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 Post subject: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 12:08 am 
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ok here's the deal.
i dont like children. ive never liked children.
i never even played with dolls as a young child (stuffed animals!)

through pretty much my whole life i said i didnt want children. before my husband and i got married i asked him flat out if he was ok with not having kids.

lately alot of coworkers and friends from high school/college have had kids so i wont lie ive been thinking about it ALOT lately. like constantly. im 34 so im sure ye ol clock is ticking. im pretty much bipolar on the subject. one minute im all for it the next minute i cant even believe i ever thought it was a good idea and i go back and forth, back and forth.

so this past week my husband and i went to Yellowstone on vacation and while we were out hiking a beautiful trail in the woods i was like "yeah so serious question, should we ever have kids"
my husband is SUPER laid back and basically never renders an opinion on anythign and was very waffly on the subject but said he had been kinda thinking of it lately and it seemed like even though he wouldnt say it outright he kinda wanted to have kids.

so we were just talking about it again tonight and i think we kinda sorta decided to go for it. im pretty much freaking out.
i know literally zero about children. ive never babysat, never changed a diaper, etc.

someone please tell me a story about not liking children and then having their own and it being ok. i know several people who dont really like kids in general but love their own kids and are so happy to have them.

the thing is i was very worried about what would happen to us when we got old. like with no kids who the hell would take care of us? i have 2 nephews but im not very close to them. my husband has 3 siblings but other than the youngest one im not sure any of them will have kids. the youngest sibling lives in buffalo now but his girlfriend is from n.c. so wherever they end up it probably wont be in MA where we are. im petrified of growing old and regretting not having a family.

the other thing is im not really all that happy with my life. i love my home life and my husband and my pets but i despise my job to the point that even the people i like there annoy the absolute shiitake out of me because im so miserable there so basically ive become a miserable person. so basically i could leave that job and go get another shitty job i would hate with a worse commute and lower pay so what's the point there? i feel like an emptiness in my life. my original plan in life was just to work and not have kids but have pets and travel the world. right now that isnt super fulfilling because the whole "travel the world" thing is not super easy although we have been extremely fortunate and have traveled to many places but that's like once a year so in between that i am just miserable.

im freaking out so much i cant sleep. its 1am and i have to get up in 5 hours to go to work after not having been there for a week.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!

we have a couple good things going for us. my husband is an electrical engineer and makes good money so with a dramatic change in our spending habits we think i could quite my job and be a stay at home mom for at least awhile (never thought i would say that in my life).
we have a very good support system. i have a big extended family and most of them are in MA. my parents arent that far and are approaching retirement age. my husband's parents are 6 hours away so they wouldnt be able to really help with care but i have no doubt in my mind that they would be awesome grandparents.
we both grew up in loving stable homes so i think we would be able to provide a similar home to our own kids.

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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:03 am 
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So here's the thing about children: they're pretty much like any people. You may dislike them as a group (and believe me, I am not a people person at all) but you're probably going to like some of them individually.

I love my kids. Having them hasn't made me like all children though. I like most of their friends, but their friends tend to be kids of my friends, who I'm biased towards liking. Random kids on the playground, well, it depends on the age group and the kids but I'd still rather stick pins in my eyelids than have to interact with, say, the average gang of third grade boys.

So what I'm saying is, if you have kids, I wouldn't expect your views on them to change radically... But you will almost definitely like your own most of the time.

(As an aside, I do think having my own kids has made me feel a lot more kindly towards other parents.)

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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:04 am 
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Oh, and I was never ever a doll person either. My mom used to joke that I'd never have kids because I'd get bored and leave them somewhere.

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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:17 am 
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My mom is kind of "meh" about kids, but she was an awesome mom and is a great grandmother. My mom is hands down one of my best friends, and I've always known how much she loves my brother and I.

