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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2013 3:08 pm 
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Ah, I knew this thread and I would have a moment.

I broke up with my bf in September 2011. While together, we played with others, but only together (3 ways). I tried to set one up with a friend of mine, and they hooked up while I was at work. We tried to make it work, but after it happened, I was suddenly jealous in our 3 ways in a way I hadn't been before. We stayed friends, we text each other almost every day, he still spends the night sometimes, we still fork, I'm helping him get his boat & breakfast off the ground. I'm a very jealous person, so there's still be friction here and there, but it's been workable, even while it's made it hard to move on. I've been feeling guilty when I fork other people, and even with my close fuckbuds, I think about him. Realistically, I am kind of addicted to him. He didn't feel guilty when he cheated, so he certainly isn't going to think about me while forking other people now.

A comment he made in early 2012 led to the discovery that he was still sleeping with the former friend. This bugged me, and he agreed to stop. Driving home last night, I saw him sleeping in his car in front of the guy's place, and he got really defensive, really fast. He said he'd been stood up by a trick, so I can only imagine he'd gone there to fork the friend, but the friend had already gone to sleep. No, who he forks is none of my business, but I think who lies to me is. He's texting me today trying to make up. I don't have any real solutions, other than moving out of town and/or getting counseling, but thanks for letting me vent.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:48 pm 
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Helix wrote:

Every problem is a problem! My first thought is about the cat. Does anyone take care of them when you're not there? My second thought is that you should talk to your bf about how stressed out you are by not feeling like you have any place to call your home. It's a big deal, stress can really take its toll on things! I hope you and your bf find a solution, hugs <3


Thanks!

The cat seems to be okay. Since I'm a teacher who spends upward of 12 hours a day not home, she's used to me not being around a lot, and I swing through my apartment regularly. I make sure to spend time playing with her and her toys regularly, and then we cuddle when she's tuckered out. She sleeps with me in bed, and I make sure she always has plenty of food. She was depressed when we first moved out here, but she seems to be doing quite well right now as far as mood, I can tell she just misses me is all. I feel cat mother guilt because I don't spend as much time with her as I want to, but I do make sure she's well fed and her litter is clean and she's tended to. I do what I can to see her daily, if not every other day (which is part of the stress... I'll take a 45 minute each way public transit ride from the boy's place over to my place so that I can spend half an hour with the cat on a Saturday so she's not neglected when I'm gone from Friday night to Sunday afternoon).

I want to talk to him, but we've been getting questions from friends and family about "So, when are you moving in together?", but it's only been just shy of six months. I don't want the conversation to seem like I'm pushing something.

Squeak--your situation sounds rough! I think getting distance from him will be good for you, though. It sounds like you're not over him, and he's not worried enough about your feelings to care about whether or not you are. While it has been a while, that doesn't change the fact that you're obviously still tender. Getting some space is self care for you, which is important.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2013 11:04 pm 
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fezza wrote:
My boyfriend reckons that my vegan farts will smell of roses, he says they probably even come out heart shaped and flutter away. How can I help him with his crushing disappointment when we reach that stage in the relationship?


The sooner he gets used to it, the better, I say. Fart early, and often.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 11:40 am 
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DarthCupcake wrote:
I want to talk to him, but we've been getting questions from friends and family about "So, when are you moving in together?", but it's only been just shy of six months. I don't want the conversation to seem like I'm pushing something.


Wow, after not even 6 months, your friends and family are asking about move-in potential? I dated a guy for 4 years and never thought about moving in together (we lived an hour apart by subway, but he would often pick me up on his way home from work... it was a 20 min drive). My current guy, I've been with for 11 months and at 9 months we talked, hesitantly, talking about maybe moving in together at the end of summer... it hasn't come up again since.

My guy lives 45 minutes from me. His place is nicer and he lives alone, so we spend more time there. But he comes over to my place regularly too. I don't see why you can't ask your guy to spend a bit of time at your place, even if it's not as nice. When I had cats and a job (cats live with my parents now, I quit my job), I would usually come home from work and spend a couple of hours at my place then meet my guy around 9pm for dinner or post-dinner hangout and sleepover. Then I didn't feel so bad leaving my cats alone overnight. Weekends were sometimes hard, and I insisted that we stay at my place sometimes which he was fine with!

Good luck sorting it out, I know how hard it can be to live out of a bag and not ever feel home. I've had to have a talk about it with most guys I've dated since they all tend to live up the Red Line in Cambridge, and I'm in Boston!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 11:57 am 
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Pi. wrote:
DarthCupcake wrote:
I want to talk to him, but we've been getting questions from friends and family about "So, when are you moving in together?", but it's only been just shy of six months. I don't want the conversation to seem like I'm pushing something.


