Post Punk Kitchen Forum

Having a really rough day inside my head. I know what I need to do to be happy as someone who's single (i.e.: work on loving myself), but it's really hard to do that when I feel just so forking crappy about life as a whole. And, I've struggled with depression forever, even when happily partnered... so I don't feel like I'm going to be able to happier as a person even if I become happy being single. It's just an easy excuse right now. It feels like the wind's been knocked out of me.

I feel really, really lonely. I literally never get phones calls, e-mails, nothing unless someone plans to see me. I maybe see a friend every two or three months. I'm tired of being so dependent and immature, and that I'm only able to do so much about it. It kills me, not having anyone to talk to, be it about something good or bad. And I'm starting to lose my appetite again, and it goes up and down. I was afraid I had relapsed a week ago, though the last few days its been better. But I'm not really sure what's going on.

That's where i'm stuck at, and it's the worst. Like I feel like I can't complain about how depressed I am living with my father-in-law because people just get all 'maybe you should stop being a mooch then', but to move out before we can buy a house (which is coming up in the next few months), i'd have to dump my animals in a shelter so I could a) find a place that would rent to us and b) be able to totally afford the rent. He's such a difficult person to live with, and he won't even accept our money even when we do have it. Rock, meet hard place.

I also have no friends now, and it's a circular thing. I get depressed because I feel (and sometimes am) excluded from things, then I can't deal with people because of my depression.

I'm basically just trying to keep things midline until we move. I don't want a lot of highs because that makes the lows worst. I just want to survive.

Ugh for all of us.

MBM... I'm in the same boat with the exclusion thing. I don't have anything to do with my parents so therefore have no immediate family. I'm going to be alone this Christmas because the person who I thought I was having dinner with has changed her mind and has decided to go away for the entire Christmas. Because I'm not close to the rest of my family I now have nowhere to go for Christmas and it is too late to make alternative arrangements.

Today it is hit me hard and I feel so damn alone. I'm so cross with that person for leaving me down. It just reinforces how alone I am in this world.

Daisychain, have you thought about volunteering at Christmas? I know our local Salvation Army does Christmas Dinner for elderly people on their own, as does the local homeless project, and they both use volunteers to cook/wash-up/chat to the clients*. I know it doesn't solve the long term issue, but it would mean you would be with other people at Christmas, and people who would be pleased to have you there.

*probably the wrong word, but I can't think of the right one

I had thought of it but there is only one homeless shelter near-by and it is already fully staffed for the day. Also would need to get cleared by the police first to do any volunteering with humans and that takes months here.

Ah, sorry, I forgot about the police check thing.

It's ok. I will probably go some where nice and go for a massive walk with the dog and take food with me so that I will be out most of the day.

I know my friend worked Christmas day last year at our local animal rescue place and they were really grateful to have her because other people weren't available, not sure if it's too late to organise that though. Enjoy your walk :) At least people are usually cheery and wish each other a happy day on Christmas, I quite like going out as long as the weather is good.

DaisyChain, it won't be just you!! I'll be alone on Christmas too, and I'm planning on enjoying it.

I just fought with my spouse over my holiday depression, which has been really, really oppressive this year. he's not been willing to give me any support or leeway with it.... bottom line, I asked him to leave for a few days. My daughter went too, so it's just me. But I've got my pup, my garden and would have spent the entire time working on the computer anyway, so it's really a large weight off my shoulders.

Even though I don't relish the thought of being alone, right now my mood is so low that I don't really want to be around people. I'm kind of excited that I will be able to eat all the food though. Going to make a big deal out of dinner and make a few different dishes.

I'm going to probably hang out on the internet for the day so if you fancy a chat at any time just let me know x

What are you going to make? I haven't even thought about it!

I will also be online talking to folks! PPK chat time!!!


ETA: i also have been thinking about CQ and others' experience with exercise. For me exercise was always a lifter but recently, maybe the last month or so, I noticed that I just wasn't getting the endorphin rush anymore. I always do the same workout (5k) and it always hit at about 20m in, and then a super happy glow afterwards. Now, it never comes. The gloom isn't quite so oppressive afterwards, but I ain't smiley. I don't know what's happening but I have been really carefully paying attention and wondering what's going on. [maybe this is the sign to start mixing up the workouts]

Shamefully, I can't remember. I marked a few things in AFR and done the shopping list and the shop. I remember there was a cranberry biriyani, broccoli potato hash, and chickpea gravy. There was a few other things but damned if I remember what! My memory is appalling when my mental health is out of whack.

