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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 4:31 pm 
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For the third time I went to see someone at the university counseling center today. The first time I walked up and down the stairs three or four times before I got through the door but completed an intake appointment but bailed on the actual appointments (that didn't happen until a month later). The second time I got halfway through the intake (computerized). This time I didn't have to do the first part, just fill out a form and I almost bailed before finishing it but didn't. There was a really long wait but I was going to stick it out. I keep having panic attacks (I've dealt with anxiety since I was in kindergarten, I'm 21, but I haven't had regular panic attacks for five or so years) and my general anxiety level has skyrocketed plus waves of depression that go lower than they have in a long time. I had a (non-psychological) medical diagnosis recently that has completely thrown my life for a loop that precipitated the worsening of all this.

I sat in the waiting rooms with two people who were only there for disciplinary action-required alcohol counseling and were chatting and a sad looking kid. I sat there totally on edge for a while until I heard the voice of a girl I know at the desk. I freaked out and bailed. I thought there was a door on the other end of the hallway but there wasn't so I ended up basically running past her and freaking out the whole way home.
I really don't know what to do. The process of seeking help is so anxiety-inducing that I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere with it. They probably think I'm a flaky weirdo at this point. Even if I had seen someone today I wouldn't have heard from a counselor/psychologist until January most likely.
I've gotten to the point where I'm isolating myself because the thought of going out scares the crepe out of me. I had to leave the library the other day because I couldn't stop freaking out about whether or not the people around me were bothered by the fact that I accidentally was sort of heavy handed with my perfume. I was so worried I couldn't focus. I can't leave the house on time because I'll find something about my appearance that stresses me out and have to try to fix it. I really don't know what to do.
I oscillate between being almost okay, not being able to get out of bed, and waves of anxiety that make me feel crazy. I don't know how much more tolerance I can expect from my friends so I keep trying not to talk about it but then sort of just freak out and blubber and cry because I feel so alone. Christ I feel forking looney.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 4:48 pm 
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Big hugs, Dandelion! I'm shocked that the process for seeing someone is so drawn out! I just called my student mental health center and they set me up with an appointment at a specific time. No stressing out with intake forms and waiting rooms. I know this probably seems really hard right now, but can you call and explain that you really need to someone but that your anxiety is stopping you from being able to wait around for them? Alternatively, can they refer you to someone off campus who can see you before January? It seems really irresponsible that they would be turning away people with mental health needs that are in need of more urgent attention! My guess is that if they understand the situation they will try to be more accommodating.

Just don't give up on getting help no matter how scary it is! There are people who can help, even if it is a scary process to get there! And you're definitely not alone. At least not online. I've been having the worst time getting anywhere on time because I freak out about my IBS flaring up and it turns into some terrible OCD thing. But I'm working on it. And I know it will get better again with time (even if it doesn't always seem like it...). Hang in there!


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 12:12 pm 
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I nearly had a panic attack today. I'm not really sure what set it off, but I have been quite stressed recently.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 4:05 pm 
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Today is my birthday*, and thanks to the horrible relationship between Brian's mom and us, I have been dreading it for weeks. Every time the phone rings, I want to throw up. Also, after last year where everyone jumped up my asparagus to do something SPECIAL for my 30th, then shooting down everything I wanted to do, then making fun of me for not doing anything, I am getting ignored this year. And obviously, I can decide which is worse. Cause like, I HATE being bugged with, "What do you want, what do you want to do?" over and over. My father-in-law has figured me out though, he just buys stuff off of my wishlist and is like 'OPEN YOUR forking PRESENTS NOW'. And that is the end of it. But I don't even want to talk to anyone because I don't want to admit that i'm doing nothing for my birthday. It's one of those things where I can't win, there is no balance, and I can't breathe.

*P.S. Please don't take this as me trying to get everyone to wish me happy birthday.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 4:48 pm 
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Sorry MBM, that sounds really terrible. I hope you can breathe again soon <3 <3 <3

ps. Happy Birthday!

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 4:51 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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i dont really get birthdays. i usually just go to my townie bar and if friends feel like stopping by, cool. i HATE presents though. its never a gift, its an obligation. oh and i eat. a lot. once i went out to eat like 4 different times, i was so full. can you and brian just get dinner and maybe see a movie?


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 5:07 pm 
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It is awful, but I fully admit that it's mostly a self-inflicted problem because I am not assertive enough to explain to people why I am being such a weirdo about it. I can count the amount of birthday parties i've had in my life on less than one hand, it's never something i've done, so the pressure to suddenly make a big forking deal out of it really made me upset last year. Finally, I relented and came up with a few things (all-vegan potluck, the haunted hayride that happens every year but I am 12 and love it), and no one wanted to do them. So I didn't see the point in doing anything.