I don't think you have to be baby crazy or have tons of experience with babies to be a good parent. Truth be told, no matter how many babies one has watched, nothing prepares you for having your own. Nothing. I worried with every one of my three that there would be something that I could not do, or questioned how could I love the next as much as the first/others, or that I would not do this or that right. And all three of my children are hands down the most important people in my life, and my greatest blessing and joy. Gah, that sounds so sappy, don't it? Sure, it will be challenging as it is for all of us. I've never met someone who hasn't found some aspect of motherhood to be challenging, but there's also tons of love that comes along with it.

But, I wouldn't think of it as a life fix. If you have things you don't like about your life, those things may still be there post kiddo. Like, if you were a SAHM maybe you would love it and maybe you wouldn't love it and would need to work for your sanity. Could you go back to a job you didn't like, or if you couldn't take your once yearly trips would you be alright?

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this, but suffice it to say, yes, you can totally not be a kid-person and wind up being an amazing parent who never knew how amazing their life could be until they had a child.

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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:22 am 
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Okay, I never liked kids and thought maybe I'd only have one. I totally did not want kids for ages (unlike my sister, who always always always wanted babies, even when she was a kid, she was making grand plans for a family). I wasn't good with kids; they didn't like me.
Suddenly, I don't know if it was hormones or what, but I wanted kids and other kids seemed slightly less annoying. Now I have 2 kids and am trying for a third.

That said, I know a few people who were wishy-washy about having kids and didn't and they are perfectly happy. I think having kids is such a huge, life-changing deal, that it is better to be 100% sure about wanting them than to have them and then regret it (I do know one person who, although she loves her daughter, thinks she shouldn't've had a kid). But you totally can go from kid-hating to being really, really into having kids.

As for who will take care of you when you are old...I wouldn't worry about that. I actually don't know many people who take care of their parents. My husband has 3 grandparents in their 90s and they live on their own and are just fine!

Kind of unrelated -- *I* was an electrical engineer, hated my job, quit (well, I got laid off, but I was going to quit after I paid off my loans and didn't bother to get another engineering job), paid off my student loans, changed my spending habits, and now I don't work and I stay at home with the kids. My husband works; he doesn't make a lot of money -- but this is fine, because we live a simple life within our means. We would both rather live on less than have to work more. I kind of feel like our free time is worth more than the hassle of more money from a job. This kind of got me into the whole minimalism/simple living-thing (I love reading those blogs). I am way, way happier now than ever before.
So, unrelated to having kids, you could always look into a change of jobs. I definitely recommend it if your job is making you miserable. My two favourite jobs were after I stopped being an engineer -- working as a Christmas Tree decorator and working in a coffee shop. My husband was just talking to me yesterday about how he's glad I'm not an engineer anymore because my job made me so misterable and crabby.

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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 5:40 am 
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I don't think having a kid is a fix for hating your job, but I hear what your saying. Its good timing for you because you don't mind taking a break from your work.

I was very similar to you, same age and previous attitude, fears, etc, and now that I've had a baby, I keep telling everyone I know, "why did I wait so long?" seriously, I love it and I regret waiting so long. I'm worried I won't have time to have more.


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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 6:36 am 
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thanks everyone, im still totally freaking out and pretty much didnt sleep at all last night though i think that might have had more to do with feeling nauseous all night from eating a dessert that i think may have had dairy in it.

im sure ill have a buttload more questions but right now i just feel brain dead and i really dont want to go to work! i want to go sleep some more!

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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:08 am 
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My husband and I were the stereotypical we-hate-kids-nope-never-going-to-have-them people during our college years and at the beginning of our marriage. One of the reasons we liked each other so much was because we both had settled this matter early on that we didn't want kids, and that we didn't have to worry about disappointing the other later down the road.

Oh yeah, things can change. It took us a couple years to accept the fact that we wanted to start a family. It was a really tough transition for us when we were so hell-bent to not reproduce for so long. But sometimes you just meet a partner who really makes you think, "Wow, I really would like to have a kid with that guy." It happens! It's not a sign of weakness or indecision, it's just natural. I'm glad we waited a little longer than some of our friends to get started (I was 28 when Ezra was born, and I'll probably be 32 or so when the next one comes along), I think it allowed us to settle in a bit more with our own relationship and make sure we really did want this.

