Post Punk Kitchen Forum

Some of you may have noticed me dropping hints in some of my posts (several of which are now available as e-books) or that my ego is blowing up faster than Violet Beauregard.

It's all down to that leaked Mitt Romney video. I'm not sure why everyone is so outraged by that--I guess they just have Romney derangement syndrome. But me, I was like, "Hey, I pay income tax. I guess that makes me part of the productive 53% (I literally sit at a desk for up to eight hours a day), and not the 47% who ever gets anything from the government." After that I got some feelings? Like, pretty good feelings of righteousness and pride? I've decided to chase those feelings. So I'm a Republican now!

It's been like two days so I'm pretty much an expert. If there's anything you've ever wanted to ask a Republican, I guess you can just ask me. Don't worry, I'm still vegan--it's just that now I'm vegan because I think lettuce is a less likely vector for transmitting diseases like poverty and Mexican-ness than steak. I don't know the details--a doctor told me that. But you better believe I'd kick a dog in the nuts if there was any money in it.

As a Republican, will you pay 60 cents extra for soy in your coffee drink? Shouldn't that cost be passed down to the Mexicans somehow?

Good question! It's a difficult issue. On the one hand, "free" is just another word for socialism. On the other hand, I really like getting angry at food service workers.

It's a little bit moot, though, because Starbucks is for liberal elites, and not hard-working Americans. I get my coffee from Chick-Fil-A now. Sure, I have to go out of my way to get it, and they don't even have soy milk, but America, and our freedoms, and also the Bible.

What's the deal with all the gun love?

The profit from the extra soy goes right up to the shareholders. Starbucks will of course keep downward pressure on all the workers in its supply chain. So really, if you buy our stock the price increase is either a wash or a win for you. Also, its tax-deductible as a business expense.

Read your Constitution! Government is the problem, and the Second Amendment is the solution. I'm not saying Gabrielle Giffords should have been shot, I'm just saying it's important that we have the option.

Why do you say that food stamps are putting America in debt when quadrillion times that amount is used on military stuff?

The military stuff is necessary. How else are we supposed to defend our borders in Iraq?

Food stamps aren't necessary. If you like eating so much, just get a job and pay for your food like the 53%. If you think I should have to buy food for you, you're saying I'm your slave. Why do you liberals love slavery so much?

How's the weather in Texas today?

I just checked with Fox Weather (the only unbiased weather channel), and the answer appears to be "sunny with a chance of Obama."

my dad is a republican, and he says our family has never had any money because dominican car mechanics take all our jobs, but i don't think anyone in my family knows how to fix a car. also, when my sister lost her job he told her to try to get food stamps right away because at least then his hard-earned taxes would be going toward helping an american. but shouldn't she have gone out and gotten another job right away instead? i want to believe him, but sometimes i get confused. help me, republican expert!

A family is kind of like a miniature version of America: the "president" (your dad) is the decider, and you have to do whatever he says. The problem here is that you're thinking about it. Try not to do that. Unless he's a liberal, and then you should pretty much just throw a tantrum for four years.

Is it enough to merely get a job or should you get a job where you make over 50,000 and have to pay income tax? Similarly, if you don't make enough money to pay income tax, should you simply get more jobs? And on that note, if you're so against taxes, why do you have so much disdain for people who don't pay income tax? Shouldn't you be, like, cheering them on?

You should get a job that pays enough that you can survive and provide for your family without any handouts. If you can't do that, you should probably just wander into the woods and kill a bear. If you can't do that, just do the world a favor and let the bear eat you. Personal responsibility, rugged individualism, and other such things. But you shouldn't have to resort to that. Just get one of those middle class jobs that pays, what, $200-$250k? I'm not really sure--I immediately lost touch once I became a Republican.

You're right that I should (and do) admire people who don't pay taxes. If it turns out Mitt Romney didn't pay any for like twenty years, well, I'll vote for him twice (thanks, Diebold!). But that's only admirable if you aren't stealing my money at the same time. Look, I'm ok with people getting help when they need it, as long as they can pay for it. It's called welfare, not welfree. If you can't pay for it, I'm sure that your church will help you out.

Sight gag! This title appears in the Parlor above "Republican Men Think With Their Penises".

I'm onto you, mumbles.

Since Republican men seem to be much more knowledgeable about my reproductive organs than my gynecologist, can you give me advice for how to deal with this yeast infection?

Why is it so much easier for Latinos to run for president?!?!

If gay marriage would be good for the economy, can you tell me why you republicans are
so against it in these hard economic times?

Oh, gross. Mods, can you do something about people using disgusting words like 'gynecologist'?

Anyway, your yeast infection is probably just God punishing you for being a slut or not baking enough or whatever.

Because of all the illegals who automatically vote for any Juan, Rico, or...I can't think of any other Mexican names.

if you didn't want the yeast, it wouldn't have been able to infect you (am i doing this right?).

Um, if selling your kids to sex perverts on the internet was good for the economy, would you do that?

No?

There's your answer: gay marriage is a lot like selling your kids to sex perverts on the internet.

Is it true that Republican men think with their penises?

It's more of a collaboration.

Can you suddenly not say vagina? Like you physically cannot get your mouth to form the word? Video response, plz.