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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 10:02 am 
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Thank you all for the emotional support, for "getting" just how insane all this is making me.

Just to clarify, yes, I live in the US, in the state of Oklahoma, which recently enacted an "open" carry law, and has long had "concealed" carry laws.

One of the constant offenders is my own son, who is armed 24/7/365, even in his sleep. He and I had a fallout a while back about no guns in the house. So he stood on the lawn and visited with us if we walked outside. But refused to disarm and come inside. So he's making it very clear that I would never, ever, ever see him again if I didn't "allow" him inside with his gun. It's a "love me, love my gun" mentality that he refuses to change. He says I need to respect his view that he doesn't feel safe without it, even though I sure don't feel safe with it.

And the gift-exchangers were the in-laws - my newly remarried daughter's. The Mr gave the Mrs a pink glock for Christmas. He printed a picture of it for her to open rather than bring the gun into the house - which I should have been clearer about in my first post. And which was only partly helpful. I still had to "see" a gun in my home, even if it was only a picture of a gun. Still, not getting the fact that guns are not "peace on earth, goodwill towards all" - right?!!

It's just the totally clueless mentality that they all have I can't get over. The reason we got this way is because my husband is always saying he would have a gun if not for me, so the kids all have the idea that guns are okay, it's their mother who is not. Which leads to the disrespect of which we speak. Of course.

I do need a better family! Seriously. These are the same people that cook bacon/meat/dairy/eggs in my home, because I'm wrong about that, too.

Help :(

Anybody want a 52 year old vegan pacifist grandmother?

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 11:40 am 
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ouch!
Yes, I confirm I still don't get the "guns as xmas gift" stuff. And it s so sad (and paradoxal) that people need guns to feel safe :(
You sound very tired of having to live with such anti-supportive people all the time, so understandable! Could you offer yourself a few days off? like, some peaceful holidays on your own or something?

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 5:09 pm 
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Fee wrote:
No one in my family really cares about guns (if they own them I don't know about it) so feel free to disregard what I would do because I'm not speaking from a place of experience, but I think if my christmas had gone that way I'd just send out a big message with the invite next year that hey, guns aren't allowed in my house, so please leave them at home! If they insisted, I would just be like, fine - party at your house, merry christmas, I won't be there! But I'm fine with sitting out family events where I might accidentally be killed, so your mileage may vary.

I'd take it a step beyond that . . . don't invite them next year. Period. They knew your rules, and blatantly disregarded them anyway, showing you some major disrespect.


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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 5:37 pm 
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Someone I know (relative by marriage type) seems to have been posting articles on FB that are pro-gun, specifically news articles where guns did 'good' (killing potential shooter and such) and also posting that the media suppresses articles that are pro-gun. Really?

According to this:
http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter ... post-says/

Around 100,000 people get shot every year, 30,000 die. That is based on US facts/figures from 2009. I'm sure 2012 isn't much different, nor will 2013.

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 5:38 pm 
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It sounds like your kids are getting mixed messages! Maybe if both you and your husband presented a united front about your position on guns in the house it would be met with more respect!

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 6:09 pm 
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linanil wrote:
Someone I know (relative by marriage type) seems to have been posting articles on FB that are pro-gun, specifically news articles where guns did 'good' (killing potential shooter and such) and also posting that the media suppresses articles that are pro-gun. Really?

According to this:
http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter ... post-says/

Around 100,000 people get shot every year, 30,000 die. That is based on US facts/figures from 2009. I'm sure 2012 isn't much different, nor will 2013.


I've been seeing those too and have started purging my friends list because sometimes the stupid is just too much. I am not so dumb as to think that guns have never been used to successfully end a violent situation but more often than not, the "hero citizen" is actually an off duty cop or former military member. Not jimbob jones and his merry band of self certified "gun experts" who strap themselves for the sake of humanity.

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/12/armed-civilians-do-not-stop-mass-shootings

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 10:09 am 
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It sounds like your family are being jerks, but they're not likely to change. What about having the family Christmas celebration somewhere else next year. A hotel or something. You'll still have to be around the guns, but at least they won't be in your home.


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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 8:23 pm 
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You can be my mommy anytime. I promise never to bring guns to your house or anywhere at all ever.

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:10 am 
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thank you all for the emotional support! it's nice to have found some. Thank you for understanding how much this tension is wearing on me. It can be really exasperating at times.

