Post Punk Kitchen Forum

A lot of them (us) do in the feminist present.

Oh yeah, I know. I just wish it was more common.

I don't tend to ask dudes out because I'm really shy! It's not because I don't think girls should, or anything like that. Maybe someday I'll be brave like GCZ.

In other news: going to see one of my favorite band with mutual-crush and some friends tonight. Wheee!

I've never known any women to not ask a guy out because it isn't something women do or should do. It's always an angsty shyness thing.

Well, except for these weird courtship only girls who didn't believe in any dating except when their dad would tell them to get married. Let's not count them.

Yeah that's what I was saying--I don't think it's an issue of being a feminist or not, it's an issue of shyness, or something like that.

I got work crush's number yesterday!!!!... and apparently didn't save it correctly in my phone and lost it! So now I have to be sneaky and get it off the wall at work. Thankfully he's not working today so he won't see that part.

Except that it's still more common for men to ask women out than vice-versa, so women can more easily get away with shyness and angst and (I suspect, anyway) there's more pressure on men to "have to" get over that. I mean, the only reason I've never asked a guy out is abject fear but if social norms dictated that I was "supposed to" be the instigator, I suppose I'd have made an effort to get over that like 25 years ago. Or maybe all of that is just my age talking and it's way closer to 50-50 amongst you young 'uns. The media doesn't seem to think so, though.

I'm with RC, plenty of my lady friends pine away wondering why a certain guy doesn't ask them out... I always remind them they could ask him out, but then they use all these justification for why they're not.

Totally agree with this.

I've asked many guys out, and the relationships have always crashed and burned horribly. This is apparently because the kinds of guys I ask out then expect me to do EVERYTHING in the relationship and tend to take me for granted and treat me kind of lukewarm. I've always wondered if this is because I have a specific type that is bad for me that I go after, or if it's because being asked out by girls is novel to guys, so they figured "what the heck, since a cute girl asked, I guess I'll go out with her, even though I'm not particularly into her... it'd be interesting to see what happens!"

Either way, the unusually spectacular ouch-rate of such experiences has lead me to significantly dial back my pursuit of dudes, partially because, as Monkeytoes says, I don't HAVE to. I can totally get away with waiting for the dudes to come after me.

This is my situation as well, except I didn't realize it until I read your post. I just mentally went through the last few guys I've dated (in fact, I asked one out yesterday; waiting for him to call back) and realized that you and I have the exact same problem. Frustrating, to say the least.

If I ever go out, I'd have to ask because nobody has ever asked me.

I know. But that shyness is socialized, right? I mean I'm terrified of asking women out, but I know if I want to find a partner I have to do it. Because a lot of women expect men to do the asking.

ETA: Didn't read Monkeytoes' post. She said what I was trying to say a million times better.

Update: totally frustrated. Why am I attracted to women who are unavailable? It's sick. It's like that joke from Annie Hall: I'd never want to be part of a club that would take someone like me for a member.

So anyway, I talked again with the woman I spoke about in the quote above, who will hereby be referred to as "ginger" because she's even more of a ginger than me. She seems really, really cool. She's 19. I'm 25. Does that make me too old for her?? It doesn't even matter though, because she has a live-in boyfriend. Ugh. Last time we talked at all, she seemed nervous. But this time the tables were totally turned. My voice started getting all quivery. It was bad. Some people might think this being uncomfortable shows we wouldn't be compatible, but I'm like that with everyone I'm attracted to. I'm just dysfunctional, I guess. But again, none of this matters, because she has a live-in boyfriend. Also, I'm not sure if she even knows my name. She called me Buddy Holly today because of my glasses, lol.

In other "frustrated with being attracted to unavailable people news" a beautiful coworker from another department, who I haven't gotten a chance to talk to that much, but seems nice, was made the head of my department, effective in January. Obviously I can't undermine her authority so she's off limits. To be honest though, she probably wouldn't be interested in me anyway. She has model-like looks and wouldn't be attracted to a mere mortal like me. Way out of my league.

Uggggghhhhhh.....

fork like your life depended on it.

Her relationship is a whole other story, but I don't think the 19 and 25 age difference would be an issue all by itself. I mean, depending on the individuals involved it might be, but that's the thing about age differences. Age is just a number but maturity differences and/or just being in different places in your lives can be an issue. But you only know that by dating someone. One of my friends is married to a man 12 years younger than her and they're great together (they were 37 and 49 when they met.) I dated a man 11 years younger than me and it was an unmitigated disaster (for me, anyway... he learned how to be a fully functioning adult from me.) I think you just have to decide where your comfort level is, get to know people and then decide if you're compatible based on real things like what you value and how you see your place in the world. Age, all by itself, isn't one of those real things.

Jonny, for the record, I'm 19 and work crush is 30. Most of the guys I crush on are mid twenties to thirties. So I don't think it's weird!

And I got work crush's number- for the second time. I had to ask his little brother who was thankfully on facebook today. Now I can tell him when we're going to the movies...

I have a crush, but he's a bartender and this town is too small. We could never be! Plus, I threw myself at him once and he didn't pay attention. Or ignored it. Either way, it didn't work out.

Also, I asked another crush out this morning and he never responded. peas.

I sent my crush a text about when the movie started and he called back because he doesn't know how to text on his phone. That's what he told me, anyhow. We talked for 5 minutes straight and he sounded so cute and he was like, "I'm really looking forward to tomorrow!". I almost squealed but you'll all be happy to know I waited until the call ended.

WUT I don't get this. But it worked out cute in your favor so yay!

Probably because most of them are. :( I find the same thing with guys, but it's not that you (or I, hopefully) have 'bad' taste, or poor timing, it's just that a lot of people are in relationships a lot of the time. Not to mention that people who are in relationships don't give off that desperation vibe that generally makes others run screaming in the other direction. :)



Nope. You're too hard on yourself. Sure, there are lots of suave types out there. But there are plenty of mortals out there who just become insane, second guessing types as soon as they are attracted to someone. This appears to be life. I would think I'd be over that by now (1 marriage and 1 long term relationship later), but, no. I just sort of try to hide it better.



Women (in my experience), aren't as crazy hung up on looks as men appear to be (based on observation, working with a whole lot of guys who want to settle down with a super model). For women, it's personality first. Of course looks are the basis of initial attraction, but personality counts for a whole lot more as long as you can get their attention long enough to get on their radar.

The boss thing, on the other hand, is not something I'd recommend trying to work around. Not if you enjoy and/or need your job.

Thanks for the empathetic words, triskellgirl!

Do you mind if I ask where you're from upstate? I only ask because that's where I'm from originally. The Olympic region. If you don't feel comfortable answering on a public forum, don't worry about it!

The date was awesome! He wants to do it again! I am beside myself with happiness right now. My first date ever!

Hell yeah, GCZ! So glad your bravery was rewarded.

Not that it matters, but did you see anything good? Or were you too busy making out to watch? :P