Post Punk Kitchen Forum

My therapist talked about my energy level being like a runner that has been injured, so it's interesting to see you make the same metaphor ;). It makes sense, but like someone that wants to get out running again (metaphorically and literally since my hip is injured), it's still frustrating at times and I have trouble coping with the frustration. I worked three jobs while in college, was able to pull all nighters and do volunteer work and be involved as a student, but then it was a downhill slide from there. She also talked about me like a battery that needs to be recharged. I'm not good at recharging and taking time for myself when I'm already behind on so much work. I feel pretty guilty about it. I'm a teacher so there's always a pile of work to grade or lessons/units that need to be planned...more often both.

I hadn't heard about that book. I want to take the time to recover, but it's not socially acceptable, in my view, to say that you're depressed and just need time to get better. However, I am in a country that actually supplies disability for "burnout," so maybe I should be more open to the idea of sharing about it. I just don't want to seem crazy.

Pickles, that's great that you're sleeping and have a ton of food :)

Things will even out soon I bet, and that mountain o' work will look like a wee molehill!

I think, if you can, you should take advantage of that "burnout" clause, though I totally understand your reluctance to talk about it. Remember, we're not crazy, we're just (chemically) unbalanced ;)

Speaking of unbalanced, my doc swapped me back onto the Lexapro on Monday, so I'm looking forward to feeling less murderous within a couple of weeks...

I cooked something twice this week(beyond rice cooker rice and pressure cooker beans). Amazing. I've also been exercising every day. I've even started to start rounding up vegans for a camping trip in the summer. Things just take so much effort but once I start, it's fine.

That's awesome, lianil! I am really impressed by your exercising. I've been able to get cooking again, but not exercising. That said I do have to bike 6 km each way to my job, so I get a bit of leisurely movement each day, but no sweating. What did you cook?

I understand that feeling of "this isn't so bad, so why did it take me so long to get started?" It's annoying, but just pat yourself on the back and be glad you got yourself there. The insidious part of depression is that by its nature it keeps us from doing the things that would make us feel better and encourages the things that make it worse (staying in bed, for example.).

And it's great that you got yourself in the kitchen doing something more active. I've been cooking a lot this week and it feels good, albeit a little stressful. I was feeling really down on mother's day and skipped the tea at my partner's mom's house. I felt guilty so I invited his parents over for dinner Thursday night. I shouldn't have made that rash decision out of guilt because it meant a lot of extra stress for me, but in the end I'm glad I did it. I made a big lasagna with roasted veggies and a beautiful spring salad. And we ate at our new dining room table and had strawberries with vanilla yogurt for dessert. His parents were genuinely interested in the vegan food and ate every bit of it. And they asked for the cashew tofu ricotta recipe after. It may not have been the healthiest way for me to go about it (I made it really complicated for myself and felt a ton of pressure to be "perfect"), but I am glad I did. And there are leftovers.

I think I have the cooking bug back. I enjoy being in the kitchen while listening to podcasts and it results in something tangible and healthy. I have been treating myself so poorly that I'm genuinely amazed by how great I feel when I actually eat at regular times and eat something healthy and nourishing.

However, I can't shake the guilt of being in the kitchen when I should be working on my grad school work or grading papers or planning lessons or the million other things on my task list that are more important than making a batch of seitan. That's when the panic sets in. I am thinking about scheduling time for cooking and work and sticking to it so I don't go overboard on one or the other, but that's a delicate issue for me since I can get obsessive about schedules, list making and other things. I dunno. I need to figure it out soon, though, because I'm coming up against some deadlines soon.

Hey guys! Congrats on all the cooking/exercising/self-care. Keep it up, you deserve it!!

Getting the big D, divorced. Even though I feel that this will lead to a more stable and healthy existence overall, right now it *ahem* blows. Everyone was saying how well I was handling things, being really supportive and making time for me. I've been super busy working 2.5 jobs, finishing up the semester in school, working out everyday and making sure I eat a balanced diet. That was all well and good but now the semester is over, lost out on hours at work(s) and I feel like friends aren't returning my calls as quickly so theres much more time to THINK. And I'm sort of unraveling.

I can't blame them for maybe getting burned out on my venting, or thinking that I'm doing ok and don't need constant checkins. 'Cuz I WAS doing well, but now I'm not and I feel weird asking for support. How can I demand that my friends listen to me bisque about the wedding planning, about the trials of being married (all of a year woo), and now about the divorce? How much bitchin' am I allowed? Obviously I put myself in this situation so I don't feel I deserve it.

