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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 10:16 am 
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Chip Strong
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That's awesome, tofulish! Sounds like such a nice day.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 9:34 pm 
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Semen Strong
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It was! And we had another nice day today! Went to a vegan BBQ with friends and we traded her off so each of us could eat, talk to friends and still have fun with her. It was so nice. Normally, I am balancing her on one arm and trying to dodge her little hands to get food and drink into my face.

Funny tangent, she is now getting so heavy that I have muscle ache, like after a hard bicep workout, from carrying her on my arm at the beach. Normally she is in the ergo (a million thanks to melc for the gift <3 ) so I don't notice how much she weighs.

I really really really hope we've turned a corner!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 3:25 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Apparently my husband is terrified that he has lung cancer. He used to smoke 3 packs a day for 20 years and grew up around his step-dad, a heavy smoker, who died of lung cancer a few years ago. Ugh.

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My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 3:34 pm 
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***LIES!!!***
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Ugh indeed! Two choices if you're thinking you're dying from a horrible disease: a) Go to the doctor and get checked out or b) Be neurotic about it and think if you go to the doctor it will just make it more real. I would choose A.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 3:47 pm 
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We So Excited
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Ugh is right. It sounds like husband has a lot of anxiety.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 4:18 pm 
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Semen Strong
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He does and he is getting it checked out, it just boggles my mind that he goes to lung cancer without considering that maybe his body needs adequate rest to get over his 6 month cold. Anyway, I hope he hears good news soon.

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My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 1:47 pm 
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Semen Strong
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I am the biggest crasshole.

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My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:23 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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What happened? Are you okay? Is he okay?

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Mal: We're still flying.
Simon: That's not much.
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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:26 pm 
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Semen Strong
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They found something on the x-ray. CT scan next week... Its just given his history, this is all really scary. Hopefully we get good news soon. In the interim, it really puts everything into perspective.

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My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:32 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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I'll be thinking of your family, tofulish.

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Mal: We're still flying.
Simon: That's not much.
Mal: It's enough.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 8:28 pm 
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Should Write a Goddam Book Already
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Thinking of you guys too, Tofulish.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:07 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Thank you! I appreciate it. I just didn't think anything like this could happen right now. Despite having had 2 friends die of cancer before they were 40, I still always think its an old person's disease, which it isn't. Wishful thinking, I expect.

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My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:36 pm 
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Married to the wolfman
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Tofulish, that's so scary. I hope you know more soon... He and your family are in my thoughts.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:59 pm 
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The Real Hamburger Helper
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Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear about that. My thought are with you guys.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:13 pm 
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Fair trade, organic mistletoe
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<3<3

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"But really, anyone willing to dangle their baby in front of a crocodile is A-OK in my book."~SSD


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:59 pm 
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Making Threats to Punks Again
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hugs and good thoughts and energy for you, L and especially B, Tofulish.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 12:59 am 
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The Real Hamburger Helper
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Thinking of you Tofulish. I hope you get good news soon.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 5:41 am 
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Huffs Nutritional Yeast
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Just read this thread cause I'm having a hard time managing all the stresses of life and twin toddlers. I am constantly dissapointed by my inability to be the sweet loving partner that I intend to be, while in the moment. One of my major issues is lack of sleep.

Please be compassionate with yourself tofulish. It's crazy how hard it is to be a care giver without being able to get a break and it's super frustrating to see people that you care about not taking care of themselves the way you'd wish. You are awesome and patient and he's lucky to have you. Will be thinkin good thoughts for the two of you.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 7:08 am 
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Invented Vegan Meringue
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Thinking about you guys, tofulish. scary stuff :(

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 7:16 am 
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Seagull of the PPK
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Tofulish, I'm keeping you and Brett in my thoughts. Hang in there.

lurky mclurkerson wrote:
Just read this thread cause I'm having a hard time managing all the stresses of life and twin toddlers. I am constantly dissapointed by my inability to be the sweet loving partner that I intend to be, while in the moment. One of my major issues is lack of sleep.

LMcL, I've been there and looking back I really, really don't know how I did it. Mr T and I have talked about it recently and neither of us can believe that we survived. The twin toddler thing is not to be joked about. I wish I had had the presence of mind to want to be a good partner at the time, but I sure didn't-- I was just desperate to make it from one hour to the next and then drag my asparagus into bed and CRASH at the end of the day.

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Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 7:40 am 
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Semen Strong
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Location: Cliffbar NJ
Thanks! I really appreciate all the good thoughts. Its hard not to imagine the worst, but at least that makes you appreciate what you have. We had some good conversations, some tears and watched fireworks and read stories to L together, and it was so nice. Let us see what today brings :)

And +1 on the twin toddler piece. My stepsister had twin boys and said it was a marathon of work, and I have so much respect for her ability to juggle it all. I know it was hard on her relationship too. They then had a singelton and my sister said that she is her "fun baby" because everything is so much easier if you"re just doing it once!

