Post Punk Kitchen Forum

I see my new therapist today. I'm excited about finally working on extricating the things that I've only glazed over in the past decade. I'm grateful I have the strength to look at all of this head-on. I hope that strength lasts.

PS- I hate my diagnose(s). It's bad enough I have to be a recovering alcoholic, but I resent having mental illness to boot. Anyone else feel that way? I'm sure acceptance will come with time, I just puffy heart hate it right now. As much as I know normal doesn't exist anywhere, I just want to be thought of as a stable person, completely ordinary, and not a nutjob. I recognize that people probably don't feel that way about me, but I feel that way about me and that's not healthy.

I'm excited that you're excited and that you're going to a new therapist and that you feel strong enough to look at those things. You can do it! I wish you the best of luck. <3

Yes, except insert having a deformed hip instead of being a recovering alcoholic. I understand that chronic physical pain often goes hand in hand with depression and anxiety, which sucks.

However, I'm feeling a lot better at the moment, I think through a combination of little things. Really been making an effort to get exercise every day, have been to the gym and swimming a few times, made an effort to arrange going out with friends (even if I don't always have a good time, I think it's been useful to try to get back into the sociable state I used to be in).

I really think playing the ukulele has been a massive help too! Firstly, I love music and it's always bummed me out that I quit playing the piano when I was a teenager. The uke is easy enough to be able to play chords to quite a few songs straight away, which is a confidence boost. Plus apparently listening to music is clinically proven to help pain reduction, so I imagine playing and trying to sing at the same time is even better!

Session went well with new therapist. She's really a no BS sort of lady, which is nice and what I need. She did say we'll explore my sexual identity, which makes me kind of nervous because I have so many reservations about coming and staying out of the closet. Here, I know it is safe, but in real life I know that is the dissolving of my marriage and I don't want to think about that right now. I just want to get stable first.

You should be able to tell her that your sexual identity touches on subjects you aren't ready to think about yet. I don't know. My therapist told me recently that when I started there were things that I wasn't even willing to consider or think about that I'm thinking about now. I don't feel like she ever pushed me beyond what I could handle-but I can occasionally be very clear about what I'm not comfortable with-words or actions wise. (I'm almost always uncomfortable to a certain degree in therapy. I'm not sure she's ever seen a session go by without me fidgeting with my hands in some way-tossing keys, cracking knuckles, pushing them apart, tapping, etc, but it's the serious uncomfortable where I do not want to talk that I actually say something. She caught on to my levels pretty quickly I think)

good to hear, jewbacca. one thing at a time!

i also don't like my "baggage". even if it isn't making my life miserable, i know it's always there lurking in the background. i hate to have to tell my kid that all of this psychosis and depression in my family is probably making its way down the family tree to her branch, but it's true. it's not fair.

Mental illness runs in my family and I'm going through the realization that no matter how hard I've tried to now "be like them," I am in many ways and one of those ways is mental illness. It's not fair, but it is what it is. I used to resent it and be frustrated by it, but I'm learning to just accept it and find a way to move on.

My mother sometimes apologizes to me for my depression and other issues, because she herself knows how painful they are and that it's likely genetic. However, I have never blamed her. In many ways it just makes me hurt more for her because I know her pain, too. It's a point of connection and understanding for us. I'm sorry you feel this way, Torque, but your daughter is lucky to have such a wise mama that understands mental illness. It's worse when people don't get it. I know, a weird silver lining, but that's how I've seen it over the last year with my mom. We're so incredibly different, but on this issue, she gets me more than anyone else.

I'm away studying for the month and then going home to visit family. I'm excited, but also missing my weekly sessions. I know this is supposed to happen - even therapists go on vacation - but I worry I'm getting behind on things. I have this sense of urgency that I want to "fix" myself and that taking a vacation means I'm avoiding that. I am also paranoid that I'll slip into some depression while I'm gone.

I'm in Ireland at the moment and the weather is horrid and I've had a terrible cold for the last week that has made me want to stay in my dorm (concrete walls, ugh)...at least I have a ton of homework to throw myself into.

Hugs to everyone in this thread. Depression sucks.

I'm on my own personal roller coaster right now. I've applied for my dream job in a place that I want to live forever in, but from talking to the manager today, odds are slim to none that I'll get it. Why are they even interviewing me then?!

My life is falling apart. The weather here sucks (apparently seeing the sun is becoming a rarity even in the summer now). I'm not losing weight like I want and therefore not date-able to any decent men. I'm about to not get my dream job and I can't imagine living or working anywhere else. And since my birthday this year, I have never felt so alone in my life. I used to thrive on my independence, now it is just crippling and shattering me. it is just so damn hard to stay positive when it seems the all of my friends are leading such better lives and are in better places, figuratively.

Ugh.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, Scooter. I have to say that when I get down I also compare myself to other people, which makes it so much worse. If you can do some self talk to get yourself out of that place, I would try it. It's a terrible cycle.