I totally get the "who's going to take care of us?!" thing. Both of us have parents and grandparents who were/are seriously ill, and it made us realize we do need that extra protection. And you do end up loving your kids. Yeah, they can really bug you sometimes, and there are things you will never get back (I miss going out to eat or get a coffee by myself more than anything) but the good outweighs the bad. And I actually don't mind other people's kids any more (and my husband downright adores them now - he's that person who stops at EVERY baby to coo at him or her when walking down the street) Priorities and feelings change as we grow older, and it's ok!


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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:46 am 
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Lisa, we are basically the same person. I always said I would never ever have kids and I didn't want them. Then I met Nate and I started thinking that one day I might want to have a baby. Then I got pregnant. I agree with cold and sleepy. I don't love every child, but damn, I love mine. It is a lot of work, but it is true what everyone ever in the world has said, it is the best challenge you will ever have, it is the most rewarding thing in the world. Some days will suck other days will be better than the best day you have ever experienced yet. The best thing, everyday something good happens because I have my little one.

I did like my job but it didn't make sense for me to keep working because of how expensive daycare is. I am sooooooo thankful I am a stay at home mom, it is awesome. The number one thing I would suggest, join one or more mothers groups. Even do it when you are pregnant. I didn't start until Grey was about two months, but wow, it changed my life. Family is wnderful, but having other moms that know exactly what you are going through is even better. Don't expect that you will love everyone or that you and other moms will all have the same ideas about parenting, but having someone to talk to is so valuable. It is also a great way for your baby to socialize!

Whatever you guys decide will be what is right for you. This last year has been the toughest and best of my life. And despite all the hard stuff it doesn't even seem that bad in hindsight because the payoff is so great!


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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 9:47 am 
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Same situation here! My husband and I both NEVER wanted kids. My family is very small and I had never been around a baby or child in my life. I also hated dolls, and I had certainly never changed a diaper or held a baby. I was 100% uncomfortable around children, and didn't really enjoy them one bit, and considered myself part of the childfree lifestyle. I had wanted to be sterilized when I was in college (good thing now that I opted for an IUD instead!) and with her son being 36, MIL had long given up hope of a grandchild.

...But periodically husband and I would joke about having a baby, and after a while, we started to realize that our jokes were kind of serious, and that yes, with each other we could see having a kid. After that we decided to go for it and manically started trying to get pregnant. I really hated pregnancy, and had a lot of doubt and worry over whether I would bond with our baby right away, etc., but as soon as Sven popped out I was so in love. So crazy how hormones do that! (They do not, however, necessarily make you love other peoples' kids, though I certainly appreciate babies in general a lot more now!)

Of course, we were going to have just the one... and now, with Sven being 5 months old and pregnancy and postpartum recovery conveniently forgotten, we are anxious for #2. Craziness!

I'm a stay at home mom now, and I'm so, SO happy to be doing it. My job sucked, and wasn't somewhere I wanted to be forever, so it didn't make sense for us to put all my limited income into paying for daycare for a job I didn't want to keep. I'm using this time to figure out what I really want to do and plan to go back to school in the future. In that way, it was a really good time for me to get pregnant, and has kind of been the impetus for changing the direction of my life. As far as travel, we won't be going anywhere outside of the US for a while, but we're excited to take our kids all over the world and let them have all sorts of amazing experiences. It will be different than if we were childless, but we still plan to travel plenty!

And I'm 100% agreed with littlebear on finding a mother's group! I enrolled in a group run by a doula for new mothers 'discovering' themselves postpartum. I wouldn't have made it without the new mama friends I made there, since we have no family or many friends here yet. Group prenatal classes are also a great way to meet other parents (even with a great support system it's wonderful to go through what you're going through as a new parent with other people experiencing the same thing!).


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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk(
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:03 am 
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Butternut wrote:
I don't think having a kid is a fix for hating your job, but I hear what your saying. Its good timing for you because you don't mind taking a break from your work.