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My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 8:27 am 
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Seagull of the PPK
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So, I am going to write my update here. I have been having connection problems so I wrote one and lost one on Saturday, which is good, because on Saturday I was ready to abandon my family and go home to my mother.

FishyChips has been really continuing to have trouble and to be rude, disrespectful and is doing badly in school. Still. It peaked last week when she insisted on going to an animation festival despite failing math (hiding her report card so she could go). Sadly, Mr T doesn't want to fight or cause any discord, so he doesn't get why I "cause problems" and "make fights." And tells her that "mom is crazy" or "don't ask PMS mommy for anything". Which is really, really not appreciated.
I basically put in my two weeks' wife notice on Saturday, and said I would not stay in this marriage any more if he didn't respect me as a parent. He doesn't have to discipline the kid, but he cannot undermine me any more or I am out of here. I tried to buy a plane ticket but this stupid connection wouldn't allow the transaction to go through. Then I went out and didn't come back til Sunday night. Stayed with some friends. Got about 100 phone calls from Repentant FishyChips.
This week has been cautiously better. Mr T has said he needs me to stay, which is as close to an apology as he gets (never apologizes, which is frustrating sometimes, but he just can't). FC has promised to be better and she has been helping a lot more, and even studying English and Japanese (these are extracurriculars for her, with me, and she has resisted them for months).
So I guess things aren't as bad as I thought they were. Things are really tough for us right now, financially, I lost a lot of clients in the month that I was offline, and even my teaching gig is not particularly fruitful right now. But it will look up soon, I'm sure, so I am not worried.

I am trying to find some extracurricular for FishyChips, like maybe an exercise class or something, because she needs some kind of mood stabilizer. Therapy here isn't much of an option, culturally or financially, so we need to think of some other way to help her deal with the usual teenage crepe (which is what I think she's got to deal with). I'm thinking some kind of exercise that has her interact with other people (since her friends are crummy influences, and we live in a different city from the one she goes to school in, so she has no local friends). But everything is "stupid", the gym, taekwondo, capoeira, everything except for the swimming gym, which i can't afford. Damn kid has champagne tastes and we have a Great Value budget. I'm thinking of going to Step class with her (since I, deep down, also think it's stupid). My mom thinks we need something to do together in a neutral place, and I think she might be right.
So, that's it. Also, she has three weeks of Winter Break starting tomorrow (gulp), and Saturday we have to go to a wedding and have 6 hours each way with the Evil Spinster Aunt in the same car with me: the one who rips apart everyone's decisions, which is OK, but she is one of these people who chews with her mouth open whilst standing so close to you that you can smell her food. Last time I gagged and backed away and made a scene (i don't want your BBQ fumes in my mouth, woman). I have to dress up like a monkey in heels and all I can say is that I will definitely get my money's worth out of the wedding gift, alcohol wise.
I think we all need some tranquilizers.
Anyway, thazzanews.

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Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 8:50 am 
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Semen Strong
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Location: Cliffbar NJ
I am so sorry torque. Its really unacceptable to teach FC that she can enroll her Dad into ganging up on you with her, and frankly calling you PMS-Mommy is so invalidating because it implies that your feeling that being lied to is unacceptable is irrational. And he is totally making you the "bad" parent and she is smart enough to know how to play his need to be liked. I assume couples counseling isn't an option at the moment, but if you have any support structures that are third party, where you can get a neutral observer to help negotiate this (maybe someone from your Quaker community?), I'd give it a shot.

As far as FC, she is super-smart and I wonder if it might also help to engage her brain and heart - maybe volunteer with the less fortunate? Find a program where she can volunteer with an adult that isn't you, and I bet she'll do amazing - and probably be the star, because she does like to please people.

Good luck with the wedding, your marriage, FC's winter break and your business. You're an awesome and inspiring woman, and I know you're going to get through this really well, and teach us all a thing or two for when we're dealing with the same teenage things! Much love to you T!

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My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 10:57 am 
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Because Bob Barker Told Me To
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Oh how scary Tofulish :-( I'll be thinking about you guys.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 10:38 pm 
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Huffs Nutritional Yeast
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Location: Denverish
Tofulish - I think that you're right. If you're lucky enough to recognize it, every struggle makes you savor the good stuff. Sometimes it's the only way to realize that there is good going on. Weirdo offer - but I live right by Kayas. If you guys are ever down here again and want a coupla hours to yourself I could watch L for ya. Moving away in Oct though...

Torque - uggh - sorry to hear that. Sounds super frustrating. Good luck with the wedding - enjoy your booze! I think that tofulish's suggestions are great. Maybe she could even find a way to volunteer at the swimming gym in exchange for some time. I had several arrangements like that when I was young. Another great volunteer experiance could be working with adults with developmental disabilities. I worked at a day center and volunteers were sorely needed/greatly appreciated.

Good luck with all of the financial stuff too. With ya in that struggle. Just figure that by the time we have money we'll be great with it cause we're so used to being frugal.


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