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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2012 7:50 am 
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Semen Strong
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You know, you can always tell the best negotiators, because they're the ones who are so convincing that the other party thinks the final solution was their idea :)

I am glad things are going well and that Mr J is coming around to seeing that it is over and time to move on and that he is committed to a peaceful transition and doing the best for Fini and Blasto.

We've been thinking of you and sending hugs and good mojo too! Especially because Leela has been wearing your awesome upcycled cupcake rainbow pants.

selfish: I was sorry to see that you're not blogging anymore, because I miss having a little line in to check on you, but I totally see that its the right thing. <3 <3 <3 I hope you post updates here once in a while, because you are super-loved and we're all here for you <3 <3 <3

(((((Hugs to you Jewy & Co. :o)))))))

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2012 5:08 pm 
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ol' garly cooch
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Heard from my lawyer today. Things are starting to materialize. I know I should feel a sense of relief, but I don't. I feel like a horrible failure because my marriage didn't work out, and I feel like I'm somehow letting my kids down, even if we are living under one roof trying to make birdsnest parenting work.

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2012 5:47 pm 
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you shouldn't beat yourself up any more than the other 50% of the population, or whatever the current statistic is. In fact, I think it shows a lot more maturity and worth to acknowledge that it ain't working, and instead of living with a situation that just isn't livable, and possibly setting up a situation where kids grow up seeing bitterness, fighting, resentment, etc, you do something about it. And I think that when kids can see that their parents, who didn't really want to be together, put that dislike aside and found a way to make parenting work because they loved their kids so much, it tells those kids just how precious they are. (sorry about the twisted grammar, i've been translating economic reports all day and my brain is mush)
i love you man, i'm sorry to hear that things are so tough, hang in there.

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2012 6:13 pm 
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Semen Strong
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I am really sorry you're hurting J-bacca. I don't think anyone has ever gone through a divorce (esp with kids) and not felt beaten up at the end of it. It is a rough experience. Losing your spouse is one of the most stressful things a person can go through. (((((Hugs to you))))

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2012 3:21 am 
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jewbacca wrote:
Heard from my lawyer today. Things are starting to materialize. I know I should feel a sense of relief, but I don't. I feel like a horrible failure because my marriage didn't work out, and I feel like I'm somehow letting my kids down, even if we are living under one roof trying to make birdsnest parenting work.

I have a friend who is a successful doctor and every month when she has PMS, she phones me and tells me how she is a failure because she got a divorce. I totally do not think divorce=failure. Possibly because in middle school, one of my best friends' parents got a divorce and she was thrilled. Seriously. No more waking up in the middle of the night to shouting matches! No more anger and bad feelings spreading through the house like a fog!

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2012 4:59 am 
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ol' garly cooch
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Thanks, everyone. I love this place.

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Fri Oct 12, 2012 12:05 pm 
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jewbacca wrote:
I feel like a horrible failure because my marriage didn't work out, and I feel like I'm somehow letting my kids down



That is absolutely not the case! I am an adult, and I still feel sad that my parents never divorced. My mom stuck it out "for the sake of the kids," and I don't know why. My brother and I bore witness to so much unhappiness. I spent most of my school age years hoping they'd just part ways. If you have a found a way to have a respectful relationship with their dad AND be happy trust that your kids will see and appreciate that.

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Fri Oct 12, 2012 12:48 pm 
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Bathes in Braggs
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I really have nothing more to add to the already awesome advice and support you're getting from everyone here, jewy, but I wanted to know that I'm thinking of you and you are absolutely not a failure to yourself or your kids. The fact that you're getting so upset thinking about what your kids must be thinking or feeling proves that you care about them unconditionally. Sending lots of love and hugs your way!


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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 13, 2012 12:23 am 
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ismloveyoubobbybrown wrote:
jewbacca wrote:
I feel like a horrible failure because my marriage didn't work out, and I feel like I'm somehow letting my kids down



That is absolutely not the case! I am an adult, and I still feel sad that my parents never divorced. My mom stuck it out "for the sake of the kids," and I don't know why. My brother and I bore witness to so much unhappiness. I spent most of my school age years hoping they'd just part ways. If you have a found a way to have a respectful relationship with their dad AND be happy trust that your kids will see and appreciate that.

And I was once a kid who was happy that my parents were divorcing. My life was so much better when it was no longer dominated by their arguing. I still had both of my parents and I knew they loved me, and I had peace at home. Fini and Blasto don't need their mother and their father to be married, they just need their mother and their father. <3

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 13, 2012 3:51 pm 
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Since this is the Playground it feels a bit off-topic for me but I'm posting here anyways.

Well, ya'lls probably know my partner of 6.5 years and I ended it back in late July (also, legally, we're married). I sure complained enough about it. Anyhow... I'm at this place now about it where I'm really glad to not be with him anymore, he really has lost all the qualities I loved about him, as a person, he's just totally not for me.