Yep. I do sort of regret having a kid before I figured out "what I want to do with my life", but that assumes that I'm going to actually figure out at some point exactly what I want to do. Knowing me though, I'd probably be well past the optimal age for childbearing before I'd figure something out career-wise.

Also, if you and your partner both feel unprepared for taking care of an infant, I highly recommend an infant care class that you can take at a hospital/birth center/whatever along with a birth class. It was the best thing my partner and I did to get ready for a baby since we had not been around many little ones.


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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:48 am 
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Oh yeah, re: being a solution for hating your job. Having a kid will surely not "fix" your life. But it can be the catalyst for life changes such as leaving a job you hate-- my first pregnancy was what made me shuffle my priorities and realize it was totally nuts to stay in a graduate program that was seriously making me deeply depressed. My second kid helped me see clearly that I hated the job I was in and really wanted to change my long term direction. I don't know. I think it CAN help you reassess your life.

On the other hand, I thought I'd love being a SAHM and with my first, I seriously hated it. It's better with 2 but I've been doing outside stuff (taking classes, and in the fall I'll be starting in a different grad program, woo) this time and actually less baby crepe like new parent groups.

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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 12:06 pm 
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I guess it seems like there's something I'm not hearing in your post: why do you want to have kids? I heard you say that you think your husband wants to have kids (but won't actually say it directly) and that you are afraid you'll regret not having kids when you're older. I heard you asking for us to tell you why having kids would be something you'd want. But I didn't hear you say that you want to have kids. Obviously this is a very personal decision between you and your husband, but...I kinda get the feeling that you don't actually want to have kids. I may be totally wrong about that feeling -- after all, I don't know you, all I know is what you posted here, and stuff tends to get distorted over the internet like that. But, I just want to point out to you that it really is okay to not have kids, and it's not a decision that you can really take back once you make it. Personally -- and this is just coming from my own experience, this may not be the right decision for anyone but me and I'm not trying to convince anyone otherwise! -- I would rather regret not having kids, than have kids and regret that I had them.

I'm not trying to talk you out of having kids or anything...just presenting another perspective on this. There are plenty of valid life choices that adults can make that don't involve having kids.

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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 12:13 pm 
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Yes, I agree with CQ :)

I didn't want children, never babysat or changed a diap and generally avoided tiny people (so many of my friendships went by the wayside when my friends had kids) until I met my husband and then I did, and we had our baby when I was already 40. I adore her and am thrilled we did it.

That said, I really would tell you that if you're having a child to provide for you in your dotage, you're better off saving all the money you'd spend on him/her and putting it into an IRA. Kids are expensive, and there is no guarantee that you will get a financial return on your investment in them (in fact, you are unlikely to get back the amount you put in).

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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 12:14 pm 
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I don't know your age but you probably don't need to rush things. If you really want a kid, you'll still want one in a year and have that time to think it over. Plus make some important parenting decisions without the rush of 'Omg im pregnant and have nine months to decide if I want to breastfeed/vaccinate/circumsize.'


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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 12:57 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
Yes, I agree with CQ :)

[...]

That said, I really would tell you that if you're having a child to provide for you in your dotage, you're better off saving all the money you'd spend on him/her and putting it into an IRA. Kids are expensive, and there is no guarantee that you will get a financial return on your investment in them (in fact, you are unlikely to get back the amount you put in).

This is what I was going to suggest. If you want to be taken care of when you're older, start a good retirement fund. That's a much safer bet than kids or nephews.

But on the other hand, if your idea of retirement is doting on grandkids or spending lots of time with family, that's more relevant.


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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:00 pm 
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I always had pretty good rapport with kids, but never cared for babies at all. Had no real drive to be a parent, not even when I got married. Years into our marriage, we decided to try to have a kid for whatever reasons we had, and here we are.

I love my son to pieces. I am so happy to be his father.

I don't really care for other actual kids much. When GG was a baby, and then a toddler, and on and on, I looked at other kids like they were some other species. They just didn't do anything for me. My feelings for my own are completely different from my feelings for other kids.

