The Depression Thread

Moon · **Posted:** Sun Feb 10, 2013 12:38 pm

Gunk, you hit the nail on the head. My issue also tends to go into an "anxious depression" melange. It gets especially bad when my fatigue hits hard or I'm severely under rested. But the past month has been pretty depressing feeling. I feel more isolated and lonely than usual. I have lovely friends and a wonderful husband but no one to talk to about this... "Stuff". In my circle, I am the resident therapist. I do the reassuring and find the silver linings and present objectivity. But I don't feel like I can ask them to do that for me.

finnophile · **Posted:** Mon Feb 11, 2013 7:18 pm

I've been doing a lot better the past few weeks. The medication has started working. If I don't go off medication my next therapy appointment will probably be my last.

OliviaL · **Joined:** Wed Jan 09, 2013 6:04 pm **Posts:** 42

daisychain wrote:

Thanks jogirl! I keep thinking.... jeez.... am I going high? Having enough energy to do a bit of housework at the end of the day is just amazing and so unusual. I actually cleaned out one of my bedside lockers last night before going to bed because it was so disorganised. Hoping over the next few weeks that I stay healthy and I can get a massive spring clean done in the house. This last spell of depression (nearly 7 months I think) has caused some serious neglect in my house.

I am glad you are doing better, and for those who need them that meds help. Its interesting the human brain, body chemistry and experiences how all of these things factor into our well being. No one can really say what causes depression precisely, but I hope someday we begin to understand it more. Its still a difficult thing to speak about, because it is so misunderstood and sadly sometimes people misjudge or make people out as weak who are suffering with it, because they have no understanding of the condition. Last thing that person needs, really. Most people who suffer are intelligent, thoughtful, productive people and they do the best they can to fight something which often is largely out of their control. Its something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I think people who reach out, talk about it and get treatment are incredibly brave and strong.

julialegume · **Posted:** Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:30 pm

my celexa is upped from 30 to 40 mg. headachey and crazy dreams, but I feel productive for once in my life. Sleepy a LOT though.

Limone · **Posted:** Fri Feb 15, 2013 3:33 pm

Ugh, I feel so rough today. And a lot of the time lately. I've had issues with depression on and off throughout my life, but the last year or so has been particularly awful. A lot of unpleasant stuff has happened so I guess that shouldn't come as a surprise. In the past I've been pretty good at managing it without medication, but it's been so bad lately that I don't know what to do. I tried a few different antidepressants in my early 20s (Paxil, Zoloft, Effexor) and they all left me feeling more weird and dead inside and sleepy than when I started, so I really don't want to go down that road again. I have minimal funds and crappy insurance so I'm not sure about therapy options either.

I think a couple other people in this thread mentioned having social anxiety about going out with friends or whatever, but then feeling better once they were out and about. That used to be me, except right now I feel even WORSE when I force myself to do stuff like that. I feel like most people I've met in this town are ultra-ambitious, so in addition to not really being especially competitive or whatever I've also been mostly unemployed for the last year, which makes me feel really shitty and self-conscious to be around people who are asking me questions about what I do or what my "plans" are. I've lived here for over two years and feel like I don't have any close friends other than my boyfriend, who is very sweet and supportive, but it's not the same as having a group (or even just a few) friends who are nice and don't care that your professional life is a mess. It would be nice to at least know some people whose primary social activity isn't getting drunk, because I hate bars and drinking heavily leaves me feeling even more depressed. I had a pretty tight-knit group of pals when I lived in Chicago, and while I keep in touch with a lot of those folks, they're all wrapped up in their own lives and having kids and stuff, so I can't even really talk about this stuff with them at a distance. Same thing with my family (who are scattered around the east coast). So yeah, I feel pretty lonely and isolated on top of everything else.

