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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 4:38 pm 
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After becoming vegan I decided I could never have children. Has anyone else's veganisim led them to be child-free by choice?


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 5:22 pm 
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See, my mom never says anything about not having had kids, but I know it makes her sad. She is sososo excited when she is asked to babysit one of my cousin's kids. I mean, she spent years as the head of a child birth and child care dept of a hospital, so she does love kids. I remember once, like a decade ago, my mom was going through some storage stuff and came across some baby stuff she had saved and got really sad that she probably didn't have a point to keep it. I'm a lesbian and my brother has schizophrenia. I sort of squeaked out something about how, who knows, I may have kids. But my relationships have been so unstable and my baby-drive so low, that its never been enough of a possibility I guess. I know my mom would love it.

I can't say for sure that I wouldn't adopt some day if I'm in the right situation, actually. But, it will be a long time til I feel stable enough with someone that it would be something that could even be tripped into the "seriously considering it" realm.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 5:40 pm 
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Oh another thing:
My gf has liked her job well enough for the last 5 years. It wasn't her dream job but she was fine with marking time til she was ready to move on, going overseas or something in the next few years. Then, last fall her supervisor announced she was retiring. So, ladyfriend was conflicted- take the job she assumed she'd be offered because noone else has the experience and put off her future plans of teaching abroad or whatever a few more years.

Then, she finally hears about the opening and jumped on the chance to ask if she could finally get daytime hours because she is sick of working nights. This was maybe even just for the interim, and since she knows what job needs to be done, it seemed to be in everyone's best interests. Turns out the dept head has a preference, and its not for her. Its probably more personal BS but the boss actually said "you aren't getting this because this other guy in the department has kids." Gf calls her out, because it IS discrimination, boss freaks and now everything has spiraled into insane amounts of awkwardness and my gf pretty much can't stand it anymore. Because there are definitely biases for people with kids. And that sucks, because she's a morning person and hates working til 10pm.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 6:13 pm 
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I don't get any pressure from my parents. Just my grandma, but she's 95 and it doesn't bother me that much. She's so old and awesome that I'm just lucky she's still with us, so I can withstand her pokes and prods about marriage and kids. I think it must be really hard to get pressure from your parents, and I'm sorry to hear that's true with so many of those posting here.

Strangely, all the pressure I feel is from my peer group of friends and work friends. Amey, I'm in the same boat as you--very very few friends left w/o kids. So, while I get that for some people it's not a "BFD", for me it does feel this way on a daily basis, due to my work/home life. I am not sorry in any way--I love my life, but it just gets pointed out a lot, and that grates.

I'm excited because I'm heading off on a yoga retreat to Costa Rica tomorrow. These are the kinds of things I enjoy being able to do. I have a friend watching my dog companion, and otherwise I can just run away for ten days. I love that independence.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 7:28 pm 
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I gotta hand it to both my parents. I can't recall them ever breathing a word to me about having children. Neither of my sisters have kids nor will they (I'm the youngest). My mom got pregnant as a relatively young teen, and I just think she wanted something totally different for us. My stepmom never had kids, possibly not by her own choice, and I think maybe she came the closest to encouraging me, but never meddled.

On the in-law side, my father-in-law definitely let my husband know how much they enjoyed having a family, and they thought we would too, but considering my sister-in-law has 4 kids, we always knew we were getting off relatively easy there.


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 8:29 pm 
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I am happy to have zero family pressure to have kids. Apparently I made it clear from a young age that I wasn't interested, then as a teenager through 28 or so I didn't think about it at all, then I briefly thought about adopting (shocking my mother, who couldn't picture it), and now I'm 33 and just not interested. I'd be willing to step-parent for the right relationship, but it would not be something I sought out. My sister has 3 kids and lives near home, my parents have all the grandparenting opportunities they could want.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 9:25 pm 
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I think my mom is happy about it. She says she doesn't like kids. She'll never say "I don't want grandkids" because that's not the kinda thing you can say, really. But she's never tried to talk me out of not having any or pulled the "you say that now, but..." card or even asked my brother and his wife if/when they will. She will make vague comments about wanting to be a grandma, but it oddly doesn't feel like a push to have a kid more like just a statement of an identity she would enjoy. And I kind of want to be a grandma too, just not a mother.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 9:41 pm 
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Fee wrote:
And I kind of want to be a grandma too, just not a mother.


second! Haven't figured out how to pull it off. My original plan of being a stepmom didn't work out, ha.


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 9:42 pm 
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Fee wrote:
And I kind of want to be a grandma too, just not a mother.

Those darn pre-requisites!

And being a responsible spay and neuter type, no grandmothering to the beasties, either.


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 9:44 pm 
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My mom used to pressure me. Now if I bring it up she begs me not to! I'm almost insulted.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 9:49 pm 
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I hope that doesn't get taken the wrong way. (What I said.)


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 9:57 pm 
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JillW wrote:
Fee wrote:
And I kind of want to be a grandma too, just not a mother.


second! Haven't figured out how to pull it off. My original plan of being a stepmom didn't work out, ha.

Me too! I figure by the time I'm grandmother age there'll be a technology for it.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 10:47 pm 
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I'm an only child, and the only times I ever feel bad about not having kids is when I think about my parents. They have always been completely supportive of my choice, but I know that they would love to be grandparents so, so much. I really wish there was some way that could happen for them without me being a parent.


