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 Post subject: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:45 pm 
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Dr Bronners, MD
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Because mine is getting on my nerves right now. Both of my parents tend to go through these phases where they want to make me and my siblings the go between. I'm really forking fed up with it. It feels like they are trying to extend the shitty childhood I had into adulthood.

The latest is that my dad sent an email about how he's trying to mend things with my mom since the divorce and she's no longer responding. What's more infuriating is that I told them two years ago that I'm going to ignore anything said to me about the other parent.

Now my brother is trying to guilt me into calling my dad because "Nobody ever calls him." bullshiitake. I sent an email to everybody two weeks ago. Also, the phone works two ways. Also, there's not much to say besides my usual "I hate it here, and I still can't get a job."

So...anybody else have to deal with parents not respecting your boundaries? Also, thanks for letting me vent.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:50 pm 
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It's not too early as long as it's not too early to complain about the in-laws. :lol:

I'm sorry Mo that you're having such a problem with your family.


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:51 pm 
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I hear ya. My mom makes me listen to her bisque about my dad not sending her money, and about my brother who I don't even talk to. yeah, my family is forked up.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:53 pm 
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Definitely not! Sorry Mo.

My Dad only calls me when he wants to complain about my stepmother. And then I get upset for him and stew in it for weeks, while he goes ahead and makes up with her (and never tells me about it). So now I no longer allow him to talk about it and he just doesn't call any more. It sucks being the go-between or the sounding board, because in both cases, you're absorbing the crepe and preventing them from actually communicating with one another.

So I feel your pain, and I am sorry you're frustrated by it. You're definitely not alone.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:53 pm 
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Is it ever to early to complain about family?

Not parents, but my sister thinks boundaries are only for states. I had extremely limit my contact with her. It really did help me feel like I could work on my relationships with the people who could respect me.

All you can do is stand your ground and keep repeating your rules. Hang in there.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:01 pm 
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I don't think it's too early to complain about family. Too bad your parents haven't realized you're not going to respond when they ask you about the other parent. I think it seems pretty clear that you don't want to get involved with that mess.

I can't really relate to what you're going through, since my dad's got 6 other kids to worry about besides me. When he does want to talk to me, I usually, yet unintentionally freak him out about vegan stuff or ultra political things...


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:03 pm 
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Dr Bronners, MD
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The Evil One wrote:
It's not too early as long as it's not too early to complain about the in-laws.

I absolutely adore my in-laws! They are really nice people and very accepting and loving. So I lucked out I guess.

My family is okay most of the time and I love them dearly. They just know how to push buttons that nobody else can push. Isn't that always the way? Haha.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:06 pm 
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It's never too early.

I feel like my mom just calls to unload all of her crepe on me, and doesn't care about how stressful my life is. I usually do chores when I'm on the phone with her because it's a one way conversation, anyway. If I actually listened, it would just be an emotional drag.

Your parents definitely shouldn't put you in the middle. They should do what any respectable divorced couple does, and pretend the other doesn't exist.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:20 pm 
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designedtobekind wrote:
It's never too early.

I feel like my mom just calls to unload all of her crepe on me, and doesn't care about how stressful my life is. I usually do chores when I'm on the phone with her because it's a one way conversation, anyway. If I actually listened, it would just be an emotional drag.

Your parents definitely shouldn't put you in the middle. They should do what any respectable divorced couple does, and pretend the other doesn't exist.


Ha! I think we have the same mother!

Mine does care though, she just doesn't draw breath long enough to think about it too much, she's surrounded with so much stress herself, bless her.


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:21 pm 
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In-laws.. oy.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:25 pm 
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My parents actually try to put me in the middle of their crepe with my sister. It makes me nuts because it's so inappropriate and I tell them so all the time. Sorry Mo! Vent away!

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:33 pm 
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It's never too early. My problem with my family at the moment is more to do with my aunt (my father's side of the family) - she's such a meddler and is super-nosey. She tried to guilt my mother into forcing me to come along to an upcoming family reunion. She actually said "just force her to come", and then decided to bring her husband into it - apparently he thinks I should come too. Like I give a fork.

Oh yeah, my sister. I love her dearly, but she has an annoying tendency to be a complete bitchface sometimes. Ask her a question as simple as, "how was your day today?" at the wrong moment, and she'll throw a tantrum.