And, yes, of course it would be nice if my husband and I could present a united front. But even yesterday he was saying something about cows being so dumb that they weren't worth anything but eating....

REALLY?!

well, we had a few words about that, but I digress...

In all fairness, the person who changed was me! When we started out, I was just as programmed by society as he is. He just never evolved from where he started. I'm 33 years into a marriage, one in which I downplayed my own nature and personality so there would be room for another person. Marriage is like that. You are constantly reining yourself back, so that someone else can have room. So, even if I could magically grow the education & experience required to get a job that would allow me to support myself independently -where's the magic pill for that?! - I would still have to sacrifice 4 adult children, 7 grandchildren, and a life partner to do it. Would it be worth it? I don't know. Even if I did, I couldn't start over again with someone new. No 50-something year old man is looking for an old hag. they are looking for 18 year old girls! (I guess that's the level of stimulation required to bypass erectile dysfunction). I'm either going to wind up living my life alone, or remain in the current level of compromise. Compromise is massively uncomfortable, but it beats dying alone.

Besides, for all my preaching about acceptance, inclusion, tolerance, compassion, etc. I'm going to have to prove it! They'll call me on my shiitake if I am not patient, tolerant, and inclusive of them and their beliefs - they do that all the time! They're all going to have to see me practicing my values, or they will never change, right? I may as well learn and practice on them. At least I'll die with some integrity and character.

What I truly need to do is grow a much, much better attitude toward the situation. Be truly grateful that it's in my life to make me more compassionate. And love them. Silently.

Send me good energy toward this end. Thank you.

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:29 am 
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I could never imagine encountering guns on a regular basis, let alone in my home at a family gathering, so I have no advice, but I send you lots of hugs and good vibes!

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 1:43 pm 
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I'll be a 50-something-year-old man in just a few years. Let's not dump all of them into some nasty stereotype.

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 6:38 pm 
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thank you footface, for reaffirming my faith in humanity. I'll gladly keep an open mind on the issue.
thank you joyful girl as well.

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 8:12 pm 
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My mom is a 51 year old divorcee who has a lot of fun without compromising herself! We disagree on a lot, I'm a vegan Buddhist and she's a meat eating Catholic who doesn't really get it, the difference is is that while we might bicker about it we never do enough damage that makes us think we've had it with each other. Its okay to disagree on a lot of things but that doesn't mean they have to wave it in your face, you know?

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 10:16 pm 
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Hey! Weirder things have happened (re: relationships). My mom, who is in her 50s, found a man in his 40s! I agree that there does have to be some level of compromise though. There are some conversations that my husband and I just don't have anymore. I hate to think of you not being able to be yourself though!

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 10:52 pm 
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Funnily enough, I'm hoping to spend my old age living with my aunt. I think it'd be fun to be a pair of old ladies living together. I haven't told my aunt or my husband this. Not that I wouldn't mind living with my husband (we are pretty solid). Anyway, I'd say don't let fear of being alone keep you back. You can have great fun by yourself, with friends or with a different partner.

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 2:09 pm 
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Oh Monidew, I'm sorry. And you're right, we all make compromises, but like ndpittman said, I hate to think of you not being able to be yourself. Lots of hugs from Idaho.

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 3:05 pm 
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My mom is a single fifty something and she dates a lot. Only ever men in her age bracket, too, just out of preference. Its almost funny to me that someone might think a guy would want to be with me more than her because I'm younger. And she's in her second semester at college too! Better late than never.

It's all your life and you can do what you want with it, but it doesn't come magically or easily for anyone.

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 3:55 pm 
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Fee wrote:
No one in my family really cares about guns (if they own them I don't know about it) so feel free to disregard what I would do because I'm not speaking from a place of experience, but I think if my christmas had gone that way I'd just send out a big message with the invite next year that hey, guns aren't allowed in my house, so please leave them at home! If they insisted, I would just be like, fine - party at your house, merry christmas, I won't be there! But I'm fine with sitting out family events where I might accidentally be killed, so your mileage may vary.

yup ^

ETA: MoniDew, if that is you in your avatar I never would have guessed you were in your 40s or 50s you are really pretty. But that's neither here nor there. The key is to be with a partner who cares for you as a person (not your husk). I understand your life is complex, but honestly I think you'd be better off alone than in this company. When people don't fundamentally understand you and they don't share your values they are not really "with" you anyway. We really don't need too much to survive, I think you can do it on your own. I think your "tribe" is elsewhere. But I also respect you for staying if you feel it is what you have to do.

