The Depression Thread

torque · **Posted:** Thu Mar 22, 2012 7:35 am

jewbacca wrote:

I realized this is the time of year I cycle in depression, and it is close to my sobriety anniversary.

I hope you're feeling better. thought of you and the thread and a bunch of shiitake this morning when i woke up with the melancholia, misery, etc.
then remembered- dad's birthday tomorrow. mother's day soon behind. this shiitake sneaks up on me every year and after all this time i'm still surprised every time.
hang in there peeps.

pistachiorose · **Posted:** Thu Mar 22, 2012 9:12 am

DreamerSpirit wrote:

Jigglypuff wrote:

I should make a giant sign to put in my room that says "I FEEL LIKE shiitake WITHOUT MEDICATION." I tend to take them for a while, feel good, think "hey, see? I don't need these!", stop taking them, and then go completely downhill. I really need to stop doing this to myself!

I live with my partner, and I make him remind me that I need my meds, even if I feel okay. I've done the not taking my meds thing before, and it's terrible.

How can you guys suddenly stop taking your meds and still be able to function at all? It took me almost 5 months to go off mine, and each time I lowered the dosage I had to ride a wave of sadness/anxiety/irritability.

When I was about 13 and taking antidepressants for OCD, I went off them suddenly and it was not pretty. I don't remember the details though, just being a crying/laughing emotional mess.

Rowan · **Posted:** Thu Mar 22, 2012 10:49 pm

pistachiorose wrote:

How can you guys suddenly stop taking your meds and still be able to function at all? It took me almost 5 months to go off mine, and each time I lowered the dosage I had to ride a wave of sadness/anxiety/irritability.

When I was about 13 and taking antidepressants for OCD, I went off them suddenly and it was not pretty. I don't remember the details though, just being a crying/laughing emotional mess.

Add me to that club.....and no, its not pretty when you decide to dramatically stop all medication. My psychiatrist asked me a couple days ago why I don't take my psychiatric condition seriously.....and it was tough to hear but he's right- I don't.

I just....I really don't think I "deserve" to be depressed. I feel like I'm just being melodramatic and really just need to get over it.

I know....its not how I should be thinking....but I am. There are times I just want to scream at myself for being so stupid and weak and selfish.

Don't get me wrong- I'm doing my best to take care of myself, including medication compliance. If not for me then or those I care about.

Anyways, so much love to everyone <3

vijita · **Posted:** Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:28 pm

Rowan wrote:

.
I just....I really don't think I "deserve" to be depressed. I feel like I'm just being melodramatic and really just need to get over it.

No one is deserving of depression! It's not a trivial problem. I fear you won't be able to 'get over it' if you don't take it seriously. And I want you to be the wonderful, productive, thoughtful, caring person that you already are, but also be healthy and happy!

andi_vert · **Posted:** Sat Apr 14, 2012 2:05 pm

I'm tired of this shiitake. I don't know if I have anxiety or if it's just stress or if it's even some kind of depression. People keep telling me that it could be worse (I know) but I still feel like shiitake and the natural remedy my Dr. recommended isn't helping. I feel like I'm just overreacting. And reading stupid internet lists of symptoms just make me feel worse.

I'd tell you what's happening, but I don't know if it's okay. I don't want my comments to be 'triggering' or anything like that.

Tofulish · **Posted:** Sat Apr 14, 2012 2:19 pm

Rowan, your experience is as valid as anyone else's! I have a PTSD diagnosis, and I don't really tell anyone about it because I feel like the emotional abuse that got me there is so much less than what I think "deserves" PTSD - being in a war-zone, being subjected to physical violence, uncertainty and unsafety. I feel like I'd be laughed for claiming it, and I prefer to just call it anxiety, because like you, I don't feel like I deserve the diagnosis because I haven't suffered enough.

And we both intellectually that doesn't make sense. Your diagnosis is yours and they aren't "good," "bad" or "deserved or undeserved" they are just information on the challenges we face. And you'd be the first to explain that kindly and lovingly to someone who said that they didn't "deserve" something.

Rowan wrote:

There are times I just want to scream at myself for being so stupid and weak and selfish.

((((Hugs)))) That is such a hard place to be. Those words are never words that I associate with you. I think you're brave, loving, goofy, heroic, authentic, open, strong, brilliant and generous. Among many others, including "poops glitter."

