Post Punk Kitchen Forum

Haha, how nearly? Like a year and a half ago I was on my first date in a long time and had really bad panic attacks all day leading up to it. Like can't-get-out-of-bed panic attacks. I pulled it together in time for the date and managed to seem pretty normal for the first little while until I picked up my drink and my hand shook so bad that I started spilling beer on the table and had to use two hands to steady it as I drank. Like a toddler :/


Yay!

Ban bluestars.

No, not that nearly, but I kept my drink on the table just in case!

We were talking about cliffhangers with regards to bluestars, but it has occurred to me that Joyfulgirl has also not said how it went...how you doing JG?

So I met the second guy today, having already talked a little bit about this; he emphasized that he's cool with just hanging out as friends, so that made this whole situation a lot less weird. He's really cool and I'm cool with being friends, so that's nice.
Also I sent a message to the guy who invited me to the show but he hasn't got back to me, which kinda bums me out.

Sorry! I forgot I left you all hanging...So my partner actually brought it up before I did and apologized for being distant. They often do this and blame stress and anxiety, so I usually say it's okay, because its not their fault they have anxiety issues but I've had enough and I was ready to tell them I can't do it anymore when they added "and I decided to try going on anti-anxiety medication. I was afraid it would change me, but not being on it is already changing me for the worse and it's not fair to you."
So we talked about it for a while and I'm going to wait and see if anything improves. This was on Saturday and we haven't seen each other or talked at all since. We were apart due to overlapping vacations from Dec 11-Jan 2 and since we've both been back home, we've seen each other twice. Both times were suggested by me. I'm really having a hard time believing that they actually want to be in this relationship but I keep letting anxiety be the excuse. I deal with stress and anxiety totally differently so I'm not really sure what is the anxiety's fault and what is just because they aren't into it either.

Joyful, I don't know if you have done this, but if you're having an honest dialogue, then you do need to make your own needs known and it sounds like two of your needs/wants in this relationship are (1) reassurance that your partner wants to be in the relationship with you and (2) companionship. I don't think either are unreasonable. I also think it can be empowering to say what you want and advocate for yourself, even if the relationship does end.

You are such a sweet and loving person, I just hate to see you tolerating a relationship that isn't making you happy.

Tlish, that is definitely something that I have to do. I'm really bad at advocating for myself (and not just in romantic relationships, either). I'm honestly fine with the relationship ending. I just get so hung up on worrying that I'm going to hurt/upset the other person.

Well, I guess if you are in the mood to be patient and see if the meds change anything you certainly can. I've always been patient like that for people with issues but then again its actually not best for me, so I'm over that. Maybe you could also have a trial separation and after she's been on meds for awhile, see where you are at.

Tough one!

Or even go back to 'dating' vs 'relationship' and see other people. It definitely isn't fair to you. And by the time they get better, you may be so checked out of the idea of a relationship that it won't matter. Also, you shouldn't settle for 'mediocre' or 'just ok' especially at this early in a relationship. Relationships have ups and downs, that is certainly but early on, you shouldn't have more downs than ups.

You don't sound very interested in the relationship and there's nothing wrong with upsetting someone by breaking up with them. Everyone deals with that in life and it is ok. You shouldn't put yourself through so much mental stress over something you aren't into to keep someone else happy. That's not a good relationship to be in and isn't fair to either people who could be running free through the streets meeting people who are the right fit for a good relationship.

Would you be willing to see this as an opportunity to try advocating for yourself, joyfulgirl? I'd sit down and put down a few notes about what you want in a relationship to be happy. The silver lining about being in an unhappy relationship is it tells you pretty clearly what you don't want and that can lead to seeing what is most important to you. Then practice a conversation stating clearly in I statements what you're looking for. I don't think there is anything wrong about worrying about hurting the other person, but a good committed conversation can help minimize the pain for both of you. You don't even have to have an outcome in mind, just say what you need to to feel heard :)

Let me know if we can support you in any way :) If you think its useful to try saying what is there for you to a person who is "playing" your partner, we can practice over Skype if you want.