Lately I've been trying to eat better and keep my apartment really clean and self-study things that I'm interested in, which helps, but some days I feel great and others I feel so worried about my future and I just want to sleep for 20 hours. Unfortunately today is the latter.

booberthefraggle · **Posted:** Sat Feb 16, 2013 2:34 am

so a few weeks ago I went to go see the school's psychologist and wow was it ever unhelpful.
(complaining about a lot of nitpicky things under the cut)

Spoiler: show

I go in there, and since I hadn't been in before there is obviously the basic like "what year are you, how old are you etc" questions and as soon as I said I was a senior she sort of says "oh! of course thesis semester" like suddenly she knew why I was there, and she kept harping on that even though I am FINE with my thesis project, the one thing I will always be fine with is making work, that's how I live, shiitake.
then when I explained that I was having some pretty bad trouble with depression, grieving, and dealing with the complete loss of family support if I were to cut off my previously abusive parent and that I was not feeling like I had even an inkling of a safety net she told me to cut down on coffee, that I was worried about graduating, and was surprised when I said I had friends? like somehow if I have friends it isn't earth-shattering to be faced with the prospect of the only family I ever had being actually detrimental to my mental health to the degree that I have to exile myself.

I also had to explain my relationship to the friend I had who killed himself SEVERAL times before she got that he was more than just like, a friend's brother that I didn't know or anything, I actually had to stop her and be like "no, that's not what I said, I knew him for 20 years, I slept on their floors and couch and front porch when I couldn't be at home, these people were my family and this is not just a friend, I know you probably don't mean it that way, but the way you are referring to this as though it is something small is upsetting." and she just sort of went "oh! oh so you really knew him" AFTER EXPLAINING THAT SPECIFICALLY.

and after very explicitly explaining my father's role in my life (moved out and 1000 miles away when I was 10, leaving me alone with my mother, contacting me once every few months, and generally acting as a sporadic benefactor for 10 years until very recently, we now have a pretty aimiable relationship and he is tying and I am working on forgiving him for leaving me trapped with an abusive parent. It is still very difficult for me to even function when I do see him, and again I stated that very specifically.) we were doing the whole talking about weather thing as I was leaving and she says to me "hey at least you can visit your father in florida! some people are stuck here."

are you.
forking.
kidding me.
she just hit me with a guilt trip for complaining about snow as I was walking out the door?
I get that it was one hour and she isn't expected to know a huge amount about me in one hour, but come on that is one of the THREE things we talked about at any length and it's sort of a huge one.

I know I also came in there possibly expecting a little more than most of the students they are used to catering to in that office (most of the people with not-just-stres issues seek off-campus counseling) so they usually are just dishing out tips like "try to go to the gym!" "do yoga!" "drink less coffee!" but WOW was that frustrating to get as a response to the stuff I went in there needing help with.

super annoyed that I have to find someone else now, looking for sliding scale folks, but again time is an issue and it is EXHAUSTING trying to find someone to help me process this shiitake while simultaneously processing this shiitake completely on my own.

Rowan · **Posted:** Sat Feb 16, 2013 2:45 am

booberthefraggle wrote:

so a few weeks ago I went to go see the school's psychologist and wow was it ever unhelpful.
(complaining about a lot of nitpicky things under the cut)

Spoiler: show

I go in there, and since I hadn't been in before there is obviously the basic like "what year are you, how old are you etc" questions and as soon as I said I was a senior she sort of says "oh! of course thesis semester" like suddenly she knew why I was there, and she kept harping on that even though I am FINE with my thesis project, the one thing I will always be fine with is making work, that's how I live, shiitake.
then when I explained that I was having some pretty bad trouble with depression, grieving, and dealing with the complete loss of family support if I were to cut off my previously abusive parent and that I was not feeling like I had even an inkling of a safety net she told me to cut down on coffee, that I was worried about graduating, and was surprised when I said I had friends? like somehow if I have friends it isn't earth-shattering to be faced with the prospect of the only family I ever had being actually detrimental to my mental health to the degree that I have to exile myself.