Life is a lot nicer once you start being gentler with yourself. My counselor calls it parenting your inner child. If you wouldn't yell at Baby Rowan or any other kid that she is stupid, weak and selfish, then don't do it to yourself :)

And (((((((((((((((((((Hugs andi-vert!)))))))))))))) If you want to talk about it, perhaps you could put it under spoiler tags with a "trigger" warning?

xoxoxoxo thread inhabitants <3

torque · **Posted:** Mon Apr 16, 2012 6:49 am

oh it's the bad time of the year. i wonder if i can get through this year's discontent without causing any lasting damage.
and i thought helping my brother talk through his issues (our own anxiety and abuse as kids) would be no big deal.
noooooooooooot smart. not right now, anyway. trigger time + PMS + lots of home shiitake going on and this is not a good time.

Veg_Eric · **Joined:** Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:34 am **Posts:** 2230

choirqueer wrote:

No, we had this conversation a couple weeks ago, didn't we? I don't do any supplements. I just put nooch on forkin' everything. :)
...and what is this "leave in the morning" of which you speak? ;-)

Nooch is totally NOT a reliable source of b12.

Really, take a supplement.

pickledtreats · **Posted:** Wed Apr 18, 2012 11:05 pm

vijita wrote:

Rowan wrote:

.
I just....I really don't think I "deserve" to be depressed. I feel like I'm just being melodramatic and really just need to get over it.

No one is deserving of depression! It's not a trivial problem. I fear you won't be able to 'get over it' if you don't take it seriously. And I want you to be the wonderful, productive, thoughtful, caring person that you already are, but also be healthy and happy!

I'm on the self-hate, "get over yourself...you don't really have problems" road right now. It's a hard place to be because it makes you feel ashamed of any efforts to fix what's going on (therapy, medication, etc.). I'm trying to deal with it and ignore those thoughts. I know that having other people tell me "depression is serious...it's okay" doesn't really help. However, I will say please keep trying! Even if you feel stupid or dumb about it, just chalk all those things up to "the depression" and try to power through it. Hopefully on the other side is a mental state where you don't punish yourself for taking care of yourself.

pickledtreats · **Posted:** Wed Apr 18, 2012 11:09 pm

Veg_Eric wrote:

choirqueer wrote:

No, we had this conversation a couple weeks ago, didn't we? I don't do any supplements. I just put nooch on forkin' everything. :)
...and what is this "leave in the morning" of which you speak? ;-)

Nooch is totally NOT a reliable source of b12.

Really, take a supplement.

Truth, though sometimes I wonder if my supplement is even any good. I used to have a spray, but now I take a tablet.

I wonder if anyone else has this experience, but I find when I'm depressed that it is sooo hard to do simple things that I know will make me feel better. Like taking my vitamins (even though I don't feel anything, knowing I've done something feels good) and taking a hot shower. Those are simple things, but the simplest of actions seem so cumbersome and I avoid them. So, needless to say, you can imagine what my work/school work is like...I'm procrastinating like crazy.

How do you guys manage to push yourself to do those little things that you know are helpful or that will give you a little boost? I know I should go outside, even for a little walk, but I never do. Then I beat myself up and say "you know what would help, but you don't do it...that means you must like this." Grrr...

andi_vert · **Posted:** Wed Apr 18, 2012 11:57 pm

thanks tofulish <3
as per your suggestion, I'm putting this under a spoiler tag.

Spoiler: show

Well. I'm going back home in a month and I want to get help as soon as I get there but in the meantime, I don't know what to do : (
Doing things like trying to relax and paint my nails aren't helping anymore.
I'm sorry if my rant does not make much sense. My head isn't making sense right now, ha.
I just want to stop feeling miserable every freaking day even if my problems aren't that bad, well, they still manage to make me feel bad.

pistachiorose · **Posted:** Thu Apr 19, 2012 10:09 am

Hugs to everyone!

I know the whole procrastination thing all too well. It's dumb because the thing that makes me feel most down is lack of friends, but then I'm so bad at contacting people. It makes no sense but I can't explain.

Also, pms makes everything at least ten times worse. So glad to be finished with that as of today.

ndpittman · **Posted:** Thu Apr 19, 2012 10:15 am

Just wanted to throw out there that I'm similar in that I know if I got up, took a shower, put on clean clothes and actually went outside and did something, I know I'd feel better. But I don't know how to actually make myself do it. I managed to this past weekend, and it was really nice.

I wish I knew what the secret was; I'd share it with you all. I just try with all my might to actually leave the bed and take a shower.

(Also, I, too, feel silly when I think about my 'problems.' But I think as long as you can keep some semblance of relativity, it's OK. I like to acknowledge that depression and how I'm feeling is real, even if I don't have a 'reason' for feeling the way that I do.)

Rowan · **Posted:** Thu Apr 19, 2012 1:33 pm

Hi friends!