What did the manager say? It seems like if they are interviewing you for it then there is a chance you will get it.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Who knows you and can bounce some things back at you? I know when I have friends do this it makes me realize how irrational some of my anxious/depressed thoughts are. Without someone to reflect them back it's hard for me to break out of the cycle.

Sending hugs to you.

My sense of self loathing has been flying out of control recently. I don't know how much of that is just happening from environmental factors versus how much is because this upcoming appointment has got me thinking about things again. I don't know what portion of my neuroses are self-fulfilling. But basically, on a regular basis I feel convinced that I'm the worst human being imaginable. Almost everyone around me is significantly more hard working and more competent and more socially capable than I feel that I can ever be, and I'm convinced that they know it and hate me for it, which makes me unreasonably depressed. The people who aren't make me unreasonably angry.

Pickled thanks so much for your post. xx. For some reason ever since I've turned 36 I feel more alone than ever.

The manager told me that I'm one of 4 applicants interviewing for 2 positions, and that the other 3 are very strong candidates - and internal employees. Frankly it makes me wonder why they're even bothering to interview me. Also, everyone else is getting interviewed early this week, and I can't interview until next Friday. So in my view, they've already made up their minds based on the other 3. I really don't have any clue how to blow their socks off; I have lots of experience but not lots of experience in this specialty. I don't know how to convey to them that this is my dream job without sounding desperate and whiny.

I could make an appt with a therapist; but really, how would that help? I don't want to be on meds, know that I'm depressed, and don't know how to be happy if I don't get this job. The weather in Seattle is seriously forking with my mental status. I don't know how to be happy with all the gray and rain & occasional ray of sunshine. I'm trying to move but if I dont get the job not sure what else I could do.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant. I appreciate your supportiveness.

Big hugs, Scooterdiva!

I know it's hard to think positively when you've gotten into a slump and can't seem to dig your way out, but I really think they wouldn't bother to interview you if there was no chance. Also, enthusiasm can go a long, long way (it's not the same as being whiny or desperate). I feel like enthusiasm has been what has gotten me most of the jobs I've wanted, despite lack of experience/connections. Also, even if it doesn't work out, that can't be the only job in the entire city, right? There are other options and it's not the only way to live in your dream city.

Also, please don't think you're undateable because you're not it your ideal weight - that's simply not true! Don't give up!

Just wondering, why don't you want to take medication?

Thinking of you Scooter! As pistaschio said, there's a reason they're interviewing you. I've gotten jobs that I wasn't necessarily qualified for because they wanted my personality or enthusiasm. You can teach skills, but not necessarily change someone's attitude.

And I think a therapist could help in a lot of ways, but sometimes we don't realize how until we're in it. I know I didn't until I bit the bullet and just made an appointment. One thing a therapist could help you with is learning how to be happy if you don't get this job...or just how to be happy without relying on outside circumstances. This is incredibly hard for me right now and I'm not *there* yet, but that's something we're working on in my sessions. I hang a lot of my self worth on my work performance and my job, which is really unhealthy (I know this), but it's a very hard cycle to break. I know I wouldn't be able to do that on my own without the help of therapy.

I'm so sorry the weather is so shitty. It's almost a guaranteed slump/sad day for me when it's overcast and I live in a gross/gray country. I've gotten a lamp and that has helped. (((hugs)))

How are you folks doing?

I need to get some stuff out and have been saying it all over the place, so I am going to say it here too, on the off chance it helps somehow.

when we moved, my dog was stolen. she was old, and sick, and i knew she wouldn't be with us much longer, but i wasn't expecting her to just disappear. You see, this dog was my other daughter's (not FishyChips, but my other daughter who is no longer with us) service dog. This dog was probably the only thing besides photos that remains of my daughter. I knew that one day she'd be gone too, but i just wasn't ready for it right now.
So, between the usual stress of moving and losing the dog, the grief shiitake got under my skin again. Then because misery loves company, grief about my father too, then add that to my mother who misses us terribly, and i started the dangerous stuff: cutting down my work schedule to almost nothing.

So here I am now with not enough work, and too much time for navel-gazing. Which, if you're reading this thread, you know usually doesn't help the situation. I thought i would write some more, since i love to write, but everything i write is even more depressing so it doesn't help.
I'm trying to get my work calendar built up again but it will take a while. In the meantime i am not sure how to use the time i have. i thought i would work on exercise but that's the same thing- i force myself to go and spend the whole time saying "no i can't". yesterday i was supposed to run for 45m and stopped after 2km. I made myself power walk the whole rest of the time, just so i wouldn't give up totally, so it wasn't a loss, really. Today i will make myself go again.

Other than that, not sure where to go. Volunteering is really only through church routes and i'm not sure i'm up for that. of course, without much work, money is pretty tight too. i'm trying to take one day at a time but now that i see it i wonder how i could let stuff get so out of control.