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 7:39 am 
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IsaChandra wrote:
My mom used to pressure me. Now if I bring it up she begs me not to! I'm almost insulted.

haha! I suspect my mom might do the same.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 8:31 am 
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My dad never wanted children in the first place, so he'd be the last person to try and pressure me into reproducing. My mum, who originally wanted 6 kids but luckily stopped at 2, told me and my sister at a very young age that there were two things she would "disown" her daughters for: become nuns, and not have children. It was said in jest, but she keeps asking me about kids, and everytime I have a new boyfriend she asks if he wants kids. Luckily for me, none wanted, so she's kind of given up by now.
My current boyfriend's parents apparently would want grandchildren, but he is just as adamant as I am aginst it, so no luck for them.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 4:39 pm 
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Roo wrote:
I'm an only child, and the only times I ever feel bad about not having kids is when I think about my parents. They have always been completely supportive of my choice, but I know that they would love to be grandparents so, so much. I really wish there was some way that could happen for them without me being a parent.

Even though I have a half brother, he's way older and doesn't communicate with us so I'm essentially an only child. So this is the way my mom tries to guilt me, that I'm the only one to have a grandchild for her. It's frustrating but I'm standing firm!

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 4:57 pm 
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I know that my mom would LOVE it if I had kids. Years ago, I asked her if she'd be disappointed if I never had kids, and she said yes. Gulp. I've pretty much been afraid to talk about it with her again, because I love her so much and it would be very emotional for me. She and I are super close, and I know she would really groove on my kids, and vice versa. Thinking about that sort of thing is the only thing that makes me think about having kids

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 1:00 am 
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ameyfm wrote:
I know that my mom would LOVE it if I had kids. Years ago, I asked her if she'd be disappointed if I never had kids, and she said yes. Gulp. I've pretty much been afraid to talk about it with her again, because I love her so much and it would be very emotional for me. She and I are super close, and I know she would really groove on my kids, and vice versa. Thinking about that sort of thing is the only thing that makes me think about having kids

This is so totally exactly where I stand with my mum!


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 1:18 pm 
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I just turned 40 and still haven't had a day where I wish I had kids. No pressure from any family or friends, except for the occasional "when you meet the right guy you'll change your mind" stuff. But last Christmas my dad made a comment about how he always thought he'd be surrounded by grandkids (my sister has 1 kid and my brother's wife is expecting their first). It was like he was sad. I just decided to let that comment fall right on my sister & brother. :)

I am happy taking care of my turtles!


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 6:55 pm 
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I'm 32 and can't ever remember seriously wanting to have kids. I grew up in a kind of small town and most of my high school friends got married and started having kids after graduation rather than going to college. My plan was always college and career. My brother and his wife have 3 kids, so I think the fact that my parents have grandchildren from one of us is enough for them. I've mentioned not wanting kids to my mom a few times over the years and was pleasantly surprised when she mentioned to my aunt (who was recently asking if/when my boyfriend and I were going to have kids) that I don't want kids. I've never really had a maternal instinct, except towards animals. I think babies are adorable and I will hold them, and I play with my nieces and nephews, but it always feels strange to me. I feel much more comfortable around cats and dogs than kids (or people in general). I don't know. Maybe I'm just a misanthrope.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 6:43 am 
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I am a little surprised that so many people even consider their parents' thoughts on the subject. It could definitely be a cultural thing, but I've never heard anyone I know in real life take their parents' wishes to become grandparents into consideration AT ALL. Am I alone in this?


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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 7:44 am 
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I'm a fence-sitter about having children. I'm an only child, and I definitely would feel guilty about not "giving" my parents a grandchild, as I know my mom would be really sad about it. I'm not saying that alone would make me decide to have a child, but it weighs on my mind.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 10:38 am 
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well, i think of it in genetics terms. clearly our parents wanted their genes to be carried on in to the future. they went through all the trouble to have kids and raise them and spent a lot of money throughout their lives. if those kids then didn't have kids of their own, essentially, all that effort goes out the window. (and by that time, the would-be grandparents are too old to have another kid to hang all of their hopes on.)

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 10:59 am 
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i didn't care what my choice meant to my parents until my dad became friends with a new neighbor who had a son who was about three or four years old. one day while i was home visiting, i saw him over in their yard playing basketball with them with the kid's tiny hoop, and he looked so happy. my mom said she saw him out there all the time, and he always wanted to talk about that kid when he came home. and she just looked sort of sad. my mom had always whined about my anti-baby stance and made a big show of how she had saved all my favorite books so she could read them to my kids and blah blah, but she's just, you know, she's whiny, and it felt like one more instance of her telling me how far i was from the daughter she'd imagined having. she hadn't been that involved with us when we were kids, and she never wanted to play with us (she told us once that she was really surprised and disappointed by how much we wanted to run around), so i figured any kid of mine would have been a nightmare for her, anyway, because i would not have been raising any pretty porcelain dolls. in the end, though, when i had finally explained it to her in enough detail, she told me she understood. my dad never said anything at all, and i guess i figured he didn't care one way or the other. that day was the first time i recognized that i was taking something from them. your kids are your kids for such a short time, and there must be a lot of comfort in the idea of getting a little bit of that back someday. it would never be enough to sway me, but it is more than enough to make me feel sad and guilty. i'll just have to get extra-awesome dogs who can learn to play soccer, i guess.

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 Post subject: Re: Women who have chosen not to have kids
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 11:25 am 
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supercarrot wrote:
well, i think of it in genetics terms. clearly our parents wanted their genes to be carried on in to the future. they went through all the trouble to have kids and raise them and spent a lot of money throughout their lives. if those kids then didn't have kids of their own, essentially, all that effort goes out the window. (and by that time, the would-be grandparents are too old to have another kid to hang all of their hopes on.)


That is assuming that the reason that the parents had kids in the first place was to pass on genetics

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