So on the bright side I am feeling better. I can manage the guilt a lot more easily.

Another silly mom fight. I feel like I constantly whine about her here, but I don't want to do so on the book of faces or something. I also feel like I'm being too hard on her.....and I also criticize myself for letting it get to me I'm an adult, dammit! It doesn't matter what she says or thinks.

So a couple nights ago we were talking on the phone. I tell her that I'm attending 2 social events....one being a movie screening for a group I'm involved with and the other is having my friends over for a potluck brunch. She then gets angry at me for not spending enough time working on my assignments. I tell her that I can't only work on papers for the month and that isolation contributes to my depression. She responds by saying I always leave things to the last minute and she thinks I'm doing it again. I tell her that I live alone and need the interaction.

Anyways, I've tried calling her a couple times since then and all I get is "what is it?" followed by monosyllabic responses. She's playing the game where she is really pissed off at me but refuses to talk about it or admit to the anger- apparently because I "fly off the handle" when she expresses it.

Anyways....I love her despite all this. I'm thankful for the many wonderful relationships I have in my life. I just wish the person who claims to love me more than anything would stop making me feel like I'm the worst daughter/person ever.

ninjablossom · **Posted:** Sun Apr 22, 2012 2:38 pm

ndpittman wrote:

Just wanted to throw out there that I'm similar in that I know if I got up, took a shower, put on clean clothes and actually went outside and did something, I know I'd feel better. But I don't know how to actually make myself do it. I managed to this past weekend, and it was really nice.

I wish I knew what the secret was; I'd share it with you all. I just try with all my might to actually leave the bed and take a shower.

I feel like this allot :(
I went to my GP last month after deciding that not getting out of bed and not showering for a weekend and bursting into tears was not normal. (I miss the Fridays I used to drink heavily so I could legitimately stay in bed with a hangover)

GP suggested counselling, which I'm trying to arrange and is harder than it should be over here (the GP referred counselling service involves a questionnaire assessment and a cheque payment, which no one uses anymore so getting a cheque book involves 10 days from the bank... seriously if I'm looking for counselling, who thinks that process is going to appeal, the questionnaire is bleuh enough :( ?)

Are most people on med's? what do the med's accomplish if you come off them at some point anyway? Is it a case of treating the symptoms with med's and sorting the root cause out and coming off med's? I always thought med's were to correct chemical imbalances. My GP was useless seriously so asking alot of questions....

Reggie · **Joined:** Sat Mar 24, 2012 2:17 pm **Posts:** 52

I am on meds for"generalized anxiety"/ depression. I tried about 4 different ones until I found one that worked. When I say "worked" it means my thought process was clearer instead of worse to indifferent.

All SRIs are NOT the same. My insurance said I had tr try the ones available generic first. They made me feel wooden, indifferent to horrible. They finally let me try the newer ones. OMG my mind was sooooo much clearer! I could think and process so much better! It is hard to use coping techniques when I can't keep two thoughts in my head!. And Yes, it has to do with brain chemistry. I am not nor have I been suicidal, but some of the drugs caused me to feel soo indifferent that I could see how it could happen. Stay intouch with your counselor/Dr. as you try different meds, and keep trying until you find one that helps you think more clearly. Once I found one, my ability to function, heal, and feel human increased exponentially. I can now at least USE my coping mechanisms!!!

It was definitely worth it. Counseling is still good, but it is hard to cope when I can't think!

ninjablossom · **Posted:** Sun Apr 22, 2012 4:00 pm

thanks for the response Reggie! My GP basically dismissed me, so any counselling I undertake will not go on my records. She had no interest in looking at my history, even though I told her my mother and brother suffer from depression (and possibly my sister, the black long left to never return sheep) and I had a really really bad episode at the age of 17 which is on my records. She dismissed it all and said it was life related and go for counselling.

Makes me so mad. My dad who had a 2 year un diagnosed illness, which we thought was cancer, got asked by his GP how he felt on one checkup and when my dad said 'well I'm a bit low, I'm ill and theres no solution' the GP prescribed depression med's there and then. Stupid, my dad was depressed due to his ongoing and un diagnosed illness which needed sorting, not actual depression. Would love to have been that GP when the fall out of that went down (my mom a local nurse went ballistic and she's not a woman you want to encounter angry!)
I explain an actual history of depression in the family (moms side) am worried about my own health and seek help and get shunted away.

I rant sorry, but It annoys me how people who ask for help in the medical world get pushed away because its a non physical illness, just because you can't see what's happening in the brain, doesn't make it any less real. Depression is just as disabling as a physical illness :(

kfad · **Posted:** Sun Apr 22, 2012 8:41 pm

Having a tough time. I can't tell if it is situational or what.

