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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 10:26 am 
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Tofulish wrote:
I also wonder how much is the stupid fear of whether he has cancer, overwhelm about needing to change his diet, etc that is driving this. We both feel like we can't take One More Thing.

I had a mini-meltdown (didn't yell or scream or anything, just got overwhelmed) when he asked me to revisit Leela's diet with our acupuncturist, because Chinese medicine says no flours and no fruit and a ton of other restrictions that is going to make BLW much less fun. According to CM, her immune system is just developing and the flours, sugars etc will overload her gut, which is the seat of the immune system, causing life-long health issues and allergies. No pressure or anything.

A friend of mine told me that her cousin was just diagnosed with lung cancer. He is 33 and it is everywhere. He was fine in October, had a cough for 5 months and literally in 2 weeks between x-rays the nodule became a mass on both sides with mets throughout his body. He is at Sloan Kettering and if chemo doesn't work he has 2 weeks to live. It is just blowing my mind how fast lung cancer moves.

And Brett isn't willing to get a CT scan until he has insurance even though he could get one for under $300. I wish I just knew for sure it isn't cancer and then we could deal with everything else, but with that over us too, it feels very daunting.


Regarding Leela's diet...it's wonderful that he is concerned about her but why isn't he concerned with trying to do what the acupuncturist is advising him to do with his diet? As Leela gets older and sees him eating the way he does she will want to do the same. I see it with Reno and the junk I'll sometimes occasionally eat. I've had to change my diet for the better for my kids.

Regarding the possible lung cancer. My father in law and aunt in law died from lung cancer. You know my FIL died 2 months after it was found and it spread everywhere! Same with my aunt in law but she lived for about a year or so before it spread everywhere...hers started with months of coughing like the person you mentioned. Now my "second mother" has lung cancer that has spread to her bones actually EATING the bones...she is missing a rib because of the cancer and now the bones in her neck are going! A few months ago she didn't have the cancer. HE NEEDS TO GET CHECKED OUT!!!! Especially since he can get one done for under $300. Possible lung cancer is no joke.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 1:10 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
I had a mini-meltdown (didn't yell or scream or anything, just got overwhelmed) when he asked me to revisit Leela's diet with our acupuncturist, because Chinese medicine says no flours and no fruit and a ton of other restrictions that is going to make BLW much less fun. According to CM, her immune system is just developing and the flours, sugars etc will overload her gut, which is the seat of the immune system, causing life-long health issues and allergies. No pressure or anything.


Something about the way this seems to be shifting the responsibility to you (and simultaneously undermining you) strikes me as a little concerning. Honestly, I'd be surprised if there is good evidence to support this position. I understand why it might be a concern if there's a family history of allergies, but it might make sense to ask someone who actually specializes in that area for advice before making restrictions that may do more harm than good. It's also important to remember that you can do everything right and still end up with a health problem. Obviously allergies are no fun, but it would seem that you have more immediate concerns without adding abstract ones like this to the list.

I had a quick look and couldn't find anything indicating dietary restrictions in general are useful
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22425606
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22237876
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21880163


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 1:18 pm 
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Chipmunk wrote:
Tofulish wrote:
I had a mini-meltdown (didn't yell or scream or anything, just got overwhelmed) when he asked me to revisit Leela's diet with our acupuncturist, because Chinese medicine says no flours and no fruit and a ton of other restrictions that is going to make BLW much less fun. According to CM, her immune system is just developing and the flours, sugars etc will overload her gut, which is the seat of the immune system, causing life-long health issues and allergies. No pressure or anything.


Something about the way this seems to be shifting the responsibility to you (and simultaneously undermining you) strikes me as a little concerning. Honestly, I'd be surprised if there is good evidence to support this position. I understand why it might be a concern if there's a family history of allergies, but it might make sense to ask someone who actually specializes in that area for advice before making restrictions that may do more harm than good. It's also important to remember that you can do everything right and still end up with a health problem. Obviously allergies are no fun, but it would seem that you have more immediate concerns without adding abstract ones like this to the list.

I had a quick look and couldn't find anything indicating dietary restrictions in general are useful
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22425606
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22237876
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21880163

Also, is your acupuncturist an RD? Anyone can give nutrition advice, it doesn't mean it's right.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 2:01 pm 
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a) hugs and love
b) every time you post pictures of leela, i'm in awe of her energy, brightness, and love for life (and you). it is so apparent, it is like a beacon shining out of my laptop screen. i think it is delightful that she enjoys such a vast variety of foods. i was raised on mcdonald's and didn't try most fruits or veggies til my 20s! if chinese medicine is important to you and brett, then perhaps consider a dietary change, but honestly, i think you're doing a perfect job already and i wouldn't change a darn thing.
c) i'm very sympathetic to what brett is going through, but i hope he gets his shiitake together soon and stops taking it out on you. i'm proud of you for being open and honest about your feelings and needs to him.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 10:12 pm 
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Thank you all! I have no idea what is going on with the CT scan if anything, because he isn't keeping me in the loop, so I figure one day I'll know. He knows how serious lung cancer is bc his step-dad died of it - I think the problem is more that he figures that lung cancer is an automatic death sentence, not that he might be able to be cured or have a longer life, so he sees no issue with not finding out....

