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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2012 7:23 pm 
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Remembers When Veganism Was Cool
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Location: In some dumb hotel in an equally dumb town...or in San Diego
I deal with some giant companies CEOs/VPs/CFOs/ect who are giant forking crassholes and get their asparagi slathered by their handlers nonstop. Its disgusting and I have nothing but contempt for their handlers wretched lives.

One of the producers of Seinfeld/Sopranos in particular treated his assistant who was a giant sweetheart like shiitake. It was so degrading that if it had been directed at me or someone I cared for I would have decked the forker. Of course he was all Mr Charming and a kiss asparagus to the people backstage because he cant bully them and we can make him look like shiitake. I wouldnt peas on that piece of shiitake if he was on fire.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2012 7:28 pm 
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god libraries sure do bring out the VSPs. i worked out of one for a few years and hung out with the directors and the porn policy definitely caused us to rethink EVERYTHING.
I used to bring my dog to work (my office was not in the public area but on the way in and out the public saw the dog. Well behaved dogs were allowed in the library back then...) and there was a man with a yappy little wiener dog that always loved to see my dog. He had several small mice in his pockets at all times, which was a bit weird. But he was awesome compared with the woman who saw us and began shrieking that the hounds of hell had come for her, save her save her, she was going to burn in hell. My whippet and the wiener dog are the absolute worst hound-of-hell flunkies you could ever imagine, and my library director had to be sent outside til she stopped yelping with laughter.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2012 8:22 pm 
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My friend also works in a library, and boy does she have some stories!
Here is one: On cold days, the homeless congrgate in the library to warm up. (Which I always found amazing because it is in one of the swankier neighborhoods). One winter, a homeless man and a homeless women parked their shopping carts outside and went in. Not soon after, they were parking their carts alongside one another, because they had fallen in love! <3

She works in the children's department. Good golly. That is all.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 5:17 am 
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bastah wrote:
I work in a library, so I get plenty of these, as you know.

At one library, I was working at the Welcome desk (where we just stood and greeted people as they entered the library, as well as directing them to which part of the library they needed). There was a slot in the desk which was a book return, with a sign saying what it was. A woman came in saying that she had an appointment with XX. I didn't know who that was, so I looked through the staff directory and still couldn't find the person. I asked what the appointment was about and she said "she's doing my nails." "Excuse me?" "Isn't this a nail salon?" Umm...

At that same library, we had a patron who we called "the Sheriff." He dressed like a cowboy and in his gun holster, he had a flashlight. He used to run for mayor every year, because he believed that people should be allowed to swim in swimming pools for free.

That library didn't have a porn policy. Anyway, no one gets paid after closing time in libraries, so we appreciate it when you leave by the time we close. One guy would not leave. Soon five of us were gathered around him telling him that he needed to get out. He was looking at porn, and we all could obviously see what he was looking at. He still kept looking at porn and was completely ignoring us.

I've talked about this one on here before. At this library, we had long rows of dim stacks, which got little foot traffic. We kept finding books that were sitting out that had ejaculate in them. One morning he was finally caught in the act (masturbating in the library, so that he could leave his gift in a book). While being arrested, he asked if we could call his work to let them know that he wouldn't be coming in (he worked in a DELI. I don't want to know what gifts he left there).

One library I currently work in used to be a funeral home (the teen section was the embalming room--not relevant to this story, but it amuses me and I enjoy telling people who know what the library used to be). One day, a man walked in wearing a suit and was very confused. He was there for his father's funeral. Strange though since the renovation probably took a couple years.

I could go on forever, so I've only told the ones that are the most bizarre. If I think of anymore this bizarre, I'll post! Tomorrow is a new day, so we'll see if I get to add to this then. May I just say that I love my job


Your library needed to install some computer management software. It's awesome. At closing time, it turns off the PCs.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 9:47 am 
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Vantine wrote:

Your library needed to install some computer management software. It's awesome. At closing time, it turns off the PCs.

We have that in the library system I currently work in! I love it! 15 mins before closing, they shut off


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:30 am 
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Aw, here we go.

There's a street fella who's been coming in a couple of days a week to chat with one of the lawyers here. The lawyer in question is incredibly kind-hearted and will take time out of his busy schedule to give advice to homeless people, give them cigarettes and money, he even talks to people who are obviously suffering from mental illness* just so that they can have someone to talk to and be heard. He is a SAINT.