I also had to explain my relationship to the friend I had who killed himself SEVERAL times before she got that he was more than just like, a friend's brother that I didn't know or anything, I actually had to stop her and be like "no, that's not what I said, I knew him for 20 years, I slept on their floors and couch and front porch when I couldn't be at home, these people were my family and this is not just a friend, I know you probably don't mean it that way, but the way you are referring to this as though it is something small is upsetting." and she just sort of went "oh! oh so you really knew him" AFTER EXPLAINING THAT SPECIFICALLY.

and after very explicitly explaining my father's role in my life (moved out and 1000 miles away when I was 10, leaving me alone with my mother, contacting me once every few months, and generally acting as a sporadic benefactor for 10 years until very recently, we now have a pretty aimiable relationship and he is tying and I am working on forgiving him for leaving me trapped with an abusive parent. It is still very difficult for me to even function when I do see him, and again I stated that very specifically.) we were doing the whole talking about weather thing as I was leaving and she says to me "hey at least you can visit your father in florida! some people are stuck here."

are you.
forking.
kidding me.
she just hit me with a guilt trip for complaining about snow as I was walking out the door?
I get that it was one hour and she isn't expected to know a huge amount about me in one hour, but come on that is one of the THREE things we talked about at any length and it's sort of a huge one.

I know I also came in there possibly expecting a little more than most of the students they are used to catering to in that office (most of the people with not-just-stres issues seek off-campus counseling) so they usually are just dishing out tips like "try to go to the gym!" "do yoga!" "drink less coffee!" but WOW was that frustrating to get as a response to the stuff I went in there needing help with.

super annoyed that I have to find someone else now, looking for sliding scale folks, but again time is an issue and it is EXHAUSTING trying to find someone to help me process this shiitake while simultaneously processing this shiitake completely on my own.

Boober....I'm so sorry this happened. I went to the ER a year ago with suicidal ideation. I explained that I was feeling suicidal and had attempted before and had access to large quantities of medication. The psychiatrists advised me to A) get a SAD lamp B) get my thyroid tested and C)take a week off school. They wrote me a note excusing me from classes and sent me out the door. Fast forward a few days and I was in a coma in the ICU.

Anyways....sometimes people are stressed and weird and make mistakes....and sometimes they just suck at their jobs. In any case, it's about them, not you.

ndpittman · **Posted:** Sat Feb 16, 2013 9:23 am

Grrr!!! That makes me so mad and sad for you, Boober. Especially because finding a good counselor/psychologist is like magic. I know it's hard, but stick with finding someone.

Rowan, I still can't believe that shiitake. I mean, the ER reaction.

I'm seeing someone, and it randomly happened to be a great fit. I'm working on CBT, and I think it's going well. We're focusing on behavior and me being active to break the vicious cycle of depression. Lots of worksheets, but I dig it. I wish I could give you my spot for a week or two though boober, so you can get some of that stuff off your chest. This chick asks superb questions and makes really good observations.

Arisaig · **Posted:** Sun Feb 17, 2013 9:54 am

Boober, my mouth is hanging open after reading this. Where do these people get their credentials, a cereal box? If nothing else, a counselor needs to listen, listen, listen. Maybe that person can't help you but most of us feel comfort just in being heard. I hope you find someone good soon.

finnophile · **Posted:** Sun Feb 17, 2013 12:17 pm

Boober, I'm sorry our experience was bad.

I fell very lucky that the person I'm seeing at my university is the best therapist I've ever worked with.

I was doing so much better and then I just crashed into misery again and I can't seem to force myself out of it. I don't get it. Things have been going super well the past few weeks.

