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 Post subject: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 2:49 pm 
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My boyfriend says I am overacting but I feel hurt by certain people and I want your opinions as to what you would do and how I can not care/just move on.

The story: my boyfriend has a brother who is 3 years older than him. Him and his girlfriend bought a house last year about 15 minutes away...They have parties and everyone is invited (including friends of ours) but us. Over the weekend I spent the day cooking and cleaning, I went out of my way to decorate and cook yummy food...We invited them of course. Well, they showed up a hour late with Star Bucks and did not eat, this has happened a few times recently...

My boyfriend said I am overreacting...I am tired that my boyfriend's family is allowed to treat us however they want but I have to continue to be nice and if they show any note of niceness I have to be grateful. I am tired of being nice to people who cannot be nice back.

This weekend we are supposed to hang out again...I want to not do it. The following weekend I am throwing his 16 year old sister a party...she hugged everyone at the party but us (not to mention I took her back to school shopping and she eats here 2 times a week)...

I feel used. Maybe I am a big baby, I just feel really sad that I do nice things and they are just expected of me and then I get ignored.

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Last edited by missmuffcake on Tue Nov 02, 2010 3:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 3:06 pm 
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Regardless of how you should react (whatever that means), they're being jerks. They're inconsiderate, and if they weren't family would there be any question that they're rude and thoughtless?

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 3:08 pm 
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I feel like if he wants to have his family over, then he needs to cook/clean/invite. I think you are smart to stop putting yourself out there to get hurt. Maybe they don't know they are being hurtful, but that doesn't excuse their behavior.


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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 3:12 pm 
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Have you tried talking to them about how you feel? It might exacerbate the problem, because some people don't react well to calm discussions, but it may be worth the try. They might give a little more effort into being considerate.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 3:13 pm 
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Why do you have to do these things? Can't other people throw these guys parties? If they never eat anything, they're probably not enjoying themselves so much. I'd stop trying myself, but I'm a cut-ties happy bridge burner... and thus NOT the best example to follow.

Maybe they feel awkward eating your food that you've made because it's very clearly food you can eat (I know, it doesn't jive in my head but people have strange awkwardness points.) The 16 year old might feel obligated to hug people and dislike it? If she eats there twice a week, maybe she feels close enough to you guys not to hug you?

These feelings are NOT overreacting, but you might be doing one of those things we do when we're anxious and upset where you 'mind read' reasons into people's actions that aren't quite there. I'd do exactly the same thing in your situation. Most people would.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 3:14 pm 
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They're definitely being jerks. If I were in your shoes, I would take the high road and continue being a nice, awesome person and feel good about myself for doing so, while at the same time not unnecessarily overstretching myself and also make my husband pick up some of the work.

Are they weirded out by vegan food or think it's too much work for them to make? Could that part of the problem?


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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 3:15 pm 
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did you mean to say overreacting in your first sentence?

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 3:23 pm 
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I have found that it all depends on the partner's relationship with family.
are they snubbing HIM and you are collateral damage?
Or are they snubbing you, or both of you?

I agree he should be putting more into your get-togethers, even if it is all stuff you enjoy, he should be helping along the way.

With the 16 y-o, can you chat with her and see what she's thinking, or be diabolical and see if she will let you in on the family dynamic. Something like "do you know why the family doesn't like to eat here?"

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 3:37 pm 
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The reason the 16 year old gets a party is because she has only had 1 in her life....then she tells me last week her family is going to throw a party for her but she still wants me to throw one for her & her friends - no problem. Last night when my boyfriend was supposed to go pick her up for dinner he calls and says she is with the other brother...I thought she could have called and told us she was not coming over saving me some time making extra food...My boyfriend's excuse 'she is just a kid'...

I know the girlfriend is really picky and will not eat a lot of food...Fine but I think showing up to a dinner party with Star Bucks a hour late is rude...The brother actually ate a bit at the last minute and wanted more but at that time it was all gone...

We had a mini party at our house for my boyfriend's friend and invited the SIL/BIL since they are friend's of his too. It was supposed to be small, and when they started talking about friend's they wished they could have invited (since they missed the last party they threw - we were not invited) I just wanted to yell WHY NOT HAVE THE PARTY SOMEWHERE ELSE THEN!!!???!!!

I guess in the past it has been brought up why we are not invited...I guess it is because we are more reserved and do not go crazy over Rock Band...I am really shy in front of people when it comes to belting out songs...I don't mind watching though & cheering on.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 5:35 pm 
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My boyfriend just said that I do not need to invite the brother and his girlfriend over again when there is dinner or food since what they did is rude. I hope this sticks!