This one 'client' in particular really has entitlement issues and takes this lawyer's help for granted, comes in several times a week without an appointment hoping to speak with him for free, and once even told me that the lawyer owed him a thank you card. For the privilege of giving him free legal advice and money and cigarettes, ostensibly...?

So this morning he comes in. I'm in the kitchen fixing myself a cup of coffee and when I walk back to my desk I see him sitting in the lobby.

Me: "I'm sorry, [lawyer's name] isn't in yet this morning."
Him: "Did you just make some coffee?"
Me: ".... yes, I just made myself a cup of coffee."
Him: "You know, if you're going to be hostile, just say it so I know we aren't going to be friends."
Me: "well, you know, it's pretty passive aggressive to just come up here and ask me if I'm making coffee so you can have some."
Him: "passive aggressive... define!"
Me: "actually, I have some work I need to be doing right now."
Him: [standing up] "You are really aggressive! YOU KILL PEOPLE!"
Me: "I.... kill people?"
Him: "YOU KILL PEOPLE!"

then he left, shouting nonsense at me until he was out the door.


*Edited to clarify, because I realize that 'mental illness' is incredibly broad- I'm referring to people who suffer from conditions that give them paranoia and/or hallucinations, they think they are being followed/spied on, want to sue the government for putting microrobots in their drinking water, that sort of thing.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:35 am 
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I do customer support for a cellphone application company. You bet your asparagus I'm going to be posting in here a lot. (Thanks for starting, Erika!)

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 5:43 pm 
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I worked for a dermatologist and had a patient come in because he was "itching". He brought in a Ziploc sandwich bag containing his own freshly harvested pubic lice.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:07 pm 
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Lacy wrote:
I worked for a dermatologist and had a patient come in because he was "itching". He brought in a Ziploc sandwich bag containing his own freshly harvested pubic lice.


And we have a winner! And by winner, I mean loser.


Everyone here probably knows all of my problems/funny stories are about my boss, we rarely have people come in so mostly I just screen phone calls and tell telemarketers that my boss isn't there ever. I think the most common annoyance I have is, I eat lunch at my desk and answer the phone while everyone else is gone. A surprising amount of people call during lunch, and a lot of those people seem forking baffled that no one but me is there at around noon. Why aren't you at lunch too?

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:29 pm 
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My husband works for a law firm (family law), and the other day one of the clients, apropos of nothing, pulled out her entire boob and asked one of the attorneys to feel for a lump.


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 7:09 pm 
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I used to work for an audio post house and dealt with voice actors all. day. long. We always had food out in our kitchen, but it was for clients - not for auditioning actors. But that never stopped anybody.

One day, we were casting for old lady voices, so we had quite a few come in. Now, I like old people, but old actors REFUSE TO LISTEN TO YOU. Refuse! This lady comes in, waltzes over to the table and starts shoveling banana chips into her mouth. Then she starts choking on the banana chips. Client services tries to help. Lady goes to the bathroom with door open, in plain sight, and proceeds to vomit said banana chips. An ambulance was called. Old lady was fine after her public vomiting session. Old lady proceeds to dump bowl of banana chips into her purse.

Sigh.


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 7:15 pm 
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mrsbadmouth wrote:
Lacy wrote:
I worked for a dermatologist and had a patient come in because he was "itching". He brought in a Ziploc sandwich bag containing his own freshly harvested pubic lice.


And we have a winner! And by winner, I mean loser.


Seriously. I don't think anyone's won an entirely thread as successfully and unequivocally as this since the "sleeping on the top bunch above my roommate and her ex-boyfriend's mom as the mom fists the roommate" story from the old boards' Roommate Thread.

alice1drland wrote:
Old lady proceeds to dump bowl of banana chips into her purse.


forking hilarious!


I'm happy to say that an old regular stopped by today. He thinks the government is spying on him via robotic raccoons. "They look like raccoons... but they're not!"

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 7:31 pm 
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Erika Soyf*cker wrote:


*Edited to clarify, because I realize that 'mental illness' is incredibly broad- I'm referring to people who suffer from conditions that give them paranoia and/or hallucinations, they think they are being followed/spied on, want to sue the government for putting microrobots in their drinking water, that sort of thing.