I'm starting to think that it is a bit more than depression and anxiety that I have. Lately, I've been convincing myself that I had been having psychotic episodes and basically nothing that I "know" I experienced hasn't happened at all. Then I start arguing myself and applying evidence that these things did happen. If it all did happen and I am convincing myself that I am actually psychotic I probably need psychotherapy and possibly have PTSD.

Do you do strength training at all, Torque? I find heavy lifting lifts(heh) my mood more than cardio.

I'm pretty bummed. I don't feel like i have much going for me right now and my friends are all pissed at me because I keep canceling plans(i've told them that i'm depressed). What do i do?!

j-dub, i haven't done much, but i think i will when the gym opens again. i usually do just "runner arm" kind of lifting, not much. maybe time to branch out.

fupapack, i don't have any good suggestions but want to say, hang in there bud. sometimes i take one for the team and go and try to enjoy myself, sometimes i stay home and try to distract myself. I've spent the last three hours distracting myself and so far, so good.

I've started doing compound lifts--moves that work multiple muscles. You can do a lot fewer exercises and generally lift heavier. I'm happy to share my routine if you're not too familiar with weight lifting.

I just try and get out, especially with people. My social anxiety can go crazy and I almost always want to cancel so bad, but once I get out, it feels so much better than sitting at home.

if you don't mind, i'd love to hear it. i work out in a gym, there are so many machines but.... so many people watching. it will make me feel better to know a real live person does it, kwim?

My mood is improving the past few days again. I think it is because I've had a little extra time off because of Christmas so I made myself do very long walks. It is helping my anxiety levels too. I'm still anxious and checking things like crazy but I'm not in overdrive at least.

i've been super crazy depressed since the end of bike season. i know i talked about it in other threads where there was talk of me getting back with my ex? well i told him it wasn't going to happen. (it's a bit more complicated than that but for the sake of brevity...) his response was to block me from all social media which is his perogitive. but on Christmas day he sent me volumes of messages telling me how terrible i am, i know i don't have the best online persona but i'm generally pretty well liked and have few issues with most of my friends, the things he said really cut me and i feel like they are mostly not true. i've been up all night not being able to sleep and freaking out. i tried taking a hot shower and some nightquill in hopes i could get to sleep. i have plans to mountain bike first thing in the morning and i feel bad as i canceled on this lady last week partly due to my depression. anyways i just went for a drive and bought a pack of cigarettes (i hadn't smoked in maybe a week?) and of course i went by his house. all i can think is that he's with someone else and i'm not being rational. then i had terrible thoughts about why bothering with anything. i'm hoping i can get some sleep and wake up and bike and maybe seek out some professional help (this will be hard because i only have one job now and a good deal of bills but i have a friend who has a resource for sliding scale therapists - when i first moved back here i looked for free mental health for people in poverty but there isn't much here). it's just a boy! why am i verklempt! and not even a nice one - he used to live with me and i ended up kicking him out and in the process he punched a hole in my wall! i had a bad, violent childhood and have mostly avoided toxic relationships except for one i had in college which some of you may remember i posted about on the old boards. anyways no one is up right now that i know and i needed to vent! wish me luck. i'm finally starting to feel drowsy, little yay!

hope you got to sleep! sounds like he was a capital A crasshole and I hope you never see or hear from him again. Keep on breathing and have a great bike ride today!

Good luck! I hope you got some sleep.

Thoughts are with everyone doing it tough in this sometimes shitty time of year. *hugs*

Hope you got some sleep and a good bike ride fupapack xxxx

Thanks guys, i slept for a few hours. i did blow off my friend though, I was just way too conked and I tried to eat but literally couldn't swallow anything. I spent the day with another friend who was very kind to me and going through her own troubles so we were able to help each other out. I'm eating now and looking forward to a long and deep sleep later.