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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2012 5:23 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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I can commiserate! My son is mostly vegetarian - a compromise since I'm vegan, and my partner is an omnivore. (Son has eaten non-veg things like marshmallows, etc.) Anyway, I'm much more health-oriented than my partner. We do grocery shopping together, and he always buys prepackaged items and junk food. That's not all he eats, of course, but he has to take a lunch for work, and he usually doesn't like to take leftovers (can't heat them, eats at whichever work site he's at or in the car). His lunch is usually: meat/cheese sandwich, dairy yogurt, crackers, prepackaged cookies, prepackaged granola bar, and sometimes a banana or plum. He also likes to buy burger combos from fast food places (though he's no longer eating beef! yay!) and drink pop. It's his choice, of course, but I hate to see him making less healthy choices in front of our kids. He honestly doesn't care about his own health enough to change his habits though. Our son definitely likes to copy his dad, because he thinks he's so awesome (and he is). It's frustrating, but I guess the most important thing is to keep making our own good choices (food-wise), so our kids can at least see SOMEONE who eats healthy, and that it's a choice they could make on their own.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Aug 26, 2012 4:55 pm 
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***LIES!!!***
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My husband is super mad at me for unknown reasons (or rather, angry out of proportion to the reasons) and left the house with the baby to go cool off. When we came home from lunch we were supposed to go swimming, but he went and took a nap instead (to avoid me) and then came out an hour or so later and said, "do you want the kid or should I take her?" So upside is that I'm having a couple of hours to myself and doing some laundry! Downside is I don't know why he's so pissed.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Aug 26, 2012 5:57 pm 
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Seagull of the PPK
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i just came back from a nice weekend where i made a getaway plan, announced to my spouse i was going and he could come or not come as he pleased. he came but groused for a long time.
then was pleasant and sweet all weekend as we stayed with really unusual characters, including one who happened to be once of his Most Annoying Customers (frealz), the weather was crummy and precluded beach activities, and our plans for going out fell through. I was really, really pleased!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 9:58 am 
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Semen Strong
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Argh! My husband is supposed to childproof our house, but so far his response, whenever I ask about when he's going to make our kitchen more safe for her, is to say "Well can't you keep her out of the kitchen?" Well only if we put up a gate that means the animals get no food and water during the day....

I know its a daunting task, but if we don't do it, either I have to watch her like a hawk all day (she gets into everything so easily now!) or risk her getting hurt.

At the same time, he wants to micromanage how high I build the megablock structures, so those don't hurt her as they collapse. Argh!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 11:24 am 
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***LIES!!!***
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It is SO easy to childproof the kitchen. The kitchen is one of the safest rooms in our apartment now. If he hasn't done it, I would just do it yourself or one of these Tuesdays I can help you do it. Fingers slammed in cabinet doors hurt!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 11:32 am 
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Making Threats to Punks Again
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Probably wouldn't work for you guys since you have a dog in addition to cats, but I just learned that they make baby gates that have cat doors in them....


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 1:03 pm 
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helbury wrote:
Probably wouldn't work for you guys since you have a dog in addition to cats, but I just learned that they make baby gates that have cat doors in them....

My cats laugh at baby gates. They jump right over them.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 2:34 pm 
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Making Threats to Punks Again
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Yeah for younger cats, I'm sure that's no big deal. When I visited my parents, their older kitty could definitely not go over the baby gates we put up at the bottom and top of the stairs, and he was so so pissed that he couldn't go upstairs.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 2:35 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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Vantine wrote:
helbury wrote:
Probably wouldn't work for you guys since you have a dog in addition to cats, but I just learned that they make baby gates that have cat doors in them....

My cats laugh at baby gates. They jump right over them.

Same, except poor Gizmo with those stubby legs.

Nate and I are having a hard time right now. I know things will work out but old Meghan wants to run away back to Michigan. New Meghan knows she has to stay and work things out. Being an adult sucks.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 3:22 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Sorry Meghan, I am sorry you're having a rough time.

I am just frustrated because L has been sick and I've been alone with her since Wednesday and she was a delight up to yesterday, which was a nightmare. I just wish my partner would validate my feelings, but instead he tried to distract me by asking about my fun day with Ariann. All I wanted was to be heard that my day was sucking giant, linty, moist ballsacks.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 7:05 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Its been 2 months since my partner found out he has that spot on his lung, and he still hasn't gone for a CT scan to figure out if he has cancer. We got him this expensive insurance that covers tests etc but he isn't using it. We are paying $1,000 a month more than we need to, so he can have this in case he needs treatment for cancer and he won't even find out if he has cancer.

