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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:34 pm 
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Mars, that is probably the best description of anxiety.

PP, I know what you mean about committing to a lot of socialization. It can be really exhausting between worrying about it in the time leading up to the event, and then afterwards being so tired from forcing yourself to interact with other people. I hope that your job structure changes will be positive.

I'm struggling lately. Really, it's been ever since I got my rejection letter from vet school. Despite speaking with the admissions coordinator and being literally told that I was "very, very close," my brain still tells me that I won't be able to do it next time either, and applications open in mid-September. I am trying to augment my new study methods (which have worked out great so far this spring/summer term) by getting some different experience, so on Friday I am driving to another nearby city to speak with a vet there who works with different animals than I have experience with, because I would like to shadow or volunteer at her clinic. I want to project to her that I am intelligent, confident, and am extremely capable of doing things, but meeting new people still makes me very nervous and when I have to talk about myself, my heart pounds.

My therapist told me that I conflate self-esteem and arrogance, and what I would consider arrogance coming out of my mouth is what other people call self-esteem. I've never really had self-esteem and now that I see that I am very good at some things, I have a hard time saying it. I had started building confidence and then getting rejected kind of knocked it all back. It's very frustrating.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:45 pm 
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I was packing up this week's dessert order and I dropped one of the petit fours on the floor. It's just one out of 24, and of course I'll deduct it from the payment, and the restaurant owners are SO NICE and I'm sure they will not care, but I am having serious anxiety about it.

I know it shouldn't matter, but I'm so tired because my toddler got me up at 5am, AND I was already upset because when I went out earlier to get some lunch I got stuck in a huge traffic back-up that I thought must be caused by some event I didn't know about, but quickly found out it was due to a million people going to forking Chik-fil-a for lunch to 'support' them. Which made me so mad/sad that I started crying and I never really recovered from that, so when I dropped the petit four I just lost it and had a full-on panic attack.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 1:13 pm 
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My husband just lost one of his contracts, and it looks like they're trying to get out of paying the last payment they owe us at the beginning of next month, so we won't be able to pay rent (even if we are able to get it through legal proceedings, there is no way we'll get it in time to make rent). We have been living off $2500/mo, and this contract was $1500 of that. That leaves us $1000/mo, which is less than our rent. If we miss one month, we get evicted.

I am trying so hard not to have a total break down, especially in front of our son. I know I have to stay positive and keep working for solutions. I'm searching for a job right now, but I have been out of the workforce for three years and pretty much only have retail experience. This is all really sudden. I don't want to leave this house, I don't want to move into a shitty apartment in a bad part of town, I don't want my husband and I to have to switch off working and taking care of our son and never get to spend time together as a family.

Just typing this out has sent me into an anxiety attack.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 1:25 pm 
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oh, poopie! I just read this post and your last post! Ugh. So sorry about your husbands job. That's sooo shitty. I hope you guys figure stuff out so that you can still spend time together. That's good that you're able to hold it together for your son. Maybe you can have a freak out when he takes a nap :(

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 3:11 am 
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Kale Wreath
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Hello thread.

I'm having a hard time right now. I'm about to move continents in 10 days and return to grad school (after a 1-year absence) to do my thesis. I've always had difficulty adjusting to change to begin with, and I want to come back here and work (in my field) after I graduate but I don't know if that's possible, so the possibility that I might be leaving forever (instead of an 8-10-month stint) makes me feel very stressed out. I'm also nervous about going back to school, whether I can get back to research/writing/design mode again, etc etc. And I got into a relationship 2 months ago (with someone I've known for some time), we're going to do long-distance, I definitely want to do long-distance but worry about what will happen if I can't come back here (and him coming to Canada is not a possibility I'm pretty sure).