Wow, after not even 6 months, your friends and family are asking about move-in potential? I dated a guy for 4 years and never thought about moving in together (we lived an hour apart by subway, but he would often pick me up on his way home from work... it was a 20 min drive). My current guy, I've been with for 11 months and at 9 months we talked, hesitantly, talking about maybe moving in together at the end of summer... it hasn't come up again since.

My guy lives 45 minutes from me. His place is nicer and he lives alone, so we spend more time there. But he comes over to my place regularly too. I don't see why you can't ask your guy to spend a bit of time at your place, even if it's not as nice. When I had cats and a job (cats live with my parents now, I quit my job), I would usually come home from work and spend a couple of hours at my place then meet my guy around 9pm for dinner or post-dinner hangout and sleepover. Then I didn't feel so bad leaving my cats alone overnight. Weekends were sometimes hard, and I insisted that we stay at my place sometimes which he was fine with!

Good luck sorting it out, I know how hard it can be to live out of a bag and not ever feel home. I've had to have a talk about it with most guys I've dated since they all tend to live up the Red Line in Cambridge, and I'm in Boston!


Yeah, I think switching off would help. I moved in with my husband at about 5 months (planned around 3) but we were long distance. Guy I dated before that, we went out for a year and didn't make any move in plans. I think having your own place can be a good thing but seems like you need to make some trade offs.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 11:57 am 
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choirqueer wrote:
fezza wrote:
My boyfriend reckons that my vegan farts will smell of roses, he says they probably even come out heart shaped and flutter away. How can I help him with his crushing disappointment when we reach that stage in the relationship?


The sooner he gets used to it, the better, I say. Fart early, and often.


I think we've missed our window of opportunity, it's gone on too long now. He's pretty much threatening to stalk me until I let one rip, I've said I'm saving it all up until he has a personal crisis and needs cheering up.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:33 pm 
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fezza wrote:
choirqueer wrote:
fezza wrote:
My boyfriend reckons that my vegan farts will smell of roses, he says they probably even come out heart shaped and flutter away. How can I help him with his crushing disappointment when we reach that stage in the relationship?


The sooner he gets used to it, the better, I say. Fart early, and often.


I think we've missed our window of opportunity, it's gone on too long now. He's pretty much threatening to stalk me until I let one rip, I've said I'm saving it all up until he has a personal crisis and needs cheering up.


In that case, may I suggest the opposite approach. Let loose a couple pretend farts (like, make a fart sound with your mouth or something, when he's not looking), so he'll be lulled into a false sense of safety by your apparently odorless faults. Then when he's not expecting it, drop the real f-bomb.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:35 pm 
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choirqueer wrote:

In that case, may I suggest the opposite approach. Let loose a couple pretend farts (like, make a fart sound with your mouth or something, when he's not looking), so he'll be lulled into a false sense of safety by your apparently odorless faults. Then when he's not expecting it, drop the real f-bomb.


So, next time the dog lets rip I should claim it? Cool!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:36 pm 
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Maybe the next time the Mr lets rip I'll claim it, see how much I can confuse him by insisting it was mine!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:49 pm 
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i think the solution to your problem, fezza, is whoopie cushions EVERYWHERE. Under every cushion.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 1:16 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 2:10 pm 
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torque wrote:
i think the solution to your problem, fezza, is whoopie cushions EVERYWHERE. Under every cushion.


Is it wrong that I want to do this just for fun?



Partially, we stay at his place because it's nicer, but also for practical reasons... My bed is lofted and smaller, so being in bed together is less than ideal. On weekdays, leaving from my place tacks about 25 minutes onto his already one hour commute, whereas me leaving from his place doesn't change my commute time.

I need to figure out a good way to talk to him and try to figure out how to make him staying at my place a little easier, because it is frustrating. I try to think about continuing on like this, even just to the end of my school year, when I have so many other stresses, that this just feels bleak and terrible. I'm blowing it out of proportion, of course, but when I have so many stresses, this is just approaching straw-that-breaks-the-back territory, which bugs me, because it shouldn't be such a big deal.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 2:28 pm 
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So what do you do when you were seeing someone you really liked but you couldn't deal with the fact that she had been seeing someone else for longer than you and that situation could never be a relationship but she also said that she was in love with that person and you didn't want to see anyone who was in love with someone else except this person would totally stop seeing her for you if you didn't want to see anyone else either except you just started seeing someone new and really like her and can't make that commitment?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 4:39 pm 
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Hmmm, I might be missing something but I would probably leave it alone for now, it sounds like a recipe for hurty-disaster down the line. If they're willing to leave someone they're in love with then I wouldn't trust that they wouldn't do the same to me further down the line.

