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 Post subject: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 7:57 pm 
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I've been getting all kinds of hell from people that come into my work when they start thinking they know me and ask me if I like/want/have kids. I tell them kids are fine for some people, but I personally don't like them and plan to remain child-free. However, I think other people having kids is fabulous.

They always rocket into speeches about how "I'll change" and my "biological clock" and the "motherhood instinct." This is the point where I really want to punch them because I think, "How dare you?" I don't sit there telling them that their children are horrible or that no one should have kids, so why do they have to question my choices? Why does this never happen the other way around?

I'm just kind of down about it and could use some support. I hate all the pressure.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:02 pm 
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I'm also child free and don't ever see myself changing that, but I wouldn't assume it doesn't go the other way around. I've heard some people really come down on those that choose to have kids at all - and especially if they choose to have too many.
I never really get any shiitake about it, except I've been told it's selfish? Like having kids isn't?

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:02 pm 
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I'm right there with ya. Don't want kids but luckily no one gives me shiitake for it except my family, and I don't have to see them too often. I'm also not in a relationship, I think it's probably a lot worse if you are after a certain age because then people expect you to have them together because, ya know, that's what couples do.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:06 pm 
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Quarantined wrote:
I'm right there with ya. Don't want kids but luckily no one gives me shiitake for it except my family, and I don't have to see them too often. I'm also not in a relationship, I think it's probably a lot worse if you are after a certain age because then people expect you to have them together because, ya know, that's what couples do.


My solution to this is getting Essure whenever I can find someone who will do it. Then my family can give up all hope and leave us alone finally.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:08 pm 
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You could get a "I hate kids tattoo"
That'll seal the deal

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:10 pm 
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Fee wrote:
I'm also child free and don't ever see myself changing that, but I wouldn't assume it doesn't go the other way around. I've heard some people really come down on those that choose to have kids at all - and especially if they choose to have too many.
I never really get any shiitake about it, except I've been told it's selfish? Like having kids isn't?

yeah there is judgment the other way too, like for single mothers on welfare I have known. People suck.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:11 pm 
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Fee wrote:
You could get a "I hate kids tattoo"
That'll seal the deal

As long as it can be a banner around broccoli.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:13 pm 
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We're childless and plan on staying that way. In fact, Mike is getting snipped in February (woohoo!). People used to give me crepe and say 'you'll change your mind', etc., but I think they've now come to the realisation that I'm 31 and still don't want kids, so I probably never will. My sister has decided to have kids, and I live thousands of miles away from my family, so I'm not getting any pressure there. Mike's sister has 3 kids, so his parents stay off my back.

I'm totally fine with other people having kids. Just don't crawl up my asparagus when I don't wanna hold it, change it, or babysit, and don't think showing me pictures of your kid or bringing it in to the office (or whatever) is gonna get me to change my mind. I'm not even all that comfortable with my niblings (though they're Mike's sister's kids, so I'm less attached to them), and I can give them back.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:15 pm 
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I feel guilty because my brother, my only other sibling, medically can't have children.

But actually, I did have a good talk with my mom a month or so ago and she said she has come to peace with idea she won't have grandchildren. I know I shouldn't care, but it made me feel better.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:16 pm 
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Wait wait wait, don't you work at Starbucks? Why are customers asking you about kids and not coffee?!

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:17 pm 
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Truuuu. My mom is always telling me how I will want kids someday and how I will like them if they are mine, but I really just don't care for children and I can't picture myself having them ever. Never something I fantasized about, and it's just really not for everyone. I know I'm not the only one since almost all the fine ladies I've worked with have not wanted kids/don't like kids and are perfectly fine with their four-legged babies.


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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:17 pm 
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chatter710 wrote:
Wait wait wait, don't you work at Starbucks? Why are customers asking you about kids and not coffee?!

