Worst sex tips ever

solipsistnation · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 11:53 pm

Tofulish wrote:

Though they did get one thing right.

Quote:

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."
A unexpected loss for Team Surprise Anal.

Honestly though, I wonder who the 19% are who enjoy surprise(d) buttsecks.

Me too.

So you know, if you have their phone numbers, or know their addresses, just, uh. You know, for science.

fauxfrancais · **Posted:** Fri Jun 29, 2012 1:12 pm

I can't stop laughing

Quote:

24. “Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.” To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.”
Or you could just rub her feet with your hands, you dick. Anyway, in my mind, people who say “trotters” and “johnson” in the same sentence don’t get to have mutually orgasmic sex.

Veg_Eric · **Joined:** Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:34 am **Posts:** 2230

Most recent sex tip/suggestion I've seen on the internet: (nsfw)

Spoiler: show

Tea · **Posted:** Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:21 pm

^^^^^
I think that belongs in a separate "Best sex tips ever" thread.

Tofulish · **Posted:** Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:54 pm

I totally want to bang a beardo now.

Mr. Shankly · **Posted:** Sat Jun 30, 2012 9:22 am

crowderpea wrote:

Surprise him by sprinkling grill seasoning in his boxers before he goes to work. If he asks any questions, tell him you want his meat to be ready when he gets home.

I'd definitely read your magazine.

Mr. Shankly · **Posted:** Sat Jun 30, 2012 9:50 am

I clicked on this link as well and found this tip:

Quote:

And then you tap her butt, and learn to say things like:

"Your asparagus is so f-in hot. I just want to bite it."

It reminded me of the time one of my housemates was talking to some guy on OKC and he said he wanted to "bite her butt" to her and she immediately called me over to look at it. We just stood there like, "what the fizzle?" It was one of the funniest/weirdest/creepiest things I've seen someone say to a woman.

bekki · **Posted:** Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:17 pm

crowderpea wrote:

Surprise him by sprinkling grill seasoning in his boxers before he goes to work. If he asks any questions, tell him you want his meat to be ready when he gets home.

More, please!

Mr. Shankly wrote:

It reminded me of the time one of my housemates was talking to some guy on OKC and he said he wanted to "bite her butt" to her and she immediately called me over to look at it. We just stood there like, "what the fizzle?" It was one of the funniest/weirdest/creepiest things I've seen someone say to a woman.

Not quite the same as ass-biting, but I once had a dude lick my face. Freaked me right the fork out. I was at work (waitress) and it was kind of traumatic, not to mention I was 20 and he was at least 15 years older than me (meaning it couldn't be chalked up to weird adolescent inexperience, not that that would have made it better). Aaaand his drunk asparagus didn't get kicked out because he was a semi-regular customer with lotsa $$$

joshua · **Posted:** Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:31 pm

bekki wrote:

Not quite the same as ass-biting, but I once had a dude lick my face. Freaked me right the fork out. I was at work (waitress) and it was kind of traumatic, not to mention I was 20 and he was at least 15 years older than me (meaning it couldn't be chalked up to weird adolescent inexperience, not that that would have made it better). Aaaand his drunk asparagus didn't get kicked out because he was a semi-regular customer with lotsa $$$

what? some dude just randomly licked your face at work? how does that even happen? and fork your employers for not kicking him the fork out. no one needs money from fuckwits like that.

ijustdiedinside · **Joined:** Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:43 pm **Posts:** 8684

coldandsleepy wrote:

I got to hoggy vadge and pretty much lost it.

hahah me too! i was laughing so much my eyes were watering and i had to take off my glasses and couldn't read anymore.

Tofulish · **Posted:** Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:43 pm

Mr. Shankly wrote:

crowderpea wrote:

Surprise him by sprinkling grill seasoning in his boxers before he goes to work. If he asks any questions, tell him you want his meat to be ready when he gets home.

I'd definitely read your magazine.

