Post Punk Kitchen Forum

oh shitfuckballs I am in a really bad place right now.
I'm not doing well.
I am finally admitting after months of this that I am in a bad place, so there's that at least.
like, realizing crying every day is probably not normal or okay psychologically, haha.

but wow I have not felt this profoundly sad or consumed since I was maybe in my early teens?
and just in case, fyi: I won't be doing anything stupid, but I am realizing that I am pretty dramatically unwell right now.

it's so frustrating because for the past few years I've been coping SO WELL and I've had things so under control, I thought I was out of the woods. there was a stupid part of my conscious mind that thought I was fixed.

the past six months broke my heart and I am not doing well with bouncing back in the slightest.
damnit.

Boober, can you access mental health services through your school?

So sorry you're having such a hard time. I promise it will get easier.

I can during the semester, which I am not currently in (starts up again the 14th). I tried to make an appointment at the end of last semester and they set me up with the social work intern who was supposed to contact me to figure out a time, and she just never did and I sort of just brushed it off with "eh, it's not really that bad" and I was really busy at the time. I know I should have rescheduled or asked to meet with someone else but it's hard to reach out multiple times to the same person when you're just trying to get through the day, y'know?

I am going to try again after the 14th, while I still have a few months of free mental health services with the school, I really will. I am trying to find something to do for now though, I don't lean on my friends much for this kind of support, and it really isn't their job to deal with this with me, so I am trying to see if there are any local free or low cost or adjustable pricing therapists around here who I could see before I go back, it became abundantly clear this evening that I should be talking to someone about this pretty soon.

and thank you for your kind words. I know logically that it is going to get easier and I am holding on to that. thank you.

I know most of ya'll don't like this shiitake, but dudes, it's been a cancer-y moon time recently so, fork. Cancer is also what I was born under and dudes it's an emotional freakin sign.

(Okay, part of me just tells me these things because it makes me feel better about myself, more justification, etc... I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings)

BUT DUDES. MOOD SWING CENTRAL TONIGHT FOR ME.

Boober is there a crisis line you can call? Local is better, but national works too. A local crisis line is going to know low/no-cost mental health resources. A national might be able to connect you with local resources and if not can at least be a caring person you can talk to.

...I answered my own question: 1-888-568-1112 (suicide/crisis) and the Warm Line: 207-772-9276 (peer support).

I know calling a crisis line might seem "too extreme" or that you "aren't there yet" but I promise, promise, promise there is no threshold you need to meet. And every single crisis call I have ever taken has resulted in the caller feeling better and feeling heard and being connected with local resources.

j-dub thank you so much, I've added those numbers to my phone. I'm on the other side of a bad wave right now so I'm going to go lie down and listen to some lectures, but I promise I will call next time it happens, which I am sure will be sometime tomorrow.

I cannot thank you enough, seriously. just knowing I have those numbers makes me feel more in control.

hang in there boober.

Hugs, boober. I have a hard time askiing for support from friends too, but it doesn't always mean opening up to someone, it could be "come over and let's make cupcakes and watch movies" or whatever, you know?

I'm so annoyed about the impact depression has on my house. This place is so disorganised and untidy because I usually have zero motivation and I can't keep on top of things at all. I spent ages cleaning my living room today and the place is still not fantastic. There are layers of dust everywhere.

broober, you're in my thoughts. I'm having a rough time even motivating myself to get off the couch right now, the thoughts in my head about being worthless and destined to fail are a lot right now.

You are not worthless my dear. You are wonderful xxxx

Guess which dork forgot to take her antidepressant at dinner time? Yep, I just had to have a banana and take it there now. My other tablet needs to be taken in an hour. I'm so going to be zombified tomorrow. Doesn't help that all I want to do is hibernate in bed.

i don't feel depressed at all, i woke up at a normal time today. lets hope the past week and half or so is done!

I've had a rough few weeks. School stress isn't helping. I just kind of gave up on everything.

Hugs to everyone posting. I have no idea why our arses are being kicked so much a the moment, I wish I did.

I feel heartbroken and super anxious. I'm trying to stave it off by keeping busy but it returns whenever I try to relax instead of scrabbling for things to do.

Urgh. My low mood is noticeable. They noticed at work. I got called to the office today. Nearly vomited because in my head I was convinced that I had done something wrong and was getting in trouble. He just wanted to make sure I was alright. Such a change from the other place where they ignored me when I was so depressed that I was almost mute.

How you feeling, boober, daisychain, 8ball, finn, PP? Thinking of you all.

I'm ok. Frustrated that all I get is a few normal days at the most. This spell is lasting a hell of a lot longer than any other spell I've had. Been battling since July this time. It's a relief to know that my colleagues actually care enough to ask me what is wrong when they noticed how quiet I've been instead of how I was ignored and made fun of in the last place. It means I'm able to be strong enough to keep working. Thanks xx

so glad your environment is more supportive. not sure how you lasted in the last one!!! hang in there.

I know. It does make dealing with my illness so much easier. The best part is I have zero problems getting time for doctors appointments. In the last place the manager used to make me take a full day off for an appointment (even if I only needed an hour and half) and then actually specify which week I could go to the appointment. Thanks to her being difficult I was a month late getting to one appointment.

How do I actually get the will to see a professional? There's a conundrum.

It's not easy Mars but once you do it is like a weight lifted off your shoulders x

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my medical issues. The doctors are still trying to figure out why the muscles in my esophagus are no longer working. I miss eating real food. I hate cooking for my family now. It used to bring me such joy. It's hard making something delicious for them and then grabbing whatever mush I can manage to swallow. I'm scared about what's causing this and I hate how long it's taking to figure it out. Of course I googled everything they are testing for and it's all really scary shiitake. Also hearing talks of feeding tubes and what not just is NOT okay with me. On one hand after feeling so bad for so long and blaming anxiety and such it's nice to know it wasn't in my head. I have two little girls I need to take care of. I can't have some horrible fatal disease. I just cant. I should probably seek out a therapist to talk with this because I know dumping it all on my husband isn't going to be good long term no matter how supportive he is.

I was doing so well, I spent a week feeling better every single day. Then my best friend called with news that changed everything. I feel like I lost all my friends recently and it sucks.

I am deeply annoyed at how difficult my school counseling center is making it for me to make an appointment. Last semester they essentially blew me off when I asked to reschedule and I didn't have the energy then to contact them again.
This semester I am trying again and so far I have had an appointment for this coming wednesday given to another student, and mine rescheduled for next week, which like, okay it's fine but how do you just forget about an appointment and schedule someone else in there? maybe my e-mails are worded too politely, or I should be leading with something more dramatic than "I would like to schedule an appointment with one of the licensed counselors on staff, here is my availability, does any of that work for you? thanks"

I haven't successfully been able to get in there and talk to anyone yet (after 2 tries), so I'm not even sure if this is worth my time. it's really annoying to me because I have a huge amount of trouble asking for help and these people are making me have to do it over and over and insist on it and I just feel like giving up, I don't have time to keep shuffling things around for this.