If this law thing doesn't work out you are so ready to work in a public library.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 7:45 pm 
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I work at a government law library in the courthouse. Our Very Special Clients are the prefect mix of library weirdos, snooty legal professionals, clueless and kooky members of the public, anti-government crusaders, stressed out students and desperate people trying to navigate our complex legal system.


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 8:05 pm 
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A lady pooped her pants in my office.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 8:16 pm 
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When I worked at a U-pick farm/farmer's market, I'd get all kinds of crazy questions about where food comes from. But my favorite is when a woman came in to pick strawberries, and after I weighed her container and sent her out to the field, she came back in 5 minutes later and told me she needed help finding the strawberry trees.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 8:44 pm 
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Excellent thread !

I did mobile and network trouble shooting for a mobile phone company....

caller: STOP spying on me !
me: Why do you think some one is spying on you?
caller: That little dancing person on my phone is laughing at me.

The customer had an Android phone and though the Android Robot mascot was listening in. Hopefully this customer won't get an iphone 4 S and meet Siri - could cause major problems....


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 9:18 pm 
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i used to work in food service. the VSC tend to blend into a lump of rude, mumbling, and/or grouchy humanity. but i do fondly remember getting reamed out over the phone for supposedly putting a customer on hold for too long and then badmouthing her to my coworkers.

we used to sell whole cakes, and you could order any of the 50+ cakes we carried. so when the lady called and had no idea what she wanted after i had tried to tease out what she was looking for (a chocolate cake? coffee? something fruity? rich, or light?), i had to put down the phone and go find the giant tome of all the cakes ever, so i could spend the rest of the evening reading them out to her. this was supposedly when i had this giant customer bashing convo, although all that probably happened was a coworker wondering why the hell i had been missing from the front for 20 minutes. i do know i was polite to a fault though, so i was shocked when i went to pick up the phone again and she unleashed a string of obscenities against me.

and then proceeded to call back every 30 minutes for the rest of the night so she could scream at me again. and then called back the next day to demand i be fired. it was fun times.

also, once, my coworker got bashed over the head and knocked unconscious by a meth head while taking out the trash one evening. we happened to be in the same city block as a meth clinic, which none of us had really realized before. so after that we weren't allowed to go outside by ourselves after dark while on shift.


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 9:19 pm 
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Oh here's a good one that always makes me smile-

Me: "Law offices"
Caller: "Hello, my name is Yale McYalerson*, I'm calling from Yale...
Me: [eyeroll [to self]]
Caller: "... and I'm calling about the Bulldogs Across America program and wondering if you can tell me some of the requirements."
Me: [forgetting the Yale mascot is a bulldog] "I'm sorry, I don't know what that is."
Caller: "oh, well it's a program we have here... at Yale... and we've been working with [name of lawyer] for the past couple of years..."
Me: "Oh, that lawyer hasn't had an office here for two years now. His office is an hour north in [town]. I can give you his new number, do you have a pen?"
Caller: "oh, uh, yes... let me get one."

He ends up hanging up by mistake and calling me back (introducing himself as being from Yale again) and I retold the story several times to many excellent sassy friends, who all helped me come up with hilarious would-be comebacks, the best of which was "I don't know what they teach you at Yale, but the University of Google taught me that [lawyer] is now practicing in [town]." Burn. Also, "how much does Yale cost per year, and they don't even give you a pen?"

*names have been changed because I can't remember and don't care.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 10:35 pm 
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You guys are making me feel WAY better about my job, even if it is a good day when no customers call me a crasshole.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:17 pm 
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Location: Vancouver, BC
Oh lemme think. I think most of my stories would come from my internship at the shelter that is dubbed "last chance motel". Any folks who get kicked out of the better shelters come there. You have to have a pretty dark sense of humour or the job will destroy you.

Reading the log book was always interesting, as the workers have to use the most politically correct language they can, and yet it still doesn't cover up the ridiculousness. For example:

(I will use disney princess names for fun and confidentiality)

"At 1:02pm it was noticed that Ariel was sitting in the dining area wearing only thong underwear. Belle and Jasmine got extremely distressed by this and started making offensive metaphors about Ariels buttocks. I alerted Ariel that no one is allowed in the dining room between meal times. She responded by telling me to perform fellatio on her, to which I responded......."

