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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 4:50 am 
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Kelly wrote:
mrsbadmouth wrote:
I seriously want an in-laws support group. Of the non-public fashion, cause...you never know.


this! please.


I'll be in on that too!


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:02 am 
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esme wrote:
i complained about this on twitter, but i'll throw it in here as well.

my mom is super pissed that i am spending thanksgiving with michael's family instead of at home. i also told her that i wanted to stay home (in NJ) for christmas because my dad and stepmom are home this year (her family is from kentucky and they alternate which years they are at home vs. which years they are there - this year it's a thanksgiving in KY, christmas in NJ year - last year it was swapped). she sat in the living room and cried for an hour about it. what the fizzle? and she's now mad because "she has no choice" and has to stay home for christmas instead of visiting my grandmother. i told her she was welcome to do whatever she wanted but i was staying home. jesus.

and then she brought up how i have NEVER spent a holiday at home with family. which just isn't true. my ex and i used to split holidays into mornings with my family/dinners with his family. as in, christmas morning my parents would come over for breakfast/brunch and gift opening then we would go over to his family's house for christmas dinner. she would complain EVERY.EFFING.YEAR because i wasn't spending the entire day with her. i wouldn't have done that anyway because she drives me nuts!

ok, enough ranting.

now i'm all angry and stuff.


My ex-husband and I used to do this every year. He didn't drive at the time so it was up to me to taxi us about. I was already ill then and after a couple of years realised that I was exhausting myself every Christmas to keep everyone else happy so I said no more! My mum was fine about it, she still has my brother's at Christmas but ex-MIL was offended because we were choosing to stay at home with each other. She said she would have found it easier if we were just going to my mum's for the whole day, what the fizzle?! I was pissed that she didn't recognise us as a family unit, just because we didn't have kids, pft.

We ignored all the mumbling when we were getting married and had our wedding exactly how we wanted it (parents, a couple of friends & no siblings). When you look around at everyone else you see that they all do exactly what they want so fork it, do what you want and let them suck it up.

I was much happier when I based my choices on what I wanted to do.


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:03 am 
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Sorry you're dealing with such BS, Mo. I understand completely the whole issue of a parent who doesn't get the boundaries between parent and child- my mother is the same way. There's no easy solution...

Years ago I told my mother it wasn't appropriate for a mother to discuss negative things about her husband (and they're still married, to boot) with their children. She threw a mini-fit and told me she didn't want to ever hear me say anything about him then either, with no understanding that the scenarios are completely different.

One summer I decided I'd wait and not contact my mother to see how long it would take her to contact me. After a few months I gave up and rang her. My dad's the only one who ever calls. I only see them once or twice a year, so it's hurtful when a parent can't find some time to make contact.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:17 am 
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I'm dreading seeing my Mom over the holidays. We usually get lunch, she is a bigot and talks shiitake about my Dad. My Mom thinks they are separated though they live together / sleep apart but my Dad fails to knowledge any of it. I usually make her cry in the end by sucking her through the black hole of insanity she is in back to reality.

yay for the holidays, can't wait.


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:41 am 
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This thread is particularly apposite this week, because I've had some vexing family dealings of my own. My brother has long-standing issues with drugs and alcohol (and by long-standing I mean pretty much as far back as I can remember, since he's 12 years older than me). I watched him pollute my parents' life for years, and when I was pregnant with my first child, I realized that as the head of my own family, I could decide what my children were exposed to, and that level of ugliness was not on the menu. I didn't speak to him/let him know where I lived for a year, which our mother found painful, especially since my oldest brother was killed in an accident when I was 16, and it hurt her to have her children estranged. Over the years, he's gone through times of being clean & sober, but in recent years they've become fewer and farther between, and when he's using he is a serious Jekyll & Hyde character; there have been several periods when I've ceased all contact with him. After my father passed away a few years ago, he fell off the wagon rather spectacularly, which was particularly awful because my mother (who many of you know was already dealing with breast cancer) was grieving the man she'd loved since she was 15 years old. That was 3 years ago, and I didn't see or speak to him until the day after our mother died this June; he lives in another city, and had been in a program (again), which is all I knew. I tried to give him a chance, but he left her calling hours early, w/out even saying goodbye, and didn't show up for her funeral, ostensibly because he had to check in at his program and didn't have a car to get back here (as if any one of us wouldn't have driven to get him. bullshiitake). He did, however, start squatting at her apartment, and one day when my sister and I were packing things up for the Goodwill he was so drunk, abusive, and obnoxious that we called the cops, and asked the landlord to change the locks so he couldn't get in while we were getting the place emptied out (my eminently respectable British mother would have died of embarrassment, had she not already died of cancer).