Speaking of vents, that one is over. Maybe I should start a Divorce Thread. (The Divorce Force??)

I haven't been doing major cooking but I did make Millet Tabbouleh which was pretty darn good if I do say so myself. I also made split pea soup which involved minor chopping. I also tried to make a cheesy sauce, winging it from various recipes. It tastes ok but maybe winging it wasn't the best idea.

Abelskiver, I'm sorry to hear that. It is ok to be sad, frustrated, angry, whatever you are feeling about your marriage and divorce, no matter how long it was. At least you aren't dragging it out for the sake of 'marriage'. I mean it is good to work things out when you can but sometimes people stay together longer than seems healthy for them just because they dread divorce.

Abelskiver, do you have a counselor or anyone that you can talk to about these things? It might make you feel less like you're burdening others. I'm sure your friends don't feel like you are at all, but I know what it's like to feel as if you are. I guilt myself often about discussing these things with my friends or family because I feel like they want to hear good and positive things, but they always tell me it's okay.

Lianil, millet tabbouleh sounds awesome! So does that freezer-friendly split pea soup. Sometimes when I'm depressed and don't feel like eating the things I've cooked, I'm so thankful that I've made something that freezes well. I feel so guilty about letting food rot or go bad when I don't have the energy to cook or eat, which fuels my negative thinking even more.

I've been cooking up a storm, but I know that's because I'm avoiding dealing with the work I have to do. My medication is improving a lot of things, but not my concentration or focus. I'm cooking and cooking and cooking because it's the only thing that feels productive and unfortunately it's NOT the thing I should be doing right now. I need to sit down and do my work, but I'm overwhelmed by all that needs to get done that I just shut down. Even when I make a list, breaking it all down into small pieces, I'm usually more overwhelmed because the small pieces make it look like that much more. I'm talking with my therapist about all of that this week, but I'm getting close to deadlines and the closer I get the more I panic. Thankfully I'm panicking by cooking and making nutritious food for lunches and the freezer, but I should be doing other things. I rationalize by saying "I need to take more time out for myself. I never do this. Don't feel guilty" but then I do. Gahhh.

yeah, i'm back. it's that time of year.
i survived the bad dates (deaths, mothers day, etc) and now just the beginning of winter has me knocked down.
Well, also, very slow month for work, and moving, and watching money just go bleeding away.
And my mother was *almost* crying on the phone today saying how much she misses us. I feel terrible.

I am going to the gym (i know that will help) but fork.

pickled, you know what you might try doing is scheduling your time to do work that way you have the time to do 'me' stuff but then you have time set aside specifically for tasks you want to do. I've been forcing myself to do things like that where I give myself a time frame so the things I have to do are scheduled.

torque, I'm not as far away as you from my parents but 3,000 miles, 6,000, it doesn't seem to matter at some point. Hang in there.

Maybe this has been asked before, but how does one go about finding a therapist? How do I know I can trust them? What if they don't want to hear about silly things like how the sky makes me feel, or how watching Buffy is better than socializing? What if they have no right to know what happened to my brother when he was a child and how that effects every moment of my life? How do I afford it? Every time I remind myself that things are getting really bad again I'll have a really good couple days and just decide that I'm being whiny and things are actually fine. They most definitely aren't.

Most therapists (and certainly most good ones) offer a first time sort of get to know you bit, with a huge discount. You go in and you find out if they are a good fit for you.

The last week I have been a walking "depression hurts" commercial. On top of my already chronic pain.

I'm sorry you've been feeling like crepe, kfad. The physical symptoms of depression are insult to injury. Feeling bad makes me want to stay in bed (NOT good for the depressed person).

carrotflower, there are clinics you can find with sliding scales. Also, I've heard of people going to universities to see about meeting with psych students. I know that sounds a bit like getting your haircut at the barber school, but it's worth a try. I'm sure young students are eager to help others and get practice working with clients.

I feel out of control like I'm not able to use the new energy I have from my medication for the things that I absolutely HAVE TO get done. I'm cooking like crazy. I made a double batch of steamed white seitan and some breakfast sausages. Last night I baked sandwich bread. I went from not having any motivation or care or interest in cooking or caring for myself to an extreme. Well, I feel like it's extreme anyway since it's so different from "me" a few weeks ago. I justify all the cooking and resting by reminding myself that I can't overdo it - that I have to rest and "recharge my battery," as my therapist calls it, because I've worked myself sick over the past few years. But I feel like it's all wrong - like I'm part of the band on the Titanic, playing while the ship goes down.