And the cooking situation is beyond miserable. He eats out every day because whenever I try and make him food that the acupuncturist wants him to eat (veggies (steamed lightly), no grains and no dairy, lightly spiced), he won't eat it because I either (1) don't make enough for him, (2) it doesn't taste good to him or (3) I got something wrong and included one of the five bajillion things he isn't supposed to be eating, which I find out about only once I have actually made a dish containing them. And he isn't ever happy with what I make, because he "needs" meat.

I've tried the solutions people have offered - show him a recipe book and let him pick, menu plan, go shopping, involve him in cooking, make one general dish and let him add meat, but at this point, he is working so hard and is out of the house so much, that he just comes home once the baby is asleep and we don't have any opportunity to do any of that, and I can't fight about it at this point. I just don't want to fight every week about what he is eating, because it doesn't change anything.

I feel like we're not supposed to complain about our partners, so I don't tend to vent to anyone how much this situation is taking out of me, but it is exhausting me.

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My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 9:10 pm 
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Wears Durian Helmet
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Sorry T'lish....I think you are at the point now where you need to let go of trying to get him to do of all his things he's unwilling to do or change. If he doesn't want to get screened for possible cancer he's not going to. Same with the food. He will come around to all these things when he's ready. It's hard especially when his health is involved but I think you need to step back and let him take care (or not) of himself how he wants or doesn't want to. Maybe wait a few weeks before you bring any of this up with him again?

{{{{hugs to you}}}}}

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 3:14 pm 
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The Real Hamburger Helper
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Urgh. That is tough. For me, the health thing is something that I would confront him on pretty harshly (but this is my own opinion). It's just one of those things you need to do to be a good partner and father. If he *does* have cancer, doesn't he want to attack it with all you've got and be there for you and Leela? Yeah, it's scary as hell but finding out what's wrong now could literally mean the difference between life and death. It could also mean that he finds out there's something very easily remediable wrong too.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 4:27 pm 
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The Real Hamburger Helper
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refinnej wrote:
Urgh. That is tough. For me, the health thing is something that I would confront him on pretty harshly (but this is my own opinion). It's just one of those things you need to do to be a good partner and father. If he *does* have cancer, doesn't he want to attack it with all you've got and be there for you and Leela? Yeah, it's scary as hell but finding out what's wrong now could literally mean the difference between life and death. It could also mean that he finds out there's something very easily remediable wrong too.

Yeah, this would be a deal-breaker type of issue for me. I really hope he gets his fear under control and does the right there here. I'm sorry you are going through this, tofulish.

I agree with above. Usually I'm all about not being a nag or acting like a mother to my parner, but if he is that hung up on (scared of)going to the doctor maybe you could make an appointment for him? And arrange to go with him? So sorry you are dealing with this. This is really a huge burden on your shoulders.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 4:50 pm 
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The Real Hamburger Helper
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refinnej wrote:
Yeah, this would be a deal-breaker type of issue for me. I really hope he gets his fear under control and does the right there here. I'm sorry you are going through this, tofulish.

Um yeah...how did that get there? I didn't type that (for real).


Last edited by refinnej on Sat Sep 08, 2012 4:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 4:52 pm 
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refinnej wrote:
refinnej wrote:
Yeah, this would be a deal-breaker type of issue for me. I really hope he gets his fear under control and does the right there here. I'm sorry you are going through this, tofulish.

Um yeah...how did that get there?


ha! OOPS. I meant to quote you and respond. Let me fix that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 4:53 pm 
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refinnej wrote:
Urgh. That is tough. For me, the health thing is something that I would confront him on pretty harshly (but this is my own opinion). It's just one of those things you need to do to be a good partner and father. If he *does* have cancer, doesn't he want to attack it with all you've got and be there for you and Leela? Yeah, it's scary as hell but finding out what's wrong now could literally mean the difference between life and death. It could also mean that he finds out there's something very easily remediable wrong too.



Yeah, this would be a deal-breaker type of issue for me. I really hope he gets his fear under control and does the right there here. I'm sorry you are going through this, tofulish.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 4:53 pm 
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The Real Hamburger Helper
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Heh. My husband just said "maybe one of the administrators (he owns a message board) meant to ....."

I thought to myself that I must be *really* tired.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 4:54 pm 
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refinnej wrote:
Heh. My husband just said "maybe one of the administrators (he owns a message board) meant to ....."

I thought to myself that I must be *really* tired.


Sorry about that! Our buttons are right next to each other.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 7:39 pm 
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Not NOT A Furry
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Tofulish wrote:
I used to give her veggies or a fruit pop and eat ice cream and pretend it was the same stuff or hide it, but that doesn't fly any more unless you want a very insistent small person staring at you in anger and betrayal apparently completely unable to blink due to her overwhelming outrage.