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The tree is his penis // it's very exciting // when held up to his mouth // the lights are all lighting // his eyes start a-bulging // in unbridled glee // the tree is his penis // its beauty, effulgent -amandabear


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 5:19 pm 
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Uuurgh, sorry MBM. I've spent my last 3 birthdays with 'random people off the internet', aka PPKers, which was the only thing that made them bearable-- mostly due to them being random meet-ups rather than the pressure-cooker of torment that can be birthday-focused crepe. I hope you can at least have a nice weekend with Brian <3

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 5:40 pm 
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Yeah, we don't normally do anything for mine either. This year I hope to shoot a human being out of my lady canon though, so that should be fun.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 5:56 pm 
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MBM, I totally feel ya, darlin. We have a lot in common it seems. I'm really weird about birthdays, too. I have had too many bad birthdays to count, and so now I like having the day pass without any fuss. It has nothing to do with getting older, I actually LIKE getting older, it's just...birthdays are the worst. Every year is a reminder of how forked up my family is and me getting let down in some way, so fork that.

My anxiety is shooting out my ears, nose, mouth and asparagus lately. That is, to say, I'm full of it. It's bad enough when I feel anxious for no reason and life is good, but life is really forking scary and everything is very uncertain and I'm almost numb from being so anxious for so long.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 6:38 pm 
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Adding my vote to the birthdays suck motion. I inevitably end up really disappointed and crying in the bathroom. I'd say 3 out of 4 birthdays after the age of 10 have ended that way for me.

I need to face my train anxiety this weekend. It's really not a big deal and it will be fine. I just wish I could stop having flashbacks to the times when I've had panic attacks on the train and felt terrible. Can you give yourself ptsd? I mean... jeez.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 7:13 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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mrsbadmouth wrote:
It is awful, but I fully admit that it's mostly a self-inflicted problem because I am not assertive enough to explain to people why I am being such a weirdo about it. I can count the amount of birthday parties i've had in my life on less than one hand, it's never something i've done, so the pressure to suddenly make a big forking deal out of it really made me upset last year. Finally, I relented and came up with a few things (all-vegan potluck, the haunted hayride that happens every year but I am 12 and love it), and no one wanted to do them. So I didn't see the point in doing anything.

i would 100% come to that birthday party. at least the hayride!


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 10:15 am 
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You guys, my husband's OCD/anxiety has gotten so bad. He won't touch me. He's terrified that he's going to get some horrible disease from me. This is absolutely killing both of us. I really don't know what to do. He finally got ahold of a counselor, and is seeing her for the first time next Thursday. His doctor has upped his medication three times this month, and has added another one that's supposed to "boost" its effectiveness (I don't know the names, but I can find out), but I'm not seeing much change at all. I'm really freaked out.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 11:01 pm 
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I worry too much. I can't stop and it annoys the heck out of my husband. HELP?!

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:33 am 
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flavabean wrote:
You guys, my husband's OCD/anxiety has gotten so bad. He won't touch me. He's terrified that he's going to get some horrible disease from me. This is absolutely killing both of us. I really don't know what to do. He finally got ahold of a counselor, and is seeing her for the first time next Thursday. His doctor has upped his medication three times this month, and has added another one that's supposed to "boost" its effectiveness (I don't know the names, but I can find out), but I'm not seeing much change at all. I'm really freaked out.

if theres any way at all your family can swing inpatient, DO IT. he needs it. this is severe. but theres hope! people can and do recover from severe OCD. but take the pressure off yourself right now, youre not going to be able to fix this--trained counselors have to take over.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 9:04 am 
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You may also want to see about finding a therapist for yourself just so you can safe space to unburden yourself about all this without feeling bad, plus they might have some good advice on dealing with the situation.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:45 am 
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Ah, and things had been going so well. I came home to what i can only call a Harry-Potter-style "howler" complaint about a translation that I thought I did well, and I swear, in one second I felt my guts turn to ice water. Now I am going to have to spend the day pretending to be tough while wondering how i am going to get through the next hour. What the hell is the matter with me that my skin has turned from carapace to tissue paper?????

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 6:38 am 
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Seagull of the PPK
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so, i made it through the day. made myself go and exercise, forced my hands to make tea, forced one foot in front of the other, etc. Managed to sleep for a few hours last night til i woke up with what feels like a torn muscle on one side of my neck. I am going to have to go see the acupuncturist, i think. dear body, dear psyche, can you all just calm the fork down????