But I'm dating now and I find myself so tempted to try and get myself back into a serious committed thing! I'm putting all these fantasies on my current crush that I think are really inappropriate for what he and have been saying we are doing/wanting. Fantasizing about moving in together, getting married, adopting kids... everything. I "say" on paper that I want to be single and have many sexual/romantic encounters... finally start living and enjoying my 20's now that they're more than halfway through... But I rarely actually feel that. I want to be partnered! I feel annoyed by it; am I really just the type of person that works better in a partnership, or am I just looking for what I'm used to?

Argh!

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 13, 2012 8:50 pm 
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So.. since pops has yet to move out, and I have a bit of extra cash soon, I am taking the children and I away somewhere warm from december to march :) Loads of friends, some family, acquaintances there. :) He will help me get there seeing that travelling with 3 young ones can be a bit hard, and I think he wants to make sure an ex is not picking me up from the airport..

I hope that soon I get a new place (i got approved to be placed on a specific list for subsidized housing that speeds up the process instead of the usual 7-10 year !!! wait). Because though we can get along, well.. I'd rather do that living separately :) Even the children are telling me they want us to live apart from him. That they love him, but not when he yells :(


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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2012 1:15 am 
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Mars, I'm going through something very similar with my divorce. I feel very conflicted. No advice just sympathy!


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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2012 10:36 am 
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Jewy, you are not a failure. You're amazing and brave.

Mars - what Abelskiver said!


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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2012 12:23 pm 
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Bathes in Braggs
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I'm the child of parents who I wish had gotten a divorce. It was absolutely miserable growing up with their constant bickering and one-upmanship - I know there must have been a time when they had been in love, and I really wish I could've seen that. I think my relationship with both of them would've been a lot better if they had decided to admit that their relationship hadn't worked out. Instead I felt like the reason why they wouldn't, and why everyone was miserable. Sometimes divorce or separation really is for the best.

Sending good thoughts to all the parents out there having a tough time at home.


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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2012 3:50 pm 
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Mars wrote:
Since this is the Playground it feels a bit off-topic for me but I'm posting here anyways.

Well, ya'lls probably know my partner of 6.5 years and I ended it back in late July (also, legally, we're married). I sure complained enough about it. Anyhow... I'm at this place now about it where I'm really glad to not be with him anymore, he really has lost all the qualities I loved about him, as a person, he's just totally not for me.

But I'm dating now and I find myself so tempted to try and get myself back into a serious committed thing! I'm putting all these fantasies on my current crush that I think are really inappropriate for what he and have been saying we are doing/wanting. Fantasizing about moving in together, getting married, adopting kids... everything. I "say" on paper that I want to be single and have many sexual/romantic encounters... finally start living and enjoying my 20's now that they're more than halfway through... But I rarely actually feel that. I want to be partnered! I feel annoyed by it; am I really just the type of person that works better in a partnership, or am I just looking for what I'm used to?

Argh!

This is my personal opinion but I always think that it's best to have some time alone before you jump into another partnership. I think that relationships work better when you are comfortable with being alone. It makes it more likely that you will partner with someone for the right reasons.

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2012 9:36 pm 
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sandwich ex is taking the peas. My patience just ran out.


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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 5:07 am 
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ol' garly cooch
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Love to all of you going through a tough time. Mars, I echo what everyone else says. I have a long distance FWB who wants to snatch me up and make me his, but I don't have that to give to him. I don't want to belong to anyone but myself and my kids.

On December 16th it will be official. I'll turn back into a Fish-(my surname). My application for a fee waiver was accepted, so I don't have to pay a filing fee for the divorce.

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2012 6:11 am 
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ol' garly cooch
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I never thought I'd be typing this.

Some stuff has come up and Vin and I might be able to work things out. Neither of us know where to begin, and what exactly to do. So much discussion, change, and healing needs to take place for this to work. boring story even more boring, he's willing to let me be my polyamorous self. To be continued.

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2012 6:18 am 
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J, you never know what might happen, we never do, so just roll with it! I hope you have some support to help you figure out what's going on (therapy, etc) because you all have so much at stake and there's so much baggage- and as you say, so much work to be done.
hang in there bud.

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:13 am 
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Bathes in Braggs
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That sounds like good news, jewbaca. I have to say I admire both of you for committing to what may be a difficult process - I hope things go well.

Yesterday marked 5 months of my husband being gone and he still has not arranged visitation. Other than a 3 hour outing in August, which he arranged by text with youngest son an hour before, he has not had any contact with the two younger boys (13 and 17) still at home.

*Except for* youngest son's soccer games, which he usually attends - if he didn't go to those damn soccer games I wouldn't be as conflicted but I think it is very difficult for my son to see his dad attending the games while not making any effort to spend time with him. This is him all over, though. To attend the soccer games requires no commitment or responsibility on his part and bonus that other parents see him there, and extra bonus if he takes pictures and posts them to the club's facebook page.

I don't want to manage the situation too much but I walk a fine line between doing what is best for my kids and enabling their dad in his bad behaviour. A long-divorced friend, with a 15-y.o. son and a similar ex, and I had a greatly in-depth discussion recently on the issue and it was very helpful.