If she stops seeing the other person & then stops being in love with them and then wants a relationship with you then maybe give it a go.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 5:18 pm 
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It sounds pretty simple - you started seeing someone you like and you're not ready to be in a committed monogamous relationship with the person you were seeing. Does the person who is "dating" the person you are seeing (in quotations bc you say that the person you are seeing has said that it could never be a relationship) know where they stand?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 6:45 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
It sounds pretty simple - you started seeing someone you like and you're not ready to be in a committed monogamous relationship with the person you were seeing. Does the person who is "dating" the person you are seeing (in quotations bc you say that the person you are seeing has said that it could never be a relationship) know where they stand?


Oh yeah, they are both completely on the same page there. The other person isn't ready to commit to anyone because she recently got out of a 12 year marriage and is moving away in a year.

I think mostly I just have to be done with the situation, and I have been, it just sucks.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 6:52 pm 
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But huzzah for seeing someone new!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 8:21 pm 
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DarthCupcake wrote:
torque wrote:
i think the solution to your problem, fezza, is whoopie cushions EVERYWHERE. Under every cushion.


Is it wrong that I want to do this just for fun?



Partially, we stay at his place because it's nicer, but also for practical reasons... My bed is lofted and smaller, so being in bed together is less than ideal. On weekdays, leaving from my place tacks about 25 minutes onto his already one hour commute, whereas me leaving from his place doesn't change my commute time.

I need to figure out a good way to talk to him and try to figure out how to make him staying at my place a little easier, because it is frustrating. I try to think about continuing on like this, even just to the end of my school year, when I have so many other stresses, that this just feels bleak and terrible. I'm blowing it out of proportion, of course, but when I have so many stresses, this is just approaching straw-that-breaks-the-back territory, which bugs me, because it shouldn't be such a big deal.


What if you guys just spent like.. One night a week at your own places? My boyfriend has an incredibly shitty bed so we spend very few nights there, and since he doesn't have a car I'm not wanting to drive us back and forth, so when we lived closer we spent every night together but now we give each other a night off here and there. We probably spend 2-3 nights apart a week.

He has a cat and I have a dog and they cannot hang out so they both need attention. He needs time at his place to clean and socialize with his roommate and I need to stay home and socialize with my dog. Sometimes it gets lonely and I usually have second thoughts at bed time and want to go over there, but I think I'm more relaxed this way. We don't get sick of each other and I'm usually missing him after just one night apart, but we both had time to clean our houses and play with our pets and sit in front of our computers and play wow for 8 hours straight.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 1:37 am 
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Maybe this is petty and ridiculous, but I really suck at space in relationships. I'm not talking a night or three apart (provided I get some kind of conversation, even if its a ten minute phone call or sporadic texts throughout the day) because we're busy, I'm talking little to not contact, in person or over the phone, for three days. This is what happens when I start to think that cheating is a "good" idea. I know it isn't and I know it's a terrible thing to do, but I crave and I need that closeness, physically and emotionally, and when I start to not get it, I turn somewhere else to fill out. But I can't expect someone to just change to keep me from making the wrong decision, but they should also take into consideration my needs.
I just..agh. It's been four days since I've seen my boyfriend, and we've had one five minute phone conversation. That's it. We've been dating for five months and he knows I need more than that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 3:22 am 
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Missdelaney, are there other people that you can get intimacy and closeness from without going against the boundaries you and your boyfriend have set for your relationship? Are there friends who you can cuddle with on the couch whilst watching a movie, for example?

I totally understand the thing of wanting more regular contact than one brief phone conversation in four days, and it sounds like it'd be good for you two to have a(nother?) conversation around what your needs and wants are for physical and emotional closeness - if you've got expectations that aren't being met, it's always good to clarify those and make sure you're both on the same page.