I was such a bisque today. Basically, I just don't want to have to listen to parenting advice from every Tom, Dick and Harry my husband talks to. So he was holding forth about something, and I went "Oh, who did you hear that from?" "Andrew." "Oh, the guy who smokes around his 2 young kids? Yeah, not taking any advice from that guy."

I feel like the biggest challenge in parenting is figuring out who you are going to take advice from and I take it from you guys. Because I trust you, I see how your kids are turning out and I like it.

Sorry honey - not going to listen to "Woman who is married to violent alcoholic" "Guy whose wife just relapsed and had to be dragged out of a hotel after giving bowlcuts for smack" or "workaholic who never sees his daughter and has no idea how old she is."

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 11:04 am 
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I'm sure they don't post about it here, you know where you only type out what you want people to know, but i'm sure there are some former addicts who are fine parents, or ones who are currently struggling with addiction. Also, having problems does not automatically make you a bad parent or a bad person.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 11:10 am 
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I think addicts in recovery can be and often are amazing parents, and I do know many of them. If you look at my post, I was talking about people who are currently smoking around their children or currently in relationships with active addicts/alcoholics that they allow around their children, but I do take your point that it is unfair to generalize, and that having problems doesn't mean you're not a great parent too.

A friend of mine had parents who were active heroin users, and her view is that they gave her all the love they could manage and she had an amazing childhood.

Apologies for offending anyone.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 11:30 am 
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Tofulish wrote:
"Guy whose wife just relapsed and had to be dragged out of a hotel after giving bowlcuts for smack"

Tofulish wrote:
I do take your point that it is unfair to generalize, and that having problems doesn't mean you're not a great parent too.

also worth recognizing that just because someone's partner is going through some shiitake, it doesn't mean they're not a great parent/their perspective is devalued*.

i'm sure that's not the road you meant to go down with that comment.

*eta: oh, sorry, i guess you kind of did that, but that "shiitake" might extend beyond addiction.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 4:07 pm 
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so, what do you think, is making the 12 year old take the city bus because MrT "can't be bothered to pick her up" grounds for separation? I'm thinking yes. I know we come second to The Business, and the MrT can't be bothered to supervise her at the shop, or discipline her, or encourage her, or look at her report card, or really provide any parenting, but now this too? His shop is close to her school. that's why she goes there. the bus ride involves transferring and will take maybe 45min for the 3km it is.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 2:06 am 
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torque wrote:
so, what do you think, is making the 12 year old take the city bus because MrT "can't be bothered to pick her up" grounds for separation? I'm thinking yes. I know we come second to The Business, and the MrT can't be bothered to supervise her at the shop, or discipline her, or encourage her, or look at her report card, or really provide any parenting, but now this too? His shop is close to her school. that's why she goes there. the bus ride involves transferring and will take maybe 45min for the 3km it is.

Absolutely. Just from reading the stuff you've posted, it doesn't sound like he takes an active role as a parent or treats you with enough respect. I'm still shocked by the "PMS mommy" comment.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 2:46 pm 
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I'm so sorry torque. You guys deserve much more than that <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 5:49 pm 
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Oh, torque, i am thinking of you and fishychips.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 8:08 pm 
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Hugs to you and FC, torque. The PMS Mommy is so wrong on so many fronts and it is just so sad that after all FC has been through, and is struggling with, your husband couldn't just pick her up.

I hope you can come to NJ with her for a short break at some point. We miss you guys <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 8:22 am 
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well, we had it out and i told him calmly what i was thinking and he said 'ok fine forget i ever said it, i'll drive her and she'll never take the bus.' Battle won, but war completely not. whatever, one moment at a time.

I had a meeting yesterday and someone asked how things were going and i just sort of blurted "meh, i think i've just about had it with here." Then was horrified that i actually said it. I'm tired of this shiitake but not sure if taking the kid and leaving is going to be the way to go either. This is so not why we came here and probably not the best thing for her (and she is the reason we're here). again, one moment at a time.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 1:24 pm 
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and, today, it looks like we may have made a significant development. i am afraid to talk about it for fear that it is all a dream i'm going to wake up from (not that great, just surreal).

i love my kid so much and i just hope that i'm not doing anything that is going to screw her up forever. i mean, aside from everything else i've done to screw her up forever.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2012 4:10 pm 
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Mr. A told me, basically, that he's jealous of the baby and thinks I love her more than I love him.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2012 4:51 pm 
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oh Ariann! That's so hard. I hope you and Mr. A find a way soon to reconnect so he feels confident in your lover relationship!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2012 9:46 pm 
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Oh Ariann, that sucks, but I think it is pretty amazing of him to be willing to own that and be responsible for it. At least it gives you a place to work from. I have to say, that you guys seem like such a great couple - really funny and well-balanced and you both obviously care deeply for one another.

