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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 1:14 am 
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buh, I just turned down the opportunity for a potentially rad (second date with verbally stated interest in a longer-term) relationship with a dude I am actually interested in today and I am just mad at myself.

not necessarily about this particular decision, which was well thought out. but in the past year I've gone through two larger breakups that I did not initiate, I was broken up with because of my life, schedule, and inability to "open up" (the most recent of which I felt like I had actually made myself quite vulnerable in, and was quite hurt at the way it ended) and it's frustrating because I want so badly to give the people I'm dating what they want but up until this point I just haven't been able to trust anyone to the degree that they find equal to theirs.
over the summer (a lot of months ago, wow) an ex of mine from over 5 years ago sent me an e-mail detailing every way in which I had hurt him in our break up and it shook me up a lot, and I still can't shake some of the forked up behaviors that caused me to hurt him and everyone else.

it's made me so gun shy, even when I have been completely honest and open about my shiitake, relationships with me are apparently just too hard to deal with and I am worrying that I am incapable of successfully doing this. I know I am young and that the people I've dated (recently) do not encompass all the kinds of people I will ever meet, but god it just sucks to know I'm the problem in every single one and I don't know if I can change enough that I won't be the problem, y'know?

just, man, I just want to love and be loved and gross emotionally vulnerable trust-based movie shiitake like that, but I am this horrible calloused-over shell of a person who apparently only cares about animals and whoever is making her coffee in the morning.

AM I EVEN IN THE RIGHT THREAD. SORRY IF NOT, EMOTIONAL VOMIT RELATING TANGENTIALLY TO THE SUBJECT.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 9:48 am 
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Boober, I'm sort of in a similar situation as far as feeling gun-shy, conflict between letting my guard down or shutting people out completely. For me it's like I want to be a person who is capable of opening up but actually doing it is much harder. And in my current relationship I think I might be interpreting any little thing as "Error! Red Flag!" even when I know it's more a reflection of my own baggage rather than a problem with him personally.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 12:39 pm 
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1) Boober, you're absolutely in the right thread.

2) Bryophyte, thank you so so so much for starting this thread, which was obviously timely for many here. The article you posted, along with learning about attachment styles, clicked a lot into place for me.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 5:16 pm 
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I feel lost. I am the kind of person that starts crying to beautiful music and like to keep a bottle of essential lavender oil in my bag just because it smells so good. Simply, I am a very sensitive person that really feels all the feelings. Almost too much sometimes, I can develop such deep feelings that when He's in the same room everything just feels like poetry.

...and when I'm with Him - who really doesn't work the same way - I sometimes feel so forgotten.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 5:56 pm 
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My friend laughed at me when I told him I don't know how to flirt and don't understand when someone is flirting with me right in front of my face.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 9:54 pm 
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booberthefraggle wrote:
buh, I just turned down the opportunity for a potentially rad (second date with verbally stated interest in a longer-term) relationship with a dude I am actually interested in today and I am just mad at myself.

not necessarily about this particular decision, which was well thought out. but in the past year I've gone through two larger breakups that I did not initiate, I was broken up with because of my life, schedule, and inability to "open up" (the most recent of which I felt like I had actually made myself quite vulnerable in, and was quite hurt at the way it ended) and it's frustrating because I want so badly to give the people I'm dating what they want but up until this point I just haven't been able to trust anyone to the degree that they find equal to theirs.
over the summer (a lot of months ago, wow) an ex of mine from over 5 years ago sent me an e-mail detailing every way in which I had hurt him in our break up and it shook me up a lot, and I still can't shake some of the forked up behaviors that caused me to hurt him and everyone else.

it's made me so gun shy, even when I have been completely honest and open about my shiitake, relationships with me are apparently just too hard to deal with and I am worrying that I am incapable of successfully doing this. I know I am young and that the people I've dated (recently) do not encompass all the kinds of people I will ever meet, but god it just sucks to know I'm the problem in every single one and I don't know if I can change enough that I won't be the problem, y'know?

just, man, I just want to love and be loved and gross emotionally vulnerable trust-based movie shiitake like that, but I am this horrible calloused-over shell of a person who apparently only cares about animals and whoever is making her coffee in the morning.