Before being a parent, I had never changed a diaper or done ANYTHING with a baby. (Maybe I'd held one uncomfortably for a few seconds?) But then I did what billions of humans have done before me: I learned what to do with a baby.

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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:19 pm 
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Thanks everyone for your imput. I really appreciate everyone’s thoughts regardless if it’s pro or con. Let me clarify a bit since I think my first post was probably insanely manic. It was 1 am I was freaking out. I was tired from just getting home from vacation the day before and probably a tiny bit jetlagged and I was nauseous from the evil dessert.
I am fully aware that having a kid will not solve all my life problems. In fact it could add to them! I think I am overly aware of that fact and that is why I am so damn petrified.
I know having a baby will not make me like other babies. Frankly I don’t care. I don’t like other peoples’ kids and I probably never will most likely because it’s the parents I don’t like. I tend to like kids of my friends and my nephews obviously.
When I say if we don’t have kids we will have no one to take care of us when we are old I don’t mean financially. I mean being financially taken care of when we are old by our kids would be awesome but no one in their right mind should bank on that. I guess I mean more just family to have and a support system. both my parents came from HUGE families and my mom is a nurse and was and still is the main care taker of all family members. I see her and my aunts and uncles taking care of my grandparents and making sure everything is set for them. not financially but just I guess paying back the care they received as kids. I know there is no guarantee we will have that but I guess im most worried about regretting not having a family.
I could sit here for the next 5-7ish years until I physically cant have kids (or I guess shouldn’t is the better word) and debate whether I truly *want* to have them and probably never come up with an answer. I don’t think for some people like myself there is ever a clear cut answer like YES I want to have kids or HELL NO!
I think a lot of people “got it” above that I am sort of at a crossroads in my life where I need a life change from what im doing and it’s also probably the right time to start a family if we are going to have one.
I think we are just honestly recognizing how scary this decision is up front rather than jumping head first in and then going “whoa this is scary”

So yeah I hope that made at least a little bit of sense. Still nauseous and tired :-P
So umm…here is the start of my dumb questions.
How does one find an appropriate doctor? I don’t have a gynecologist I just go to my regular dr. should I talk with her and maybe she can recommend an OBGYN? Do I like decide what hospital I want to go to and then pick a dr there?
Im all confused. :-/

Seems like I got a lot of learning to do about things I have no clue about!

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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:33 pm 
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The way that worked out in my father's family was my grandmother living in filth in Italy while already in her 90's with her daughters taking out a life insurance on her. They wanted her to live dangerously alone so that she would die a little faster, and were not happy when my dad managed to bring her here to the US and took care of her for her last few years.

On my mother's side, my grandmother lived by herself in the Netherlands and when she passed away, her beloved children who lived there told the hospital staff that they were not going to do any of the funeral arrangements, and that my mother would when she got there from NYC. Then proceeded to ransack her apartment for anything remotely valuable.

I will absolutely take care of my parents when the time comes, but you know...don't bank on that.


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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:51 pm 
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Doctors: I would talk to your normal doctor and see what she thinks. You probably don't need a separate OB/GYN til you're actually pregnant and if your current dr does your GYN stuff, she might be qualified to do some/all of your prenatal care anyway. Several of my friends have just seen their family practice doctors during pregnancy and that can be fine.

I picked my OB by finding all the doctors my insurance covered in the area, calling an office, and getting an appointment with the first doctor with an opening. This totally random method landed me with a doctor I absolutely loved (and kept for my second pregnancy). Yay dumb luck!

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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:11 pm 
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I always wanted kids and am happy I now have one, but I also know I'm totally not cut out for stay-at-home-parenting. Those two things don't necessarily go together and I don't think it makes sense to consider having a kid and becoming a SAHM in order to get out of a job you hate, because you might hate being a SAHM even more. Figuring out your career path and figuring out your parenting path are two totally different things that might cross or come together, but might not. Heck, you don't need a kid as an excuse to be unemployed and it would be more financially possible WITHOUT a kid for your to just quit your job - kids cost money!

