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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 3:56 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
Its hard to find someone who makes you feel wonderful and even if that relationship doesn't last forever, feeling wonderful even for a short period is a good thing.


Quoted for truth! This is an important thing for everyone to keep in mind--ourselves in our own relationships, when interacting with our friends and their relationships, and so on. I like it!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 4:24 pm 
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DarthCupcake wrote:
Tofulish wrote:
Its hard to find someone who makes you feel wonderful and even if that relationship doesn't last forever, feeling wonderful even for a short period is a good thing.


Quoted for truth! This is an important thing for everyone to keep in mind--ourselves in our own relationships, when interacting with our friends and their relationships, and so on. I like it!


Yep, beat me to it, so re-quoted for double truth! I'm happy for now. I spent SO MUCH TIME in my last two relationships being absolutely miserable, and so this is a nice change. I don't need a man around to make me happy, and of course this all started happening just as I became comfortable with living and being alone again. But my independence is part of what makes me me and that is part of what draws this man to me. I'm not giving up anything to be with him. He has lived alone his entire adult life and we both like having our own spaces, even though we like having each other in them. So nothing is going to move too quickly. While I appreciate input from the people who are close to me, I take a lot of it with a grain of salt, because our experiences are so different. Two other friends that I have spoken to about this are totally supportive. And also, I've been out of my last relationship for 3 months, which may not seem like a long time to some people, but I feel like no one really thinks about the fact that I was SO done with my ex for, well, pretty much our entire relationship. I feel ready to move on, and this thing is adding to my happiness.

I am going to enjoy it while it lasts, however long that may be, and hope that, as long as I'm safe and warm and all that jazz, the people who don't understand it right now can at least learn to live with it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 4:51 pm 
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i'm also happy to hear about people (like allularpunk) who've said they were in unhappy/ bad/ unhealthy relationships and have later been able to find happy/ stable relationships. i just think that're really uplifting to hear.

maybe this in another perspective to people listening to relationship advice: i really don't like the relationship that my brother has with his bf. it seems kinda codependent, they're both really bad with money, my brother is making important life decisions about his work and education to work around his bf, and it's just kinda annoying to be around them-- arguments about who loves who more, endless kissing when i'm over for dinner, stuff like that. they've been together for a year and half now and i've never told him i didn't like their relationship. i've dropped suggestions to my brother about different decisions he could make about work/ school that don't necessarily involve his bf, but he doesn't see that as an option and that's ok. if they wind up together for the rest of their lives, for better or for worse, i'll just try to be there and be happy for them. i don't view it was my place to outright say anything negative to either of them about the relationship. that's for them to decide and me to accept.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 9:19 pm 
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to hell with the naysayers, allularpunk! Be happy (provided you're safe, etc.)!!!

chouettes crepes, it's really hard to see bad things going on in someone else's relationship.
However, I like to remind people that some people are codependent. If it isn't unhealthy, I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm pretty codependent about emotional things, and I love spending time with my sweetie, and we're wildly affectionate in public and out of (our friends have a drinking game to go with our PDA). A year and a half is a pretty long time, and I don't necessarily think making life decisions based on that serious of a relationship is a bad thing, either. However, the same compromise should be made by his partner, too. If it seems uneven in any way, that's the trouble.
Not to mention, if the PDA makes you uncomfortable, I think you have a right to mention it. I doubt he'd be upset knowing you'd prefer them to stick to holding hands and not sucking face.

My dude came over last night to cuddle me during my cold and ordered vegan pizza for us- usually it's half and half. So there's a smile for the thread. :-)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 10:36 pm 
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can this thread be a "help me make a relationship decision" thread?

I'm considering entering in to a thing and I just keep thinking "oh my god what am I doing?" so here's the list of pros and cons, make my decisions for me:

cons:
-I am leaving the state for(probably)ever in 4 months so it would start with an expiration date, that set up has not worked well for me historically.
-breaks my #1 rule of not dating people within my school (it is VERY small, and I spend all of my time there, it's like high school but everyone is an adult and remembers everything)
-I am still not sure if I'm like, emotionally stable enough for this?
-I would have to start shaving my legs again, hahah.
-she's really attractive and it sort of stresses me out because auugghhh pretty girls who know they're pretty, y'know?

