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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:08 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
so i've decided that i am not going on another date with that lady. she doesn't have a job, lives with her mom, doesn't ride a bike or have a car. her mother has a stick but she said she "can't" learn how to drive it. so it pretty much means i would always have to host, pay for everything, and drive us anywhere unless we took my tandem out which i think is too tall for her to ride comfortably anyways...


I thought you didn't have a job either?


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:14 pm 
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No I lost my full time job but i have a few other side jobbies.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:17 pm 
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Fupapack, That's understandable.

(Jonnywoop I think it's more of power imbalance issue, ie the other person has basically presented themselves in light that makes fupapack do all the work. It's one thing for someone to be unemployed-I dated while unemployed and even dated someone else who was unemployed-but neither of us depended on the other to foot the bill nor provide all transportation, plan everything/etc.)

Just an observation from someone who's dated while unemployed.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:19 pm 
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lillianp wrote:


(Jonnywoop I think it's more of power imbalance issue, ie the other person has basically presented themselves in light that makes fupapack do all the work. It's one thing for someone to be unemployed-I dated while unemployed and even dated someone else who was unemployed-but neither of us depended on the other to foot the bill nor provide all transportation, plan everything/etc.)

Just an observation from someone who's dated while unemployed.


No, you're totally right.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:20 pm 
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JonnyWoop wrote:
lillianp wrote:


(Jonnywoop I think it's more of power imbalance issue, ie the other person has basically presented themselves in light that makes fupapack do all the work. It's one thing for someone to be unemployed-I dated while unemployed and even dated someone else who was unemployed-but neither of us depended on the other to foot the bill nor provide all transportation, plan everything/etc.)

Just an observation from someone who's dated while unemployed.


No, you're totally right.


If that's coming over the interwebs as harsh, I want to make sure you know it's not meant that way, it just seemed like from a third party there might be some confusion here that I might be able to clear up!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:21 pm 
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plus lives with her mom?!


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:22 pm 
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lillianp wrote:
JonnyWoop wrote:
lillianp wrote:


(Jonnywoop I think it's more of power imbalance issue, ie the other person has basically presented themselves in light that makes fupapack do all the work. It's one thing for someone to be unemployed-I dated while unemployed and even dated someone else who was unemployed-but neither of us depended on the other to foot the bill nor provide all transportation, plan everything/etc.)

Just an observation from someone who's dated while unemployed.


No, you're totally right.


If that's coming over the interwebs as harsh, I want to make sure you know it's not meant that way, it just seemed like from a third party there might be some confusion here that I might be able to clear up!


Oh, I didn't read what you wrote as harsh at all. I totally understand why Fupa might not want to see the person again. I was just curious about the job thing because I remember her being pretty bummed about losing her bike job.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:43 pm 
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I live with my mom! But she lives with me, not vice versa. And I have a car and a job. Okay, maybe you should just date me.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:59 pm 
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I can't deal with 'rents¡


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 3:39 pm 
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i once dated someone who lived with his REALLY conservative parents because he was trying to finish up his undergrad a little later in life.... yeah, it was doomed from the start.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 5:29 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
plus lives with her mom?!


Another reason I'm not going to try meeting people. It's hard for me to maintain a place on my own right now and I can't work enough hours now to afford the high rents around here, plus housekeeping/maintanence assistance and student loans. People are pretty judgemental about being old and living with parents. I hope to move out soonish, but I don't know when/if I'll be able to work enough.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 5:32 pm 
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hey, don't put that on me. just because i prefer to date people who are out on their own doesn't there isn't someone who would be opposed to it.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 5:35 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
hey, don't put that on me. just because i prefer to date people who are out on their own doesn't there isn't someone who would be opposed to it.


I was just responding to the whole concept in general. Sorry!

It's true though--I think most people just automatically assume "loser!" Hell, I probably do too.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 7:14 pm 
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This isn't really about dating but I know a lot of people who live with their parents and I don't think that about any of them! My line manager, who is a year or two older than me, lives with his parents and his brother, and I think there may be some extended family in there too (and when I was single if he'd shown any interest in me his living arrangements wouldn't have put me off).

One of my friends (she's 27) lives with her parents and sisters. It seems to work really well for them, and be pretty cosy. My colleague in Museums lives with her 90-something year old mother, as does one of the managers (with his). My parents kind of annoy me if I'm around them too long, but I wish they didn't - I might still be there. It's never even occurred to me that any of these people might find it a problem to date because of their living situation.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 7:34 pm 
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lavawitch wrote:
fupapack wrote:
plus lives with her mom?!


Another reason I'm not going to try meeting people. It's hard for me to maintain a place on my own right now and I can't work enough hours now to afford the high rents around here, plus housekeeping/maintanence assistance and student loans. People are pretty judgemental about being old and living with parents. I hope to move out soonish, but I don't know when/if I'll be able to work enough.


While I do think a lot of people think that, its also hard because there's that lack of privacy you kind of need in a relationship. I once dated a guy who do to debt lived with his parents, and I was only allowed to sleep over if we left the door open o.O He was 22 at the time. Some parents seem to give a lot of space to their adult children who live with them, and that would be much better, but I understand why it would be a deal killer.

You have the Molly card though, I think that would cancel out any parental awkwardness.

EDIT: That isn't to say that you're not awesome enough to cancel it out! Its just extra ammo. God, I think if I went out with you, you'd suspect I was doing so just to hang out with Molly.

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Last edited by Shy Mox on Thu Dec 13, 2012 7:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 7:35 pm 
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yeah sorry to butt in but I just wanted to say that lots of people live with their parents when they're older and it's no big deal. In my mid 20's my bf lived with his parents as they had a pretty big house and they were really cool and laid back, so it was just the natural thing for him to do.