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:28 am 
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Quote:
yup ^

ETA: MoniDew, if that is you in your avatar I never would have guessed you were in your 40s or 50s you are really pretty. But that's neither here nor there. The key is to be with a partner who cares for you as a person (not your husk). I understand your life is complex, but honestly I think you'd be better off alone than in this company. When people don't fundamentally understand you and they don't share your values they are not really "with" you anyway. We really don't need too much to survive, I think you can do it on your own. I think your "tribe" is elsewhere. But I also respect you for staying if you feel it is what you have to do.


thank you so much, Ginger. I truly appreciate your advice and encouragement. And, I've often thought the same (my tribe is elsewhere!!)
That is indeed me in the picture. And I am currently 52 years old.
Image
This picture was taken last May, at my daughter's wedding. It's the most recent pic I have. I've never thought of myself as pretty, because I have multiple birth defects, one of which is scoliosis. Before I was ever dating, I was scarred from surgical attempts to correct it. (I say attempt, because, well, there really is no fix.) So being scared before a man ever saw me naked never allowed me to truly feel pretty. And, of course, being over 50 and having given birth 4 times hasn't improved the husk. so, I guess I never thought someone would be attracted to me for being "pretty." I always hoped it would be for my inner qualities. I'll have to think about this a little more. And, yes, one of my inner qualities is that I am very unconditionally loving, even when it may not be returned. Not because I am a martyr, but because I have an inner value system. Does that make sense?

I am really debating and rethinking the entire issue. Somewhere I saw this: Don't go where you are tolerated. Go where you are celebrated." I'm looking for that place. I need that place.

Send me good energy toward that end. I really need it. Thank you all.

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 2:15 pm 
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You, lady, are bloody stunning.

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 2:48 pm 
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yes, I also think you are prettier on larger pics

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 6:18 pm 
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Ruby Rose wrote:
You, lady, are really very bloody stunning.

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 9:40 pm 
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you are absolutely glowing!

i would not be able to stay in the family you described. :-( i would not be able to stay married to a man that doesn't respect my views, and ridicules them. i would find it incredibly difficult to associate with children that care more about their guns than me. respect should go both ways. being a carpet only says that you're fine being walked all over. (also doesn't teach them anything about compromise)

who knows, you might be awarded some living money in a divorce. even if you don't, you might be able to sell some stuff to keep your head above water until you find a job. find another biddy who needs to split the bills and move in with her.

as for finding someone more your speed when the time comes, try veggiedate.com (it took me a while, but i found the perfect guy for me back in 2003. just keep in mind, don't spend too long with only e-mails and phonecalls. it's very easy to project more chemistry on to a person you haven't met than you really would have in-person.) good luck. <3

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2013 10:36 am 
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Ruby Rose wrote:
You, lady, are bloody stunning.

thank you so much! must be vegan diet! LOL!

I guess I really needed to see my situation through other people's eyes. I have no objectivity when it comes to my own life. if I were anyone else, it would be clear to me that I am not being respected. But when you are in it, you just feel the duty to love, not the obligation to be treated as an equal partner.

For all of us veg*ns, we get that the point is to not be an exploitative, opportunistic vulture who benefits from the suffering of another. But we also live in a world where 99% of the people do not get it. It's like we live in a world filled with psychopaths, who were just born without a conscience, and only do what immediately benefits themselves, without giving one thought to the consequences of their actions.
How is my situation any different? Am I just stuck in a house full of people who cannot or will not wake up? Or am I truly in a situation where I need to leave? they are not "hurting" me in any way (other than emotionally). Do I just suck it up when it comes to my feelings and respect their views? The majority view?

I don't know. I am thoroughly confused. Do I stay or do I go? I've been asking myself this for 33 years.... I'm a mess. A frakin' bloody stunning mess.

<3 you all!

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 Post subject: Re: Ranting about non-violence, again!
PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2013 10:52 am 
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It sounds like, above all, you have a communication problem. Your partner needs to know that you feel disrespected and it hurts. You might not share all the same views, but maybe you can set up some boundaries that work for everyone. Perhaps you guys could do a couple sessions with a councilor for some communication tips?


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