Post Punk Kitchen Forum

I don't think I'll tell anyone about it. I'm gonna see my doctor sometime after christmas, and hopefully I'll be diagnosed then. I don't want to risk anything, now that I've come this far.

I wish you lots of luck, and I hope you still manage to have a nice holiday season. It's usually the worst time for me, cooped up at home and I don't like having so little to do.. Let me know how you get on with the doctor.

Thank you. I know the feeling, I often get very depressed on holidays and school breaks. I need to have a lot to do all the time, otherwise I'll think too much. Take care! I'll give you an update when I've been to the hospital.

Walrus - I want to say I'm so proud of you for seeking help. I don't feel comfortable sharing on a public forum but I had some serious struggles in my early 20s. It takes a lot of courage to seek help. Know that you are valued and you make a difference in the world. You are a kind, gentle and caring person and the world needs more people like you.

Thanks bigpinkjellybean. Yeah I got there a few minutes early and started writing all the stuff down thta was bothering me. I guess what I wasnt sure of is what I wanted to achieve.
How are you doing???

I hope it helped? That's great that you're figuring out what you want from it, I think it works best that way. And even though your therapist can suggest things, you'll know what works best for you. Let me know how you get on. Have the anti-depressants kicked in yet?
I had a bit of a bust up with my boyfriend a few days ago, and realised through that that I've been getting more depressed this semester at uni, and that I've been treating him like a therapist, and relying on him to an extent that he can't cope with it. I'm going to find a therapist again, and try to work through things. I've figured out what triggered things off again (feeling let down by two of my closest friends) so hopefully I'll be able to address that, and other stuff that I always struggle with.

I have been suffering from depression for some years now, and I'm taking Lexapro. I'm going through a divorce which makes it a little more difficult to deal with. I seem to have a tape playing in my head that says that I don't deserve to be happy, and my soon to be ex husband supported that. He insisted that I cook meat for him even though it made me sick to smell it and look at it. There are not too many vegans that I know here in Texas. I am a member of the Fort Worth Vegetarian Society, and it is comforting to be around other vegans and to visit this forum and get support.

I am having the hardest time imagining what it might be like inside of a non-depressed person's head. Like, does every little thing they do not feel like an effort? Do they just get out of bed and stay out and cook for themselves and clean their bathrooms without having to talk themselves into it every single time? I just can't imagine functioning that way, but I can't figure out if anyone does or if it's just an idealized image I have. I also can't imagine what it would be like not to analyze every mood/feeling I have - like "Oh, I'm smiling at that dog and enjoying the song on my iPod. I must not be depressed and I should just get my act together. Because I am terrified that I will sort out the depression only to discover that I'm actually just lazy, unreliable, and selfish and the depression had nothing to do with it.

For me, the biggest help has been surrounding myself with positive people who believe in me and getting rid of toxic people who drag me down and make me feel that I don't deserve hapiness.

im lazy, unreliable, and selfish. my depression did have nothing to do with it and ya know what, its okay! enough people still like me, i like enough people, things are good!

For me its more like the spectrum is shortened so you don't have the same crazy lows that take all your energy and partly because of that, you move through the lows quicker, if that makes sense.

You have the same feelings - you sometimes feel tired, worthless, overwhelmed, selfish, stupid, depressed and sometimes you have to talk yourself into doing stuff you don't want to do. So if you sort out the depression, you're still going to be human, and you're not going to magically stop hurting, but it doesn't feel as out of control. And you have more perspective around it, as an example, you don't think that dying is the only way to stop it.

And then there are good times, which happen and last longer than a few minutes, and you get to actually be present for those, which is great.

super squishy hugs to all of you!



This makes me wonder about me a bit. On a side note (and this isn't to trivialize anything, but I heard this this morning and was fascinated) they're saying that sometimes depression is really undiagnosed adult ADHD! Fascinatingness. I definitely have issues of one kind or another.

I forgot the link! http://abcnews.go.com/Health/OnCall/adu ... d=12445961

A little over a year ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and ADHD and my therapist thinks I might also be suffering from PTSD (I was sexually abused for a long period of time in my teens, so I could see how she would come to that conclusion). My mother is also BP, so it didn't come as a shock when I found out. My mom has been pretty unsupportive in all of this because she believes that she's just fine, that I'm just fine. And that's not the case at all. I'm not just "overly-energetic", I can't sit still for more than thirty minutes. I don't have a "short-fuse", I have legitimate anger issues.

[Potential Triggers]
I become enraged at situations that don't warrant that level of anger (if they warrant anger at all) and I can't effectively deal with it. I eventually sought help after an incident with a neighbor that almost involved property damage and I can't even remember why. I've always had depressive periods, but they escalated to anger after breaking away from my abuser. It makes me feel guilty, like if I stayed, maybe I wouldn't be so angry? Because there are times when I'd rather be cripplingly depressed than so violently angry.