Simply_Love · **Posted:** Mon Feb 18, 2013 8:53 pm

Boober, that's horrible. I hope you find someone who is more understanding of your situation *hugs*

I'm suppose to have my third session at my colleges counseling center on Friday, but I'm wondering if I should look into a more regular situation. They were very forth coming about their counselors being for a more a once in a while/short term need, and while the two session I've had have helped, I think right now I need a bit more than that. Especially since I've just been feeling progressively worse over the past few weeks after our last session. I'm going to see if there is anyway I could have weekly sessions with them for a while, or see if they can refer me to someone I could do that with. Cause what seems to be happening is I'll have a session, feel okay for a few days about what we talked about, then I'll start having the negative internal dialogue again, and by the time I see them again a few weeks later, it's to the point where I can't stop thinking it. Then it repeats over again.

Rowan · **Posted:** Thu Feb 21, 2013 12:34 am

Barclay wrote:

Drink at least 12 associated with water daily, Implement an assortment of turmeric extract dust and blueberry juice on under eye groups, Implement cold cream 15 minutes before going to bed, Sleep for at least 8 hours in a day....

Shut the fork up.

daisychain · **Posted:** Thu Feb 21, 2013 4:49 am

Preachy spammers seriously suck.

Boober, that counsellor sounds seriously sucky and is just far too used to college based stress.

I had a few days were I had a bit of a slump but I managed to come through it nicely. The bad days seem a heck of a lot easier to manage now that I am not in such a toxic work environment.

paprikapapaya · **Posted:** Thu Feb 21, 2013 10:48 am

BOOBER, I'm so forking sorry. I hate shitty therapists. I had one for a few sessions that I fired after I was explaining to him the impact that my parents having absolutely not supported me pursuing a career I enjoy, and that they basically told me from childhood I'd end up working in a factory. Because of this, I spent the first few years of my early adulthood, working menial jobs that I absolutely hated but was convinced since childhood that I wasn't worthy of doing anything more than that. I was totally beaten down and didn't believe I was worth a post-secondary education. I told him that one of my lowest points was having a job as a bank teller, and I was bulimic and very self-loathing, and I was so desperate to get out of that situation and pursue art. His response was, "What's so bad about being a bank teller?! You should've been happy to have that job!" Nothing, dude, expect EVERYTHING I just told you. ARGH.

paprikapapaya · **Posted:** Thu Feb 21, 2013 10:52 am

Oh, and therapists who don't operate on a sliding scale also really annoy me. When I was on the hunt for a new therapist a couple years ago, I was calling around and asking people about their fees and sliding scales. 90% of them were like, "Um, no I don't have a sliding scale. $200 an hour." One even lectured me about how he has bills to pay and asking for a sliding scale is insulting. The business of psychology really left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm so thankful for my psychologist, who moved away last year but we still do phone sessions, and he charges me a very reasonable rate because he recognizes I pay OUT OF POCKET and I'm so far from rich.

daisychain · **Posted:** Sat Feb 23, 2013 12:49 pm

I've done something seriously naughty. The past 3 nights I halved my nighttime antidepressant because of the amount of cravings it is giving me. I've put on 5lbs in a week. The lack of control I have over my cravings is just horrible. I was starting to feel good about my body again because I had gotten down a bit of the medication weight. It took me 6 months to get down 8lbs but in one week I manage to put up 5.

I know the sensible thing would be to go see the doctor but I haven't the money to see my own GP and my appointment with the psych isn't for another 5 weeks.

lavawitch · **Posted:** Sat Feb 23, 2013 7:55 pm

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Does anybody have any ideas how to make it through a screening to see if you are worth their taking on as a patient. I can't pass these so nobody will help me. The problem is I have a history of seeing somebody for a couple years and tapering off.

The waiting lists here are months and months long, and if they are taking new patient, you have to do the screening, and I fail, and am back to square one of nobody.

Any way around this?

I found old school papers on my computer earlier and it's like I'm not the same person. I used to have enthusiasm about stuff and the ability to follow through. Now, if I get a spark of an idea, it just exhausts me ,so I go sleep. If I'm not at work, Im alseep, and I know this isn't normal, and I can't blame it all on my other medical issues. I don't remember ever being happy, and the last time I did anything that could be considered fun was Novemeber when I went to see Skyfall in IMAX.