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:31 pm 
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aaaargh, three days at a conference has left me covered in hives! I've had chronic hives since I was 15, but stress is a trigger and I'm trying really hard to not itch my legs off right now. Usually they go back to normal (for me) the day after I bring my anxiety levels back down. So here's to that at least.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:12 pm 
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Bathes in Braggs
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Thanks for all the support, you guys. My husband had a breakdown at our family doctor's, who

He had his first appointment with his therapist on Thursday, and it went really well. He felt comfortable with her and was able to open up (something he was really, well, anxious about.) He's going once a week for the time being.

One thing that came out of it is making me feel pretty down though. She believes his OCD started when we first got serious college. I was his first girlfriend, while I had dated regularly. Although I always kept up with testing and all, he's always felt like I'm a bit... dirty. I feel like I'm disgusting him or something. This has really gotten me down, and obviously I don't want to unload on him becuase I don't want to make him feel bad, but I really don't feel like this is my fault at all. His therapist wants me to create a "dating timeline" for him, so he can see it and perhaps feel some closure (seriously, we're not talking about an overambundance of people here, maybe five guys and one girl? And that's just dating, not actually sleeping together - he was my first on that.)

He does seem to be handling the world a lot better after being on meds for about three weeks, but he's still coming home every night pretty mopey. I have to do a lot to get him to open up and talk about his day. I'm also taking on a much larger amount of the household chores because he doesn't feel motivated (which I totally understand from my PPD days), but dear Lard I think I'm getting close to my breaking point. I'm starting to think that I should go back to my therapist, because this is all getting me back down! I just want us to be happy and normal again.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 8:05 pm 
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Seagull of the PPK
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cripes. Flavabean, I am glad he has gotten some help, and glad the therapist is trying to create a closure process for him, but damn, could it be a little more judgmental?
Is there a possibility for you to see your therapist, if only sporadically? You're in a hard situation, not only as the caregiver for a person who is fragile, but also as a person who is carrying a lot of responsibility/guilt (not of your own consideration but from the circumstances, from what it sounds like). I wish I could make you a big cup of watermelonade and you could sit on my porch with the guinea pigs for a while and take a break.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 8:23 pm 
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Bathes in Braggs
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I just realized that I really messed up writing that above post - basically I was just going to say that our family doctor offered the idea of him being admitted to a facility and he totally broke down about that idea. But once she discovered that he has absolutely no intentions on harming himself (that's at least a relief), she felt comfortable not forcing the matter.

The idea of the timeline is absolutely ridiculous, in my opinion. And I had abusive relationships in the past (Nate did tell his therapist this), so I have to go back to my crappy shitty memories to make him feel better? I feel like the end result of any of this is to make me feel absolutely miserable to make him happy, and that doesn't seem right. I want my husband to get better, but I think there are other ways to do it besides making me some sort of sexual scapegoat.

I'm going to call my therapist tomorrow and see what she thinks about this whole shiitake pile.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 08, 2011 12:45 am 
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Eek! Yes, helping him heal should not be at your expense. I hope there is another way to improve his situation.

We are having a party tomorrow and I'm freaking out. I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea. Actually I do know, the cycle goes like this: feel depressed and lonely, make a bunch of plans with friends, feel massive anxiety about said plans, bail out on friends, feel even more depressed and lonely. Oh and add emotional eating into the mix which only makes things worse. But now I can't cancel the thing since my husband has invited all his friends which is good since I'll get to have human interaction but is bad since now I won't sleep all night thinking about what a mess I'll make of this event and how by the end of the night everyone will hate me because my house is not clean enough and I didn't make enough dip.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 11:27 am 
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The party went ok, I didn't have fun and I don't think I pissed off too many people but it was still an anxiety filled experience.

I'm thinking maybe I should just wait until my friends ask me to do things instead of asking them, because if I invite them I'm never sure they really want to spend time with me. But then I don't want to get all lonely and isolated. What do you guys think?


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:40 pm 
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Abelskiver wrote:
The party went ok, I didn't have fun and I don't think I pissed off too many people but it was still an anxiety filled experience.

I'm thinking maybe I should just wait until my friends ask me to do things instead of asking them, because if I invite them I'm never sure they really want to spend time with me. But then I don't want to get all lonely and isolated. What do you guys think?

I've been taught that this is our crazy talking. Our brains are gettin all mis-wired and telling us our friends dont want to spend time with us. But read that again. We both just typed the word friend, which should indicate they do indeed want to see us. It took me a long time to learn that a "normal" person who doesnt get a phone call on a friday night just thinks oh, noone called tonight. But someone like me (and it sounds like maybe you too), will think omg no one likes me i have no friends waaaah!
So PLEASE dont stop inviting them. Unless youre taking out your problems on your friends and they have a reason to not want to be around you, they want to be around you. If you stop calling, you will find yourself being cut off and that will make everything worse. Fake it till you make it! Sometimes. Sometimes we're still allowed to be shut-ins.


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