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 Post subject: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:10 pm 
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Bought a used copy of Natural Harvest
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I know people sometimes hate these threads but I've never done one and I need to!

My whole situation with my family is bumming me out so much.

My mother is an alcoholic. My father, her ex-husband, is a drug addict. They divorced about 2 years ago, but in the last 6 months they have started "dating" again. And by "dating", I mean, my selfish mother has detected that my father still loves her and would do anything to win her back, and she is totally taking advantage of it. She is draining him financially (and he is unemployed), as she lets him buy her everything - groceries, alcohol, drugs and he just remodeled her bathroom and paid for all of it. HER bathroom! They don't live together.
But the flipside is, he knows she is an alcoholic and is using that to HIS advantage. He buys her alcohol so she gets drunk and wants to party and spend time with him. I have told him on several occasions it is irresponsible to buy her alcohol when she has a problem with it, and that he is not being a good friend to her by doing that. He continues to do it anyway, because it serves him.

My mom is like poison to my dad. When they divorced and weren't on good terms yet, I finally started building the relationship with my dad that I always wanted. He was not present when I was a child - there, physically, but in a haze of drugs. The only time he would ever speak to me was to yell at me and tell me I was stupid and lazy. Then my mom left him, he had nothing left, and I think he realized how he messed things up so badly with my brother and I and we started patching things up. He was my dad, like a real dad! Something I had never had before. That's totally gone to shiitake, now, he is so obsessed with drugs and my mom again that I have only spoken to him once in 2 months - via text message, which I initiated.

When I visit either one of them, they are always together, drunk and stoned beyond belief. Slurring their words, stumbling, laughing at nothing at all. It's so pathetic and maddening to feel like you are babysitting your parents. They know I don't drink or do drugs because of my upbringing with them, and yet they STILL offer me drugs every time I visit. Um, no forking thanks.

And when my mom is drunk, she likes to text me and tell me how I think I'm so great because I'm vegan, and to get off my "high horse". She also makes fun of the fact that I'm a graphic designer, again saying it makes me think I'm better than everyone because I have a good job (she has a crappy job). She refers to me as "princess" in a super derogatory way. I don't know where she gets all of this, since she honestly knows nothing about me and I have never said anything that would imply I think I'm better than anyone. It's all SO infuriating because I am so far from spoiled, I have worked my forking asparagus off for everything I have, I have had NOTHING handed to me in life. I worked hard to pay my way through school without a cent of money from my parents, and I have worked my asparagus off to get where I am at my job.

On top of all of this, my brother still lives with my mom and is super depressed (obviously) and he suffers from body dysmorphic disorder which is so bad he can't leave the house. I also believe he has some sort of paranoia because some of the things he says are just...crazy. He calls me up and tells me he wants to die all the time. What am I supposed to do with that? I have gone so far as to set up an appointment with a psychologist once, and he went once and declared it to be a "waste of time" and that he was "too screwed up for anyone to help him". I can't drag a 21 year old to the doctor...and is it really my responsibility to do so? I don't think so.

I want so badly to walk away from it all, I barely have any contact with them to begin with, but part of me is still wishing I could have a normal family. I know that won't ever happen, though. Sigh. It just hurts, though. And it's making me feel anxious, depressed, blah.

Can I get some love from my PPK family? Please?

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Last edited by paprikapapaya on Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:11 pm 
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Not NOT A Furry
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*Hugs* That's all, *hugs*

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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:12 pm 
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Super big hugs!


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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:14 pm 
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shiitake. i won't even pretend to understand. but love and hugs and support? yes. you can have those.

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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:15 pm 
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((hugs))


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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:22 pm 
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you are amazing <3 lots of love, hugs, and positive thoughts for you

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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:25 pm 
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Major hugs. Addiction is awful, and it affects the whole family. I'm sorry you're going through this right now.


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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:27 pm 
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TREMENDOUS hugs. My dad's a recovering alcoholic, and it SUCKITY SUCK SUCKS that this stuff had to happen, has such a lasting effect on us, deprives us of a healthy family...it's just not forking fair. It's not.

In the last few months, I've started doing the twelve steps of ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and it's really helping me. Highly recommended.


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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:28 pm 
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Awe, paprikapapaya, sometimes family can really suck. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of their crepe. No, you can't force a 21 year old to go to the doctor. Well, I suppose, if you think he is really in danger of harming himself or others you might be able to have him committed against his will. For your own well being, I'd say let them all know that if they really want help getting better you are there for them, but if they just want to wallow in their illnesses and self destructive behavior, you will not be spending time around them. I know that can be much easier said than done. Walking away can seem as painful as staying and letting them drag you down with them. Big hugs.

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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:28 pm 
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I would cut ties with your parents, but let your brother know you're still there for him.