And my current bf's brother and sister both live with his parents and they're both really cool people. Not that fupapack isn't entitled to not wanting to date someone who does, everyone has their preferences.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 7:36 pm 
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I wonder if that is cultural difference between the US and elsewhere. I do feel like culturally there is this message that you should move out as soon as possible - see series of terrible movies including that one with Matthew Mcconaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker.

I haven't ever dated anyone who still lived at home after I turned 20, and I'd like to think it wouldn't worry me, but it would be weird to be having sex and worrying that someone's gran was hearing you.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 7:44 pm 
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different strokes for different folks!


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 8:03 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
I wonder if that is cultural difference between the US and elsewhere. I do feel like culturally there is this message that you should move out as soon as possible - see series of terrible movies including that one with Matthew Mcconaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker.


Which reminds me, I had moved back in with my parents when I was 24 for a couple years. The reason was to save up money and what not since cost of living was so high. When I moved out, my mom gave me a huge lecture about how I was trying to live up to the "American" culture and denying my own culture. And should I also add that my mom was born in the US?

My husband was also living with his parents at the time we started dating but I can understand someone feeling differently about it.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 8:53 pm 
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Shy Mox wrote:
lavawitch wrote:
fupapack wrote:
plus lives with her mom?!


Another reason I'm not going to try meeting people. It's hard for me to maintain a place on my own right now and I can't work enough hours now to afford the high rents around here, plus housekeeping/maintanence assistance and student loans. People are pretty judgemental about being old and living with parents. I hope to move out soonish, but I don't know when/if I'll be able to work enough.


While I do think a lot of people think that, its also hard because there's that lack of privacy you kind of need in a relationship. I once dated a guy who do to debt lived with his parents, and I was only allowed to sleep over if we left the door open o.O He was 22 at the time. Some parents seem to give a lot of space to their adult children who live with them, and that would be much better, but I understand why it would be a deal killer.

You have the Molly card though, I think that would cancel out any parental awkwardness.

EDIT: That isn't to say that you're not awesome enough to cancel it out! Its just extra ammo. God, I think if I went out with you, you'd suspect I was doing so just to hang out with Molly.



Are you a guy person? Molly is a shameless hussy. She is pretty indifferent to other girl types unless she wants something. Guys, she is crawling all over and cooing at within 5 minutes. She tried to hook me p with a sweet, smart, hot vegetarian guy once, but I didn't notice until too late.

I think I'm oversensitive on the living at home thing because it's not where I want to be at this point, but I also have low incentive to change things because I have it good here (independence, total privacy, etc), and it would be physically difficult to manage completely on my own. Not to say I couldn't do it, but I'd have to channel a lot of my energy into it. Also, when I was working full time, I paid my parents rent almost equal to what I'd pay for a place of my own in order to help them, but now I feel like a mooch since I just cover my own expenses. I've always been pretty independent, so I guess it just really grates on me so it's baggage I definitely need to work through before thinking about dating.

I do think that these days lots of people have compelling reasons for living with parents, other than still having the maturity of a 15 your old.

If I started bringing a guy home, I'm pretty sure my parents would be thrilled (and stay out of te way). They worry about me.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 9:09 pm 
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I think for most people living with parents is a total minus. But for me it meant so much more freedom to have my mom live with me. My boyf loves it because its enabled me to buy this house that he can see himself living in one day. She cleans up after herself and buys nice things for the house making her better than any of his past roommates. And she walks Chester. But if he lived with his parents...I don't think we could date. They make him crazy, and they're super religious and conservative. And I have this other friend that lives with his parents that I would totally date because his parents are super cool and there's a ton of space.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 9:30 pm 
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I used to think grown children who lived with parents were kinda funky, but I've gradually changed my mind. My boyfriend lived with his parents when we first started dating, but I had my own place, so it was fine. I'm glad I gave him a chance anyhow. His parents are kinda old, a lot older than mine, and actually, one of his brothers lives with them now and helps out, or seems to. So I guess it's a different situation, but... I guess my point was, maybe it isn't always the worst thing, even though I used to think it was.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 1:43 am 
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My dad and I have an apartment together. I live here all the time, he lives here during the week because his job is here in PA, but when he doesn't have to be at work, he goes home to the house he lives in with my mom in NY. Our financial arrangements are a bit complicated, but that's not really anybody's business but ours. Basically it's just like, I have a roommate who isn't around much, he just happens to be my dad.

So on the one hand, I would say that in general, different people's situations are different, and I would think it was pretty weird if someone who was otherwise interested in dating me decided not to just because my roommate happens to be my parent. But on the other hand, I agree with fupapack -- people can date whomever they want for whatever reasons they want. I definitely feel like that's an area where it's totally legitimate to discriminate based on criteria that would be inappropriate in other situations.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 2:03 am 
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Living with their parents wouldn't be an automatic deal-killer, it would depend on the situation. A guy my age living in his parents' basement with his mom doing his laundry because he'd never bothered to move out would send up red flags, but a situation like cq's totally wouldn't. I shared a rental duplex with my mom for a couple years; I rented the upstairs and the downstairs neighbors moved out a couple of months before my mom moved to town. The apartment was right for her and we just needed to mutually decide if we could live in that close proximity. I mean, it wasn't living with her because it was two completely separate apartments but we took care of the yard together and treated a few minor things like we were a single household (really minor things like internet, netflix, costco membership, etc...) I can see a guy feeling weird about it just because of the idea of a woman's mother watching his comings and goings even if she wasn't doing that. Everyone's got their comfort level.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 8:39 am 
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And I just got this message "I like your hair...it reminds me of bozo the clowns pubes" what is wrong with people? i also looked at the questions she had answered and apparently she likes racist jokes! Wheee!


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