This made me laugh so hard. Adorable.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 7:53 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
Its been 2 months since my partner found out he has that spot on his lung, and he still hasn't gone for a CT scan to figure out if he has cancer. We got him this expensive insurance that covers tests etc but he isn't using it. We are paying $1,000 a month more than we need to, so he can have this in case he needs treatment for cancer and he won't even find out if he has cancer.

And the cooking situation is beyond miserable. He eats out every day because whenever I try and make him food that the acupuncturist wants him to eat (veggies (steamed lightly), no grains and no dairy, lightly spiced), he won't eat it because I either (1) don't make enough for him, (2) it doesn't taste good to him or (3) I got something wrong and included one of the five bajillion things he isn't supposed to be eating, which I find out about only once I have actually made a dish containing them. And he isn't ever happy with what I make, because he "needs" meat.

I've tried the solutions people have offered - show him a recipe book and let him pick, menu plan, go shopping, involve him in cooking, make one general dish and let him add meat, but at this point, he is working so hard and is out of the house so much, that he just comes home once the baby is asleep and we don't have any opportunity to do any of that, and I can't fight about it at this point. I just don't want to fight every week about what he is eating, because it doesn't change anything.

I feel like we're not supposed to complain about our partners, so I don't tend to vent to anyone how much this situation is taking out of me, but it is exhausting me.


I would worry more about the CT scan and leave him alone about the food. Whatever diet your acupuncturist has recommended is not going to cure him if it is cancer. That would be the priority for me. There is also the fact that some people don't want to know. They find it easier to deal with if they don't get a formal diagnosis. That's stressful for you but I can only imagine how I would feel if I were stressed out with work and had to worry about if I had cancer or not.

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A whole lot of access and privilege goes into being sanctimonious pricks J-Dub
Dessert is currently a big bowl of sanctimonious, passive aggressive vegan enduced boak. Fezza
You people are way less funny than Pandacookie. Sucks to be you.-interrobang?!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2012 5:59 pm 
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Seagull of the PPK
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aargh shitty connection. i just typed out a huge long emo thing and it all boils down to

1) sorry tofulish, i can't imagine how stressful it is for all of yez

2) if it were me, i would put my foot down, play dirty, beg or even let him have whatever junk he wanted for the next month if he would just Get the forking Scan already. your mileage may vary.
Love ya and hang in there.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:50 am 
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I agree with torque. This is not something that only affects him, it has a huge impact on you and tofubaby. It appears to me that the number one priority in all of your lives now is that scan.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 12:09 pm 
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Semen Strong
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I am upset and need to vent.

I thought Vantine's point was a really good one, and have been laying off him because he is so stressed about work. I didn't have much choice either - I have tried everything to get him to get the scan, and he just won't and I can't spend every day fighting about it, because then our time together is hell and he doesn't come home until she is in bed.

And then today he told me that he is spending all day at a friend's mom's funeral, because he needs him to be there. He's never met the mom, and has no connection to the family at all, but he is going to spend all day there. I said that maybe he could spend a few hours and then come home, and he called me a selfish bisque, "I have to be there, somebody DIED!"

Yeah, but you have no time to come home and spend time with me and your kid and no time to get medical tests done, but you have time to spend all day at the funeral of someone you don't know? And our agreed on family day (Sunday) is going to be spent at Chuck E Cheese for a birthday party of a friend of yours whom you never see, and they never invite us to anything except the kid birthday parties which are a huge gift grab.

I am kind of at a loss. And the problem is that every time I broach it, he fights with me, and then agrees and says he is sorry and he wants to do better but then goes back to doing the exact same thing.

Our counselor said he needs to put things in the calendar and have me then hold him to account. But he then blows off the stuff in the calendar because he can't pass up the opportunity to work. We haven't had a vacation for 2 years, we don't have date nights, we don't have any alone time, and he doesn't seem to mind.

Oh but there is good news! He is eating the food I cook. Basically he buys the veggies he likes and I make something with them that fit the acu's parameters.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 5:55 pm 
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Do you have the kind of relationship where you could have a serious conversation about his fears? I don't know him but it sounds to me as if he is scared to get the test because the answers could be pretty forking scary. For everyone who want to stand up in the face of storm and say "Come get me you mustard!" there's someone else who pretends it's not raining.

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A whole lot of access and privilege goes into being sanctimonious pricks J-Dub
Dessert is currently a big bowl of sanctimonious, passive aggressive vegan enduced boak. Fezza
You people are way less funny than Pandacookie. Sucks to be you.-interrobang?!


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