I've become better at managing my anxiety I think, I was able to go off my anti-depressants at the beginning of the year and haven't had much trouble since then. But this month has been very difficult. I've been having trouble sleeping, waking up early when I'm tired but not able to sleep because my mind is too active. I've felt slightly nauseous for about 2 weeks, but that could be partially due to the heat we've been having. I also feel like all the unknowns in my future are looming over my head and making my reactions to everyday stressors more dramatic than they should be. And I watch this sort of thing happen but can't seem to calm down and act like a normal person even though I know I should. I especially feel like the worst girlfriend ever and like if I was my boyfriend, I would not want to have a long-distance relationship with me based on how I've been acting this month. I just don't know how to be like my usual self in the face of all these changes that are going to happen in less than 2 weeks. Arfhfgh

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 11:17 am 
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Pistachiorose, I can understand that. I'm moving in a week into a situation where I think I'm going to have be a lot stricter with my cashflow and it's making me nervous (even though it's the right move for my mental health), as well as just all the little details of moving are causing anxiety.

I just emailed out about a retreat a committee I'm part of has all said that we need and the first response I get is basically saying he wants it *after* the election because he's going to be busy up until the election and it's going to be stressful, blahblah. Which made me stress about the election (American/presidential and other local elections). I just don't understand him because that's the point of the retreat is to step away and I don't know why he feels he can't step away for a couple days, he's not heavily involved in the major elections and is an advisor in a small local one, but I don't think it's going to involve tons of work from him. So now I have unanticipated anxiety over that!

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 1:07 pm 
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Oh pistachio. I have no advice but I wanted to say I feel for you. I think that sounds like an intense amount of life crepe to be dealing with all at once. And when love is added to the picture... jeez. Hugs to you.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 8:54 am 
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Dear Anxiety,

Why is it necessary for you to make me obsess about all the things that could go wrong during my vacation instead of focusing on the fun things and how great it's going to be? Come on, gimme a break please?

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2012 5:43 pm 
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I've been free of panic attacks for a while now, thankfully! It's a blessing not to worry, every time I go out, if that urge to flee or fears that I can't breathe or swallow will come over me and I have to beat them down and pretend everything's okay and struggle to keep my composure in front of strangers. I don't know why they're gone, nothing dramatic happened or didn't happen but I hope they never come back again!

My heart really goes out to anyone suffering from anxiety because it sucks really, really, really badly. <3

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 3:57 am 
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So, I usually have fairly manageable levels of anxiety, but right now I feel like if I leave my room I might have a panic attack. Two of my housemates are going away tomorrow and there is a dinner party at my house with heaps of noisy people. I was at work between 8am and 5pm today and when I got home there were already people there. I can't cope. The more I think about leaving my room, the worse I feel. I just need all the people talking noises to stop right now but they won't, and I have had no respite from this all day. I wish I could just go somewhere really quiet for a while.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 8:47 am 
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Kale Wreath
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Aww, that would bother me too Gunk. I hope you can find a way to get some peace. I would probably drone out the people talking noises with music I like.

As an update from my last post, now I'm staying with my parents for a week before going to Vancouver. There have been so many big changes - 12-hour time difference, going from one of the biggest cities in the world to a really small city, living basically alone to being with family all the time, cultural stuff, ugh. And my lifestyle and goals are so different from my family's, and I feel all this resentment from them for being the only one (of 5 children) who isn't settling down in my hometown and living abroad/on the other side of the country instead.

The first 3 days were really difficult, I was having difficulty sleeping and did cry myself to sleep twice and felt like I was disappointing everyone in my zombie-like state, but it's getting better now. I've just tried to go easy on myself and I think daily exercise has been helping as well.

Probably the most useful advice I got when I was seeing a psychiatrist was being told to treat my mind like a puppy: it gets stressed, it doesn't like new things, and sometimes it needs to be trained out of bad behaviours. So I try to detach myself from my thinking and be gentle on myself when I'm adjusting to new things, knowing that feelings of anxiety are to be expected during this time and will pass as I get settled. Of course, sometimes I forget when I'm in the middle of it, but it's a good thing to remind myself of.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2012 2:12 pm 
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I've been having a low-grade panic attack all day. like, chest tight, shaky hands, panic fuzz for 6 HOURS. I am tired of it, I just want to work. urgh urhg urhghrsadghjkl I am SICK OF THIS.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2012 6:00 pm 
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boober, I'm sorry. I live in that realm a lot and it SUUUUUCKSSSS.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 9:52 pm 
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I've got completely irrational anxiety about my dad's (very simple, generally low-risk) hernia surgery on monday.

