Post Punk Kitchen Forum

A few quick technical questions about OK Cupid:

1. When you're using Quickmatch is there any way to go to someone's expanded profile who you're interested in?

2. Does it alert a person each time you visit their page or just once?

3. Is there anyway to do an advanced search by diet? Being omni is in no way a deal breaker for me, but meeting fellow veg*ns would definitely be a positive.

This is good advice. I'm struggling with what to include in my profile.

Doesn't everyone say they're warm, smart, funny and laid back in their profiles though? I've read so many with identical wording that it almost seems meaningless.

ETA: Like Fupa, I'd love it if someone felt like critiquing my profile: AdirondackJon. :)

Yes, but it just means you have to be creative in what you say. (I don't follow my own advice, I don't think I say much that's different from what other people say. It's the little things that are hard to articulate sometimes that differentiate people from each other sometimes.)

A lot of people might, but not everyone, and it's whether it's true or not that matters, something you just have to pick up on in conversation with people. I told the truth in my profile, if someone found it meaningless that was up to them. It seems a bit harsh to shoot people down because they don't have a perfectly written profile, but yet hope they'll be able to take interest in you if you put all your negativities upfront. You're asking an awful lot of people who don't owe you anything.

Putting all your negatives upfront may be honest, but it also tells people that you're still struggling with these things. Most people have hard enough lives without walking straight into something which could prove hard to cope with. Balanced people often have to work hard to balance their lives, most aren't going to want to take the risk you'd be asking them to. I'm all for people's weirdness matching up, but you really don't want to attract people who are struggling to cope with their own challenges, that would just become toxic and harmful to you both, very quickly.

I know you're lonely, it's not an easy place to be, but perhaps you need to learn how to be happy in your own company before you ask someone else to be happy in it. It's honestly the only way to move forward, in my experience.

Sorry, Fezza. I realize in retrospect this might sound jerkish and like it was directed towards you. I didn't mean it to be.

And for Fupa and GCZ, I've changed it a lot since you saw it. Hopefully it's a lot more positive now.

I think it goes back to what Sprite said a while back about your profile being like a resume. Sure, a lot of people might say that kind of stuff, but that doesn't mean that's all there is to them. It's just the little blurb they decide to put out to everyone. If you send some of these people messages and develop a conversation with them, you'll probably learn that many of them are interesting, multifaceted human beings who also happen to be warm, funny, smart, etc. The better conversations/dates from OKC I've had came from messages about common interests (for instance, from fellow crafters, or from people with similar career goals, or who just like the same nerdy things as me) rather than broad personality features anyway.

Not at all xxx

What sort of thing would attract you to someone's profile?

Honestly, someone who was tolerant of of me having made a lot of colossal mistakes in my life and having some baggage, but who also challenged and inspired me to be a better person. I'm not sure how that could be communicated in an online profile though. And like you said, I'm probably expecting WAY too much from a potential partner and that's not fair or realistic.

I suck at resumes too! :( But I'm going to force myself to get better at OKC.

Yes, you can search by diet!! At the top of the screen where there are a series of icons, click the heart symbol, which will take you to the match search form. You'll see a bunch of blue search fields, followed by a green one that says "Advanced". If you click "Advanced", it will give you a drop-down menu. At the bottom of the drop-down menu is "Diet"!

Thanks, CQ! You rock. Do you know what the "enemy" percentages mean?

When you answer a bunch of Match questions, it starts calculating your match percentage with other people. If you and someone else have answered questions in ways that tell OKC that you'd be a poor match, that stat becomes your "enemy" percentage.

Oh, and your Quickmatch question -- also yes! There is a sneaky work-around to this setup. When someone comes up and you want to read their expanded profile, rank them 3 stars. (If you rank them 4 or 5, they may get a notification that you were interested in them, if they've indicated they are interested in you.) On the next screen, a tiny thumbnail of their photo will appear to the right of the stars. Click that and it will take you to their profile!

Something that I like to see when looking at people's profiles are what makes them happy in life, what they enjoy, where they like to spend their time. I find that those types of things can be more telling and unique than the adjectives you mentioned.

Choirqueer=the best. Thanks, bud. :)

I don't think that's expecting too much of a potential partner, but it is expecting too much of an online profile. This is the kind of stuff that you find out as you get to know someone.

My partner has both some serious health issues/physical limitations, and suffers from chronic depression. He didn't mention any of that in his profile (although having lots of depression sufferers in my life, I kind of anticipated that part). He hinted at the physical stuff when we were corresponding, mentioning exhaustion, and only on the first date did he fully disclose what his actual issues are. He'd had too many women reject him based solely on finding out about his illness. Thing is, I couldn't care less, because, as Fezza said, it's only a small part of who he is. I don't think I'd have been turned off of his profile if he'd mentioned it in passing (although given the past rejections based on it, I understand why he didn't) but if he'd stated it in negative terms, basically saying "I'm a wreck", yeah, I might have thought "wow, he needs to come to terms with some stuff first". As it was, I got to know the fuller picture of who he is before he told me.

