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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 4:39 pm 
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***LIES!!!***
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Aww, flava. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, especially because I'm sure you still love your partner and want to do right by him, even though his journey is forking with the plans you had for your marriage. I second the advice for a good counselor and when/if necessary, a collaborative divorce attorney.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 4:40 pm 
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Aw Flava. You have my love and support too.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 4:47 pm 
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Bathes in Braggs
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Thanks guys. We do have an excellent counselor who we've been seeing for the past year. We're hoping she's going to be able to help us through this transition. We're both heartbroken, but I think in time we'll realize that this is for the best for all involved.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 8:05 pm 
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The Real Hamburger Helper
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I'm so sorry to hear that flavabean. You guys are such awesome parents to Erza, I hope both of you are able to work out something that will be good for each of you.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 10:09 pm 
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Sorry to hear this, flava. You are such a great mom and Nate seems like a great dad, too. I hope you can work something out peacefully and calmly. I don't really know what else to say, besides anytime you need to decompress you're welcome at our place.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 10:28 pm 
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Sorry you are going through this Flava. It's really nice to see how dedicated you and Nate are to making this easy on Ezra <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2012 6:03 am 
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Seagull of the PPK
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Hang in there Flava. I know that it hasn't been easy for some time now, but i can only imagine the heartbreak.

Gah. The christmas angst has just kicked me in the asparagus today and i feel like such a whiner. So I am spoilering my whine.

Spoiler: show
I often find myself wondering what's with my own relationship. When we talk, it's only "operational" stuff- anything else just doesn't happen- i can ask questions and get met with a shrug, or there is silence. Ask what's the problem? shrug.
I noticed recently that we no longer even say hello or goodbye to each other, which seems so stupid but really breaks my heart. Two days ago I said to Mr T that I am going to pursue my citizenship here because I don't know what the future holds for us, whether FC will go to school in the US or here, or Japan; I don't want to have to worry about following the permanent resident rules any more, and am not sure what he wants in terms of staying or leaving, or even being together.... response? shrug.
I feel so bad because I suppose he's just focusing on his work (i'm not going to interrogate him). In the meantime, his kid is growing up and rarely sees him (she's with me 24/7 now that it's summer, and that's probably why I'm bisqueing so much about her lately) and I'm counting the days til she's 18 and I'll be free to go.
what gets me the most is that when we're around his family, he's so loving and friendly and sweet to me. Last weekend we had a family event and he was so nice. This week, the usual, it's like Cesar Millan- no touch, no talk, no eye contact. This weekend, we are supposed to go somewhere for Christmas. Next year, same thing for New Years. He loves me, he loves me not.
[also, we haven't had sex in maybe.... six months? a year?]
Sure, I'm sure it means that he's trying to put on a brave front. But I'm tired of being the one to analyze everything. The one to try to talk things out. The one doing all the parenting, the one taking care of the taxes, the immigration, the house, and basically everything that is not that bloody business of his. I hate feeling like i'm jealous of the business. I'm not, I'm proud of what he's done, but damn if it doesn't come at the cost of everything else. /moan, sorry.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2012 8:48 am 
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Bathes in Braggs
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I am sorry you are having such a difficult time, flavabean. I can't imagine going through such a difficult transition and having to keep it quiet to everyone as well - that's quite a strain on you. It also seems a lot of the burden is on you because Nate is getting what he needs (and I understand it is likely difficult for him) but it seems you are not. You may end up with a different type of family and you may end up okay with that, but that is not what you initially wanted to have, what you started out with Nate to create, so you have to deal with the loss of that life and then adapt to the new one, whatever that may look like. It's not going to be easy, is it? But whatever happens you both want the best for Ezra and that will help. Sending you lots of hugs.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2012 12:51 pm 
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Love to you flava...major changes like that in a relationship are soo hard, and having a child of course ratchets that up x 10000. I wish you guys the best, and I really want you to feel supported - both here and IRL!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2012 6:22 pm 
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Ugh Brett stayed up for one night for one hour (between 3:30 am and 4:30). It was nice to get to sleep instead of sitting up with her and he seemed to really appreciate how hard this is. He slept in until 10 because he was so exhausted and I did his chores for him. I was supposed to get time between 10 and 11 to run errands today, just an hour, and he threw a fit about me going. I walked out when I was supposed to, having changed and fed the baby and gotten everything set. He called to apologize but seriously, I get 45 minutes to myself every 3 months and you have to throw a tantrum and make me feel bad. And no apologizing doesn't make me feel better, you apologize every time and it never changes.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2012 6:52 pm 
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***LIES!!!***
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torque wrote:
Spoiler: show
I noticed recently that we no longer even say hello or goodbye to each other, which seems so stupid but really breaks my heart.

