| Register  | FAQ  | Search | Login 
It is currently Wed Aug 27, 2014 6:03 am

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 79 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:16 pm 
Offline
Semen Strong
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 18876
Location: Cliffbar NJ
http://jezebel.com/5919206/cosmos-44-mo ... s-sex-tips?

Quote:
19. "Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples."
On an unrelated note, this is also a great way to train your cat not to pee on the rug.

_________________
My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:28 pm 
Offline
Dr Bronners, MD
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:58 pm
Posts: 4702
Location: Santa Cruz whoop whoop
And here are Fox News' pranks to spice up a relationship:

http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/10-pranks-will-spice-your-relationship

Quote:
1. Put a small piece of masking tape on the bottom of his mouse, making sure it covers the trackball or optical sensor. Watch as he struggles to read his e-mail — and don’t forget to write “Gotcha!” on the tape.

2. This is one of our favorites and it can translate into a number of situations. Ask your guy to go to the supermarket and give him a list of made up things like dehydrated water, sweet salt or a blunt knife. If he’s into fixing things, send him to the hardware store for a glass hammer or cement humidifier. For the sports guy, tell him to grab a box of curveballs and meet you in the park after work. Beware though, this could keep him tied up for a while.


Yes, this totally won't get you an insta-divorce.

_________________
"Trolling an internet message board, The Greatest Activism Of All." - pandacookie
Вы такие сексапильные, когда злитесь


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:32 pm 
Offline
Married to the wolfman
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:49 pm
Posts: 5941
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Ha ha, men totally don't know what items really exist at grocery stores .

_________________
"Hummus; a gentleman's vice." -- Mars

coldandsleepy cooks, THE BLOG!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:35 pm 
Offline
Dr Bronners, MD
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:58 pm
Posts: 4702
Location: Santa Cruz whoop whoop
Also:

Quote:
4."Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."


No, don't, please. It doesn't go back in.

_________________
"Trolling an internet message board, The Greatest Activism Of All." - pandacookie
Вы такие сексапильные, когда злитесь


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:36 pm 
Offline
Semen Strong
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 18876
Location: Cliffbar NJ
coldandsleepy wrote:
Ha ha, REAL men totally don't know what items really exist at grocery stores .


Fixed! If your husband can figure out that a glass hammer doesn't make sense, he can't be a REAL man (tm).

The sex tips are just so dumb. Oprah had one where you had to tell your partner where you wanted to be touched in sequence before things got started (and vice versa), so it was supposed to be face, fingertips, shoulders, back of thighs, neck etc. and then your partner would say their sequence. I tried it once. My partner went "genitals."

_________________
My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:38 pm 
Offline
A Bad Person
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 5:24 pm
Posts: 3014
Location: Soy City
I went in expecting bad ideas and picking out a couple of gems for some laffs but these are all gems. I found myself saying "NO" out loud after all of them. And someone was paid to write these. And someone is paying money to read them. And there might even be someone who is trying some of these.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:40 pm 
Offline
Married to the wolfman
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:49 pm
Posts: 5941
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
I got to hoggy vadge and pretty much lost it.

_________________
"Hummus; a gentleman's vice." -- Mars

coldandsleepy cooks, THE BLOG!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:45 pm 
Offline
Dr Bronners, MD
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:58 pm
Posts: 4702
Location: Santa Cruz whoop whoop
Tofulish wrote:
Oprah had one where you had to tell your partner where you wanted to be touched in sequence before things got started (and vice versa), so it was supposed to be face, fingertips, shoulders, back of thighs, neck etc. and then your partner would say their sequence. I tried it once. My partner went "genitals."


STRAIGHT TO THE BALLS WOMAN AND NO TURNING BACK

(Yeah, uh, I did more-or-less what your partner there did. I was, I guess, not so erotic. "What would you like me to wear?" "Nothing!" "But..." "GET NAKED!")

_________________
"Trolling an internet message board, The Greatest Activism Of All." - pandacookie
Вы такие сексапильные, когда злитесь


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:48 pm 
Offline
Inflexitarian
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jun 03, 2012 10:17 am
Posts: 742
Location: Toronto
Confession: I think #17 could be fun!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:08 pm 
Offline
Plays The Sims 2 religiously
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:20 pm
Posts: 7279
Location: Portland, OR
Oh my gosh:

Quote:
35. "As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'"


Cannibalism is NOT OKAY, Cosmo!

_________________
i would schmear marmite on a moist scrotum for Mars. - interrobang?!
"Not everything." ~ mumbles (1973-2013) - mumbles


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:50 pm 
Offline
Kitchens Planning Manchester
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:28 pm
Posts: 2536
Location: Connecticut
Quote:
18. "Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body."

Now I love my peanut butter, but "peanut butter" and "erotic" are not words I would ever put in the same sentence. Ever.

_________________
"I never do anything you say, Isa. When I cook from VWAV and it says to add one cup of flour, I add three cups of olive oil! Now who wants some forking muffins??"-ExpiredSanity
Tumblr
Cast Iron & Cupcakes
I guess I have a Twitter now


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:50 am 
Offline
The Real Hamburger Helper
User avatar

Joined: Fri Dec 03, 2010 2:43 pm
Posts: 2249
Location: Wet and Windy Wiltshire
I erm what?