AM I EVEN IN THE RIGHT THREAD. SORRY IF NOT, EMOTIONAL VOMIT RELATING TANGENTIALLY TO THE SUBJECT.

Boober. First, I think it's excellent that you are listening to your boundaries and needs and not going for a date with a cool person because it seems like the more loving thing to take time to get your stuff together.

Second, you are not the problem in every single relationship. Relationships are a two way street and each person brings their own loveliness and their own shiitake and its up to the two of you to figure out how to negotiate that tangle. And each person is responsible for getting their own needs met.

And, frankly, I get it was probably cathartic for him, but sending a five-years old ex a list of every way they ever did you wrong is a total dick move.

And again, I really want to celebrate that you are taking the time to be good with yourself rather than rushing headlong into something. That is incredibly mature and loving for both you and the people you turn down and the people you eventually say yes to.

Be kind to yourself!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:51 pm 
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fork that boober. Some asshat sending you a list 5 years after the fact is an asshat. Good riddance. You put too much pressure on yourself to be everything for everyone. No one can do that. You are a good person and no one is perfect.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 12:17 am 
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How do you know when someone is flirting with you? And how do you determine whether they're either flirting with you, have a flirty personality or are just really nice? You'd think the answer would be to see how they interact with other people but no.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 6:33 am 
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Mr. Shankly wrote:
How do you know when someone is flirting with you? And how do you determine whether they're either flirting with you, have a flirty personality or are just really nice? You'd think the answer would be to see how they interact with other people but no.


I am also interested in the answer to this question.
But really, I have more or less given up on romantic relationships outside of my partner for now... I'm just too much of an introvert to really have the energy for more than a handful of close relationships in my life. And I live with four other people, so... I think that I'm just an intense loner, and I'm trying to stop feeling ashamed of that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 7:47 am 
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Mr. Shankly wrote:
How do you know when someone is flirting with you? And how do you determine whether they're either flirting with you, have a flirty personality or are just really nice? You'd think the answer would be to see how they interact with other people but no.



Prior to dating, my husband started calling me out of the blue, I told my friend that he was nice to call. He sent me a fairly expensive birthday gift and a beautiful note for my 30th Birthday. I was really confused, my friend told me I was dumb (in a friend like way). Then he flat out told me he wanted to date me. I was surprised somehow. I'm really bad about knowing people are flirting with me.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 8:05 am 
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Simply_Love wrote:
When when we were talking he was like well I talked to my friends and they said if I was having doubts, that I should just end it. ... I just wish he had been willing to try to work through his doubts, instead of just instantly jumping to "oh, I must not care about her anymore and we should break up." I tried for him, but it doesn't feel like he tried for me.


I am so sorry. I think its so hard when someone says that because its so frustrating and unclear.

I was dating someone (2 years) and we'd talked about moving in together and getting married and then out of the blue he broke up with me because he was about to propose (we were looking at rings) and he went to his Dad and in his conversation said that he had some doubts and his Dad said "If you have any doubts now, break it off. Its kinder to her and to yourself." And then he went to his friends who gave him the same advice, and he broke up with me. And because it was his "friends and his Dad" and not him, I argued with it for a really long time. First, everyone has doubts and second even the people giving you advice have had doubts about their partners - his best friend had started secretly dating another girl right before he got married to his wife, because he had epic cold feet, and they ended up having a great marriage and kids. It was probably my hardest break-up because I kept thinking that he'd realize how much he loved me and come back. And that it wasn't him, it was other people. And he didn't even have good reasons for it, just "I love you but this isn't perfect and I don't want to get married until its perfect." and "you hate sports and I love snuggling on the couch watching sports so clearly we want different things."

He and I are both happily married to other people and each have a baby, so obviously, I don't think breaking up was a bad thing in the long run, but it was so hard while I was in it.

In retrospect, I think that he wanted to break-up but not be the bad guy. He didn't want to have a conversation in our relationship, like adults, to figure out what wasn't working and how to fix it. Maybe it was because he just didn't want to be with me and any conversations would have been pointles or maybe he really did think that relationships should magically be perfect. And at the end of the day, I don't think I could have been happy with someone who wouldn't have conversations and communicate before just ending things with me, for "not being perfect." My husband and I have doubts all the time, but still have a really happy marriage.