This week, the usual, it's like Cesar Millan- no touch, no talk, no eye contact. This weekend, we are supposed to go somewhere for Christmas. Next year, same thing for New Years. He loves me, he loves me not.

[also, we haven't had sex in maybe.... six months? a year?]


This is the worst. I'm so sorry, torque.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2012 6:58 pm 
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Because Bob Barker Told Me To
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Ariann wrote:
torque wrote:
Spoiler: show
I noticed recently that we no longer even say hello or goodbye to each other, which seems so stupid but really breaks my heart.

This week, the usual, it's like Cesar Millan- no touch, no talk, no eye contact. This weekend, we are supposed to go somewhere for Christmas. Next year, same thing for New Years. He loves me, he loves me not.

[also, we haven't had sex in maybe.... six months? a year?]


This is the worst. I'm so sorry, torque.

Me too. You deserve better.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2012 11:43 am 
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Seagull of the PPK
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thanks guys.

i asked Mr T to leave today and go away for Christmas without me. I need a bit of space here.
It didn't go well and I'm sure as soon as he arrives all the aunties will be calling me to ask me what the hell my problem is, etc etc. I couldn't really care less. It's not the end of the world, it's just Christmas and I'm depressed and if I'm not going to get any support, I need some forking time to myself. Maybe we're through, maybe we're not, and you know, I'm OK with it either way. I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders.
FC felt completely in the middle- Mr T said he'd be taking her and she immediately froze and I felt so bad. I told her to go and to enjoy a few days of 24/7 screentime and some hot weather. I'm not going to make her decide anything.
Anyway, step taken. I feel better.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2012 11:52 am 
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Semen Strong
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I am so sorry T. Its exhausting when you've been doing everything alone and I hope you have some time and space to take care of yourself.

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But on a cold winter night, when the wind whispers through the trees and a bright, white moon hangs heavy in the air, you might hear a sad cry like someone thinking he knows what's best for you, and that'll be the white man a-passin' you by. just mumbles


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2012 12:30 pm 
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We So Excited
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I'm sorry, torque.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2012 12:36 pm 
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Torque, I know you've been struggling a lot lately, and I sincerely hope that things start getting easier soon. I'll be on my own on Xmas, packing and cleaning and eating what's left in my freezer. If you need company, let me know!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2012 2:36 pm 
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Thinking about you Torque <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2012 4:13 pm 
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<3 Torque!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 8:06 am 
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Bathes in Braggs
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torque, you know your marital situation is a lot like mine was, so I'm feeling for you. I hope the few days off helps clear your head. Be good to yourself.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 8:07 am 
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Bathes in Braggs
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torque, you know your marital situation is a lot like mine was, so I'm feeling for you. I hope the few days off helps clear your head. Be good to yourself.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 11:13 am 
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Seagull of the PPK
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thanks peeps i have spent my whole morning in the garden, came in and cooked lunch from my garden, and am heading out again to plant a jasmine in the ground. talked to the kid on FB just now and all is well on her end.

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Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 6:58 am 
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Bathes in Braggs
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I've been staying at a friend's house this weekend. Nate and I got into a huge argument - he can't see how this is a deal breaker in a relationship, and I am completely exhausted at trying to explain it to him.

I chose the absolute most worst time of the year to do this.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 7:13 am 
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Semen Strong
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Sending you so many good thoughts flavabean. I hope you can use the space to get clear on the support you and Ezra need for your transition. Its hard to feel so unsafe with your partner that you have to leave your home and your child.

It sounds like you could use some gentleness towards yourself. You didn't choose this time to split up, it sounds like the weight of everything just cratered your relationship at this particular moment. And it sounds like Nate is the person behaving unkindly at the moment, by making you defend your choices in a way that you never made him defend his. I hope things ease up soon, and that you can go back to your original agreement of a peaceful transition from your marriage, because you both agree that is best for Ezra, and under the fear, you are both loving and committed parents.

Sending you tons and tons of hugs. Please tell us how we can support you <3

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But on a cold winter night, when the wind whispers through the trees and a bright, white moon hangs heavy in the air, you might hear a sad cry like someone thinking he knows what's best for you, and that'll be the white man a-passin' you by. just mumbles


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 8:54 am 
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Seagull of the PPK
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flavabean wrote:
I've been staying at a friend's house this weekend.

Big hugs. Glad you have a friend there for you, and hope you can be a little extra kind to yourself right now, you need and deserve it.

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Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 1:29 pm 
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flavabean wrote:
I've been staying at a friend's house this weekend. Nate and I got into a huge argument - he can't see how this is a deal breaker in a relationship, and I am completely exhausted at trying to explain it to him.

I chose the absolute most worst time of the year to do this.

Flavabean, I'm so sorry. I don't think you can blame yourself for the timing, would there really be a good time?
And if it helps at all, I think it'd be a dealbreaker for me too. Much love to you :)

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