Oh torque...the story of your dog/daughter breaks my heart. I am so sorry.

You seem to be really clear on where you stand and what needs to happen with this state of depression, which as unhelpful as it sounds, is the first step. I think writing will help even if the content is depressing. I recently read some writing I did during a bad time in my life, and it was horrifying to me now, but I know at the time it was necessary for me to get out all of the sad stuff. Is there anywhere you can go for hikes? I find hiking a little bit gentler on the mind than running, but it's still great exercise and nature is a huge bonus. Big hugs to you.

My psychiatrist is leaving so my next appointment won't be for another 6-8 weeks and I am nervous. I loved my psych, she really listened and took my opinions into consideration when it came to meds etc. Not to mention that we were making plans for certain things if the abilify isn't enough and if I need long term sleeping pills so I am worried that the next psych might not follow through with the plans or deal with me in a different way. I was just getting comfortable and am just really at the beginning of my bipolar treatment, so I am a little unhappy.

Scooter, have you tried a sunlamp (or whatever those are called... the happy-light-lamp-things)? My best friend SWEARS by hers. She has her coffee in front of it every morning. Might be worth a shot, and they're a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy. :) Also, I know that the weather here can be on-and-off, but it really is getting sunnier. Try to take a walk on the pretty days. Hugs from a fellow Seattlite.

Torque I'm sending you hugs. I'm so sorry you're experiencing all this bullshiitake at the same time, though that seems to be the way it goes. I am really the last person to be preaching this since I never take the advice I need to when I get depressed, but what about starting a project? Not exercise or anything like that. But something new. Maybe a photo a day? There are a few lists going around - where you have a prompt each day. Might coax you into finding some positive amidst all the bad stuff and get your mind off things even for a moment.

If writing makes you feel like shiitake, don't do it. Not all supposed-cathartic exercises work for everyone. But I think you're on the right track. It sounds like you know yourself well enough to know what you need. I can't remember if you're seeing a counselor right now - are you?

thanks so much for your good thoughts and wisdom, guys. projects are awesome, and i love the idea of a thing a day. will be researching that.

pickledtreats, i'm off counseling for a while, i've had so much therapy for so long that i don't think i would get much out of having to explain and stir up everything all over again-might be good to have someone to keep accountable to, but that's about it. i've had a lot of bad shiitake happen, and i am pretty OK with it, but grief is sneaky, and is good at punching you in the face when you think it's gone.
so i'm doing a lot of accountability stuff- the guy at the gym knows to expect me every day and hassle me if i don't show, for example, and i have a few friends who are constantly poking with emails. god bless em all. and i'm saying things out loud lately, just so everyone's clear.

thanks for listening to me, and i hope that everyone has a better day tomorrow.

fork, I have that therapy thing tomorrow. What the hell am I doing.

Okay so that was an exciting three or four hours of questions.

Results: 1) I do not meet the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder
2) I definitely have more self-loathing and anxiety than is normal... so I guess maybe I should start posting in the anxiety thread instead.

I wasn't right for the program I was being assessed for, but they gave me a long list of resources to follow up on, so that is pretty cool.

Tea - I hope your therapy appointment went well!

I have my first appointment back in "the system" tomorrow morning. When I decided to go back on meds, my family doc wanted me to see a specialist because of my history with many meds... so tomorrow is that appointment. I get to repeat my story to a resident, then a psychiatrist. I don't know why I'm so nervous--part of me always feels like no one is going to believe me, and that they'll tell me that I should really just get it together and grow up.

My new meds (lamictal) have been helping somewhat, though. I'm hoping that we can raise the dosage again and get even better results.

Hope everyone is okay. Depression sucks.

I'm just going to reply to myself to say my shrink visit was AWESOME. After chatting with the resident for about 40 minutes, she brought the psychiatrist in and he said "What meds do YOU want to be on? You've got a big say in this decision." And I was kind of floored... (I'd described how my GP said my previous meds were "old-fashioned" and he wouldn't prescribe them to me, wanting me to try new meds). Being included as an actual human with power and feelings about things is not an experience I've had in the mental health system very often.

Glad to hear it went well, Tea! (This is it going well, yes?) Anyhow, I wanted to say I always enjoy your posts and have come to think of you as a pretty special person, I wish I lived in Toronto again so I could befriend you! Just in case you wanted to know what random internet strangers think.

Yes. I'd say it went well. I have a bad habit of reading the DSM IV and becoming convinced I have everything, ever; it's nice to have someone tell me my hypochondriac tendencies are wrong, while at the same time validating that I definitely would benefit from some help, and providing pointers to places to try first.

Specifically, it was suggested that I look for therapists doing MBCT. I don't know the details, but as it was explained to me it's intended for people who have been depressed previously but are currently okay, with the goal of preventing relapse.

Also: Thanks! You seem pretty cool, too. Have you ever read the Mars trilogy by Kim Stanley Robinson? It's all about you!