Ok final update: it's officially done. We were supposed to see each other yesterday after not having seen each other since Saturday and with almost no communication of any form since then either. But then a couple of hours before we're supposed to hang out I get this text: "ok, [friend] is freaking out about a deadline we have tomorrow at 10:30 am and wanted some help. is it ok for tomorrow? sorry!" So when I saw this, I was incredibly upset because really, you haven't seen or talked to me in 4 days and now you're blowing me off for this friend you see often?? NOT okay. On the bright side, I was no longer unsure of my decision to end the relationship, so that's good.
So today I went over and told them I was really upset and I can't have a once a week relationship. They totally agreed and took complete responsibility for the way they've been a shitty partner for way too long and apologized profusely for having hurt me. And we agreed to stay friends (which really is a necessity because we have a ton of friends in common). We even went out to dinner with some friends after and all was well.
Now it's just to to me to get used to having a lot of lonely free time again.

I am really sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did a great job advocating for your needs though. I hope you feel less lonely soon - it always seems like you have tons of awesome friends and great stuff to do. No one roadtrips like you do!

Tofulish, thanks for always being so supportive and sweet! You're the best help when I'm feeling sad.
And big huge massive thanks also to linanil, lycophyte, pandacookie, and any one i missed for offering support these past few days in this thread. hugs!

Lots of awesome free time to meet awesome people like you. Onward friend!

So, I finally gave my 'boyfriend' the good old boot (someone who was seriously bad for me in the mental health department). Yay! Feeling good about that. I've got myself a brand spanking new OkCupid account and already have a date for Friday. Weeee. He has a beard and tattoos, my favorite two things on a man (other than, ya know, a kind heart and manners).

Goooood job TheHerbivore! I know I've had a number of times I should have ditched someone for my mental health and still was too stubborn.

Reactivated my POF account last night as I was bored and melancholy because non-dating website crush is fast not becoming a crush anymore.

I check my email this morning and I've been inundated with 'soandso' wants to meet you emails plus a message. ?!

I haven't even put up a new picture because when I tried it told me the picture was too big, file size wise. This should be entertaining.

I was chatting to some guy for a couple of weeks but I got bored of his conversation and also he lives a couple of hours away. Blah.

Aside from that, lateley - nada!

I reactivated my OKC account. There seems to be very few queer people listed for my area. Most of my matches are either a: 6-8 years younger than me (I'm not really interested in dating someone in undergrad right now) b: in connecticut (registers as <25mi away but we're divided by the Long Island Sound or c: people who share none of my interests (I will NOT date a conservative. no, sir)

Baps, I'm like that a lot as well! Mostly just responding to tell you that your icon is the most amazing adorable thing ever. Jensen is adorbs. (Even though I'm more of a Jared girl)

I love that episode "Oh my god, tofu is amazing!" hahaha

I knoow! I was so excited until the waitress killed it.

Anyways, I'm trying figure out how to end it with crush guy without making bad feelings because we're most certainly going to see each other again (in November but not before).

My tendency is to want to just cut off contact but that won't work. It's also not the mature way to do it.

This is kinda long, but I never post in here, so... I had a pretty serious crush on this archaeologist dude, but we didn't make it past the first date because our schedules don't mesh right now.

Then this comedian started messaging me on OKC a few months ago. I needed a distraction from the archaeologist and my general loneliness with living in California. The comedian and I got along well and hung out a few times. Before I left to visit Texas in late January, he told me we'd hang out when I got back. When I contacted him, he tells me things got serious with another girl over the course of my trip and he still wanted to be friends. I immediately deleted his number and was over it. I figured he was just blowing me off.

But he started texting me again. And we were contacting each other everyday with weird and random shiitake. And he's all flirty. And he asked to come over to my apartment a few nights ago but flaked at the last minute. Then...he mentions his gf two days ago. And I'm like "The fork?!" He's all bummed because she wants an open relationship (and is banging other people) but he doesn't. Basically, this is eerily similar to me being 19 again. Back then, the dude completely forked me up emotionally. This time, though, I'm not actually looking for a romantic relationship.

Still...I've been bummed about this ever since. Mostly because hanging out with anybody at this point is a way to combat this extremely lonely feeling. Plus, I kinda miss making out and whatnot. fork. Forkity fork.

mixmaster_mo, I'm sorry! I'm not sure what to tell you.

Got a message from a guy on PoF saying he likes me because 'your a christian like me' I suppose I deserve it since I do mark as 'christian' on these things (I'm Quaker, which tends to have a lot of christians and I never quite know what to select since it's usually not an option).

And hey, I'm cool with people being christian, whatevs, but I've never meshed well with devout christians (beyond friendship, that is).