pros:
-She's really pretty
-like, reaalllyyy pretty
-I like her, I mean, I haven't liked anyone as more than a friend in many months. she makes my heart properly race when I see her.
-she is kind and smart and likes buffy
-hell, she even likes me.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 11:10 pm 
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boober- my decision for you is make out and be happy hanging out with cute, kind, smart lady who likes you too. try not to worry too much about what will happen in 4 months. 4 months of cute people who like you is never bad, even if it is sad when you have to leave them. also it makes the small school thing not such an issue, right? even if it all blows up in the worst way possible (which it totally won't), it's only a few months.

also, you have to shave your legs for ladies? have i been doing it all wrong?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 3:55 am 
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electric_claire wrote:
4 months of cute people who like you is never bad, even if it is sad when you have to leave them.

This.
booberthefraggle wrote:

-she is kind and smart and likes buffy

And this by itself screams "go for it" to me.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 8:30 am 
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electric_claire is wise, boober. You don't necessarily have to put a definition on it to hang out and have makeouts and enjoy each other's company. And who knows what might happen in 4 months, really? Just be honest from the get go.

Older Man came over last night for a little bit just for kisses and cuddles and it was so nice. He told me that he is pretty sure I'm going to break his heart, because that's what I've done in all of my other relationships. Which made me feel kind of bad...and I told him so. It's not like he hasn't had questionable relationship patterns either, which we also discussed. Anyway, he jokingly said that I wouldn't be able to break his heart, because he wouldn't let me get that deep into him. Hope this doesn't become problematic and that he was just mostly joking. Every time he analyzes me or my behavior, he is so spot on...it makes me feel kind of predictable, but at least figure-out-able. Guess that's what I get for dating someone who has a masters degree in criminology - he's profiling me! Anyway, we embark on our relationship accelerator (Seinfeld, anyone?) this afternoon. Make it or break it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 9:32 am 
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Boober- yeah, do you really need to shave legs? I mean, I guess people do have preferences, but I've never shaved my legs for anyone; I've shaved cuz I felt like it and I've not because I felt like it, and if any lady had a problem with it, well, then they probably wouldn't really like me at all!

Also, if you relax about it, relationships that maybe have an expiration date can be wonderful. I had a great month long fling many years ago, and it really helped me to move on from past relationship fails and such. It ended on a lovely high note of fun and makeouts!

Allular- good luck! Patterns may be there, but there is always the trend-bucking that may happen. You've even said how different this feels!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 11:57 am 
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Feeling really crappy because I'm pretty sure I'll be getting dumped tonight. Man Friend (dating for approx. 4 months) has done the whole "I've been thinking things over" and "we need to talk" business. When I pressed him further, he said he wants to discuss "restructuring" our relationship. Is it me or is that fancy talk for "bisque you're getting dumped"?! In the past we've talked about possibly embarking on a more open relationship sometime in the future and it's possible that is what he is referring to, on the other hand he has a lot of issues with jealousy so I can't seem him proposing that idea right now. Last we talked about our relationship he said I wasn't opening up enough to him, or at least not as much as he was, and he wanted me to be more open. Now I feel tricked. While I'm sure it wasn't his intention to lead me on or anything I can't help feeling stupid as hell. Grr...

Was not anticipating this sort of feeling. I'd considered the fact that we might not make it several times, as we have a couple factors that could cause complications (both recently divorced, he has kids, a busy workload, I am still in school and a little younger, not very jealous and fairly open with sexuality). But when I had mulled that over before I just figured we are having fun now, who cares where it goes? Now I'm rightly freaking out over the possibility of losing him. I'm worried I'm going to proclaim my love for him and start crying which makes me feel pathetic. He has been so wonderful to me, and I thought he really liked me.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 12:24 pm 
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oh! I don't mean she would want me to shave my legs, I just prefer my legs to be shaved when they are interacting with other legs, or if it is summer.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 1:04 pm 
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booberthefraggle wrote:
oh! I don't mean she would want me to shave my legs, I just prefer my legs to be shaved when they are interacting with other legs, or if it is summer.


Well, that's good then. Have to say that pairs of interacting freshly shaved legs is a wonderfully sensual experience


Abel- Well, I hope it is only a conversation about opening up the relationship and not a dumping! I guess you won't really know til later, so try and be positive as long as you can!