One thing we discussed last week was my method of dealing with work, both my grad school work and my work work. I've never in my life turned something in on time. Or...if I did it would be because I pulled a crazy all-nighter with caffeine and energy pills to stay awake. It's like the only way I know how to work is under pressure, but I desperately want to stop yet can't seem to. The thing is, when I start a project I'm super into it! I plan it, schedule it, make lists, break things down into parts, organize what I'm going to do, etc., etc., etc. Then it's like I've planned the hell out of it to the point I'm exhausted and don't actually follow the plan. It's quite possibly the most stupid process ever.

I know that the easiest way to tackle the projects I have in front of me is to freaking START, but I'm somehow paralyzed. I just stare off in the distance OR, more often, I find some other thing to do that seems pressing at the moment like folding towels or baking or making a salad dressing because "you need to eat - you know how you feel when you don't eat lunch at school" or reading about how to stop procrastinating or organizing my calendar.

I hate seeing these behaviors in myself and not knowing how to even begin to deal with them. In my head the planning and the organizing and the stuff I do to even begin dealing with a project seems like the right thing to do, but somewhere between finishing that and the drop-dead deadline, I can't seem to bring myself to work. It's never the right time, there's always something else, etc. My perfectionism is getting to this crazy place where I'm worried it's going to get me into serious trouble (failing a class, failing at work, etc.). Many of these things are the symptoms of my diagnosis (aside from the depression) and on a logical level I can recognize that, but I don't yet know how to fix them.

Sorry, I just needed to vent at the moment. And procrastinate more since I don't seem to do enough of that. ;)

I'm sorry you're going through this, Torque. I also live far as hell away from my family and friends, so I know how bad it can feel at times. I had a few good cries over Skype with my best friend and mom recently. I know this is where I am supposed to be at the moment, because it's led to so many positive things, but emotionally I want to be back "home."

Good for you for getting into the gym and pushing yourself to take care of yourself. Thinking of you!

How are you guys doing? Is the weather improving where you are? It is a bit here, which is helping my mood a lot. I just had my follow-up appointment with a psychiatrist and I'm going to stay on Lexapro for a while. I like that it's improving my mood while letting me keep my emotions intact. My attention and focus are still a complete mess, though.

I've decided to cut my schedule back to four days a week next year (hooray for socialism! you can do that here without losing your health insurance!) and I'm going to take a break from my grad school courses for one semester. It's like I almost have to start over. It's hard for me to do these things because I feel like I"m admitting failure (what, I can teach full time and work on my master's full time! Easy peasy!), but I'm trying to stuff those feelings down and save them for my weekly therapy sessions.

Glad to have the medication working, though. The prospect of going through another trial of something was scary.

i've been thinking of you, pickle. winter here has just really, really hit hard and between that, lack of internet (holy cow, didn't know how good it was til i lost it....), the missing dog, etc, things are really, really bad.
again, exercising religiously because i know it's the only thing standing between me and the rabbit hole right now. but soon we will have internet again, it will stop raining (hard to believe, this one), and things will be OK again. sooo glad i shelled out the extra money for an extra month of gym membership.

glad to hear you are making some headway. tell that annoying voice to STFU. there is a difference between resetting what were ridiculous standards for yourself to something more realistic and actual failure. and good for the meds doing something good for you. hang in there, you can get through all this!!

Thanks, torque. I actually had a therapy session recently where I was supposed to talk to the shitty side of myself. I should start a web forum with it and tell it to STFU.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Why the fork does this stuff happen in winter and when it's raining? Not there's a good time for a shiitake storm, but that always seems to be the case. It's as if the world is filming you in some sort of Truman show and wants everything to be extra forking depressing.

I think it's so great that you're keeping up with the exercise. Every time you get to the gym, be proud of yourself because that's a hard thing to get up and do when it's terrible weather outside and you can feel the depression rearing its head. I imagine all you want to do in those moments is stay in bed longer or go to bed early (at least those are my excuses...even when I know that fitness would give me more energy).

My doctors and I are tackling the attention/focus/energy/crippling procrastination/perfectionism stuff now. I thought the depression was the big scary monster, but it seems like these things are more frightening. They seem almost impossible to "cure" or manage. Don't even know where to start, but trying to stay positive.

pickled, I don't know if this helps at all, but it is ok to fail at things. I think that's a lesson a lot of us in the US don't get so well, especially if you're a smart kid doing well. Everyone fails at things and that is ok. You get some much needed perspective and can revamp your plans. That word has such a negative connotation but it really isn't such a bad thing. I have found in my life that it has been better to fail than never make an attempt. It gives me the knowledge I need to then keep moving. Moving forward, to the side, back, forward. Onward! Upward!

