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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 12:27 pm 
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Plus, you don't need to be in a relationship to find people to go the movies with you. Friends do that too.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 12:27 pm 
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lepelaar wrote:
Why is that pathetic? I love going to movies on my own.


Sorry, I edited my post. It's pathetic because I've already seen all the movies in the theater (by myself) and don't really want to see Twilight. I just want an excuse to get out of the house.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 12:28 pm 
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I think the reason someone will tolerant of another person's baggage is if they like that person enough for other reasons. my husband and I both have baggage and he deals with my depression and anxiety and I deal with his stuff because we get along so well and enjoy each others company and have a lot in common. We don't love each other because of our respective baggage, we just love each other as a whole package. Neither of us knew about our crepe right from the start. We just knew we had fun together and as the other things start to come out, you figure out whether it's something you can deal with. I don't think it's a terrible idea to let someone know up front that you're dealing with depression, but why would someone want to date you if the only thing they know about you is that you're depressed and insecure?

Going to the movies alone isn't terrible. I used to do it all the time. It's sort of nice to feel comfortable doing that. Maybe give it a shot and see how you feel.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 12:30 pm 
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Anyway, I really don't want to make this thread the "me me" whine session. So I'm going to take a breather. But if anyone wanted to critique my OKC profile ("AdirondackJon") I'd appreciate it.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 12:32 pm 
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I don't think anyone is suggesting you have to "magically be a more together person" to start dating. I think what everyone is saying, you need to come more to terms with who you are, including all your messiness and dysfunction. None of us ever shed all of our baggage, but not actually hating yourself because of your baggage is key. Plus, there's nothing magical about getting to that point. It takes a lot of hard work. I think what a lot of people here are gently trying to suggest is that until you are willing to do some of that work, the chances of finding a healthy relationship are pretty small.

ETA: I posted this before I saw that you're taking a breather, Jonny, but I'm going to leave it up. I hope it doesn't feel like we're piling on. I think a lot of us have been there in one form or another and are trying to give you the benefit of our experience. It must seem overwhelming, but know that much of this advice is coming from a kind place.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 12:57 pm 
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lepelaar wrote:
Why is that pathetic? I love going to movies on my own.


Me too. Ive seen Skyfall on my own twice. If you want to see a movie, go. Maybe don't go at 7pm on a Friday night if ou don't want to be surrounded by gooey couples.


Fezza, you are the best. Can I be you when I grow up?

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 1:00 pm 
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lavawitch wrote:
Me too. Ive seen Skyfall on my own twice.


Skyfall was sooooooo good. Craig is definitely one of my favorite Bonds. Flight and Argo were also awesome.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 1:06 pm 
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fezza wrote:
JonnyWoop wrote:
booberthefraggle wrote:

no one is going to introduce themselves to you as a bad decision!


You're right, obviously. I just wish people could be more upfront about this kind of stuff. Why not put our cards on the table and see if our baggage is compatible? It would make my life a lot easier at least.


You're not leaving room for people's life experiences. I would be put off with someone making their mental health problems the biggest part of them in a profile. I spent 13 years living with someone with mental health and addiction problems. If those were the first things I read about someone I'd never met, my brain (and heart) would immediately to into self-protection mode. I suffer from two neurological diseases that can leave me incapacitated at times, it's not the first thing I tell people about myself, because it has enough of an impact on my life without me making it the main description of me as a person. I am a warm, compassionate, funny, intelligent, creative and feisty woman who just happens to have these challenges in her life. I don't hide it from people, sometimes I tell them in emails before we meet or after we've met. It's never been a barrier to me meeting people because I don't make it the first thought people have about me.


This is wise, compassionate, and true. There are far more compelling things about you than what you've been through. That doesn't minimize or trivialize your experiences. Mental illness is scary and life-altering, but no matter how recent or traumatizing, your "baggage" is not all, or even most, of who you are. It doesn't define you. People on OkCupid, your life in Massachusetts, and here, will look forward to knowing who *you* are and what you are passionate about. And they will be excited when you show genuine interest in them, and not what they can do for you.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 1:13 pm 
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I have a date tomorrow!


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 1:16 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
I have a date tomorrow!


Hooray!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 1:24 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
I have a date tomorrow!


*high fives*


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 1:45 pm 
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Since we're all weighing in on JonnyWoop's potential dating life, here's my two cents. I don't have an opinion on whether you go on dates or not (and going on dates is a far different thing from finding a partner, if that's what we're concerned about, who knows what dates might lead to), but dude, make some friends! One person is not going to cure your loneliness and it's totally unhealthy to expect them to. You don't need a girlfriend to go to the movies with someone. I think if you entered a relationship without any outside friends that would be terribly unhealthy, plus if I was interested in dating someone and it turned out they had no friends and were prioritizing dating completely over making friends I would run the other way. No one can be someone's everything and I don't want anyone to expect me to be. Plus friends are a lot more likely to be in your life longterm.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 2:25 pm 
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strawberryrock wrote:
Since we're all weighing in on JonnyWoop's potential dating life, here's my two cents.


Image

j-dub wrote:
...I'd run far and fast.


strawberryrock wrote:
...I would run the other way.


I'm sensing a theme here.