I have a really disproportionate reaction to any members of my family going in to surgeries or in to treatment for anything because on several occasions I have been told that it (a variety of medical procedures or issues) is no big deal, and then found out days later that the person in question has been close to death or it had been a serious procedure.

I also have a lot of irrational anxiety about having to step in as a parental or money earning figure for my siblings. this is irrational because my stepmother has a support system in place and would be able to support them financially, but I just have this knee-jerk reaction of knowing that I would have to step in and go back to working shitty jobs and taking care of family and get trapped again in that cycle which I have successfully gotten out of (mostly). even though, again, completely irrational in this particular case.


SHUT UP BRAIN, IT WILL BE FINE.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2012 5:33 pm 
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Oh, boober, I hope your dad'ssurgery goes well. (hugs)

I've been having anxiety/panic attacks lately. I've never really had them before, but my job is stressing me pt. I thought I had it under control, but today I got 2 email voice messages from work from clients who are not respecting that I do not work on weekends and they're both mad at me for things that I am not in control of (court dates and statutes) and I had a bit of a breakdown with crying and feeling nauseated and hot and cold flashes and generally feeling like i can't be who my clients need me to be. I'm lucky my boyfriend is so supportive, but I just have this feeling of impending doom that I can't deal with.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 12:11 pm 
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ugh
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I'm going to the dentist on Saturday. I haven't been to a dentist in at least 5 years or so (to get my wisdom teeth removed) and haven't had a cleaning for maybe 10 years. This is because (a) I have trouble calling people, especially if I don't know them, and especially in the presence of other people, which is usually the case for dentists or doctors that are open only while I'm at work, (b) I hate people touching me in certain ways, especially if I don't know them* and (c) I hate how patronizing dentists and doctors can be and I'm often too shy/nervous to stand up for myself. I'm terrified to go to the appointment but at least I've already gotten past problem (a) - I was even a little proud of myself, when I made the appointment. But I'm afraid that problem (c) will be 10x worse since I've waited sooo long to go to the dentist.

* This is hard to describe. I'm okay with shoulder pats, handshakes, even hugs most of the time. Cheek kissing weirds me out but I can deal with it. But touching + really looking (examination?) = awful.

I was hoping that posting this would make me feel better but I'm not sure it worked.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 3:10 pm 
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I'm totally with you on a and b. To top it all off my patients are constantly asking me to make phonecalls on their behalf to as for things that I wouldn't do for myself because it fills me with so much anxiety.

So I'm at the stage where my anxiety levels are so high that it takes me up to an hour to eat breakfast before work in the morning because I'm on the verge of vomiting. I have to eat or I pass out. In the evening I nearly always have a panic attack about going to work and all the things I could do wrong and all the trouble that would come with it. Then in work it is taking me alot longer to get things done because I am constantly checking and rechecking things. I'm at the stage now where patients are starting to notice.

But if I go sick I have to deal with my colleagues being pissy and not talking to me when I get back then I get told off for being off sick and how unfair it is on everyone else because that means they have to do more work.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 5:56 pm 
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Oh wow, hey, first panic attack in like five months happening right now. I need to have a really hard conversation with my dad in a little while. I don't know if I've posted about this before or not but most of the panic attacks I've had in the past few years have had to do with my dad's behavior, and he doesn't understand what that means for me. But I know that if I try to talk to him about it he'll just tell me I'm playing the victim and trying to get sympathy. And the thing is, if he says that, I'll believe it. I kind of already do.
I dunno. That kind of makes him sound like a dick. He's a good person. I just don't know how to make him understand, like, what anxiety is and that I can't control it at all and that having a panic attack honestly makes me feel like I'm about to die.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 6:06 pm 
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I'm so sorry you're in this situation, daisychain, that sounds awful! And kilgore, I'm sorry that your dad doesn't understand. My mother has OCD and anxiety, and I think it took at least a dozen years for my dad to sort of get it. He still doesn't, I think, but he accepts it.