Yes! We need KarynMC aka DangerZone's Badvice and your sextiplets.

booberthefraggle · **Posted:** Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:48 pm

bekki wrote:

Not quite the same as ass-biting, but I once had a dude lick my face. Freaked me right the fork out. I was at work (waitress) and it was kind of traumatic, not to mention I was 20 and he was at least 15 years older than me (meaning it couldn't be chalked up to weird adolescent inexperience, not that that would have made it better). Aaaand his drunk asparagus didn't get kicked out because he was a semi-regular customer with lotsa $$$

okay the face licking is super strange, along similar but much less traumatic lines: some guy once did that to me while we were making out. just like, pulled back and licked my face from jaw to temple.

crowderpea · **Posted:** Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:59 pm

"Seductively wrap your man's shaft in duct tape, all the while telling him how you are going to spend hours and hours lasciviously pulling it off with your teeth. He'll be turned on by your dedication."

crowderpea · **Posted:** Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:01 pm

"Surprise him at work with lunch. Bring a tub of yogurt, and when he sits down for his meal, shimmy as you dip your boob in the yogurt. You'll have him craving homemade lunches every day!"

Tofulish · **Posted:** Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:15 pm

crowderpea wrote:

"Seductively wrap your man's shaft in duct tape, all the while telling him how you are going to spend hours and hours lasciviously pulling it off with your teeth. He'll be turned on by your dedication."

I have to try this!

Mr. Shankly · **Posted:** Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:18 pm

This is quickly turning into one of my favorite threads.

PonyPal · **Posted:** Sun Jul 01, 2012 6:43 pm

def putting rhinestones around my nipples for special occasions from now on.

paprikapapaya · **Posted:** Sun Jul 01, 2012 6:45 pm

PonyPal wrote:

def putting rhinestones around my nipples for special occasions from now on.

note to self: adhesive rhinestones, not bedazzled ones. ouch.

limwen · **Posted:** Wed Jul 04, 2012 3:39 am

Husband and I have alternatively lol'd and been in pain for this whole thread.

solipsistnation · **Posted:** Wed Jul 04, 2012 12:38 pm

limwen wrote:

Husband and I have alternatively lol'd and been in pain for this whole thread.

You should probably stop trying things as you read.

limwen · **Posted:** Wed Jul 04, 2012 3:10 pm

solipsistnation wrote:

limwen wrote:

Husband and I have alternatively lol'd and been in pain for this whole thread.

You should probably stop trying things as you read.

Aha, oops, didn't realise it'd scan like that!

baps · **Posted:** Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:56 pm

ijustdiedinside wrote:

coldandsleepy wrote:

I got to hoggy vadge and pretty much lost it.

hahah me too! i was laughing so much my eyes were watering and i had to take off my glasses and couldn't read anymore.

Me and my hoggy vadge are both still laughing.

Fizzgig · **Posted:** Thu Jul 05, 2012 2:28 pm

Quote:

15. "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off."
How big a bucket of edible body paint would you need to dip your breasts in it? And what sort of weirdly dexterous breasts allow for painting? Doesn't this just involve lunging at him like a brightly-colored walrus?

Brightly colored walrus...yesss.

Dandelion · **Posted:** Sat Jul 07, 2012 9:40 am

Fizzgig wrote:

Quote:

15. "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off."
How big a bucket of edible body paint would you need to dip your breasts in it? And what sort of weirdly dexterous breasts allow for painting? Doesn't this just involve lunging at him like a brightly-colored walrus?

Brightly colored walrus...yesss.

Some of us could probably manage with a normal-sized paint container...
IBTC flicks the weasel

EDIT: I didn't know about the F.TW filter, but it's oddly appropriate?

bekki · **Posted:** Sat Jul 07, 2012 12:32 pm

Dandelion wrote:

Fizzgig wrote:

Quote:

15. "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off."
How big a bucket of edible body paint would you need to dip your breasts in it? And what sort of weirdly dexterous breasts allow for painting? Doesn't this just involve lunging at him like a brightly-colored walrus?

Brightly colored walrus...yesss.

Some of us could probably manage with a normal-sized paint container...
IBTC flicks the weasel

EDIT: I didn't know about the F.TW filter, but it's oddly appropriate?

wait...flicks the weasel makes that? thank you for pointing that out it's confused the hell out of me forever.

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