Post Punk Kitchen Forum

I find I swing one way or the other. I think if I exercise too hard, I go into a despair spiral that's triggered by low blood sugar.

It's kinda helpful to know I'm not alone <3

Pick-up line I considered using on OK Cupid:

So your favorite movie is "Girl, Interrupted?" Well, I was a patient at that hospital five months ago!

I'm in a real funk. It's that time of the month, but jesus this sucks. I don't even want to clean my house, that's how down I am.

I just had a really bad mood swing. I went to a holiday concert and things went downhill from there and haven't gotten back up. Something about not getting to participate with the band and chorus anymore really upsets me- I feel like I have no purpose since I graduated high school. I remember that every time I step foot in there. I haven't done anything meaningful since last year. And that makes me feel really low.

I've been having a rough few days. Not the worst I've ever experienced, but I was definitely in a funk. When I'm depressed or not feeling good about myself, I experience bouts of anger. It's been really unpleasant at home.

So, I called around for help. I don't have insurance anymore, and the place I was going to before (when I had insurance) is now $180 per visit. I can't afford that, so I called a few places. One of them, the local behavioral health facility, said they only see people without insurance if they are in crisis. Fair enough. I was not. I was referred to a couple of other places, so I called and left messages. Not a single one called me back.

All that did was make me feel worse. I'm feeling ... ok this morning, I guess. I distracted myself for a little bit by rearranging my bedroom, but that's about all the energy I have. Now what? Self pity party, that's what.

Mental healthcare should be free and available to everyone who needs it. What bullshiitake. :(

Sorry you're going through a rough time, walrus. Makes me angry when I hear about places not calling back, don't they realise how hard it is for some people to get up the nerve to call in the first place? That's just so wrong.

I get angry when I'm depressed as well, which makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm acting snotty to people and while I'm probably not most of the time, I am some of the time. And then that makes me feel bad for hours after about what a horrible person I feel like I am! I made a real effort one day last week to have a smile on my face as much as possible, and it worked for most of the day, but it's hard when my leg starts hurting. It's all a balancing act.

I feel really bad for you guys. Our health service isn't all that great but at least mental health care is free as an outpatient. I have appointments every 3 or 4 weeks at the moment with the psychiatrist and the only cost involved for me is medication and petrol getting to the appointments.

Oh, and now I am working with my psychiatrist. Makes me seem him in a different light altogether. I used to dislike him when I worked with him years ago but now I actually like him since I started seeing him as a patient. At first I could tell he thought I was just a chancer looking to be off work sick but after a few reviews he changed his mind and realised my work situation was actually that bad. Since then he has been great. Even stopped to chat yesterday for a few minutes. Years ago he would barely say hello! He would just look at you as if to say..... who are you and why are you breathing the same air as me?! Pity he is going to be finishing up soon and my old psychiatrist will be back. Although she is lovely too.

I started off rocky this week but as the week has gone on things haven't been too bad. Settling in a bit at work and now that I am getting a bit more comfortable there my mood isn't as crappy.

So I did this (and of course it all went out the window the moment I opened my mouth) and it was actually really helpful in making me get it out. You were right. Saying it to the therapist was a huge relief even though the next steps are still unclear.

Spoilered for rambling about today's appointment:


PPK, does dealing with depression in therapy ever get less awkward and stressful? We're trying to work through possible causes, but I know it's not stress and I do have friends and even if I wasn't in SoCal I'm usually happiest in the fall/winter so we've ruled out the usual suspects. I wish I could figure things out beyond knowing that I feel like I'm falling back into my own head which has always been a scary place. Sorry for the whine.

i think therapy for depression is to some extent always awkward, stressful, and often involves stirring up things you'd rather not think about.

i think the relationship with the therapist, and the therapist herself, is also a factor, though. if after a while you're still struggling to make the therapist understand you, or if you have basic disagreements about fundamental issues, it might be better to tell her, you know, we don't seem to be understanding each other.

hugs, dapper one. i know for me therapy for depression was often a peek inside a place i didn't want to think about, like you said. it got better with time for me, hope it does for you, too.

my friend went to mclean as well, jwoop!

i'm feeling mega posi i mountain biked for 3 hours today and feel blissful now. i'm just so worried because the weather is suppose to turn again in a few days :/

There are other lunatics out in the world, yay! :)

I haven't dealt with depression in therapy but I've worked on other hard, dark, shameful** pieces and it does get easier as you make progress and create a stronger relationship with your therapist. But it's never easy. Therapy's not meant to be, and if it is it's probably not doing you much good.

Good for you for saying hard scary things!

**Not that depression (or what I was dealing with) SHOULD be (or is) shameful, but that our forked up society instills a sense of shame in us.

Zwingtip, huge pat on the back for you!
I think that in continuing to talk with your/a different therapist, you will start to unravel what you are feeling and that alone can help with depression. I too have a really hard time identifying how I'm feeling and introspection is forking hard, but I think it's worth it after all the time I've spent trying not to feel my feelings.

Ack! I saw the junior doctor today and he wouldn't agree to me waiting for 3 months for the next appointment. I have to go back in 6 weeks.