Just to commiserate and say that it is so hard to have someone break-up with you and give you no real explanation and a little reminder that things do get better <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 9:44 am 
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Mr. Shankly wrote:
How do you know when someone is flirting with you? And how do you determine whether they're either flirting with you, have a flirty personality or are just really nice? You'd think the answer would be to see how they interact with other people but no.

Listen, the whole "flirting" thing is unclear to everyone. Your friend is silly if they think that deciphering someone's intentions should be simple. Generally, guys tend to overestimate the interest of a potential mate and gals tend to underestimate which in my psychology textbook was related back to biology: lads don't want to miss a chance to spread their seed; ladies are more choosy since they have less opportunity to procreate in a lifetime (Trivers, 1972). The difference between extroverts and introverts is similar and serves to complicate the matter further. Hooray! There are clues as to someone's romantic interest (like physical contact, acting especially engaged in the conversation, or a huge boner) but they aren't set in stone.

I used to be very anxious about knowing if someone was interested in me or not, but now my philosophy is as follows:
1) Of course they are interested, I rock!
2) It only really matters if I like them too.
3) Don't muddle things more by keeping my feelings a secret. Being straightforward is scary but will get the ball rolling faster or end things quickly, and that way no one's time is wasted.

Hope that wasn't too wordy; obviously I enjoy this topic and it's something I've struggled with personally. And yes I cited my research (I'm bored on a break from university). :P

Trivers, R.L. (1972). Parental investment and sexual selection. In B. Campbell (Ed.), Sexual selection and the descent of man, 1871-1971 (pp. 136–179). Chicago, IL: Aldine


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 10:04 am 
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Abelskiver wrote:
Mr. Shankly wrote:
How do you know when someone is flirting with you? And how do you determine whether they're either flirting with you, have a flirty personality or are just really nice? You'd think the answer would be to see how they interact with other people but no.

Listen, the whole "flirting" thing is unclear to everyone. Your friend is silly if they think that deciphering someone's intentions should be simple. Generally, guys tend to overestimate the interest of a potential mate and gals tend to underestimate which in my psychology textbook was related back to biology: lads don't want to miss a chance to spread their seed; ladies are more choosy since they have less opportunity to procreate in a lifetime (Trivers, 1972). The difference between extroverts and introverts is similar and serves to complicate the matter further. Hooray! There are clues as to someone's romantic interest (like physical contact, acting especially engaged in the conversation, or a huge boner) but they aren't set in stone.

I used to be very anxious about knowing if someone was interested in me or not, but now my philosophy is as follows:
1) Of course they are interested, I rock!
2) It only really matters if I like them too.
3) Don't muddle things more by keeping my feelings a secret. Being straightforward is scary but will get the ball rolling faster or end things quickly, and that way no one's time is wasted.

Hope that wasn't too wordy; obviously I enjoy this topic and it's something I've struggled with personally. And yes I cited my research (I'm bored on a break from university). :P

Trivers, R.L. (1972). Parental investment and sexual selection. In B. Campbell (Ed.), Sexual selection and the descent of man, 1871-1971 (pp. 136–179). Chicago, IL: Aldine


Special love for including a citation.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 11:07 am 
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linanil wrote:
Prior to dating, my husband started calling me out of the blue, I told my friend that he was nice to call. He sent me a fairly expensive birthday gift and a beautiful note for my 30th Birthday. I was really confused, my friend told me I was dumb (in a friend like way). Then he flat out told me he wanted to date me. I was surprised somehow. I'm really bad about knowing people are flirting with me.

This is so cute.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 11:18 am 
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pandacookie wrote:
fork that boober. Some asshat sending you a list 5 years after the fact is an asshat. Good riddance. You put too much pressure on yourself to be everything for everyone. No one can do that. You are a good person and no one is perfect.

Listen to the Panda and J-Dub, Boober. No one has the right to come back at you after 5 years and provide you with a list of how you may have wronged them. Who does that? When he's 40 is he going to call his high school prom date and dissect that shiitake? What a crasshole.

