorts I prefer to wear. This is because I don't like being covered up like it was in the 1950s, and I feel good when my curves are properly accentuated.

When I go back to see my family and swim, I wear a bikini top and black shorts. Recently, my mother said, "When the family comes over, you can't wear that. It makes people uncomfortable."

I was shocked, and we had a huge argument. Most of my cousins are fine with my attire, as are my aunts. Only Mom has a problem with it. I asked if she'd feel the same about a large man swimming without a T-shirt. She said it's different for women.

Am I wrong for wanting to be comfortable in my childhood home? Mom should be proud to have a daughter who accepts herself as she is. Who is wrong here? -- OFFENDED DAUGHTER IN CHICAGO

DEAR OFFENDED DAUGHTER: You are not wrong for wanting to be comfortable. But please remember that when you visit someone else's home, that person's wishes take precedence -- even if it used to be your childhood home.

While you say you are comfortable in your own skin, it would be interesting to know what your physician thinks about your obesity. I suspect that your mother would be prouder of you if you were less complacent and more willing to do something about your weight problem.


My advice would be to rock her bikini and ignore the haters.

And thank you NA! I know people are trying to be complimentary, but yikes!

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Last edited by Tofulish on Sun Aug 10, 2014 4:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2014 4:50 pm 
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ewwww, that's a horrible answer! jeeze. I bet the original dear abby would not be happy about that. that's horrible.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2014 4:55 pm 
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Nebraskalaska wrote:
Tofulish wrote:
I've lost about 25lbs since March, and feel great. But, I was at a party the other day, and one of my friends was going on and on and on about how much better I look and it ended up making me feel a bit crappy. Because "OMG its SUCH an improvement!" makes me feel like I needed improvement.

I'm sorry. I'm going through this right now as well and it feels pretty shitty when everyone starts letting you know how awful they thought you looked before.


yeah, I've had this problem, too. I also lost 25 pounds and got really tired of people commenting on it. It's started to subside now that it's been about 6 months, but it's pretty frustrating. I had to tell one family member to please stop commenting on my appearance. the fact that he has made fat phobic comments about other people in the past made his compliments worse. I did sort of enjoy when people asked me how I did it and I was like "i measured and weighed all of my food. I cooked all of my own food and i started exercising." I think most people are hoping to hear you did something magical.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2014 5:30 pm 
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ijustdiedinside wrote:
Nebraskalaska wrote:
Tofulish wrote:
I've lost about 25lbs since March, and feel great. But, I was at a party the other day, and one of my friends was going on and on and on about how much better I look and it ended up making me feel a bit crappy. Because "OMG its SUCH an improvement!" makes me feel like I needed improvement.

I'm sorry. I'm going through this right now as well and it feels pretty shitty when everyone starts letting you know how awful they thought you looked before.
yeah, I've had this problem, too. I also lost 25 pounds and got really tired of people commenting on it. It's started to subside now that it's been about 6 months, but it's pretty frustrating. I had to tell one family member to please stop commenting on my appearance. the fact that he has made fat phobic comments about other people in the past made his compliments worse. I did sort of enjoy when people asked me how I did it and I was like "i measured and weighed all of my food. I cooked all of my own food and i started exercising." I think most people are hoping to hear you did something magical.
Even when I'm "bigger" for me, I'm a "normal" weight/size (probably 6-8), but this sort of thing will still happen if things dip a bit, for whatever reason. At various points in the past, I've been seriously tempted to reply truthfully to the gush of compliments with answers like, "I'm being treated for an ulcer that makes it impossibly painful to digest anything at all," or "my mother died and I don't feel like eating or cooking or doing much of anything," or (best of all), "I've had an ED relapse which is actually pretty horrible and depressing, but I'm working on getting better." Thanks so much for bringing it up!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 6:55 am 
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I'm fat but for a long time was at a stable weight that I was happy with.* Certain people at my old job would say to me every few weeks "You look great! Have you lost weight?" Um, no.... How do people think this is a compliment?

*I've lost weight recently due to having to run up and down stairs carrying piles of books at my new job, but this happened before that.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 7:14 am 
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lepelaar wrote:
I'm fat but for a long time was at a stable weight that I was happy with.* Certain people at my old job would say to me every few weeks "You look great! Have you lost weight?" Um, no.... How do people think this is a compliment?
You should have answered, "No, but I dyed my hair blue," or "No, but I've started wearing this parrot on my head," or something equally ridiculous and inane.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 7:17 am 
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Desdemona wrote:
lepelaar wrote:
I'm fat but for a long time was at a stable weight that I was happy with.* Certain people at my old job would say to me every few weeks "You look great! Have you lost weight?" Um, no.... How do people think this is a compliment?
You should have answered, "No, but I dyed my hair blue," or "No, but I've started wearing this parrot on my head," or something equally ridiculous and inane.