Being abused made me have issues with self-worth and control. I used to binge eat for comfort, but then I would purge to "punish" myself. If I was sad or angry or hurt, I could go to Publix or Food Lion and spend hundreds of dollars on food to make myself feel better, only to throw it all back up. I've since stopped doing that, but it's been very hard. And I still find myself running to the grocery store and filling a cart with junk food, only to put it all back and sit in my car and cry. If anything, I have the most trouble with that. I feel like a prisoner in my own house, sometimes. Trapped with all of this food that would make me feel so much better if I just ate it all. It's just...it's hard. And no one understands that I can't control that. I can't just...not go to the store. It's like a magnetic pull. I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack if I can't get through those doors. Nothing make me happier than holding a box of cereal or a giant jar of pickles. Because that's the only time I feel like I'm in control. Buy food, eat food, feel happy. It's...hard.


I'm seeing someone I really like about all of this. Right now, I'm not medicated because I don't have insurance and I can't afford it out of pocket. But my therapist lets me make payments because I truly need her until I can get insurance in March. I need to be medicated, honestly. It scares me that I'm not. But as long as I have someone to talk to, I can manage pretty well.

I'm going through a situation with my in-laws right now that has me in a pretty angry spot, but I'm trying to channel that into something else. I dunno what yet, though. I really just want to eat everything in the pantry so I don't have to think about it, honestly.

HV - That sounds really rough - I'm sorry :( At the very least, it's great that you found a therapist who understands and is trying to help you out! But to have your mom be bipolar too and unwilling to face it and help you - :/ *hugs*

My stupid depression makes it so hard for me to be interested in anything. I used to be really excited about vegan cooking and I accumulated all these great vegan cookbooks that I dont even want to look at now.
Most of the time I cant even find anything interesting on the internet. And it's... THE INTERNET. It holds the resources to everything subject imaginable.
I have a hard time getting out of bed because of this, nothing gets me excited lately.

Big internet hugs to everyone who is struggling right now. I wish I had something more helpful and insightful to say.

Some days are way worse than others. I've had to deal with depression for a long time. Anxiety has been getting exponentially worse for the last year or so. This alone makes everything SO much harder. I really want to try to find a therapist and/or psychiatrist to talk to, but that is monumentally hard. I seriously don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my 2 cats. Well, I would 100% not be alive. I really fear for the day that I stop caring about them like everything else, but at the same time sometimes I wish it would come.

Not lighthearted, I know, but I'm sitting at work and just had to get something off my chest.

I hope everyone else is doing okay!

I often wonder if there are actually people who wake up in the morning and are happy to be there, and they don't hurt, and they don't feel sad, and they are not worried about things to the point of being sick.

Since being on winter break, I am so much worse. I know part of it is what happened with Gizmo last week, but part of it must be my depression and anxiety creeping back. I don't feel like doing anything, but at the same time I'm extremely bored. There are so many things that I want to do, like make myself a cute scarf, learn how to sew, work out, or just travel somewhere, even if it's just a day trip, but I just don't feel like it. I worked out for four days in a row, and then all this crepe with Gizmo happened, and I just quit. I feel like a failure because I can't even work out for a week without quitting.

Another thing is that I am so, so worried about messing something up at school and subsequently not getting into vet school. Every time I have some small accomplishment at school, my mind immediately goes "that is probably not good enough to get accepted." My current GPA is more than good enough to get in (as long as I can keep it up) but I still doubt myself. I feel like I need to be doing more, I need to learn how to study better, but I don't know how.

Whine whine whine. I feel pretty sorry for myself.

If you can get the 'script, you could look into getting drugs from out of country. I ordered my meds from there because my insurance would basically cover only one of my meds for the year, not both of them. The one I've used is http://www.canadapharmacy.com/ and I've never had a problem. It takes a little longer, but its better than not taking them!

I wonder about this sometimes too. Are there people out there who don't feel this way? (Bereavement, breakups etc excepted) Do some people never experience any form of depression and anxiety at all?

I hope everyone has a much happier new year. I'm thinking of you all.

I've been having a reeeeaally bad couple of weeks. It's really difficult for me to talk about with friends or my SO, let alone on the boards, but I guess I just need to state for the record that I am having a seriously tough time of late. I am making changes to my life right now that will hopefully address and positively affect my problems, but it's difficult for me to ask for help. Part of me feels that my depression makes me such a flawed, undesireable person that admitting to it in front of others or revealing just how bad it is will disgust them and push them away.

I know you probably know this inside, and it's hard to remember, but if someone was disgusted by your depression, you don't need them. You deserve to have people around you that are supportive and who love you and want to help you, not people who will leave as soon as they realize that things are not perfect. *hugs* I really hope things improve for you soon.

I've been feeling down on myself the last couple of days for the most ridiculous reason. I found the PERFECT land for my home/sanctuary/vet hospital (actually there are four different ones that would work really well, but this is the most perfect). It is 157 acres, and the down payment would only be about $6000. So, of course I feel bad about myself because somehow, I feel that at 19-almost-20 years old, I should have $6000, what, lounging about in a savings account? I don't know why I expect more than is actually possible from myself.

The New Year always makes me feel bad. It's like time is ticking, my life is creeping away from me and I should be doing something ultra-productive with every minute of my day. My guilt says to me 'everyone else out there is doing something, why aren't you?' but I feel so forking tired all the time at the moment. I cook every day, I keep on top of the housework and laundry, I look after my animal friends but I don't dedicate enough time to other pursuits as I feel I 'should' be. It makes me feel like any efforts I put towards them are futile and it's starting to push me into the downwards spiral.