Because all the regulars want to be my friends and I guess they feel entitled to ask me personal questions. I also had a man ask if I was hearing impaired because the coffee grinder was on and I couldn't hear what he wanted. People are lovely.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:19 pm 
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rachell37 wrote:
I'm totally fine with other people having kids. Just don't crawl up my asparagus when I don't wanna hold it, change it, or babysit, and don't think showing me pictures of your kid or bringing it in to the office (or whatever) is gonna get me to change my mind. I'm not even all that comfortable with my niblings (though they're Mike's sister's kids, so I'm less attached to them), and I can give them back.


This is basically me. I hate when people pull the whole "Hold my baby!" thing and then when I'm forced to do so because they basically throw the poor kid at me, they say, "See? I knew you liked kids! You'd be a great mom!"

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:26 pm 
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Sarah wrote:
chatter710 wrote:
Wait wait wait, don't you work at Starbucks? Why are customers asking you about kids and not coffee?!

Because all the regulars want to be my friends and I guess they feel entitled to ask me personal questions. I also had a man ask if I was hearing impaired because the coffee grinder was on and I couldn't hear what he wanted. People are lovely.


PEOPLE. Can't stand 'em.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:32 pm 
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I don't know why people can't mind their own damn business regardless of what your personal decision is. It's such an intensely personal choice and should be respected, period. I want a child desperately and am seriously running out of time to have one, but I'm not going to project my desire onto someone else. And if I end up having a kid, I'm not going to demand that everyone else does just to validate my choice.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:41 pm 
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i used to want kids when i was younger, and now that i'm older (28) i'm not so sure anymore. part of me sort of still wants to, but i'm honestly just not that great with kids. i'm not wonderful at communicating with my nieces and nephews and i really can't communicate with my boyfriend's kid. my mom keeps haggling me though (even though she now has 5 grandkids) to have children so that she can have some 'normal grandchildren'. yeah. she totally thinks that i'm the one who's gonna raise normal kids. seriously.

she has even told me that if i don't have kids by the time i'm 30 that i should 'just have one'. i'm not sure if she expects me to have an immaculate conception or what. also, i'm poor as fork. if i can't afford to go to a sperm bank or adopt, then i sure as hell can't afford to make a choice to raise a child! not that you have to be rich, but i'm seriously barely able to support myself on what i make. also, i like sleep. and quiet. wow, i'm really convincing myself more and more that i don't want them after all.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:42 pm 
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This is one of the reason I really would like to not talk to my mom for the next 10 years or so. She desperately wants grandchildren and she dotes heavily on my cousins which I thought would help her burn off the energy of wanting to be around kids but no. If she wanted grandkids so bad, she should've upped her chances by having more than 1 kid.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:45 pm 
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yeah, it's true monkeytoes.

I remember when we got our 3rd dog, I told someone who goes to yoga class with me "We just got another dog!" I was so excited. All she said was "sounds like SOMEONE wants a baby." I was so shocked. And the thing is, how rude would that be if it were true??? It really bummed me out. At the time I wasn't even sure if I maybe did want kids, but knew for 100% sure that my partner didn't... so it wasn't really my favorite subject. And anyhow, dog #3 rules my freaking universe and I love him so much. So there, rude lady!

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:45 pm 
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Sarah wrote:
rachell37 wrote:
I'm totally fine with other people having kids. Just don't crawl up my asparagus when I don't wanna hold it, change it, or babysit, and don't think showing me pictures of your kid or bringing it in to the office (or whatever) is gonna get me to change my mind. I'm not even all that comfortable with my niblings (though they're Mike's sister's kids, so I'm less attached to them), and I can give them back.


This is basically me. I hate when people pull the whole "Hold my baby!" thing and then when I'm forced to do so because they basically throw the poor kid at me, they say, "See? I knew you liked kids! You'd be a great mom!"


I can sympathize with your post. Now that I recently got married, I get the question more often. I'm 34 and have never had a desire to have children. Sometimes I could see myself potentially adopting a child if I really feel the urge, but in general kids are not my forte.