- Estranged since 2004

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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:39 pm 
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I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. My mother is an alcoholic and addict, and she's in recovery now, but if things were like they were when I was sixteen or so...I wouldn't be able to speak to her at all. No matter what you decide to do (keep in contact, cut ties, whatever) al-anon or nar-anon might be helpful for you. Great big hugs, I hope your situation improves.

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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:43 pm 
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massive ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:43 pm 
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**huge hugs** it sounds like there's so much going on...

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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:44 pm 
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paprikapapaya wrote:
And when my mom is drunk, she likes to text me and tell me how I think I'm so great because I'm vegan, and to get off my "high horse". She also makes fun of the fact that I'm a graphic designer, again saying it makes me think I'm better than everyone because I have a good job (she has a crappy job). She refers to me as "princess" in a super derogatory way. I don't know where she gets all of this, since she honestly knows nothing about me and I have never said anything that would imply I think I'm better than anyone. It's all SO infuriating because I am so far from spoiled, I have worked my forking asparagus off for everything I have, I have had NOTHING handed to me in life. I worked hard to pay my way through school without a cent of money from my parents, and I have worked my asparagus off to get where I am at my job.


Hugs, hugs, hugs.

I quoted this to point out that what your mom texts/says to you has Nothing To Do With You. It is completely and totally her self-loathing and her realization that she will never be the strong, successful person that you have become - no thanks to her.

Repeat that to yourself - what my mom says has nothing whatsoever to do with me and my life. It is her self-loathing and shame talking.

I second the ACoA suggestion, or Al-Anon, or a personal therapist to learn how to cope with these people who created you. I think you need to figure out how to make and maintain boundaries so you are not constantly being hurt, and also what you can and can't do for your brother.


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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:46 pm 
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Hugs! I am sorry you have to deal with all that.


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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:47 pm 
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mrsbadmouth wrote:
I would cut ties with your parents, but let your brother know you're still there for him.


- Estranged since 2004


Yup.

And, if not only for the sake of your sanity but for the welfare of your brother, you have to set conditions for him to contact you, that's okay. You are there for him *if* he sees a psychologist is neither unreasonable, nor a sign that you don't love him. It is not your responsibility to wade through shiitake with them when you haven't any part in creating that shiitake.

And hugs.

P.S.: You don't owe an apology for starting this thread--yes, some people hate these kinds of threads and that's why you labeled it properly--so those who don't want to read it don't have to.

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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:49 pm 
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mrsbadmouth wrote:
I would cut ties with your parents, but let your brother know you're still there for him.

This. I can relate to a lot of this, unfortunately, and as hard as it is, there comes a point where you have to worry about what's best for you and let everyone else sort their own shiitake out. You can't fix them, and it's more likely than not that you'll only hurt yourself the more you try. I would try to stay in touch with your brother, or at least leave the lines of communication open, but wash your hands of your parents.

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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 3:07 pm 
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((Hugs)) I'm sorry you have to go through that. My dad is a martyrish alcoholic and its really unpleasant and draining to be around him and his everlasting pity parties. I can't imagine the dysfunction x 2

Quote:
I quoted this to point out that what your mom texts/says to you has Nothing To Do With You. It is completely and totally her self-loathing and her realization that she will never be the strong, successful person that you have become - no thanks to her.

Repeat that to yourself - what my mom says has nothing whatsoever to do with me and my life. It is her self-loathing and shame talking.

I second the ACoA suggestion, or Al-Anon, or a personal therapist to learn how to cope with these people who created you. I think you need to figure out how to make and maintain boundaries so you are not constantly being hurt, and also what you can and can't do for your brother.
This.


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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 3:09 pm 
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Level 7 Vegan
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Oh man, that sounds so freaking hard. I think some people have already given good advice. I especially like the idea of a support group.

And just so you know...I have no problem with these kinds of threads and I think you are brave for asking for support.


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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 3:12 pm 
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<3 <3 <3


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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 3:16 pm 
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Lots and lots of hugs. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.


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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 3:23 pm 
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I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this. I can't offer any better advice than anyone else already has, but I sincerely hope that the situation improves very soon xxx


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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 3:38 pm 
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Thank you thank you thank you.
All the hugs and good advice and all of are very good for me right now.
You guys are awesome.

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Did you notice the slight feeling of panic at the words "Chicken Basin Street"? Like someone was walking over your grave? Try not to remember. We must never remember. - mumbles
Is this about devilberries and nazifruit again? - footface


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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 3:52 pm 
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Oh my gosh, pp, I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this all your life. I can't offer any advice, but I can offer loads of hugs <3 xxx

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 Post subject: Re: Hugs and support please...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 4:15 pm 
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You rock, they suck, I want to hug you and your brother. <3


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