Quote:
"Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."
This is like saying "Try lifiting your girlfriend up by her vagina!"

I like the end ones about cheating
Quote:
"If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why."
He may be thinking about kittens, for example, or have just bought a new XBOX game.

Quote:
"Be especially careful if he is neat, well-groomed or spending more time at the gym."
A feral guy is a faithful guy, after all.

Quote:
"If his wardrobe is constantly changing, watch out!"
All men hate fashion. If we ruled the world, we would all just wear functional spandex jumpsuits.

Quote:
Not ecofriendly? It could be a sign that he'll trash your relationship too."
If your name is Gaia.

Quote:
"Keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network - he may need constant attention."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS? I'M THE ONLY FRIEND YOU NEED!

_________________
dropscone - "Ack, I'm no help, I just like to imagine as many people as possible eating roast potatoes."


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 4:35 am 
Offline
Banned from Vegan Freaks.
User avatar

Joined: Thu May 12, 2011 4:38 pm
Posts: 371
Location: Germany
Quote:
22. "Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best - its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit."


Deep throat spitting. Oh joy.

_________________
"In my mind, they're like the Westboro Church of veganism." - annak on PETA


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 5:15 am 
Offline
Has it on Blue Vinyl
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jan 05, 2011 7:44 pm
Posts: 2144
My sister's mother in law told me to wear makeup because it would pay off in the bedroom. My husband and I have good laughs about that one. Thankfully my own mother in law wanted to be a nun and will not be talkimg to me about sex ever.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 9:49 am 
Offline
Should Write a Goddam Book Already
User avatar

Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:14 pm
Posts: 1075
Location: 'Burbs of California
Rebekah wrote:
Quote:
22. "Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best - its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit."


Deep throat spitting. Oh joy.

Yeah, who wouldn't want their partner to hock a loogie on their junk??


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:02 am 
Offline
Semen Strong
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 18876
Location: Cliffbar NJ
You know the "put his penis in your mouth and then shake it all about" one? I've tried it and it just looks like you're having a seizure.

_________________
My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re:
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:03 am 
Offline
Dr Bronners, MD
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:58 pm
Posts: 4702
Location: Santa Cruz whoop whoop
Gulliver wrote:
Quote:
"Keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network - he may need constant attention."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS? I'M THE ONLY FRIEND YOU NEED!

Image

_________________
"Trolling an internet message board, The Greatest Activism Of All." - pandacookie
Вы такие сексапильные, когда злитесь


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:10 am 
Offline
Married to the wolfman
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:49 pm
Posts: 5941
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
What I don't understand about the saliva one is: what are you then using this concoction for? Or are we just hocking for funsies?

_________________
"Hummus; a gentleman's vice." -- Mars

coldandsleepy cooks, THE BLOG!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:28 am 
Offline
Should Write a Goddam Book Already
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:09 am
Posts: 1080
Location: Denver
These are amazing. Are they written by people who have never had sex/don't understand how sex works?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re:
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:37 am 
Offline
Inflexitarian
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:31 am
Posts: 743
Gulliver wrote:

I like the end ones about cheating
Quote:
"If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why."
He may be thinking about kittens, for example, or have just bought a new XBOX game.


As a default, your guy should be super miserable in your relationship! If he's not miserable, something is up.

_________________
Obligatory blog.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:38 am 
Offline
Inflexitarian
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:31 am
Posts: 743
coldandsleepy wrote:
What I don't understand about the saliva one is: what are you then using this concoction for? Or are we just hocking for funsies?


I think it's for lube. Why reach for the KY when you can just spit on each other?

_________________
Obligatory blog.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:39 am 
Offline
Prefers Jar Jar Binks over Han Solo
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 2:54 am
Posts: 2096
Location: Munich, finally!
I am totally going to put masking tape on someone's mouse someday. I need to make a note in my calendar on April 1st so I don't forget next year!

_________________
I dunno, I guess I just get enthused over eating big ol' squishy balls. - Interrobang?!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:18 pm 
Offline
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:35 pm
Posts: 6647
Location: Norristown, PA
I am laughing so hard right now I can hardly see my computer.

_________________
Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:05 pm 
Offline
Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:47 pm
Posts: 1810
Location: vancouver island
quark wrote:
coldandsleepy wrote:
What I don't understand about the saliva one is: what are you then using this concoction for? Or are we just hocking for funsies?


I think it's for lube. Why reach for the KY when you can just spit on each other?

Ugh, I keep imagining someone whipping out a tablespoon and stirring saliva and water in a little bowl. Blech. Did they really think they needed to include measurements?

_________________
when you realise how perfect everything is, you will tilt you head back and laugh at the sky. -buddha


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:14 pm 
Offline
Level 7 Vegan
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:30 pm
Posts: 1570
Location: Maine
"My lips can't resist your delicious, beer-flavored face." I have said that exact thing to my man so many times.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 79 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Template made by DEVPPL/ThatBigForum and fancied up by What Cheer