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Last edited by lycophyte on Sat Mar 02, 2013 1:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 1:06 pm 
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lycophyte wrote:
booberthefraggle wrote:
oh! I don't mean she would want me to shave my legs, I just prefer my legs to be shaved when they are interacting with other legs, or if it is summer.


Well, that's good then. Have to say that pairs of interacting freshly shaved legs is a wonderfully sensual experience.


exaaacccttllllyy

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 4:41 pm 
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Boober: observe what 'Fulish said above about having someone make you feel wonderful, even if isn't for forever, is a great thing! Don't avoid having potentially four months of awesome and happy. Who knows what comes next? NO ONE! Life is a mystery! Have fun. Also, pretty and smart and kind and likes Buffy and you? GUUUUUUUUURL that is such a win.

Abelskiver! I am hugging you in my thoughts. I hope it's not a bad thing. I bet it's a good thing. Update us!

Allularpunk, I have no idea what a relationship accelerator is but I am curious.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2013 9:49 am 
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DarthCupcake wrote:
Boober: observe what 'Fulish said above about having someone make you feel wonderful, even if isn't for forever, is a great thing! Don't avoid having potentially four months of awesome and happy. Who knows what comes next? NO ONE! Life is a mystery! Have fun. Also, pretty and smart and kind and likes Buffy and you? GUUUUUUUUURL that is such a win.

Abelskiver! I am hugging you in my thoughts. I hope it's not a bad thing. I bet it's a good thing. Update us!

Allularpunk, I have no idea what a relationship accelerator is but I am curious.


If I remember correctly, going away together for a weekend is the relationship accelerator.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 10:52 am 
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Moon wrote:
DarthCupcake wrote:
Boober: observe what 'Fulish said above about having someone make you feel wonderful, even if isn't for forever, is a great thing! Don't avoid having potentially four months of awesome and happy. Who knows what comes next? NO ONE! Life is a mystery! Have fun. Also, pretty and smart and kind and likes Buffy and you? GUUUUUUUUURL that is such a win.

Abelskiver! I am hugging you in my thoughts. I hope it's not a bad thing. I bet it's a good thing. Update us!

Allularpunk, I have no idea what a relationship accelerator is but I am curious.


If I remember correctly, going away together for a weekend is the relationship accelerator.


Yeah, going away together early on. Well. It was awesome! It was the goofiest trip the first night...all of these little things kept going 'wrong' (just, not how he planned them) and it was cracking me up. Like, the gps getting us lost at first, and then not being able to find the hotel, and then the hotel not being quite what he thought it would be, and then at dinner, we got seated directly in front of the stage and the musicians came out and were practically on top of us, and it was like a forking SNL skit, because he's kind of, uh, fiscally conservative, and they were singing about 'the man' and 'poor people gonna rise up' and revolutions and omg it made me laugh so so hard and then we accidentally went to a gay bar which was fun, but not exactly what he had in mind and then I got drunk and fell down and hit my head and this entire silly time I was just laughing and laughing and laughing. He kept saying how glad he was that I could laugh about all of it instead of pouting or being grumpy, and we just rolled with it and it was great! He made sure I could eat at the restaurant he took me to and the food was excellent (beans and rice, but seriously so tasty) and we woke up early the next morning and went to breakfast and read the paper together (I read the funnies, he read the sports) and then went swimming and hot tubbing, then got ready and he took me to Whole Foods (my first time! He enjoys awesome grocery stores!) and we looked at every single thing and bought fun snacky things that I can't get here and then we ate lunch from the bar thing and it was really good. And then we went to this arts and crafts fair thing that was going on and it was SO AWESOME and we just held hands and looked at all the stuff and laughed and learned what types of art/decorations each other likes and I bought this really fantastic print and it was just a lot of fun... Then we drove back and I found out that our taste in music is really, really similar (we just listened to 90s music the whole way back haha) and that he likes Better than Ezra, which I didn't think anyone else had ever even heard of, and when we got back we drank wine and snacked and watched 5 episodes of LOST because we're starting it over from the beginning.

Also, lots of great sex. I am a happy lady.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 11:14 am 
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allularpunk wrote:
Yeah, going away together early on. Well. It was awesome!