Hey guys,

I'm here looking for some advice, hoping maybe some of you guys have had to deal with depression in family members? Here's the deal--

My mom always had really bad depression and it's gotten worse over the years. My parents relocated from CA to rural WA a few years ago hoping a change of scene would help (as expected, it didn't); in fact, the isolation has made her much worse. She's basically got depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, and fear of being alone and it's really taking a toll on me and my dad. She claims part of the problem is that she feels isolated and has no one to lean on (our family is limited to me and my dad); it's a catch 22 though because at this point she won't/can't make an effort to make friends and whenever she does meet new people she drives them away by unloading her emotional crepe on them. She's also been sort of incapacitated by a knee injury that she is recovering from which limits her ability to get out, so I'm sure that is not helping. She's been to therapists and has taken a number of antidepressants and they don't seem to work (or she won't stay on them long enough for them to have an effect). She suffers from insomnia (is addicted to sleeping pills) and can't really take anti-anxiety meds because she got addicted to xanax and had to go to a clinic to break the addiction. There just seems to be so much going on with her I don't know where to start. Her last psychologist wanted to send her to some kind of institution several hours away in Seattle but she is totally unwilling/scared to do that. She's also unwilling to do any work on herself with a therapist and expects me and my dad to "cure" her; I'm trying more of a tough love approach but my dad is more of an enabler, just giving in to whatever she wants at the expense of his mental and physical health.

I know it sounds cruel but after 20 years of this I'm at the point of never wanting to see her again. It's starting to have an effect on my relationship with my partner because I have to spend less time with him in order to counsel her every day. I have gotten sucked into calling her every single day and my dad has started to take multiple days off work just to keep her company and is at risk of losing his job. She has asked me to take a year hiatus from my graduate studies and marriage to live with her and basically keep her company. Obviously, I'm not going to do that. I feel like she's just a huge black hole sucking all the joy out of my life....but I really do want to help her find some peace.

So my question is, has anyone else had to deal with this kind of thing or does anyone have any advice? I'm thinking of talking to my own therapist about how to deal with her but it would really help me to hear from people who have had similar experiences. I don't even know if the approach I'm taking with her is appropriate.

Thanks for reading! Honestly, I feel better just by venting semi-anonymously. But I'd also appreciate any insights. :)

Word. All I know is, if I reach crisis point I can get checked in? It's total bullshiitake. I shouldn't be forced into that realm and then seek help.

I'm feeling better. Not by much, but enough to get by.

Oh couroupita, that sounds really tough. I would talk to your mothers health care providers and see what they could recommend. Taking a break from your life to keep her company would definitely be the wrong thing to do as it will only encourage her dependency issues. Is family therapy an option since her illness is not only ruling her life but you and your dad's too. She may need to hear that in an environment that is therapeutic.

For now I would try bargain with her. Tell her you will only spend time with her if she takes up outside interests. Like.... only spend 2 hours with her at the weekend IF she goes to some kind of group/club that encourages socialisation once a week. Basically you will be rewarding her for being sociable rather than rewarding her with your time for being depressed.

Definitely not alone.

There are only a few physical things I can do without sending myself into a dank pit of self-loathing. Walking, yoga, climbing, and that's about it. On a good day, kayaking? Or if I'm not doing it to ~excercise~ swimming can be good.

Team sports make me feel like the weakest link, and then I start worrying I'm bringing down the whole team, that everyone would be so much better off if I wasn't on the pitch getting in the way and messing up all their games. Individual stuff like running just makes me angry with myself for being a weakling.

If I'm not thinking about it as exercise and it's just walking to the store or running around and lifting things at work, I know I do feel better after getting up and moving. It's the actual moving part that can be a pain, especially when it feels like an obligation.

My therapist suggested I get on anti-depressants and/or anxiety medications. I have an appointment with a doctor after the holidays. Can anyone let me know what their experience with medications is like? I'm kind of scared.

Didn't get enough self-care time this weekend so have started this week grouchy and unreasonably anxious/sad for no specific reason.

I was out from under the bell jar for about a month in a half, but it's slammed back down around me, hard. It makes me feel like a terrible person and riddled with guilt, but at the same time, I just can't get out of bed. I did get up and shower and make it to work on time, but I don't know how much else I will accomplish today. I need to clean the kitchen and fridge, drop off my laundry, and grocery shop. It shouldn't be this hard.

couroupita, to go along with daisychain's suggestion, can you do things with her that might lead her to having more friends? Take some kind of class or join a group together? That might help limit the time you're spending with her while also working towards the goal of getting her out more.

That's just a really basic practical suggestion though. It sounds like her problems are more complicated than that and I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. Beyond that I can't really offer any help other than my sympathy.

Guys..... I feel so "normal" right now. I'm actually emotional at times because I'm so relieved to not be depressed. It didn't even bother me when a woman drove into the back of my car today. Before that would have sparked a downward spiral of negative thinking and I would manage to spin it to pin all the blame and fault on me and start obsessively thinking about it. While today I just laughed at the fact that all it done was knock a bit of dirt off of my car.