I'll spare you the details of the filthy language, threats, etc., but suffice to say that was the last straw for me; I'm perfectly content to have no further relationship with him. I'm the executrix of her estate, and of course he's been Johnny on the Spot about when he's going to get his money, calling my sister, demanding to know when the will would be settled, etc. (questions she was unable to answer, because the probate system takes as long as it takes, you know...being a junkie who needs cash doesn't speed up the process). Everything was finally settled this week, and I wrote checks to the people my mother specified in her will. I called my brother to let him know, and - quelle surprise! - the guy who couldn't make it to his mother's funeral managed to find a way to get here that very day to collect his money, whereupon he merely looked at the check, folded it in half, and wondered aloud where he could cash it! My mother was by no means a wealthy woman, and she spent her entire life budgeting, so it was kind of a shock that she'd managed to save anything to leave us at all. I know that she must have gone without things in order to save that money, and the fact that, in my brother's mind, her effort was reduced - yet again - to nothing but a means to his own selfish ends makes me sick. At this point, I feel my promise to my mother has been kept, my duties have been discharged, and I never want to see or speak to that man again; the fact that we accidentally had the same parents in no way obliges me to remain in contact with a person for whom I feel nothing but distaste and contempt.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:51 am 
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1. It's never to early to complain about family

2. My parents separated when I was 5, divorced when I was 7. They used to bad mouth each other to me and I had to just yell at them to knock it off and tell them they were making me mad. To this day, when my mom peas me off, I say "mom, you're making me angry, I'm hanging up" and I hang up on her."

*hugs*

Don't they know you're Mo and you're awesome?

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:52 am 
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The Evil One wrote:
Kelly wrote:
mrsbadmouth wrote:
I seriously want an in-laws support group. Of the non-public fashion, cause...you never know.


this! please.


I'll be in on that too!


Samesies!

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:42 am 
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melisser wrote:
In-laws.. oy.

+1 and i am not even married yet.


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:43 am 
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Kelly wrote:
mrsbadmouth wrote:
I seriously want an in-laws support group. Of the non-public fashion, cause...you never know.


this! please.

yes, can we have a super secret non-public forum for this?


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:49 am 
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mrsbadmouth wrote:
I seriously want an in-laws support group. Of the non-public fashion, cause...you never know.


Or just a family support group that you can't access unless you sign up for an account so they can't find and troll on. I know SB had issues with that and my sister has confronted me with things I've said on here as well. She figured out my online name and then went through my posts.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 9:14 am 
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I really don't have that much to complain about with my parents. We get along and they're supportive of me - I can't really ask for more than that.

My grandparents are fine, but my uncle makes me want to rip my hair out at dinner usually. He likes to talk about how all religions other than Christianity are cults, how people need to be more patriotic, doesn't understand why Walmart is a bad company. . . the list goes on.

My in-laws are not in the country and are adorable, so I have no complaints there either.

However, my overall family thinks I'm the black sheep because I don't like the military and don't want to go to church. Yep, I'm horrible, right?

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:47 am 
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Tofulish wrote:
mrsbadmouth wrote:
I seriously want an in-laws support group. Of the non-public fashion, cause...you never know.


Or just a family support group that you can't access unless you sign up for an account so they can't find and troll on. I know SB had issues with that and my sister has confronted me with things I've said on here as well. She figured out my online name and then went through my posts.


No forking way, what a crasshole! Even sign in boards aren't safe, it's easy to sign up and lurk.


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:57 am 
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The Evil One wrote:
Kelly wrote:
mrsbadmouth wrote:
I seriously want an in-laws support group. Of the non-public fashion, cause...you never know.


this! please.


I'll be in on that too!




WANT. You guys, you don't even know. My in laws...I can't even.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:11 pm 
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My mother is always complaining that I don't respond to her emails, but that's just because I've kept to the boundaries I set up. I don't respond to any emails sent between 1AM and 7AM, because it just means she can't sleep and is awake and worrying. They're always angsty, the-world-is-ending emails, and I'm not going to enable it.

(Note. When we lived in the same house, she used to wake me up in the middle of the night to discuss these things. Yes, it's sad that there won't be any more polar bears, but can we talk about it in the morning?)


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:17 pm 
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I want to give everybody hugs so badly. Having problems with family is always the worst because there's almost this expectation that you have to work things out because you're blood related. I find that most people have endured shiitake from their family that they would never even think of taking from a friend or stranger.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:40 pm 
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MessyVeggie wrote:
One summer I decided I'd wait and not contact my mother to see how long it would take her to contact me. After a few months I gave up and rang her. My dad's the only one who ever calls. I only see them once or twice a year, so it's hurtful when a parent can't find some time to make contact.


If it makes you feel any better my parents have called me about 4 times since I moved out of home 9 years ago! We can easily go 6 months without speaking and they only live 25 minutes away.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:10 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
mrsbadmouth wrote:
I seriously want an in-laws support group. Of the non-public fashion, cause...you never know.