Also, it just seems to me that regretting not having kids is less awful than regretting having kids. I wouldn't start trying to conceive until you're 100%.


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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:23 pm 
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choirqueer wrote:
Personally -- and this is just coming from my own experience, this may not be the right decision for anyone but me and I'm not trying to convince anyone otherwise! -- I would rather regret not having kids, than have kids and regret that I had them.

Yep, I think so too. Which is why whenever people ask about whether they should have kids, many are going to stress the cons rather than the pros.

But, I see where you are coming from-- it is a really really hard decision. I'm the sort of person who is indecisive and will never be 100% certain of anything, ever. I think I'm lucky in that way that my daughter was accidental because I didn't have to make the decision, but knew I wanted kids at some point. It meant the timing wasn't ideal, but such is life.


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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 5:33 pm 
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LisaPunk wrote:
I could sit here for the next 5-7ish years until I physically cant have kids (or I guess shouldn’t is the better word)


I know you're stressed and didn't mean this to be offensive, but I just want to say that being 39 to 42 (you state in your OP that you're 34) is not a reason that you shouldn't have children.

I find it problematic to make sweeping generalizations judging other people's fitness to have children by their incomes, their family size, whether they are married or not, or their ages. Everyone gets to make family planning decisions for themselves, and its pretty unkind to say that people in their 40s "shouldn't" have children.

I had my daughter at 40 (as I posted upthread), and that was the perfect time for me to do so.

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But on a cold winter night, when the wind whispers through the trees and a bright, white moon hangs heavy in the air, you might hear a sad cry like someone thinking he knows what's best for you, and that'll be the white man a-passin' you by. just mumbles


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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 5:46 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
LisaPunk wrote:
I could sit here for the next 5-7ish years until I physically cant have kids (or I guess shouldn’t is the better word)


I know you're stressed and didn't mean this to be offensive, but I just want to say that being 39 to 42 (you state in your OP that you're 34) is not a reason that you shouldn't have children.

I find it problematic to make sweeping generalizations judging other people's fitness to have children by their incomes, their family size, whether they are married or not, or their ages. Everyone gets to make family planning decisions for themselves, and its pretty unkind to say that people in their 40s "shouldn't" have children.

I had my daughter at 40 (as I posted upthread), and that was the perfect time for me to do so.

I dodn't want to put words in Lisa's mouth, but I always said I didn't want to have children past 35. That doesn't mean other people shouldn't, it was just the max age I feel comfortable having kids (this has less to do with being a certain age and concerns about fertility and more to do with the fact that I want my kids to be through college/hopefully out of the house by a certain age). I just wanted to out down my perspective because I wouldn't want to offend anyone if I were to say anything like that, but for me, I shouldn't have babies after 35.


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 Post subject: Re: ahhhh help me out ppk
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 5:57 pm 
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mollyjade wrote:
Tofulish wrote:
Yes, I agree with CQ :)

[...]

That said, I really would tell you that if you're having a child to provide for you in your dotage, you're better off saving all the money you'd spend on him/her and putting it into an IRA. Kids are expensive, and there is no guarantee that you will get a financial return on your investment in them (in fact, you are unlikely to get back the amount you put in).

This is what I was going to suggest. If you want to be taken care of when you're older, start a good retirement fund. That's a much safer bet than kids or nephews.

But on the other hand, if your idea of retirement is doting on grandkids or spending lots of time with family, that's more relevant.



Yup. No one can stand my grandparents enough to take care of them until my grandfather got diagnosed with cancer, until then they lived in a condominium that was pretty nice, lots of other elderly people and nurses on staff. My dad convinced them to move in with him and now him and his wife lives in the basement while my grandparents live upstairs, its not ideal and no one's happy, we were just lucky that the doctors here could figure out what was wrong with him.

I also get anxiety about taking care of my mother one day because academically/career wise I'm a later bloomer and I'm not sure if I'll be on my feet financially before it comes to that.

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