My therapist was saying that part of having a kid, is the fantasy that your co-parent will magically show up as your ideal parent. ie as a mom, you're waiting for your co-parent to be the ideal Dad to you as well and as a Dad you kind of want your co-parent to be the mom you never had, and so that dynamic ends up triggering a sense of disappointment, because of course no one can be your ideal parent and your co-parent is your co-parent, not your parent. I don't know if that makes sense, but I could see it when she explained it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 8:29 am 
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So, well, i'm back.
Hell has apparently frozen over, as yesterday Mr T had total breakdown, something i've only seen once in all the stuff we've been through. He's been taking care of his business and keeping me out of it (at my request) and it would appear he's just been scraping by all this time, and the stress is killing him. As is living here. He's here falling apart, and just wants to go home, the last thing i expected.
I'm just gobsmacked.
He went and had a good talk with the kid and I now realize that he was just one hair away from destruction for the last few months, and was trying to keep away from her so she wouldn't set him off. Not a great tactic, but understandable.

The problem of course is that "going home" is not as easy as it sounds. All the immigration stuff, I don't even know where to begin. We're a day late and a dollar short, as usual. The money, oh my god. I will need to go back to the US and file for him, I think, and there are a lot of complications.
The bright side is that I did some hard thinking these days about how things could work out if we were apart and I have a good idea of what needs to be done. Unfortunately, a lot of it will suck.
The brighter side is that after all the shiitake we've been through, he isn't ready to chuck in the towel, and he loves his kid. I'm relieved.
Anyway, thanks for your support. I feel a bit chicken little-ish but on the other hand this shiitake is going to be epic, and it's scary.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 8:50 am 
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wow, torque, that is a LOT. a LOT LOT. i can't even imagine the process, and i've participated in a whole whackload of international moves in my life. the issue is that mr. t is not an american citizen? are you? what about your kid?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 9:02 am 
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Seagull of the PPK
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yeah, littlebird, another international move, you know they don't get any easier no matter how many you do.....
i am a US citizen. The kid is dual. Mr T is Brazilian. he had permanency in the US from 98 to 2006, but upon moving here was considered to have "abandoned his status" and has to start again. And Brazil no longer offers consular service for the US, so I can't apply for him from here.
Ah, the irony. I don't miss the US. The Brazilian misses the US. I hope he mentions this in his interview (assuming, god willing, we all live that long to see the interview).

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 9:31 am 
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Wow, Torque, I've been following your story in this thread and the other and I have to say I am really glad you and Mr. T are getting to the bottom of the issue and that there is a solution in sight for all of you. Even though it has to be one of the most complicated and red-tapey solutions possible. International moves seem to be getting harder, not easier, as you grow older and your life gets more complicated! At least now you can make a plan and take it one step at a time, right?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 2:21 pm 
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Torque- I am also a US citizen married to a non US citizen who abandoned his green card when we left the US and moved to Europe. We were told when he abandoned his green card that getting a green card a second time- if we choose to move back to the US- is a lot easier than the first time. The immigration officer said that completely unbidden, so maybe it is true. Something you can hope for, anyway! What a freaking relief it will be if your family, love, and trust issues can be dealt with and your problems become financial and legal! I know that financial and legal problems are sometimes insurmountable, but oh the optimism of having the emotional stuff being good...


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 3:41 pm 
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That is the best thing i've heard all day, mapmap!

thanks so much guys. this has been such a roller coaster for all of us, that i am just a big emotional puddle of vegan jello lately. luckily my mom is on vacation and my best friend is MIA or else I would probably have been calling each every 30 seconds with some new Ross Perot type development. yet like you say map, it's good to know that things will eventually work out. we're looking at a timeline of maybe 2 years (O-O) but we've made it this far and now we know what's going on and we'll all be OK.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 5:19 pm 
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I am so frustrated not to be able to count on my partner. We had a long discussion this weekend about how often he jams me because work takes precedence and he leaves me holding the bag or scrambling to cover for him and I thought he finally got it.

So today I asked him to walk the dog, he didn't do it and instead of just apologized ranted that the dog doesn't need to be walked and should just be grateful he doesn't drop him off at a shelter because he never wanted animals. So I had to figure out how to deal with a super exhausted baby and walk the dog and deal with the upset of his reaction. I just don't get how his promises to me are basically worthless and what I am supposed to do with that. I get he's stressed but seriously adults need to be able handle their commitments better.

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