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 Post subject: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:57 am 
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I am considering adoption (a number of years in the future) for my second child. I am really just trying to learn more about adoption now. I am not infertile, but I thought that adoption might be a good choice for me.

One of the things that concerns me about adoption is people that want to be mothers giving up their children for adoption because they don't have the resources to care for a child, and then me getting that child because I do. But I also see that adoption can help a child that needs help and the birth parents that don't want to be parents. How do you make sure that an adoption is ethical and the best thing for the child and the birth parents?

I understand there is open adoption, and I am pretty sure if I were to adopt I would want to do it that way, so that there is some knowledge there going both ways.

Does anyone have any experience with adoption, from any perspective?


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 Post subject: Re: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:09 pm 
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Thanks for starting this thread! Our plan has been to have one biological child and then adopt. We're still getting to know Freya, but just the other day started talking about when we might hope to be ready to add munchkin #2 and how we could go about that.

When we were ttc the bean, a girl posted on another (vegetarian) message board that we frequented at the time, and was accidentally pregnant and hoping to give her baby to a vegetarian or vegan family!


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 Post subject: Re: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:27 pm 
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i'm very interested in this too. Right now my husband and i are looking at what our options are, but it is likely we aren't having any other kids, so i am hoping will be looking into adoption by the end of the year. My grandmother is a social worker who used to work in adoption for 20+ years, and i have a couple close friends who have adopted in different ways. It seems like every situation has been a little different. State requirements for foster to adopt are vastly different from adopting overseas. I do have a relative who adopted two newborns, both mixed race, and both with other issues privately in the states, but it was with a christian agency who basically placed with christian families.


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 Post subject: Re: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 9:26 am 
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I think there was a thread about adoption a while ago, maybe it was sunflower who was looking into adoption and she posted a lot of what she was going through.


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 Post subject: Re: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:34 am 
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I am adopted, so I have experience from that end.

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 Post subject: Re: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 11:04 am 
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kfad wrote:
I am adopted, so I have experience from that end.


Do you have any experiences related to being adopted that you feel comfortable sharing? I imagine when people know you are adopted they ask you intrusive questions a lot.


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 Post subject: Re: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 11:42 am 
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kimba wrote:
kfad wrote:
I am adopted, so I have experience from that end.


Do you have any experiences related to being adopted that you feel comfortable sharing? I imagine when people know you are adopted they ask you intrusive questions a lot.


I will share every thing I know. I really will. I work with a group of adult adoptees and generally speaking we feel that the child is lost in the discussion. Not as a child, but as an adult and many many adoptees feel lost.

Which sounds more negative than it is. My brother and my sister are also adopted and have radically different experiences than mine. My brother was found by his birth mom. My sister is racially mixed. And on and on.

One thing (and you said you were wanting a more open adoption, so this may be a moot point) is that both my sister and I have health issues from neglectful pregnancies. And from genetics our birth mothers held back. And I know we are not the only ones. (again, with the negative, I am really sorry)

On a happier note, When I was young I used to be terrified that my birth mother would find me. That she would take away my mom and dad. Because, when all is said and done, the work of parenting is the parenting and not the birthing.

Ask me anything about it, really. And I will answer honestly, and with as much info as I can.

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 Post subject: Re: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 12:19 pm 
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Thank you for sharing. Please don't feel bad about sharing the negative, I think that's really important to hear. Are there things you hoped your parents would have done differently regarding the adoption, how they talked with you about adoption, how they talked to you about your birth parents, or whether they involved you in counseling? Are there regulations regarding adoption you wish were different, like how birth certificates are handled?


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 Post subject: Re: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 12:35 pm 
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I have a sister who is adopted from China, she was abandoned in a hospital waiting room only a few days or weeks old (memory fuzzy). I've honestly never even considered the ethics of who to adopt, but that kind of opened my eyes a little. My sister has no idea who her birth mother is and I imagine she's curious, but it's not something we've ever talked about, so I don't know about that aspect. What I do know is that myself and my family all love her and that she knows that.

Additionally, if you adopt a child of a different race from yours, there are a lot of politics that come up there and it's definitely something you need to be at least willing to deal with and there will be a learning curve and things you have to handle in certain ways that you wouldn't have expected. (I'm speaking from a white queer identity here, for full disclosure and my experiences have been with white parents, one which is male/female and the other female/female, both of which have biological children as well as an adopted child)

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 Post subject: Re: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 1:03 pm 
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kimba wrote:
Thank you for sharing. Please don't feel bad about sharing the negative, I think that's really important to hear. Are there things you hoped your parents would have done differently regarding the adoption, how they talked with you about adoption, how they talked to you about your birth parents, or whether they involved you in counseling? Are there regulations regarding adoption you wish were different, like how birth certificates are handled?