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:34 pm 
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It's very disheartening to see one's parents act like immature and petty people, especially when you are old enough to understand it. I'm sorry to hear that your parents are trying to force you into being their messenger. For a long time, my parents did that with me and my brother, but we were too young to grasp the mind games and passive aggressive behavior. Once I realized what was up, I let the two of them know, and hard. Tell them to cut the shiitake and approach each other civilly. You've got enough on your plate to eat from someone else's.

Unless you're still hungry. If then, by all means, please eat if your still hungry.

((hugs))

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:59 pm 
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I hear you Mo. I am sorry they do that!! Hugs!


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:06 pm 
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I seriously want an in-laws support group. Of the non-public fashion, cause...you never know.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:26 pm 
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HUGS!!!! Family can be so stressful, as if life isn't complicated enough.


mrsbadmouth wrote:
I seriously want an in-laws support group. Of the non-public fashion, cause...you never know.


I'm in!


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:35 pm 
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I'll take my in-laws over my own family any day of the week.

Sorry for family issues to everyone who has them.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:41 pm 
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mrsbadmouth wrote:
I seriously want an in-laws support group. Of the non-public fashion, cause...you never know.


this! please.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:22 pm 
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i complained about this on twitter, but i'll throw it in here as well.

my mom is super pissed that i am spending thanksgiving with michael's family instead of at home. i also told her that i wanted to stay home (in NJ) for christmas because my dad and stepmom are home this year (her family is from kentucky and they alternate which years they are at home vs. which years they are there - this year it's a thanksgiving in KY, christmas in NJ year - last year it was swapped). she sat in the living room and cried for an hour about it. what the fizzle? and she's now mad because "she has no choice" and has to stay home for christmas instead of visiting my grandmother. i told her she was welcome to do whatever she wanted but i was staying home. jesus.

and then she brought up how i have NEVER spent a holiday at home with family. which just isn't true. my ex and i used to split holidays into mornings with my family/dinners with his family. as in, christmas morning my parents would come over for breakfast/brunch and gift opening then we would go over to his family's house for christmas dinner. she would complain EVERY.EFFING.YEAR because i wasn't spending the entire day with her. i wouldn't have done that anyway because she drives me nuts!

ok, enough ranting.

now i'm all angry and stuff.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:52 pm 
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Sorry mo, I don't think it is to early if they are driving you nuts. Hugs to everyone in fact putting up with such crepe. I think I lucked out or am just oblivious to things.


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:16 pm 
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Heh, I was just wondering the same thing!

I'm sorry! I don't know when your parents divorced, but if you were an adult when they made the decision, I feel your pain.

My only advice is to actually go through on your threat and ignore it. Easier said than done, I know. I'm still trying to figured out a way to deal with family making lamesauce comments about either parent. It's inappropriate and awkward and a hard situation for everyone. For a society so used to divorce, you'd think we would all know how to respond to each other when dealing with it.

It's hard!

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:16 pm 
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geekywhitegirljoan wrote:
My parents actually try to put me in the middle of their crepe with my sister. It makes me nuts because it's so inappropriate and I tell them so all the time. Sorry Mo! Vent away!


Oh yeah, it's currently my job to save my pot head jobless brother because it's my fault he ended up this way.. I got bad grades and had a shaved head in 1997 after all.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 10:36 pm 
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Aw, I have no advice but I'm sorry you're going through this!

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:11 pm 
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I'm sorry you're having to deal with this mess!


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:54 pm 
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Thanks everybody for the stories and kind words. This thread was making me feel better until I got another email from my dad.

Also, I wanted to say that I am ignoring the things he's saying about my mother and won't address them at all. He just sent me an email saying the following:

1. He never asked my brother to contact me.
2. It's my job as a child to contact him, not the other way around (this from a man who spent 27 years dodging his mother's phone calls)
3. Basically, I need to get over what happened in my childhood and move on. (I don't even know why he brought that up)
4. The last part was him talking about my mom, so I just ignored it.

I'm so forking frustrated right now! It's ridiculous that I am made to feel crappy when I didn't do anything wrong. Now I've got to send back an email and try to control my emotions so I don't feel more stressed than I already do. I seriously feel like curling up into a ball and crying myself to sleep.

ETA: I just emailed him and it actually helped a lot.

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