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 5:36 pm 
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You are doing nothing wrong. They are being jerks, whether they realize it or not. I don't think you are overreacting, but I do think your boyfriend is not taking you seriously. Tell him exactly what you told us, and do it calmly and rationally. Then inform him that you will no longer cook/entertain his family until he is ready to do something about it. It might help if you too can get a mediator that you both trust and that will not take sides on the matter so you guys can talk this out.

All and all, your feelings need to be taken seriously, and no one deserves to be walked over.

ETA: I am glad he is agreeing to do something about it. :-)

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Last edited by AutumnLeaves on Tue Nov 02, 2010 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 5:37 pm 
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Families are weird. Maybe his is the type to take each other for granted and not worry about social niceties - my family is kind of like this and sometimes people who don't know us are weirded out by it. My husband has known me for 20 years and still thinks it's odd how my mom and I will call each other to ask one question and then not even say goodbye before we hang up the phone.

You definitely don't need to invite them over and continue to try to bend over backward for them, but I don't think you need to take it to heart, either. It probably is not about you.


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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 6:59 pm 
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Nickalya wrote:
I'd stop trying myself, but I'm a cut-ties happy bridge burner... and thus NOT the best example to follow.

This is me! I have no wisdom for you on this. If I go out of my way for people and they don't respect me then fork them. Not worth my time or effort.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 7:10 pm 
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I am usually the peace-bringer in my family, but I wouldn't stand for this shiitake.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 7:19 pm 
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With the sixteen y. o., yeah she's just a kid but that doesn't mean she should get away with being rude. It means you can cut her a little slack but if you don't point it out how will she learn? Obviously the rest of her family aren't going to be positive etiquette role models.


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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 7:19 pm 
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RandiJM wrote:
I am usually the peace-bringer in my family, but I wouldn't stand for this shiitake.

I second this. If they invite everyone except you, and STILL dare to be dickheads when you invite them over, then fork 'em. They're putting absolutely no effort into being a part of your life, so I don't see why you should.

And you're not overreacting. I find that a rather condescending thing for your boyfriend to say. Of course I don't know nearly enough to judge everything, but from what I do know, this is my opinion.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 8:19 pm 
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Why does your boyfriend get a pass for excusing their shiitake? I say he's a huge part of the problem.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 8:33 pm 
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I'm a big fan of making excuses for people, so I'm hoping they just don't realize how awful they're being, and thus cast my vote with Niev. I'd maybe ask them if there's a particular kind of food they're avoiding, or you could be even more direct and say that it hurts you when they show up so late to an event that you invited them to.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 8:40 pm 
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Vantine wrote:
Why does your boyfriend get a pass for excusing their shiitake? I say he's a huge part of the problem.


yeah really.


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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 9:06 pm 
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missmuffcake wrote:
I am tired of being nice to people who cannot be nice back.


Sweetie, I hear you. My whole family can be like this... and I really, really hear you. Big internet hugs.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 9:42 pm 
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Vantine wrote:
Why does your boyfriend get a pass for excusing their shiitake? I say he's a huge part of the problem.



He does not, that is why I kept bringing it up until he stated they are not invited over again for food. I understand it is his family but I am his partner and I want respect, I hope he gets that now.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 10:40 pm 
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I'd be upset too.


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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 8:06 am 
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Abelskiver wrote:
With the sixteen y. o., yeah she's just a kid but that doesn't mean she should get away with being rude. It means you can cut her a little slack but if you don't point it out how will she learn? Obviously the rest of her family aren't going to be positive etiquette role models.


Agreed. Kids that age don't always have enough experience to realize why that is rude, and many of them have to have these things explained to them explicitly. Just say to her that next time she's going to skip dinner or be late to call herself because you have to change your plans.

The rest are being jerks and so I have even more sympathy for the kid, if this is what she's learning.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:34 am 
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It sounds to me like you're too nice to them and they are taking advantage of that. Because you have to interact with them for a long time to come, you should still be nice to your in-laws, but you don't have to do anything more than that. So I say be nice, that is, be cordial and polite in conversations, but don't do anything for them. You aren't obligated to plan parties or make meals or go out of your way for them, especially because they have made it clear that they don't appreciate it.

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 Post subject: Re: I need to rant & I need advice
PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 1:18 pm 
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I would be upset too-I hope what your boyfriend said sticks. You are being nice, and they are being rude. I'm so sorry!


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