Wow. Feeling really depressed today. In the process of getting my new job, which I love, I've apparently lost all my friends. My one good friend, that I posted about in another thread, has apparently replaced me. I feel like I have no friends to do things with. Being alone right now is not good for my mental health. And everything today has set me off. I just want to cry until there are no tears left.

Hey Scooter. I know where you are. It's a horrible place and feels very hopeless, but you can come out of it. I know that doesn't seem possible right now (it didn't for me), but it is.

May I ask how you lost friends in your job process? I didn't see the other thread. Depression can make us read into things that we might not have otherwise. I know I am super sensitive when I'm depressed and see everything as some sort of reflection on me personally - even when others have no idea what they're saying or doing is hurting me.

Are these the kind of friends you can call and share how you're feeling? Or just say "I'm really depressed and need to get out and do something."

Also, are you seeking professional help or counseling for your depression? If you feel like you've lost all your friends it might be important to be talking to someone about all of this. Depression can make you isolate yourself, which makes the symptoms worse.

I'll be thinking of you...sending hugs!

(Oh, and congrats on the new job. I know you feel like it has cost you a lot, but having a job you care about and enjoy is great for your mental health. Try and be proud of yourself! Those that aren't don't deserve your friendship.)

Thanks so much for the insight, pickledtreats. I'm super sensitive to begin with, so the slightest things throw me off. In another thread I had posted about how I got drunk and thought I was obnoxious at my good friend's cinco de mayo party. I apologized to her for my behavior, but she laughed it off and said I wasn't obnoxious. We would hang out once a week at happy hour and catch up, and I haven't seen her since the party. She's becoming good friends with another girl, who was also at this party, and I'm sure I didn't make a good impression on this other girl due to my drunk behavior. So I'm afraid that my good friend is replacing me with this other girl. She and the other girl work together (I no longer work there due to the new job) so they have lots of opportunities to get together. I'm just so sad. We'd been so close since we met, about 3 years ago.

I probably should get back into counseling, but it's hard to find the time - and a good recommendation. Most of my friends are people I worked with at my last job, and since I'm the new girl at the new job, it's been hard to meet people at the new place, although everyone has been very nice to me. So that's why I feel my friend circle is diminishing at an alarming rate.

Thanks so much for responding to my post.

I have started therapy for bipolar and i am finding it pretty tough already. I was feeling pretty low when we started and while I coming through that I feel really, I am not really sure of the word, fragile and a little emotional. I find myself crying at everything and I don't really know why. We have gone through a very detailed timeline of my life and have started a little mindfullness therapy but I am finding it emotionally tough and draining. I have been through therapy a couple of times before but nothing so in depth and I guess I never really put very much into it before but is this a normal feeling?

I can't speak for anyone else, but I found this to be true each time I started and restarted therapy. It opens me up to things I hadn't thought about, and things I didn't want to think about or haven't dealt with. For me, I've spent a lot of time ignoring a lot of things from my past and present in order to just deal with getting through day to day (and getting through day to day was getting harder and harder). Once I started therapy this last time, it opened a whole lot of emotional stuff I'd been ignoring and totally drained me. But for me, all those little things were like a cancer that I was ignoring, putting band aides on instead of going in and digging it out. But once I dug them out, I could really start to heal. I'm in the midst of this process now so this is the little perspective I have on the subject. I'd like to think that even though it's tough, it will be worth it in the end. That I will be stronger and, ultimately, able to be happy/content/relieved.

+1 to what Kinney said; I am in exactly the same place. Therapy is/can be HARD but it is worth it. I am lucky to finally have a great therapist and a technique that is working awesome for me and it is still so hard.

I'm in therapy for the first time and recently got my diagnosis, which was a serious mind fork. It seemed like it was getting worse (my feelings and the issues that sent me to therapy in the first place), but I'm just now starting to feel myself coming out of all of that. I think it's natural to feel like everything has been upended in your life when you start peeling off the band-aids and acknowledging things as coping mechanisms for bigger problems. For me this was true and it was disorienting and upsetting. I wanted to go back to the horrible place just because it was more comfortable than this new place of uncertainty. The old saying "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know" was playing in my mind. I knew that stopping therapy or running away from what was happening would send me back to that place, but I was so fearful of the unknown of being in therapy that seemed like an option. I'm very glad I stuck with it, though. It's important for you to share these feelings with your therapist so you can get some insight - my therapist told me what I was going through was normal and expected, which helped me deal with it.