Relationships are a result of both people in that relationship and with precious few exceptions, no relationship fails because of one person. Taking time out for you seems to me to be a mature and loving thing to do.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 2:05 pm 
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Abelskiver wrote:
Listen, the whole "flirting" thing is unclear to everyone. Your friend is silly if they think that deciphering someone's intentions should be simple. Generally, guys tend to overestimate the interest of a potential mate and gals tend to underestimate which in my psychology textbook was related back to biology: lads don't want to miss a chance to spread their seed; ladies are more choosy since they have less opportunity to procreate in a lifetime (Trivers, 1972). The difference between extroverts and introverts is similar and serves to complicate the matter further. Hooray! There are clues as to someone's romantic interest (like physical contact, acting especially engaged in the conversation, or a huge boner) but they aren't set in stone.

I used to be very anxious about knowing if someone was interested in me or not, but now my philosophy is as follows:
1) Of course they are interested, I rock!
2) It only really matters if I like them too.
3) Don't muddle things more by keeping my feelings a secret. Being straightforward is scary but will get the ball rolling faster or end things quickly, and that way no one's time is wasted.

Hope that wasn't too wordy; obviously I enjoy this topic and it's something I've struggled with personally. And yes I cited my research (I'm bored on a break from university). :P

Trivers, R.L. (1972). Parental investment and sexual selection. In B. Campbell (Ed.), Sexual selection and the descent of man, 1871-1971 (pp. 136–179). Chicago, IL: Aldine

Now I feel even more silly because I've studied attraction, evolutionary psychology, extraversion vs introversion, etc. I guess I can understand it when it's happening to someone else but when it happens on a personal level all knowledge of this subject escapes me (in relation to me). Further complicating everything is that I am very much an introvert and very much a private person. Some difficulties laid out in a point by point manner:

-because I keep mostly to myself, I feel that I don't really understand what is a social norm as opposed to a person doing something because they like me (as opposed to doing it because they feel socially pressured)
-I don't really understand the function of flirting or what it means. Are they doing it because they like me and want to date me? Are they doing it because they are confused about their feelings? Are they doing it on purpose or is it subconscious?
-Differentiating between flirting, flirty personalities, nice people.
-I don't really understand how to flirt back.

I usually don't even think about this stuff much on a personal level but I've been trying to determine if certain co-workers of mine are flirting with me or not. It doesn't help that they range in a number of various personalities so whatever I once thought was true get's muddled as I see the different ways they interact. For the longest time I thought they were sending me strange signals/doing strange things, then after a certain event I realized that maybe they're taking clues from me the same way I'm taking clues from them and that I might be sending them mixed signals. Then I end up thinking that it must just all be in my head because how could one person, let alone a number of people be interested in me. I don't like trying to figure this stuff out, I wish they would just come right out and tell me how they feel about me but I understand why they can't (work environment) and maybe they're also not telling me how they feel because they don't feel any certain way about me (and it really is all in my head). It's come to the point that this has been on my mind a lot lately and it's frustrating that I don't understand what's going on. Every time I've convinced myself rationally that someone does like me, I present a (probable) emotional argument to myself that they don't like me and then back it up rationally. I feel like I can easily convince myself either way. I feel so delusional.

eta: I enjoy wordy and liked your response so don't be wary of something like that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 2:42 pm 
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Thanks tofulish <3

I'm feeling sort of numb at the moment about everything. I'm sad how things ended (and that they did), but at the same time I know that if he isn't willing to talk about things (or try when things are hard), that it's probably better in the long run. I still want so bad to talk to him about this and try to see if we can work it out, but I know that will probably just make me feel worse because it most likely won't end well.

