Post Punk Kitchen Forum

Do we? If not, here it is.

Things are just beginning to get ugly. Playing e and phone tag with a lawyer. I can't complain because the consultation is free and she's going on a sliding scale.

The worst part is over. I'm still scared about officially doing this alone.

STBNMJ is not helping me whatsoever with child care. I want to get this process going so I can at least apply for some state funded child care assistance, but I can't while I'm married because we're "too rich." Yeah. Whatever. The sad part is STBNMJ could easily help me with $200 of that a month if he'd just quit eating fast food, drinking beer, and buying his recreational pot.

Sigh.

No advice, but just wanted to say i am thinking of you and hope things go as well as can be expected, and quickly.
my filing for divorce was at the rock-bottom period of my life and after we got all the Child Services crepe out of the way (we were both playing hardball and not pulling any punches-- not recommended) everything could only get better from there. let's hope you're on an upswing as well as soon as you can live through this.
hugs dude.

No advice either just some empathy and hope that things get better soon for you and your kids.

Do some digging around outside of the regular channels to get child care. Does the YMCA have a child care program in your area? They may work with you. Mr. T goes to a free after school care program (with pick up at school!) funded by our Juvenile Welfare Board.

Some agencies will work with the fact you have a divorce pending.

I am not admitted in IN, but here in NY, we were able to garnish a father's pay when the couple was separated (not yet divorced).

Good luck with all you have to deal with, and hoping things get better soon!

I second looking into alternative child care. My sister is going through a really nasty divorce, and someone at her lawyer's office directed her to the Boys and Girls Club in our town for childcare. The kids have to be 6 years or older (so this may not work for you), but it only costs her $10 per kid for membership through the school year ($10 for the ENTIRE school year, not per day or per week), plus additional charges for the summer months (I think it's about $200 per child for the summer). The kids are really enjoying it so far. Plus she can afford it with no help from her soon-to-be ex husband.

I would ask your attorney about whether you are legally seperated. If you are legally seperated, you would he able to file for stuff. I was able to file for child support from my XH when we were still legally married but seperated and no longer living together. Also, in my state, if you were to get some type of financial assitance (free medical, food stamps, cash aid), you're usually required to file for child support.

Having been divorced with kids myself, I will say the beginning is the worst part of it. It does get easier and it does get better. Just take it day by day.

Hugs and strength, jewbacca. And hugs for fini and blasto, too. <3

So sorry you're going through this. As the daughter of a dead-beat dad, I really feel for you and Blasto and Fini. I hope you get to some resolution soon and that STBNMJ (finally figured out what that stood for!) gets his act together.

Sending support your way as well. You can file for legal separation in Indiana, but you cannot currently live together. (Not sure if that's an issue?) You can concurrently request maintenance and child support during the separation. Also, most people don't think of this initially, but your county proeecutor's office may be a resource in child support issues. You may wish to call them to see what assistance they can provide, if any. http://www.co.monroe.in.us/tsd/Justice/ ... pport.aspx

If you are still having difficulty with contacting the lawyer, perhaps you might be able to get a consultation with Indiana Legal Services just to get a sense of your options. I hope things start looking up soon!

I looked into alternative child care because there is no legal separation in my state. On the upside, divorces only take about 45 days to process. Florida- where you come for divorce and bankruptcy.

I know nothing about divorce but just wanted to wish you and your children all the best.

It's gotta be the most frustrating thing when someone says they can't afford to give you any support money, but they spend more per month on booze and cigarettes.
Once you start cutting ties, things get easier and easier (you'll always have a tie because of the kids, but all other ones I mean). They become less involved in your life, you're free to find someone new (when you're ready). You'll become a more efficient, stronger mother because you have to be. It's like a new girl scout badge. The "I can do this by myself, and pretty darn well too" badge. Wear it proud on your sash.
Jewy, you're an amazing mother, and you're going to be even more amazing doing it yourself. You can totally do this. <3

Since everyone else has touched on all the other important stuff I want to add: you absolutely have the right to complain about your lawyer, regardless of how much you're paying. Please do not treat yourself like a second-class citizen just because you're paying less for someone's services than someone who can afford to pay more. The whole point of a sliding scale is that some people pay more and some people pay less and it doesn't matter because everyone should be receiving the same quality of service regardless of where on the scale they're paying.

+1 yummy to what CQ said.