Ah, would that I had these snappy answers at my fingertips! I need a pocket Desdemona who whispers these things to me at appropriate moments!

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 9:50 am 
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I think that complimenting someone's body and especially weightloss is problematic because it reinforces the notion that it’s okay to monitor other people’s bodies and that it’s okay to let people know that we are monitoring and judging their bodies.

Being female already means that you can't just move through the world unremarked upon, so the "compliments" are a reminder of that. You're always being watched and judged, and that isn't very comfortable.

I like Sandra Bartsky's writings on the panopticon of modern culture. The panopticon is a prison design (from 18th C philosopher Jeremy Bentham). Its key feature is that the prisoners cannot tell when they are being watched and when they are not. The uncertainty about when they are under surveillance means that prisoners begin to regulate themselves. Bartky explains that, women in patriarchal societies feel constantly watched by men, much like the prisoners of the Panopticon, and also begin to police themselves based on the fact that they have to assume that they are being watched at all times. It is very intrusive, because its like the oppressor has gotten into your head and there is literally no space where you can be unobserved or unremarked upon.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 11:05 am 
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A friend (former colleague) of mine recently posted a picture of Barbara Streisand asking people to guess who it was, apparently because she's had some plastic surgery and doesn't feel she's recognizable anymore. Aside from the meanness of the initial post (she's totally recognizable as Barbara Streisand) the comments from his friends are awful: things like "How sad. Now she needs to sleep with her eyes open" and "She got everything lifted but she kept that ugly nose?!"

I seldom feel pity for celebrities in the limelight (actually, I seldom pay attention to them) but how awful must it be to have all eyes on you as you age and feel that every choice you make concerning your body is public property?

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 11:26 am 
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Tofulish wrote:
Bartky explains that, women in patriarchal societies feel constantly watched by men, much like the prisoners of the Panopticon, and also begin to police themselves based on the fact that they have to assume that they are being watched at all times. It is very intrusive, because its like the oppressor has gotten into your head and there is literally no space where you can be unobserved or unremarked upon.
lepelaar wrote:
I seldom feel pity for celebrities in the limelight (actually, I seldom pay attention to them) but how awful must it be to have all eyes on you as you age and feel that every choice you make concerning your body is public property?
This blog piece about all the kerfuffle surrounding Kim Novak at the Oscars addressed this phenomenon (and the way it's an ongoing, no-win situation) very well.
Quote:
The card at the modeling agency where the 20-year-old was working said: “Hands, marginal; legs, hefty; neck and face, flawless." Cohn put Novak on a stringent diet, all the while calling her “that fat Polack” (Novak’s background is Czech) behind her back. She followed an exercise regime. She was assigned a make-up artist. Her teeth were capped. Her hair was dyed blonde, then rinsed to make it gleam lavender in the light.
So she bought into the whole thing, and 60+ years later, it's still not good enough. (Of course, if she hadn't done any of it, she would have had no career. Or if she had stopped doing it when she reached "a certain age," no one would even remember who she was.)

http://selfstyledsiren.blogspot.com/201 ... novak.html

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 12:45 pm 
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The sister of a childhood friend (so pretty much one of those acquaintances you don't understand why you are "friends" with) posted a photo on facebook that she had taken of an overweight woman walking across the street with her pants kind of falling down and part of her butt showing, and made a comment like "lol, you know you're back in Florida when you see this mess!". Everyone commented lols and hahahaha and "yep, that's America" and I uncharacteristically flipped out because first of all 1) don't forking take photos of people on the street to mock them, 2) SO MANY WRONGS, 3) SO MANY MORE WRONGS. She was like "no fat-shaming here--it's just hilarious that her pants are falling off!".


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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 12:47 pm 
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vijita wrote:
The sister of a childhood friend (so pretty much one of those acquaintances you don't understand why you are "friends" with) posted a photo on facebook that she had taken of an overweight woman walking across the street with her pants kind of falling down and part of her butt showing, and made a comment like "lol, you know you're back in Florida when you see this mess!". Everyone commented lols and hahahaha and "yep, that's America" and I uncharacteristically flipped out because first of all 1) don't forking take photos of people on the street to mock them, 2) SO MANY WRONGS, 3) SO MANY MORE WRONGS. She was like "no fat-shaming here--it's just hilarious that her pants are falling off!".
That is horrible. Ugh.

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 Post subject: Re: Had enough of body shaming?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 1:09 pm 
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You may be aware that Lifetime is shooting an Aaliyah biopic. They've apparently just cast Missy Elliott and Timbaland.

Real Life:
Image

Reel Life:
Spoiler: show
Image


The difference is less pronounced in Timbaland's character (although the actor's skin is markedly lighter), but holy guacamole. They seriously couldn't find a dark-skinned, fuller-figured actress in all of America simply for the sake of casting someone who actually looks like the very-much-alive and prodigiously-photographed Missy Elliott?

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