I'm so nervous to go back to my apartment tomorrow because I know I'm still in a place where seeing him is going to make me cry, but I feel like I'm wasting money staying at my parents so I kind of have to go back. And commuting to school everyday is a huge pain in the asparagus. I'm planning on trying to stay in the library after class everyday and not going back till I'm done with all my homework, because I think I'm going to have a really hard time being there for a while. Ugh, I just want to stop feeling like this.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 3:06 pm 
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I've been following this thread, wondering if I should give my view on things or not, but:

Tofulish wrote:
He didn't want to have a conversation in our relationship, like adults, to figure out what wasn't working and how to fix it. Maybe it was because he just didn't want to be with me and any conversations would have been pointles or maybe he really did think that relationships should magically be perfect. And at the end of the day, I don't think I could have been happy with someone who wouldn't have conversations and communicate


Talking / communication; most likely more important for a relationship than sex (or other things)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 5:49 pm 
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A) Tofulish continues to be ridiculously wise and put things so well. Tofulish, are you secretly a three thousand year old wise woman who has come to the internet to enlighten us? It's the only possible answer. Every time I see that you've posted in this thread, I just think "huzzah! Tofulish is healing us all once again!"

B) Boober! Listen to Panda and J-Dub for they are right! While you may have done things wrong in relationships, it is not JUST you. It's not ever just you. For what it's worth, I went through a long time where I was similar--I was wrapped in my life, whether it was school or building career or my passions, and I didn't and/or couldn't give dating the kind of time that many people want. Plus, I was very gun shy about being vulnerable, and although I WANTED that kind of beautiful warm fuzzy whatever relationship, I just wasn't ready to do it, and any time I tried, I ended up walling up and it didn't work. I am 27 now, and I was that way pretty much since I was about 19. I would seriously get into bad relationships on purpose because they were "safe" and destroy good relationships when they happened. I have continued to do this ever since. The relationship I'm in now is amazing and functional, and I think it only happened because it snuck up on me--I dated him because I thought he was "safe" and I wouldn't get attached, but then out of nowhere, I fell in love and it's now ridiculously amazing and I don't know how it happened. That said, I STILL sometimes push him away a little bit, but he's amazingly understanding and patient, and sometimes I can't sleep because I'm so full of irrational fears and concerns. So it's not perfect. But I have somehow gotten to a place in life where I can finally have a functional relationship, compared to many many years when I couldn't even think about emotional intimacy without feeling a sense of panic. I was pretty shitty to a lot of people I dated because of my inability to be vulnerable. I don't think you're shitty to anyone, based on the things that you've said here, so I think you're going to be fine. There's nothing wrong with you! You are an awesome artist who is driven to do your awesome art, and partners ought to appreciate that about you. You definitely care about more than just animals and coffee makers. You are rad, and the radness will meet with other radness!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 6:01 pm 
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Do people ever like ... Make the decision to flirt? Is that a thing? I feel like everytime I flirt or have been flirted with it was a totally in the moment thing that I looked back on later (or someone pointed out) and was like "oh yeah yup, that was flirting". And sometimes I liked the person and sometimes I was just amusing myself by having a playful conversation and sometimes I liked the person but had no intention of pursuing a relationship with them, just a fun conversation. It feels like the list of reasons a person might flirt are pretty endless, so trying to pinpoint one on someone else is next to impossible.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 9:55 pm 
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Abelskiver wrote:
Mr. Shankly wrote:
How do you know when someone is flirting with you? And how do you determine whether they're either flirting with you, have a flirty personality or are just really nice? You'd think the answer would be to see how they interact with other people but no.

Listen, the whole "flirting" thing is unclear to everyone. Your friend is silly if they think that deciphering someone's intentions should be simple. Generally, guys tend to overestimate the interest of a potential mate and gals tend to underestimate which in my psychology textbook was related back to biology: lads don't want to miss a chance to spread their seed; ladies are more choosy since they have less opportunity to procreate in a lifetime (Trivers, 1972). The difference between extroverts and introverts is similar and serves to complicate the matter further. Hooray! There are clues as to someone's romantic interest (like physical contact, acting especially engaged in the conversation, or a huge boner) but they aren't set in stone.

I used to be very anxious about knowing if someone was interested in me or not, but now my philosophy is as follows:
1) Of course they are interested, I rock!
2) It only really matters if I like them too.
3) Don't muddle things more by keeping my feelings a secret. Being straightforward is scary but will get the ball rolling faster or end things quickly, and that way no one's time is wasted.