I don't really need any advice just a few kind ears to listen to my rambling :-) I am going to talk to my lawyer this week.


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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 9:43 am 
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Bathes in Braggs
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Argggh! I am supposed to be working but instead I am obsessing over what to do about the upcoming school break/Christmas. I know that I don't have to do anything more than I have done but I want to do the right thing for my kids and that may not be what I want to do.

Three weeks ago Mr. A. showed up at our house (where I live with our kids) obviously not expecting me to be at home, looking for some of his stuff. I sent him an email about that ("you don't live here, you have to ask me if you can come over") and also added to the email the question of visitation, especially Christmas. I have not heard back from him. Six months and he hasn't arranged any visitation.

Saturday night I was out in the car picking up a prescription and saw him walking from a nearby grocery store with his sister (who lives 5 hours away). It made me furious - I know theoretically that he is out in the world living his life, going to work, living in his apartment just a few minutes drive from us, but I cannot comprehend how he does all this without having any contact with his kids. I had to pull into the parking lot to calm down and keep myself from crying.

Last night I had my book club meeting and missed son3's soccer game, the first one I have missed in over a year. Mr. A was there - I asked son3 this morning if he was there, lightly, adding that I thought his aunt might have been there too - and then he posted on the soccer club's website that it was a great game. Why???? I know why, I think, because he wants the attention for being a dad without any of the work, but it is so ludicrous. You are not seeing your children even over the holiday break yet you post on the soccer club's facebook page?

So what do I do now PPK? The school break starts Friday and Christmas is a week away.

I can't file for divorce until June and will likely ask for sole custody. That is not what I would like but it would be ridiculous to have joint custody with someone who is not interested in parenting. My lawyer and my former-family-lawyer friend say he still may get joint custody. Only son3 will be a minor then so this is mainly about him.

I am a little concerned that he may just show up on Christmas day with presents for the kids, possibly crying, but I am even more concerned that he will have no contact at all with them. After I calmed down from seeing him on Saturday I was hoping that maybe his sister would influence him to start seeing the kids, but maybe he is telling her I am not allowing him to see them? Who knows. There are just to many questions here and I do not know how to get answers, or if I do know how to get answers (lawyer letters, arranged mediation) I don't want to do it because I really need him to take charge of his relationship with his sons for the first time in his parenting life.

What I am thinking of doing is talk to my two boys (one is living away now) and ask them what they want as far as their dad is concerned. I will tell them that I can't make any promises, but I want them to know that I am working on a solution. Maybe "working on a solution" is not the right term. I want them to know I am concerned about the situation and not obstructing things but I don't have a lot of control over it.

Thank you if you have read this far. It is a big stinking mess. I don't think my youngest will ever get over being abandoned by his dad like this but I think the dad still has a chance to patch things up and create a relationship with him.


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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 6:28 pm 
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I'm so sorry, Arsaig. I was a child abandoned by a father who lived only a short distance away, too, and he NEVER saw me (okay, maybe once a year). As an adult, I actually look at him mostly sympathetically and wonder if it was too difficult for him to have a relationship with us if he couldn't see us every day? Was it just that he couldn't be bothered? I don't know. I try and give him the benefit of the doubt that for whatever reason, he saw continuing an ongoing relationship with the children of his first marriage as something he couldn't do. Whatever regrets I might have about that lost relationship, I can only imagine that in the final analysis his regrets were a thousand times greater than mine and imbued with a guilt I don't suffer. <3 <3 <3

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 1:36 pm 
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Bathes in Braggs
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So my ex is not going to be popping in unexpectedly during the break - he is gone to his sister's in Cape Breton. I spent most of yesterday driving the kids around to activities and then at 5 they were both home and I went out to Costco. While I was gone he came over and dropped off a present for each of the boys and then left. Of course he did not tell me he would be by, and apparently did not even talk to the older boy who was down in the rec room.

I am relieved that I don't have to worry about him showing up but I am super angry and sad that he would do this. At least now I can relax about it.

s.v., I know that in his case he is self-centred and lazy. He only wants to have a family when absolutely nothing is required of him but I really did hope that once faced with living without them he would become a slightly better person and put his kids first for once.

Family law lawyers are always busy in January, I've heard. I just can't get past my disbelief, you know? Intellectually I can understand it but emotionally I cannot. It makes my heart ache.


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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 1:54 pm 
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Arisaig wrote:
At least now I can relax about it.

small comfort, i'm sure.
hang in there.

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 Post subject: Re: Do we have a divorce support/single parent thread?
PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 9:13 pm 
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Bathes in Braggs
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You know, I said I could relax but I wasn't really sure if that was true, but when I was out running an errand this afternoon I realized that I really do feel like a weight has been lifted. Up until now I felt like the Christmas holidays would be the test, the last straw - if he didn't act by then, that would be the worst thing and I would know where we stand.

So now I know, after six months of wondering, and I can proceed with knowing rather than wondering/hoping.

Also I am watching The Sound of Music and it is making me teary, in a good way :-)


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