I take Lexapro, and it kind of helps in that I'm not actively miserable, but it doesn't help when I go into deeper cycles. My PCM is the only resource I have.

lillianp · **Posted:** Sat Feb 23, 2013 8:14 pm

What is a screening for you? I had a phone screening that I don't remember being more than trying to find the right therapist for me. Granted I was starting for anxiety/food related issues, not specific depression (We think I have very mild situational depression & SAD)

lavawitch · **Posted:** Sat Feb 23, 2013 8:28 pm

They mostly ask about previous providers and your past history and medications used. Then they decide if they "can" add you to their 6 month long waiting list.

ndpittman · **Posted:** Sat Feb 23, 2013 8:46 pm

That is so disappointing, LW! I'm in a similar situation I think, and seeing someone is so incredibly helpful. I'm not sure why. I'm working with her on cognitive behavior therapy, and we're working on behavior because all I ever do is sleep, which leads to the vicious depression cycle. So far I've been making lists of things I might like to do and setting small attainable goals for myself. Like this weekend my goal was to go to the gym today. Going to the gym makes me happy, but I'm usually asleep more than awake on the weekends and just lie around being miserable-lite. (Meaning I'm mostly OK, I just feel guilty and lazy, which can devolve into worthless and disgusting unless I make an effort.) Working with the therapist makes me feel accountable, but not pressured if that makes sense. She's big on me not beating myself up, which means I forgive myself quicker.

I don't know. I guess I'm just saying stick with it? The right person can be a huge help. All I said in the phone screening is that I sleep all the time, don't take pleasure in the things that I once did, and have a history of depression. Sorry that isn't very helpful!

lavawitch · **Posted:** Sat Feb 23, 2013 9:15 pm

Maybe I should try again. Last time I tried was a year or two ago. It's just so much effort and I don't have any energy. I still have other specialist appts to make. So many to keep track of.

The water aerobics would help, but again, I spent the money on other things (glasses), so now I can't do that until May. (registration for March 1st ends the day before I get paid) I'm good at self sabotage.

I think this is the lowest my mental energy has been in a long time, just emphasized because Im hormone tripping or something right now.

daisychain · **Posted:** Tue Feb 26, 2013 2:31 pm

I freaked a bit last night and got worried about the prospect of relapsing so I went back to the dose of my medication that I am meant to be on. It's only 4 weeks until my next appointment with the doctor. I will bring up my issues with the tablet and rapid weight gain then.

lillianp · **Posted:** Tue Feb 26, 2013 2:51 pm

I didn't see any friends this weekend and mostly spent it all by myself. I did my best not to let it get to me, anxiety wise since I have self esteem issues related to friends/being awkward/etc, but it definitely took it's toll on me. I've also been feeling kind of mopey recently. I've been doing the self-care and holding fairly well with the skills my therapist has been helping me learn but I just wish I could be happy.

finnophile · **Posted:** Wed Feb 27, 2013 9:20 pm

I was doing so much better, but a bad grade and an e-mail from a professor brought made me super depressed. I hid in the grad office while people were at a talk and cried. Other depression symptoms have re-emerged. All my friends that saw me today expressed concern, it just sucks. I thought my therapy appointment next week would be my last because I was doing so much better, but now I don't know.

pistachiorose · **Posted:** Thu Mar 07, 2013 11:41 pm

Are any of you on wellbutrin right now?

I'm currently on cipralex (for anxiety) but have also been prescribed wellbutrin now to deal with depressive symptoms that have started up in the past couple of months. I filled my prescription yesterday but am afraid to take it because one of the only things that make me feel ok about myself right now is exercise and I'm afraid that if I take it then maybe my heart will pop out of my chest or something next time I try to run 10k. So I guess I'm wondering, those of you who have tried wellbutrin, did it impact your athletic performance in a negative way? And did you have problems with excessive sweating also? I'm just nervous about starting a new drug that's not an SSRI.

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