I appreciate your wanting to be honest about your issues up front, but there are ways of doing it without sounding like you're wallowing in self-loathing. For example, I am not conventionally attractive. I'm short, fat (I'm using that as a neutral descriptive, not a negative one), and do not have a face that would launch a thousand ships. Although I have come to accept and even love my looks, I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea, so I wanted to be honest about it. (I've had too many dates in the past where someone expected one thing from my profile only to show up at the first date and say "yeah, I don't think this is going to go anywhere" before we even had a chance to talk. Ouch.) I could have written something like "I'm fat and ugly and you'll like me if you put a bag over my head", and claimed I was just being honest, and wanting to find someone to accept me warts and all, but seriously, who would want to date that girl? Looks notwithstanding, she hates herself. But I don't hate myself. So I put it out there honestly, but in a way that said "This is me. I like me. If you think you like me too, contact me." I posted realistic but flattering pictures as my main photos and one or two unflattering pictures showing me doing cool stuff (assist feeding a Cooper's Hawk, for example). And in my profile, I wrote something along the lines of "if you're looking for a sculpted waif with model-like features" you should keep on looking but that "if you were looking for a small, voluptuous brunette with an expressive face" you'd come to the right place.

As for getting stuff like "warm, funny, laid back" etc. across without saying the same thing as everyone else, the best advice I ever heard was "don't say it, show it". So instead of saying "I've got a great sense of humor", write something humorous. Instead of saying "I'm laid back" write "I don't let the little stuff get me down" (or whatever you think demonstrates your laid-backness). For example, I knew I was looking for a smart, funny man who was kind to animals and enjoyed nature, and my partner had written a funny profile, wrote that one of his hobbies was "adoring kitties" and that he enjoyed photographing Hymenoptera (and also referred to lycopene at some point). I suspected he was the right one long before we met.

(It may be worth noting that I spent seven years single before I even contemplated internet dating. It was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I created a life for myself that I loved. Dating from that point put me in a position of power. I knew that I didn't need anyone else to make me happy, and I love my life so much that someone had to be pretty extraordinary to make me consider changing anything. It's the first time in my life I feel like I haven't settled in a relationship. I know everyone is different, and I wouldn't suggest everyone should take seven years between relationships, but I will repeat the advice of others that it might be a good idea to spend some time getting to like/love yourself and your life. Just something to consider.)

I think this is probably key. Thanks for the really helpful response. :)

What's interesting to me here is that all of the things you have listed are about how they make you feel better, and not about who they actually are. You don't seem to be looking for an actual person but a salve for your wounds, and that absolutely cannot result in a healthy relationship.

For example, the things I want in a partner are someone who is politically engaged, devoted to social justice, whip smart, funny, kind, committed to open and honest communication and down with spending Friday nights eating take-out and watching marathons of TV shows.

If I met someone and they told me what drew them to me was that they figured I'd be tolerant of their baggage and would make them a better person I'd run far and fast.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I promise it's coming from a place of kindness from a lot of people who have been in unhealthy relationships: you need to work on yourself before you can be in a healthy and mutually joyful relationship.

J-Dub, thank you for your response. I want all the things you want in a partner. I want to be with someone funny, smart, left-wing, and OK with me being a bit of a homebody. But it's also pretty important to me that I be with someone who is stable and tolerant of my baggage. I'm sorry if that's forked.

My mom has a a bunch of self-loathing, crippling insecurities and off and on depression. I think I just have one of those personalities. I might be dealing with this sort of stuff for the rest of my life. I don't think I can just wait until I'm magically a more together person to begin dating people. I was honestly thinking of going to see the new Twilight movie (because I've already seen all the other films in the theater) by myself last night. That's beyond pathetic. I really need to meet someone.

Why is that pathetic? I love going to movies on my own.

Plus, you don't need to be in a relationship to find people to go the movies with you. Friends do that too.

Sorry, I edited my post. It's pathetic because I've already seen all the movies in the theater (by myself) and don't really want to see Twilight. I just want an excuse to get out of the house.

I think the reason someone will tolerant of another person's baggage is if they like that person enough for other reasons. my husband and I both have baggage and he deals with my depression and anxiety and I deal with his stuff because we get along so well and enjoy each others company and have a lot in common. We don't love each other because of our respective baggage, we just love each other as a whole package. Neither of us knew about our crepe right from the start. We just knew we had fun together and as the other things start to come out, you figure out whether it's something you can deal with. I don't think it's a terrible idea to let someone know up front that you're dealing with depression, but why would someone want to date you if the only thing they know about you is that you're depressed and insecure?

Going to the movies alone isn't terrible. I used to do it all the time. It's sort of nice to feel comfortable doing that. Maybe give it a shot and see how you feel.

Anyway, I really don't want to make this thread the "me me" whine session. So I'm going to take a breather. But if anyone wanted to critique my OKC profile ("AdirondackJon") I'd appreciate it.

I don't think anyone is suggesting you have to "magically be a more together person" to start dating. I think what everyone is saying, you need to come more to terms with who you are, including all your messiness and dysfunction. None of us ever shed all of our baggage, but not actually hating yourself because of your baggage is key. Plus, there's nothing magical about getting to that point. It takes a lot of hard work. I think what a lot of people here are gently trying to suggest is that until you are willing to do some of that work, the chances of finding a healthy relationship are pretty small.

ETA: I posted this before I saw that you're taking a breather, Jonny, but I'm going to leave it up. I hope it doesn't feel like we're piling on. I think a lot of us have been there in one form or another and are trying to give you the benefit of our experience. It must seem overwhelming, but know that much of this advice is coming from a kind place.