In my house adoption was never a negative thing. It was always just a fact. Mom and dad cant' have babies so we found babies that needed homes. It probably helped that my siblings are both black. I am not. So it is pretty clear. And I vividly remember going to get my sister. But, my parents had had a lot of foster babies so...

The struggle in our house was the not talking about birth parents. I just (and I am 43) found out that my birth mother was only 17 and trying to go to college. A big part of this is actually the fault of the birth parents of my siblings. My brother is a product of a very traumatic ordeal and my sister was not wanted by her mother because she is black. Because of the negativity, my mom and dad did not want us to know that we weren't wanted in such dramatic ways. I get it now, but it left a feeling of "we just do not talk about it" when I was young.

I know on my birth certificate my mom is on there (as requested by my birth mother, I guess), because I was actually adopted so very young. I have never seen my siblings certificates.

From a purely pragmatic point of view, I wish the medical screenings were better. I have a heart condition that will never not affect me that is likely genetic, but we won't know. My sister has epilepsy, also likely genetic, and we were never told until she was diagnosed, just three years ago. I know that you can't really force people to be honest. But I think that in an open adoption the lines of trust and communication could be strengthened and you could get that info.

One of the things that the people in my group seem to ask the most is "Where do I come from" but not who. I have gotten the sense that a sense of cultural belonging is really important to them. And for me... it is interesting. I am, as I said, white, but I am frequently asked if I am Hispanic or Native. I just don't know.

I will always say that when it comes to adoption it is so important to the child that the parent be open and honest and approachable about it. Finding out things later in life is hard. My sister still has no idea how negative her birth mother was towards her and if she finds out now...

Counseling was not really available where I grew up. But my parents would have been the type to do whatever I needed.

And with the different race issue, there comes a whole new set of questions. For instance, my brother really needed to feel connected with his race (he is Cuban). My sister, not so much.

Really, that is important too, each child will be so different in their needs.

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 Post subject: Re: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 2:11 pm 
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It really helps to hear stories from different perspectives, especially since like you said, each child is so different. Thanks for sharing. I previously thought that kids would for sure need to know why they were put up for adoption (there has to be a better term for that?), but hearing some of your family's story, I can see why that would be appropriate to keep from kids in some situations. I just can't imagine what your sister would think if she knew. I think that would be so hard. At the same time, it seems like it was hard for you not knowing and not being able to talk about it. Depending on the situation, it would probably be really hard for parents to know what is the right thing to do too.

I have been reading birth mother stories online the last couple days and it's been kind of sad. It seems like there are a lot of people who knew they were doing the right thing for their kid or who had good experiences with keeping contact with the adoptive parents, but a lot of people who felt pressured, for example by grandparents or an agency, to let their kid be adopted, and really regretted it.

I am pretty sure if we were to adopt, we would adopt a latino baby or child, so the race issues we would deal with would be ones that we are used to. I wish we could adopt from Costa Rica, where my husband is from and his family still lives, but it would be an older child and I am not sure if that would be right for us. If we adopt, we would like to have the child be younger than our current child. However, I have been reading profiles of older kids needing adoption from the foster system and that is pretty heartbreaking. I think we have a long way to go and a lot to learn before making any decisions.


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 Post subject: Re: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 3:20 pm 
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I have to say, it is so great to see you going and doing so much research. My cousin just adopted a baby from somewhere in Africa, and has no interest in hearing stories about what she may face. It is frustrating that she says that she saved his life and that is all that matters and that is all he will hear. But he will be full of questions if all his siblings are so different.

I am a strong believer in when it is right it will all work out.

Good luck and feel free to message me.

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Don't mind my breasts and vagina, I'm a gay man.---Idatetatooedguys.

"Tots: the universal food band-aid... better than a mother's kiss. Healin' wounds since 1954." Meggs


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 Post subject: Re: Learning about adoption
PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:11 pm 
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My husband and I adopted our daughter after fostering. She came to us at 2 days old and was withdrawing from a lot of different drugs. She was mostly healthy and now aside from being VERY energetic (I wouldn't be surprised if she had an ADHD diagnosis down the road), she is totally healthy and happy and SO smart! She has 3 biological siblings and we have contact with one of them whoneas adopred by another family 45 minutes away. He is also bright and healthy. If I can help in any way, just ask.


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