I had something similar happen regarding the here-hold-my-baby thing too. A couple of years ago, I went to a coworker's house after his baby was christened. I went with my hubby (who was my boyfriend at the time). I was asked if I wanted to hold the baby but my b-friend was NOT asked. I told my coworker's wife no thanks (partially because the baby had recently been very sick and secondly because I'm kinda afraid of holding babies). But I felt irritated that it was assumed I would want to hold the baby because I'm a woman and my SO wouldn't. He's the one who wants kids more than me, although I think he's resigned himself to the fact that I don't want kids.

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:49 pm 
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I don't want children either. I like other people's children (for the most part), I do well with children (for the most part) and all that jazz.... but I cannot ever see myself giving birth and all of that. I just don't want to. Call me selfish, call me silly, just don't freaking tell me that it [being pregnant or having children] will change my world and my outlook. Maybe it would, but I'm not going to have a kid to find out.

"You'd be a great mom!" yep, maybe I would.... but we'll never know, now will we? If you could find me my perfect mate, set aside all the money it takes to raise a child, plan for my future as well as theirs, purchase a house for this family, and so on.... maybe we could talk about possibly having a child. Probably not.


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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:50 pm 
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you know another thing... it's obviously a give and take. I can see from my many, many friends with kids that their children are an immeasurable source of joy and love in their lives. I see that, and I have to admit, it makes me think I would enjoy parenting. But I also see that children are a source of worry and concern and that my parent friends don't have the time, money or energy for travel and painting and yoga and all the things I love. So, I think both answers have benefits and losses (like anything in life).

People who are being buttinskis are probably just failing at communicating their overall contentment with the choices they made. Although sometimes I think they may also be failing at communicating their regret about choices they didn't make. :(

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:39 pm 
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I always say I am allergic to kids...that shuts them up!

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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:47 pm 
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ameyfm wrote:
you know another thing... it's obviously a give and take. I can see from my many, many friends with kids that their children are an immeasurable source of joy and love in their lives. I see that, and I have to admit, it makes me think I would enjoy parenting. But I also see that children are a source of worry and concern and that my parent friends don't have the time, money or energy for travel and painting and yoga and all the things I love. So, I think both answers have benefits and losses (like anything in life).

People who are being buttinskis are probably just failing at communicating their overall contentment with the choices they made. Although sometimes I think they may also be failing at communicating their regret about choices they didn't make. :(


So many good points in this! I do sometimes think, "wow, it would be cool to have offspring," but then I think, "good Lard, look at the state of the world" or whatever and tons of other things. I want to travel and do so many things still... Pros and cons. Right now and no time soon, no kids.


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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:49 pm 
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I've never really wanted kids. If one ended up on my doorstep and there was no one else to raise it, I could do it. I know I'd be a great mom. But... I still don't want kids. It's lovely when you tell people this and they say "yeah, I can see that about you." What? Makes me want to say "Oh, I see you have kids. Yeah, not the best fit for you." !!!

There is one woman I know who thinks that people who have children are more "valuable" than people who don't. Like "So and so died, and she had 2 small children! So tragic!" or "So and so died, well, at least she didn't have any children. *next topic*" Sometimes I'm convinced she has no idea how here words sound then they come our of her *blankity blank blank* mouth.

I'd rather have 7 dogs and 5 cats and a pig. To each their own, I guess.


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 Post subject: Re: Can we bring back a posi child-free support thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:55 pm 
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You know, I think everyone gets this kind of stuff regardless. People will always find a way to butt into your life. What I mean is...I have one child, I don't want any more children. But I get it all the time, "Oh you'll change your mind" kinda garbage. Yeah thanks, you don't know me. I don't want another kid, get over it!

My mother-in-law takes it to a whole new level of annoying, but let's not go there.

And my friend recently had twins. Everyone assumes "Oh so you're all done now!" cause she has two kids (and apparently this is the time society wants you to be "done" having kids). But she wants more. Doesn't matter to people, they'll always say junk. Always.

Ugh, PEOPLE!!!!

So, I know where you're coming from, from a slightly different perspective.

I love my son more than anything, but at the same time, I can't blame anyone for not wanting to have kids!!

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