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 Post subject: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:16 pm 
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http://jezebel.com/5919206/cosmos-44-mo ... s-sex-tips?

Quote:
19. "Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples."
On an unrelated note, this is also a great way to train your cat not to pee on the rug.

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:28 pm 
Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan
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And here are Fox News' pranks to spice up a relationship:

http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/10-pranks-will-spice-your-relationship

Quote:
1. Put a small piece of masking tape on the bottom of his mouse, making sure it covers the trackball or optical sensor. Watch as he struggles to read his e-mail — and don’t forget to write “Gotcha!” on the tape.

2. This is one of our favorites and it can translate into a number of situations. Ask your guy to go to the supermarket and give him a list of made up things like dehydrated water, sweet salt or a blunt knife. If he’s into fixing things, send him to the hardware store for a glass hammer or cement humidifier. For the sports guy, tell him to grab a box of curveballs and meet you in the park after work. Beware though, this could keep him tied up for a while.


Yes, this totally won't get you an insta-divorce.

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:32 pm 
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Ha ha, men totally don't know what items really exist at grocery stores .

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:35 pm 
Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan
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Also:

Quote:
4."Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."


No, don't, please. It doesn't go back in.

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:36 pm 
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coldandsleepy wrote:
Ha ha, REAL men totally don't know what items really exist at grocery stores .


Fixed! If your husband can figure out that a glass hammer doesn't make sense, he can't be a REAL man (tm).

The sex tips are just so dumb. Oprah had one where you had to tell your partner where you wanted to be touched in sequence before things got started (and vice versa), so it was supposed to be face, fingertips, shoulders, back of thighs, neck etc. and then your partner would say their sequence. I tried it once. My partner went "genitals."

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But on a cold winter night, when the wind whispers through the trees and a bright, white moon hangs heavy in the air, you might hear a sad cry like someone thinking he knows what's best for you, and that'll be the white man a-passin' you by. just mumbles


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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:38 pm 
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I went in expecting bad ideas and picking out a couple of gems for some laffs but these are all gems. I found myself saying "NO" out loud after all of them. And someone was paid to write these. And someone is paying money to read them. And there might even be someone who is trying some of these.


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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:40 pm 
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I got to hoggy vadge and pretty much lost it.

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:45 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
Oprah had one where you had to tell your partner where you wanted to be touched in sequence before things got started (and vice versa), so it was supposed to be face, fingertips, shoulders, back of thighs, neck etc. and then your partner would say their sequence. I tried it once. My partner went "genitals."


STRAIGHT TO THE BALLS WOMAN AND NO TURNING BACK

(Yeah, uh, I did more-or-less what your partner there did. I was, I guess, not so erotic. "What would you like me to wear?" "Nothing!" "But..." "GET NAKED!")

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:48 pm 
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Confession: I think #17 could be fun!


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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:08 pm 
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Oh my gosh:

Quote:
35. "As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'"


Cannibalism is NOT OKAY, Cosmo!

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:50 pm 
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Quote:
18. "Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body."

Now I love my peanut butter, but "peanut butter" and "erotic" are not words I would ever put in the same sentence. Ever.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:50 am 
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I erm what?

Quote:
"Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."
This is like saying "Try lifiting your girlfriend up by her vagina!"

I like the end ones about cheating
Quote:
"If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why."
He may be thinking about kittens, for example, or have just bought a new XBOX game.

Quote:
"Be especially careful if he is neat, well-groomed or spending more time at the gym."
A feral guy is a faithful guy, after all.

Quote:
"If his wardrobe is constantly changing, watch out!"
All men hate fashion. If we ruled the world, we would all just wear functional spandex jumpsuits.

Quote:
Not ecofriendly? It could be a sign that he'll trash your relationship too."
If your name is Gaia.

Quote:
"Keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network - he may need constant attention."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS? I'M THE ONLY FRIEND YOU NEED!

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 4:35 am 
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Quote:
22. "Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best - its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit."


Deep throat spitting. Oh joy.

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 5:15 am 
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My sister's mother in law told me to wear makeup because it would pay off in the bedroom. My husband and I have good laughs about that one. Thankfully my own mother in law wanted to be a nun and will not be talkimg to me about sex ever.


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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 9:49 am 
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Rebekah wrote:
Quote:
22. "Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best - its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit."


Deep throat spitting. Oh joy.

Yeah, who wouldn't want their partner to hock a loogie on their junk??


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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:02 am 
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You know the "put his penis in your mouth and then shake it all about" one? I've tried it and it just looks like you're having a seizure.

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But on a cold winter night, when the wind whispers through the trees and a bright, white moon hangs heavy in the air, you might hear a sad cry like someone thinking he knows what's best for you, and that'll be the white man a-passin' you by. just mumbles


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 Post subject: Re:
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:03 am 
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Gulliver wrote:
Quote:
"Keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network - he may need constant attention."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS? I'M THE ONLY FRIEND YOU NEED!

Image

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:10 am 
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What I don't understand about the saliva one is: what are you then using this concoction for? Or are we just hocking for funsies?

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:28 am 
Should Write a Goddam Book Already
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These are amazing. Are they written by people who have never had sex/don't understand how sex works?


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 Post subject: Re:
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:37 am 
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Gulliver wrote:

I like the end ones about cheating
Quote:
"If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why."
He may be thinking about kittens, for example, or have just bought a new XBOX game.


As a default, your guy should be super miserable in your relationship! If he's not miserable, something is up.

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:38 am 
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coldandsleepy wrote:
What I don't understand about the saliva one is: what are you then using this concoction for? Or are we just hocking for funsies?


I think it's for lube. Why reach for the KY when you can just spit on each other?

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:39 am 
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I am totally going to put masking tape on someone's mouse someday. I need to make a note in my calendar on April 1st so I don't forget next year!

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:18 pm 
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I am laughing so hard right now I can hardly see my computer.

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:05 pm 
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quark wrote:
coldandsleepy wrote:
What I don't understand about the saliva one is: what are you then using this concoction for? Or are we just hocking for funsies?


I think it's for lube. Why reach for the KY when you can just spit on each other?

Ugh, I keep imagining someone whipping out a tablespoon and stirring saliva and water in a little bowl. Blech. Did they really think they needed to include measurements?

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 Post subject: Re: Worst sex tips ever
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:14 pm 
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