Back in grad school and struggling with this again. I naively thought I'd sort of learned to control this anxiety thing for the most part last year (with a couple of exceptions), but then i realized it was just because i had a pretty low-pressure job compared to now, and now I'm back in the same situation and it feels like nothing has changed. Because my thesis research is still at an early stage I'm not yet in a place to feel terribly stressed about it, but the teaching part of my TA work is really getting to me. I'm always nervous when I have to speak in front of a group and start doubting the validity of anything I say. And I get terribly anxious about leading a group discussion for 90 minutes without too many awkward silences. The first week was awful, the second was better, but today I some of the things that students said made me realize that I am not only projecting my stress but also putting up an arrogant and somewhat bisque-y front as well. I resent this anxiety thing and how it affects so many things in my life, I resent my family's genetics, and I'm worried because this is only the beginning and it'll probably get a lot worse.

I used to go to the university psychiatrist, but since I've been away for awhile then I don't know if can get in again. I only got in in the first place by having a really serious episode, I'd been trying before then but they didn't take me seriously enough. And there are probably moe deserving patients than me, but I really am worried about how things will go in the next 8 months. This year is supposed to be the hardest...

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2012 11:24 am 
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Dying from Nooch Lung

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I hope you can get in with the psychiatrist Pistachiorose.

So I've been physically sick all weekend and I actually think it is all in my head and that my anxiety is taking on physical symptoms because I have to fake being ok for work. Work was pure crepe last week. On Friday one of my clients was having an anxiety attack and because I'm super vulnerable lately it took every ounce of energy to keep from having a full blown panic attack myself. Then Friday night I started getting severe nausea. I was sick with that all day yesterday. I still have stomach pains today but I'm not as tired. All I can think is dammit..... if I had stayed sick then I would have to call into work sick for tomorrow.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 2:45 pm 
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I'm happy to report that my anxiety has decreased drastically with the use of cipralex over the past 5 months. Maybe this isn't the right thread for this...but I'm starting to get a little weirded out by the drug's side effects (in me: notable weight loss and loss of appetite, as well as a completely missing sex drive). It also seems to have flared up my anemia. I'm tempted to taper off (with a doctor's guidance, of course), but I'm so scared that the anxiety will then just come back with a vengeance. However it is weird that I continue to lose weight at age 30 and with absolutely no change in my exercise habits (I don't really exercise, but I do exert myself physically at work). I've already spoken to a doctor about this and he told me to eat more (no appetite), and advised against going off cipralex, but I dunno. I'm scared about the anxiety, but I'm also worried about the weight loss and annoyed by the lack of sex drive. And my sleep sucks. I'm exhausted all the time, but I can't sleep for more than four hours at a time.


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 3:04 pm 
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Dying from Nooch Lung

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*massive hugs*

Side effects are the pits. I'm the opposite..... monster appetite and I only need to look side ways at food and weight goes on. Not a great side-effect for me since I have had food issues in the past and used to binge eat to make myself overweight so nobody would look at me. Do you think your doctor would consider changing you to a lower dose of another medication? Maybe one that would help you with sleep?

Until then.... eat healthy, plenty of exercise to burn off the stress energy, relaxation tapes if they float your boat. Saying that..... I do the first 2 exercise definitely doesn't burn out my anxiety at all. Even though my medication has a sedative effect I still have a meltdown on a nightly basis when I have work the next day. I'm a pure snappy, crabby bisque right now.

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 10:55 am 
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My anxiety has been forking AWFUL. I am not dealing well with my office changing locations and taking the concept of cubicles away and now we're all just in a big, open room. I actually had to go to the medical centre (at my old office location, no less, sigh) because I was hyperventilating and crying at work yesterday. Today is better, but I still feel that tightness in my chest and need to flee.

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Did you notice the slight feeling of panic at the words "Chicken Basin Street"? Like someone was walking over your grave? Try not to remember. We must never remember. - mumbles
Is this about devilberries and nazifruit again? - footface


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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 1:16 pm 
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Dying from Nooch Lung

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*hugs* That sucks.

I was on the brink of panicking all day in work. I'm so fed up. I just feel like the pressure is crushing me alive. All I want is to be on sick leave so I can get myself healthy but they were so rotten to me about my last sick leave and they are pressurising me to continue working despite being more mentally unwell that my clients!!!

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 Post subject: Re: the ANXIETY thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 3:06 pm 
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vijita, could you talk to your doctor about trying a different medication? I know my doctor tried a couple of different ones before we found one that worked for me with a minimum of side effects.

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