I met with a lawyer and she really was awesome. She should be, she was one of my students in a vegan cooking class at church. Anyway, she was telling me about collaborative practice? Any of you law peeps ever see it work?

http://collaborativepractice.com/

The main goal is to take care of the kids, get this done, and do so without court. I hope.

it sounds like another name for mediation! awesome. i had hoped to do mediation but my partner refused so we had to go to court. ironic.

I am not a law person, but I am a clergyperson and I think collaborative divorces are the best thing to ever have happened to divorce.

I think he may go for it. The sucky part is I will be the one likely to move. So that means he stays here, gets a roommate-(probably his brother) I stay at the house a couple days a week and alternating weekends. On my off days, I'll lounge in my apartment eating bon-bons.

Sorry about all this jewy. Just curious but why would you be the one who has to move? (if you don't mind me asking)

I really don't want to be the one who has to move, honestly. He's putting up such a stink, and we're both going to have equal custody of the kids, that I decided that I can deal with a move to my own little apartment or house share and spend half my week someplace else and spend the other half at our home for the sake of the kids. The most important part is that the kids don't move. No decision has been made--I just feel that he'll put up a fight if I have him leave. He can easily have his brother live here and be a reliable roommate, and I can rent a room/studio someplace else.

I'd check and see what happens if collaborative divorce fails in IN (assuming that is where you are filing). Its awesome and very cost effective, but it only really works if both parties are willing to be reasonable adults about it. If it fails, you will likely have to get new lawyers (bc the old one will have a conflict of interest for both clients) and start from scratch, which can get very expensive. Then really make sure that V knows this and is going to agree to your very reasonable terms down the road and isn't going to get punitive or hold you hostage in the process. Shared legal and physical custody is great, but you definitely want to make sure he helps you pay for childcare etc. I know you're eager to get out, but make sure you're agreeing to something that is going to work for you down the line.

I hope things work out really well for you! Sending happy Wookie thoughts to you.

I worked for a collaborative family lawyer when I was in law school. Collaborative family law is truly the way to go. It's MUCH less horrible than traditional family law practise. As Tofulish says, there is a chance that the collaborative method will not work for you, but in the work I've done in the field, the collaborative process seems to be more effective at getting the involved parties to act like adults than the traditional adversarial process. As far as needing a new lawyer if the collaborative process doesn't work, if I recall correctly, most collaborative family practitioners are competent to represent people in traditional proceedings as well, so your lawyer could still potentially be your lawyer if you had to move forward with litigation... but that is something to speak to your lawyer about.

It's not quite the same as mediation, as the results (i.e. a court order) are legally binding in the same way they would be had you fought things out in court, but the process of reaching the resolution is much better for everyone involved, and (in my limited experience) tends to lead to more equitable results.

I'm sorry that you've been having such a difficult and tumultuous time, Jewy, but I'm really glad to see that you seem to have found a good advocate, and that you're moving forward with your life. I'm thinking nothing but good thoughts for you!

Thanks, everyone.

I'm having a bad morning. Sitting here typing and crying because this sucks so hard. I feel like Mr. J. is making me out to be the bad guy. When I proposed the collaborative process, all Hell broke loose and he ended up just being snotty to me on the phone. He apologized a little later, and it was just a solid reminder of why I'm doing this. So sick of the back and forth with him saying pointed and hurtful things to me, then retracting them all the time.

I know he's hurting and that is why he's being an enormous dick, but god--dude, just forking let me go and quit telling me how I've ruined your life and how I'm making a stupid mistake that will destroy the kids as well. Last time I checked, the only lives I was responsible for were mine and the kids. I doubt by divorcing you I'm ruining the kids.

I know I don't have to justify squat to anyone here on PPK--I just can't bring myself to be in this marriage and teach my kids the value that relationships are situations where it is all about what you can put up with from someone else instead of something that allows you to be your own person. I haven't truly been able to be my own person in a while, which is something I don't think STBNMJ understands. It's not his fault, it's mine for not standing my ground and being clear with him about finances, my sexual identity, and saying yes when I meant no. Not being able to be me is killing me. I'll end up drunk.

I'm pretty sure he's going to try to use my queer and poly identity as ammo.

Keep on rising above, honey.
Nothing wrong with being queer and poly, especially if it comes in that strong package that has been sober for longer than most people on this board have been alive, and being a support for other people going through the process. Extra points for, at this juncture, trying to instill character in your children. You've probably got better moral terpitude than 99.9% of the politicians up for election this year (admittedly, not saying much).
big hugs, wookie. you can do this.