Hope that wasn't too wordy; obviously I enjoy this topic and it's something I've struggled with personally. And yes I cited my research (I'm bored on a break from university). :P

Trivers, R.L. (1972). Parental investment and sexual selection. In B. Campbell (Ed.), Sexual selection and the descent of man, 1871-1971 (pp. 136–179). Chicago, IL: Aldine


Isn't that assuming everyone is heterosexual and cisgender and there are no cultural influences?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 2:36 pm 
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I tried to keep things fairly neutral in my post by using the term 'generally', but yes most of my flirting has been heterosexual and I was speaking soley from personal experience. Hope I didn't offend anyone and I should clarify that I am by no means an expert. (Although I do flirt a lot!)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 2:44 pm 
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the way I flirt is by being literally the same as I am with everyone else.
ENIGMA.

(I totally sympathize with you, mr. shankly)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2013 2:04 am 
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I don't really have any right to be complaining, but this is one of those things I can't vent much of anywhere else, so whatevs.

I am very much in love with my bf and I'm happier with him than I've ever been in a relationship before. However, I am getting really frustrated. His apartment is WAY nicer than mine, and in a significantly better location for his commute. Plus, his bed isn't a loft, so it makes a lot of things easier. So when we spend time together, it is basically always at his place. This means that I spend very little time at my apartment these days. Usually not at all during the weekend, and several weeknights a week are at his place. This is getting really frustrating and stressful. I'm frustrated with trying to live my life out of a bag (having to bring everything I need for several days at a time, or all my stuff for work, and so on; plus not having the option to decide what to wear in the morning because I've had to bring all my stuff with me), though he has let me leave a bunch of stuff at his place, it's still not the same. I miss my cat and I feel awful that I spend so little time with her. My place is a mess because when I AM home, I need to be doing work. I spend so little time here that it doesn't even feel entirely like my home anymore... it's just someplace I keep my stuff. But his place isn't my home either (I think he'd do more to make it feel like home for me if he didn't have two roommates who deserve to be respected and not given an extra de facto roommate; they're already super nice about how much time I spend there).

It's just frustrating and tiring. I love spending time with him and I miss him when we're not together (something which is not normally the case with me--I usually really like having a lot of alone time). But I hate feeling like I don't have a home anywhere and I hate the stress that this brings to my already stressful life. But I can't really do anything about it.

There is so much good about my relationship, but this one element of stress is really grating on me. This is like a relationship first world problem.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2013 4:59 am 
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DarthCupcake wrote:
I don't really have any right to be complaining, but this is one of those things I can't vent much of anywhere else, so whatevs.

I am very much in love with my bf and I'm happier with him than I've ever been in a relationship before. However, I am getting really frustrated. His apartment is WAY nicer than mine, and in a significantly better location for his commute. Plus, his bed isn't a loft, so it makes a lot of things easier. So when we spend time together, it is basically always at his place. This means that I spend very little time at my apartment these days. Usually not at all during the weekend, and several weeknights a week are at his place. This is getting really frustrating and stressful. I'm frustrated with trying to live my life out of a bag (having to bring everything I need for several days at a time, or all my stuff for work, and so on; plus not having the option to decide what to wear in the morning because I've had to bring all my stuff with me), though he has let me leave a bunch of stuff at his place, it's still not the same. I miss my cat and I feel awful that I spend so little time with her. My place is a mess because when I AM home, I need to be doing work. I spend so little time here that it doesn't even feel entirely like my home anymore... it's just someplace I keep my stuff. But his place isn't my home either (I think he'd do more to make it feel like home for me if he didn't have two roommates who deserve to be respected and not given an extra de facto roommate; they're already super nice about how much time I spend there).

It's just frustrating and tiring. I love spending time with him and I miss him when we're not together (something which is not normally the case with me--I usually really like having a lot of alone time). But I hate feeling like I don't have a home anywhere and I hate the stress that this brings to my already stressful life. But I can't really do anything about it.

There is so much good about my relationship, but this one element of stress is really grating on me. This is like a relationship first world problem.


Every problem is a problem! My first thought is about the cat. Does anyone take care of them when you're not there? My second thought is that you should talk to your bf about how stressed out you are by not feeling like you have any place to call your home. It's a big deal, stress can really take its toll on things! I hope you and your bf find a solution, hugs <3

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