Honestly I don't want this thread to turn into my pity party because it's annoying for you and not particularly helpful for me to wallow in my misery, so I feel like maybe I should just stop responding to people's messages. But I suck at making friends. I'm great at making casual acquaintances. I pretty much stopped being able to make deep friendships with new people at the end of high school. Not to get all psychoanalytical, but after reading a lot of feminism, I think it might have to do with socialization into "manhood" and the erection (heh) of emotional barriers that come with it. Up until recently I did have two remaining close friends, a pair of twins I've know since I was a kid. But they don't live in Boston and have recently dropped out of my life. When I was really in the pits I begged them to pick me up from the hospital I was stuck in and they refused. We haven't really talked since.

Anyway, I'm kind of a loner. I know it's unhealthy. But both of my parents are loners. And I guess that's the kind of person I'm looking for.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 2:32 pm 
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I hope I didn't sound like a dick in the post above. I know J-Dub and Strawberryrock are coming from a well-intentioned place and I appreciate their concern. :)


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 2:42 pm 
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Learning how to make friends sounds like a super good task for you to work on. Maybe this is a good start? At very least it would give you something to do other than watch Twilight alone.
http://www.meetup.com/Boston-Vegan-Meetup/

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 2:48 pm 
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strawberryrock wrote:
Learning how to make friends sounds like a super good task for you to work on. Maybe this is a good start? At very least it would give you something to do other than watch Twilight alone.
http://www.meetup.com/Boston-Vegan-Meetup/


Thanks! I'll have to check it out. :)


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 3:03 pm 
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Also, your posts seem to indicate you have lefty political leanings that are important to you. Have you considered volunteering at something like Food Not Bombs (or some other project that appeals to you more)? For me, stuff like that is better than a meet up for making friends, because I can be awkward and shy, but having tasks to do forces me to interact with people - and make friends. And people tend to be pretty warm and accepting of a person who offers to wash dishes. Man, I love new people who offer to wash dishes. I can be pretty prickly and cynical, but when I meet someone who is willing to jump right in and do drudge work that everyone else hates, I cannot sing that person's praises loud enough.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 3:05 pm 
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Also obviously people do find success through online dating, and I've dated people from OkCupid for brief periods of times, but all the people I've actually been in relationships with I met through friends. And then those relationships were all horrible it was really good that I had friends to support me during and after. Conclusion: Friends are great.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 3:12 pm 
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strawberryrock wrote:
I've dated people from OkCupid for brief periods of times, but all the people I've actually been in relationships with I met through friends. And then those relationships were all horrible


It sounds like you haven't had much luck with relationships. Let's all gang up and talk about your issues! Kidding. :P

But you're definitely right, friends are great.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 3:21 pm 
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JonnyWoop wrote:
strawberryrock wrote:
I've dated people from OkCupid for brief periods of times, but all the people I've actually been in relationships with I met through friends. And then those relationships were all horrible


It sounds like you haven't had much luck with relationships. Let's all gang up and talk about your issues! Kidding. :P

But you're definitely right, friends are great.


Oh I've got plenty of issues, I just don't think a relationship is an automatic fix for any of them.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 6:58 pm 
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Do you folks respond to every message you get? I got one from a woman who seems nice and she wrote me like three paragraphs. But I'm not attracted to her and don't want to lead her on or waste anybody's time. That said, I don't want to be a jerk.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 7:08 pm 
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Jonny, not to pile on you since I know you've had a lot of responses, but honestly I think you probably have a lot less baggage than you think you do. Most people have some kind of health issue or combination of flaws that have affected their lives, and that's okay. Hell, it's normal. I don't think it's something you need to wear as a badge in order to have honest and authentic relationships with other people. I feel like you should be open about your issues as relationships develop naturally instead of putting them out there so bluntly for other people to see. You might see doing this as being "radically honest," but other people are likely to perceive it as off-putting and needy.

Relax! Make some friends! Since a romantic relationship is primarily a friendship, I'm not sure how well romance would pan out for you if you have trouble just being friends with people. Right now I think a relationship would go awry and you'd feel even more sad and anxious than you seem to already. Focus on feeling calm and functional, and someday a relationship will be part of that.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 7:18 pm 
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Okay, we're done. JW, you have had an opportunity to ask your question, and people have had a chance to respond. It seems that we have reached an impasse, where neither JW or anyone else is going to change their opinion, so let's drop it. There are awesome dates to be had and vicariously lived through, people, so get out there! And then get back here! And tell us!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 7:23 pm 
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JonnyWoop wrote:

I'm sensing a theme here.


Sometimes the advice we get isn't the advice we want?

Sounds like a lot of people are being thoughtful and caring towards you. Maybe accusing them of piling up isn't the best way to react to them.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 7:46 pm 
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JonnyWoop wrote:
Do you folks respond to every message you get? I got one from a woman who seems nice and she wrote me like three paragraphs. But I'm not attracted to her and don't want to lead her on or waste anybody's time. That said, I don't want to be a jerk.


My policy was that if someone had obviously made an effort, then I would always respond. If I knew I wasn't interested, I'd thank them for sending their really nice message, but that I didn't think we were a good match.

If they just sent a generic "what's up?" or it was clear they hadn't read my profile, I felt no obligation to respond.

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