I'm glad you had fun. My husband and I kind of started on a weekend away, kind of. We had been talking on the phone daily for about a month and there was a work conference we were both going to near where he lived so I extended my stay, the weekend prior I booked a hotel near where he lived (and weekend after I spent with another friend - nonromantically that is). So we were basically tourists in DC for the weekend and it was fun. Although the work conference the week following was difficult because we didn't want anyone to know so we were all professional :)

And funnily enough, the conference we went to was a yearly conference and we were engaged by the time it happened again (later in the year than the previous year) so many people that knew thought we had initially met at the conference the previous year although we had worked together in the same office for 2 years and I had met him even prior that. Although we had been only friends during those times.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 11:17 am 
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Sounds like a great weekend allular!

I, too, am a big fan of Tofulish's advice about someone making you feel great. It's often said that the key element of any relationship is how that other person makes you FEEL not how they are and who they are and who you are and so on. This is another reason why it's best to disregard the naysayers who don't understand your personal happiness. Even if it might be only temporary, does it really matter so much? It's not easy to find someone in this world who makes us feel wonderful, so enjoy! <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 11:19 am 
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Whoops, double post.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 3:06 pm 
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The talk was a check-in, relationship evaluation thing. That was NOT clearly conveyed (obviously), he even agreed that he should have been more specific. But it wasn't entirely positive, because apparently there are some reservations about the future specifically concerning lifestyle and future goals. I mean, it's great that my guy is thinking ahead! Makes me feel nice that he potentially sees us together longer term... Doesn't make me happy that he feels I am too messy and too sensitive. Geez. See I'd get really mad about that last bit but wouldn't that just prove his point? Haha


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 5:29 pm 
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I'm glad that he agreed maybe he should have been clearer about the talk. I am not cool with someone calling me "too sensitive". It is a diss on a perceived personality trait, not a specific issue. If I were you, yeah, I would be mad about the last point. It's the "too" really that is the problem... Too sensitive for him to deal with or what?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 5:33 pm 
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I agree about the too sensitive. When my husband and I first got together, I was on a birth control pill that made me so damn emotional, I'd cry at the drop of a hat. My husband would just hug me and then I realized it was the BC, switched to a different one and became a lot less emotional.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 5:35 pm 
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Eh well I'm summarizing. I gathered my thoughts and said my peace the next day, so we're kosh (for now).


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 12:40 am 
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allularpunk wrote:
he likes Better than Ezra, which I didn't think anyone else had ever even heard of


OH DUDE, KEEP HIM!
(i am listening to BTE right now, not even kidding. :D)

Seriously though, you're happy, who the fork cares if he's older? One of my best friends is dating someone who's old enough that he (my friend) is actually closer in age to her oldest kid than he is to her, and when they started dating people gave them shiitake, and you know what, they've been together for like 3 years now and they're super happy and adorable together, and the people who gave them shiitake 3 years ago are eating...um...crow-fu.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 8:33 am 
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choirqueer wrote:
allularpunk wrote:
he likes Better than Ezra, which I didn't think anyone else had ever even heard of


OH DUDE, KEEP HIM!
(i am listening to BTE right now, not even kidding. :D)

Seriously though, you're happy, who the fork cares if he's older? One of my best friends is dating someone who's old enough that he (my friend) is actually closer in age to her oldest kid than he is to her, and when they started dating people gave them shiitake, and you know what, they've been together for like 3 years now and they're super happy and adorable together, and the people who gave them shiitake 3 years ago are eating...um...crow-fu.


Ha, crow-fu. <3 <3 <3 (also hearts for BTE, woo!)

Um, yeah. Seriously. He is super awesome. He is sleeping in my bed right now, after waking me up at 6:30am for an hour long fork fest. Besides all the emotional amazingness that I feel with him that I'm pretty sure I've never felt with anyone before, the sex is so good that I might die. I. Might. Die. From. Awesomeness. What a way to go. Last night, he said, 'You make these faces and moves like...you just don't know how to handle it.' And I had to inform him that it was because no one else had ever made me feel the things he makes me feel...down there. Embarrassing to admit, maybe, but true and totally rad. My heart and body and mind are all happy at once.

Forgot to mention also that I spoke with my parents about him again. They listened to me and are happy that I am happy, and maybe understand a bit more now. My mom says the age thing doesn't bother her at all. So. Good.

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