But it's possible that your boyfriend can't meet all of your needs for physical and emotional closeness (I guess that, coming from a poly mindset, I tend to think that no one person can completely fulfill all of another person's physical AND emotional needs, if only because some of these might be mutually exclusive)... so in that case it might be helpful to have close friends who you know can help meet those needs for you as well. Obviously if you're monogamous, certain needs are going to be exclusively met by your boyfriend (and maybe exactly what those might be is something that you could talk about as well), but there might be some needs that close friends could be meeting as well so you're not solely dependent on your boyfriend for that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 6:19 am 
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gunk nailed it! Maybe you need to take a look at how you want to manifest your love, maybe poly is the right way to go for you. Although, IMHO it's a completely different mindset that doesn't fit everyone (it didn't work for me, at least not at that time with that individual) but I know some who are really comfortable and happy to love that way.
I hope you find what you're looking for, and remember, be who you are! It's amazing to be wanting and giving that much love.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 6:23 am 
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Gunk, if you're okay with talking about it, I'm really curious about how you define love and how you deal with jealousy (if that comes up/exists for you). It's so wonderful that humankind can feel love, and in so many different ways!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 12:01 pm 
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I can't ever really seem to push through to the next step in the building of relationships. One of my biggest problems is that when I do meet someone and we flirt a lot, then we make the move where we try to get to know each other more, that's a big part of where it just ends. It's happened right now, in fact. There was a guy who's been flirting with me full on and so we talked over IM and text and still see each other at work but after the first night of talking to him on IM I wasn't feeling it as much. After talking to him again over text and IM, I was feeling it even less. I thought maybe it's because we're not talking in person and because his grammar and spelling is awful so I would see how I feel after I see him in person again. I only got to see him a little bit at work yesterday because I was so busy but when I did see him I got some of the old feeling back but not as much as usual (I was also kind of depressed yesterday for various reasons). Then we text with each other last night and I think that's just the end of it. I don't feel like I'm picking up the vibes anymore from him and I don't think I feel them either. We have nothing much in common, his grammar and spelling online and through text is awful, he just got out of a long term relationship and I really don't want to get involved with someone in that position, he does something that I think is pretty awful, and I hate saying this but I don't feel like he's on my level, or we're just intelligent about very different things. I know he's not my type at all and nothing would ever really come from it but I took a chance and it failed. This seems to happen all of the time, though. I feel like I can't really relate to anyone and I can't really talk to them (I like conversation). When I do meet people they always seem to be guys who just got out of a long term relationship and I never like dating people in that position, or they don't pick up anything from me, or I don't pick up anything from them. I just can't even get to a dating and relationship place because I can't get past the meeting and getting to know people place.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 3:19 pm 
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Helix wrote:
Gunk, if you're okay with talking about it, I'm really curious about how you define love and how you deal with jealousy (if that comes up/exists for you). It's so wonderful that humankind can feel love, and in so many different ways!


Oh gosh, what a big question! I don't know quite how to answer how I define love. I know that I think there are lots of different kinds of love, like you said - as many as there are people, or more? Whilst I'm poly, I'm also pretty introverted and only have a fairly small circle of people who I'm close to. So far, I haven't experienced being "in love" (which I think of differently to "loving") with more than one person at once..... My partner sometimes finds this hard to understand, because they fall in love much more easily than I do.

I guess that sort of leads to jealousy. I totally experience jealousy! My usual method is to work out what my feelings are, where they're coming from, and whether they're feelings that I need to deal with on my own, or with my partner/lover/whoever. Usually I'd just tell the other person about them and how I'm working through them, but sometimes it's something we can work on together - there might be something they can do to reassure me, etc. Often it stems from a fear of something that isn't actually happening, so I guess I think about it, and talk about it, and try to acknowledge that I'm feeling it, then let the feeling go. Harder than it sounds! I think that I feel jealousy less and less in my relationship with my partner. We've been together a little over three years, and I feel pretty solid in our relationship. It's always evolving and changing, and definitely looks very different to how it did even a year ago, but feeling really comfortable in my importance to them means that I don't feel jealous as much.

Actually, one thing I do sometimes feel jealous about is almost what I was saying to missdelaney - the idea that one person can never fulfill all of another person's needs. Part of me really really wants to be able to do that, and it's tough when I'm faced with the fact that I can't. I really like to look after and nurture people, and sometimes it hurts my pride to see the people who I'm really close to getting that from somewhere else. But there are always good reasons for that - usually to do with the fact that it wouldn't work for our relationship for me to nurture them in that way, or because they recognise that I don't have the time and energy to give them all the nurture that they need. It's good to remind myself of that! In the past, I've given more than I really had the energy to give, and that's lead to heaps of resentment and conflict in my relationships. These days, I'm trying to be much more honest with myself about how much it's healthy for me to give, and learning to let go/step back when I need that energy for myself. It's a hard lesson to learn, but I'm getting there slowly!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 5:25 pm 
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Location: Seattle!
While great for some, poly-anything is not for me. Nor is it for my boyfriend. And I'm totally happy with monogamy! I think, in part, having my roommate/ best friend gone for those days as well has made it really hard. I hate being home alone. I know I need to talk to him about it and tell him the pattern and what happens, but that's a really hard conversation- it basically sums up to, "if we aren't close and intimate, I'll cheat on you." Which isn't entirely true, but who wants to hear that in any context?

I think we may hang out tonight and study, so I'll talk to him...

_________________
"Its really hard to keep in shape, my prison of principles only has so much pacing space." - Shy Mox

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