This happened on my one (VERY needle-phobic) coworkers first day. Two residents (we'll call them Aurora and Mulan) had made an agreement to help eachother shoot up. After Mulan helped Aurora inject, Aurora backed out of the agreement. So Mulan in a fit of rage, chased Aurora, while screaming profanties with a tourniquette around her neck and a syringe sticking out, holding another needle threatening to stab Aurora with it and give her HIV. This happened at one of the shelters smaller housing programs that is single staffed.

Oh, and on my first day a woman took advantage of the fact that I didn't know certain rules (that residents weren't allowed in certain areas) and stole narcotics while the other staff member turned her back.

What else.....the usual screaming of profanities, alcohol induced silliness.....yeah. Oh, and when some residents scored certain drugs they would gleefully come and show them to me. I couldn't really congratulate them, so I usually mumbled something about them knowing their body best and reminding them about harm reduction techniques.

I really miss the ladies- I don't want to paint a bad picture of them. As intense as their issues were they were funny, creative, talented and they ADORED Brie.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:23 pm 
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I can't talk about clients at my current job due to ethical and confidentiality concerns, but I've got some old favourites.

I spent two years working at a famous, mermaidy coffee chain. One day this group of foreign businessmen in flashy suits come in.
Businessman: How much is a small coffee?
Me: $1.60.
B: And how much is this (pointing at small chocolates)?
Me: some price.
B: and how much is that (pointing at who the fork cares)?
Me: it's _____.
B: And how much are you? *big, creepy smile*
Me: Uhhhhhh. That'll be $1.60. Have a nice day.

I turn to my coworker who is dying laughing and ask "did he just ask how MUCH I am?!"

Another day in suck-city:
Bus driver who gets free drip coffee and tea (my store was a licensee at a large winter resort, tons of bus traffic so bus drivers got discounts): I'm going on a cruise!
Me: Oh, that sounds really great. Where to?
Busdriver: some destination. Say, do you let your boyfriend shave your legs?
Me: Whaaa?

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:26 pm 
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I got sexually harassed a lot at that job, quite often from bus drivers. Hurray!

For halloween my coworker and I put on bunny ears and drew on whiskers. This one super creepy busdriver (who could have been my father) goes: say, why don't you gals come on my bus and I'll get my Hugh Hefner robe and we can PLAAAY.

Later that day I'm sitting studying while I eat lunch and creepy bus driver is at the condiment bar with another busdriver. He says, loud enough for me to hear, "oh, yeah, I'm just waiting for j-dub to get her french maid costume on!" The other busdriver goes "you can't SAY that."

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"But really, anyone willing to dangle their baby in front of a crocodile is A-OK in my book."~SSD


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:34 pm 
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Last one from that stupid job.

One day I'm opening in the morning and my coworker had forgot to lock the door behind her when she arrived. I usually kept the door locked until we were officially open, but if regulars showed up a couple minutes early I'd let them in. A busdriver strides in at 6:55 (we opened at 7 am) and goes "hey! Where's my coffee?!?"

Normally someone five minutes early wanting coffee is fine, I can deal with that. But striding in and demanding coffee like you're forking nobility? No way. So I say "I'm sorry, we're not actually open for four more minutes. I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside."

"How dare you? It's 7:00!"
"No, it's now three minutes to seven. I really can't open until it's 7:00."
"I can't believe this! I don't have to stand for this! I can go down (15 minutes away) to (frankly, a much better coffee shop) and get coffee there!"
"You're right. You can absolutely go down there to pay for coffee. If you want your free coffee from here, you're going to have to wait two more minutes."

He leaves angrily. Later in the morning I'm in the back ordering or something and come out to find he had just spent about 5 minutes yelling at one of my baristas.

The next day I was home with really awful food poisoning and I get a call from one of my coworkers letting me know that this busdriver is coming into the store and talking about what a bisque I am, is accosting guests walking by the store to tell them how awful I am, is telling all of the busdrivers how I am the worst person ever.

For the rest of the time I worked there if he came toward the store and saw me behind the counter he would turn around and walk out. One time he came in and didn't see me so got in line. When he saw that I was working he got out of line and just stood by the door glaring at me for a few minutes.

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"But really, anyone willing to dangle their baby in front of a crocodile is A-OK in my book."~SSD


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:35 pm 
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But J-dub, I thought we were just supposed to shut up and let people say that stupid shiitake about us women?!

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