But there is a huge amount of stress in my world and I am not dealing well with it.

It doesn't help that I don't have anyone to talk to. At all. Or that I don't feel that I have any space to just breath.

I told someone that I didn't feel I had a safe space to just say what I needed to say... in an effort to get that space. It became about how I failed.

I just don't know.

bunniee · **Joined:** Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:31 pm **Posts:** 1435

ndpittman wrote:

Just wanted to throw out there that I'm similar in that I know if I got up, took a shower, put on clean clothes and actually went outside and did something, I know I'd feel better. But I don't know how to actually make myself do it. I managed to this past weekend, and it was really nice.

I wish I knew what the secret was; I'd share it with you all. I just try with all my might to actually leave the bed and take a shower.

(Also, I, too, feel silly when I think about my 'problems.' But I think as long as you can keep some semblance of relativity, it's OK. I like to acknowledge that depression and how I'm feeling is real, even if I don't have a 'reason' for feeling the way that I do.)

I tried to make myself go out of the house this morning. I was going to shop for hair dye and other beauty type stuff at Sally's and maybe go to Freebirds for a burrito. I got as far as driving to the neighborhood gas station. When I saw the line of cars, I turned around and went back home. I just couldn't deal with it.

assilembob · **Posted:** Sun Apr 22, 2012 10:09 pm

Hey guys I'm needing help finding a therapist. I don't know how to look for one. All I know is super dark stuff is happening in my head and my world is falling apart around me and I can't keep falling into this place.

In the past, I've found them through a school or because of a hospitalization. I haven't found anyone since moving to the area I live in now and could really use some help locating them.

Reggie · **Joined:** Sat Mar 24, 2012 2:17 pm **Posts:** 52

@ ninjablossom-- Find a new GP. It is hard for someone to relate who has not seen the transformation correct med dosing can accomplish. I tried homeopathic remedies also. I couldn't find a remedy that worked though. It is worth a try if you have access to an experienced homeopath. My partner is now a believer, since he has seen the drastic change I went through. There are Dr.s out there that know that meds plus counseling is effective. But remember it may take time to find the right medication and it can be an uncomfortable process, but it is worth it in the long run.

Sometimes there are groups that meet by region, Have your looked on the internet for depression support in your area? I found a 12 step program that wasn't just for alcoholics. The program was very helpful and the people were supportive. It was a group for recovery from self-destructive/self-limiting behaviors of various kinds.

Tofulish · **Posted:** Sun Apr 22, 2012 10:31 pm

(((((Hugs assilembob)))) Do you know anyone in your area who really likes their therapist? Your MD might be able to recommend someone too.

When I was looking for mine, I got a list of the ones in my area who took my insurance and called them to see (1) what therapeutic approach they took, (2) how they would deal with what I thought my issues were. It was a good no-cost triage, and I ended up really liking my therapist, fwiw.

ninjablossom · **Posted:** Mon Apr 23, 2012 6:24 pm

assilembob wrote:

Hey guys I'm needing help finding a therapist. I don't know how to look for one. All I know is super dark stuff is happening in my head and my world is falling apart around me and I can't keep falling into this place.

In the past, I've found them through a school or because of a hospitalization. I haven't found anyone since moving to the area I live in now and could really use some help locating them.

Hi, I'm not sure how it works your side of the pond, but I googled. There is recognised board that therapists/counsellors have to be registered with in the UK and I did some searching and spoke to one and have my first session tomorrow. Maybe some local area forums or health forums might bring up some results. Or a mental health charity might have some recommendations even if your not going through the charity... good luck :)

Kiddo · **Posted:** Tue Apr 24, 2012 11:39 am

Assilembob:
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/r ... search.php

^it has profiles on therapists/their styles, you can search by insurance and their specialties, etc. Good luck, you'll find someone!

flavabean · **Joined:** Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:48 pm **Posts:** 1334

Having a pretty crummy week. Husband and I had a big fight last week, and it really brought back some major depression patterns I've dealt with in the past. I had so many fun things to do on Saturday, and instead I just stayed in bed the whole freggin day. I got up once to make dinner, and instead I ended up yelling at my 2-year-old son because he threw a ton of food in the trash (food wasting is such a trigger for me). Things are slowly getting better between the two of us, but that cloud is still hanging over me. I'm so scared to go down that road again. Had a session with my counselor this morning, and all I did was cry. She mentioned the "D" word once, and I just broke down harder. Why do horrible things happen just when things are beginning to look up?

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