Or just a family support group that you can't access unless you sign up for an account so they can't find and troll on. I know SB had issues with that and my sister has confronted me with things I've said on here as well. She figured out my online name and then went through my posts.


I had a family member - who is not even vegan! - do that to me from postings on the ppk. I also have reporters regularly check my fb page and linked-in profile and actually complain that I don't post personal stuff.

Where, oh where, is a girl to vent?


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:02 pm 
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Private facebook group, anyone? A secret hidden forum probably isn't going to happen.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:10 am 
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jojo wrote:
MessyVeggie wrote:
One summer I decided I'd wait and not contact my mother to see how long it would take her to contact me. After a few months I gave up and rang her. My dad's the only one who ever calls. I only see them once or twice a year, so it's hurtful when a parent can't find some time to make contact.


If it makes you feel any better my parents have called me about 4 times since I moved out of home 9 years ago! We can easily go 6 months without speaking and they only live 25 minutes away.



My mother never calls either. Apparently, the phone in her apartment only receives calls and isn't able to make them (sarcasm). She only lives about 10 minutes away but I haven't seen her in over a year and can honestly say that, at this point, I really don't care anymore. It would take 30 posts to even begin to describe what she has done to me in my lifetime. I am now 44 (she is 64 but she acts and talks like she is 100 and going to die at any moment) and decided a few years ago that just because she gave birth to me didn't give her the right to make me miserable. She has absolutely no interest in my kids either. What kind of grandmother is like that?

We have a good relationship with my MIL and she treats much better than my own mother so, as far as I am concerned, she is my mother now.

Hugs to all in similar situations. It doesn't get any easier but I do think you are able to handle the situations better as you get older and realize that you can and should set up boundaries with toxic people and just because you were born into a family doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them.


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:26 am 
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Mo, you are awesome and strong. I am sorry you have to deal with such bullshiitake.

Lixa wrote:
The Evil One wrote:
Kelly wrote:
this! please.


I'll be in on that too!


WANT. You guys, you don't even know. My in laws...I can't even.


Times a million.

Tofulish wrote:
my sister has confronted me with things I've said on here as well. She figured out my online name and then went through my posts.


That is awful, Tofulish. I kinda fear it myself though.

LebaLu wrote:
I had a family member - who is not even vegan! - do that to me from postings on the ppk. I also have reporters regularly check my fb page and linked-in profile and actually complain that I don't post personal stuff.


They complain? Seriously? What is wrong with them?!


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:26 am 
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I forgot about this thread! An update: I am no longer speaking to my father. After he sent this chain of harassing emails to me, I just couldn't take it anymore. What's really forked is that I even tried to wipe the slate clean with my last email to him. I spent most of it asking how things were and updating him on my life. His response? He attacked me for not visiting his family when I drove to NYC in 2007. And he claimed I got pissed at my dead grandmother for a birthday card she sent me as a teenager (this never happened). So his email has been blocked and he can't find me on Facebook. I'm hoping I didn't post anything about the PPK anywhere because he is known to harass over the internet.

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:37 am 
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Sorry to hear about all of this, but atleast you have alot of support here :)

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:46 am 
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schauermom wrote:
We have a good relationship with my MIL and she treats much better than my own mother so, as far as I am concerned, she is my mother now.


this is pretty much my situation too.

but they were both at our baby shower, which made things kind of awkward. well, actually, the part that was awkward was my mom cornering my mother-in-law in the kitchen to tell her that this was HER grandbaby & my mother-in-law wasn't going to steal her like she stole me. because that makes perfect sense.


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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:04 am 
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I wanna punch everyone's family in the faces. What a load of shiitake.

I'm actually on pretty good terms with my parents (took a whole lot of mess and drama to get there, but I'm deeply thankful for how close of a relationship I have with both of them, and my stepmom), but my sister's in-laws are awful horrible conservative pains in my asparagus. They spend every holiday complaining about welfare queens and illegal immigrants and those filthy jerks who want healthcare and the Muslims that need to get out of our country.

And this year, my birthday falls on Thanksgiving, which means I kind of HAVE to go see my family and can't dodge attending the Thanksgiving festivities, which means I get to spend my birthday listening to them rant.

Oh yes, and as of this morning, I'm on unemployment AND I'm an atheist feminist vegan filthy lib'rul with piercings and tattoos and weird hair.

For my birthday, I intend to drink heavily! Yippee!

(Mind you, I realize my situation is pretty small-fries compared to most of you guys, but I just wanted to join in the venting, because this is not something I feel appropriate venting about to my sister, for example. I know she doesn't like listening to their ranting any more than I do, but it's her in-laws, no need to make her feel worse about the situation!)

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 Post subject: Re: Too Early to Complain About Family?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:52 am 
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Ugh.

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Last edited by Tofulish on Tue Oct 26, 2010 12:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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