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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 11:17 am 
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Vantine wrote:
If he was really awesome for you, you would not have to vent on a message board.

Yeah. :/ I know.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 11:26 am 
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ndpittman wrote:
Jordanpattern is wise. I think it's one of the hardest things when someone seems like the right person, but the circumstances are not right. Which almost hurts more, but it's vitally important to a relationship.
.

That's what I thought about my last relationship, that it was great and she was right, but the time wasn't. Then I heard back from her and, oh, nope "I was initially very excited (enough to almost scare me away...) but eventually I realized I was going another way and we were never that compatible."

This is why I try to never be excited about things, keep my cool and probably too aloof. If I hadn't let myself in so much, maybe I never would have felt the things that make this so hard even still; did I feel these things for real or was it some response to someone eles's excessive excitement about a new person? Blah.

It was easier to get over my emotionally abusive ex over this one. They did other kinds of damage but it wasn't so sad.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 11:35 am 
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lycophyte wrote:
That's what I thought about my last relationship, that it was great and she was right, but the time wasn't. Then I heard back from her and, oh, nope "I was initially very excited (enough to almost scare me away...) but eventually I realized I was going another way and we were never that compatible."

It doesn't mean you were wrong. Maybe it's a matter of different perspectives in general, maybe she doesn't see things that way, maybe she wanted to remove any hope due to worries that you would 'wait'.

Whatever, it doesn't mean you were wrong.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 11:37 am 
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Pshaw. That's what dating and relating is. You have to be open to other people and that means both hurting people and getting hurt sometimes. I am sorry that this breakup has been so hard for you but I am happy that you've been in good relationships recently and have been able to move on when they were not right. It's ok if someone thinks that you aren't the right person. It doesn't mean a thang about you. You are a delight.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 12:15 pm 
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pandacookie wrote:
Pshaw. That's what dating and relating is. You have to be open to other people and that means both hurting people and getting hurt sometimes. I am sorry that this breakup has been so hard for you but I am happy that you've been in good relationships recently and have been able to move on when they were not right. It's ok if someone thinks that you aren't the right person. It doesn't mean a thang about you. You are a delight.


True stuff. And I can't help being optimistic. It helps that even Wilson says that you know what? The person that is RIGHT is going to have all that 'right' feelings, but ALSO so much more. In our conversation that means not only is the person going to be kind, generous, smart, etc., but we're also going to have something in a common or maybe a shared cultural touchstone or something. (He doesn't get a lot of my jokes, which is frustrating for me, because I think I'm a laugh riot.)

Possibly more important though is that you are happy with yourself and that you know you are the right person for yourself.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 12:57 pm 
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ndpittman wrote:
I think I'm a laugh riot.

i am pretty sure you're correct. come down to NY and I will throw my entire family under the bus to hang with you.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 1:09 pm 
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torque wrote:
ndpittman wrote:
I think I'm a laugh riot.

i am pretty sure you're correct. come down to NY and I will throw my entire family under the bus to hang with you.

Yes please!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 1:20 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
torque wrote:
ndpittman wrote:
I think I'm a laugh riot.

i am pretty sure you're correct. come down to NY and I will throw my entire family under the bus to hang with you.

Yes please!


Aw! I'm blushing! I do need to do that sometime though.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 3:08 pm 
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torque wrote:
ndpittman wrote:
I think I'm a laugh riot.

i am pretty sure you're correct. come down to NY and I will throw my entire family under the bus to hang with you.
Ms Pittman is indeed correct in her self-assessment.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 3:19 pm 
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The boy took me to a birthday party for his friend's daughter, and I met 10 of his friends at once...I'm already socially anxious, and this was so overwhelming, especially because everyone was drinking and smoking and the only person I'd ever even met in passing was my boyfriend...but all these people knew so much about me.
I was polite, but I was so quiet because I was fighting off a panic attack.
When we got in the car, I was still quiet, trying to relax, and he got upset because I wasn't being very talkative.

His friends were so nice and I'm sure I'd love all of them in a quieter, smaller environment. But that was so overwhelming and I was so uncomfortable, and so very upset he was upset with me and laughing when I tried to explain my anxiety to him. Sigh.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 6:42 pm 
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Hugs to you missdelaney. I think it's really difficult for someone without anxiety issues to appreciate how a situation like this can make a person feel. They are his friends of course and he knows how wonderful they are so he can't see what there was to be anxious about.

If he was annoyed I'm sure it was only because he wanted them to see just how awesome he knows you are, and you to see just how awesome he thinks they are. He's probably just a bit disappointed it didn't pan out the way he imagined. Hopefully though he has learned something for next time there are people to meet.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2013 1:16 am 
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thanks :)

Yeah, it's simply understanding each other. I was just floored- it's been a long time since I've met someone who didn't have a solid understanding of anxiety. And I can totally understand it not working out how he wanted! I told him we should most definitely try again in a smaller group and more relaxed setting, so we will.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2013 3:36 pm 
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A very good thing (kissing thing) happened with a friend that I like a lot! However, alcohol was involved beforehand so I'm not getting my hopes up too much yet.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 20, 2013 1:43 pm 
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Sounds exciting Imogen - how are things going now?


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 20, 2013 3:13 pm 
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NatureBoy says he was 'thoroughly pleased' by our domestic experiment (I stayed 2 weeks at his place) and thinks we should try to replicate it as soon as possible. I am also pleased, and miss his face and snuggles thoroughly now that I've had 4 days to sleep on my own. (I am still thrilled to have some time apart; the last thing I want to do is smother this amazing thing out of existence. But we are both so smitten and etc. with each other and how this thing is working out, I want more. Already.)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Sun Oct 20, 2013 4:09 pm 
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eeeee, lutin. That is so great.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 8:32 am 
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Great to see people having sweet experiences and a good time in love! :)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 9:34 am 
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Awesome, lutin!

I rarely think about the age difference between T and myself, until something like this happens: I was talking about the Saved by the Bell episode where Jessi is on diet pills and does the 'I'm so excited! I'm so scared!' thing and how Elizabeth Berkley re-did it on Dancing with the Stars. And he had no idea what I was talking about. He has never seen an episode of Saved by the Bell. Which makes total sense because it was on from 1989-93, when I was 7-11, prime Bell watching age, and he was 21-25, when it probably would have been pretty weird to be watching a show like that. We can't bond over Saved by the Bell! Luckily, we have our mutual love of all things Seinfeld, and it's not a real problem anyway, just funny.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 10:23 am 
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Hey! I watched Saved by the Bell and so did my husband! (I was 14 in 1989 and my husband was 16). Ok that wasn't 21 but :)

I always thought 90210 was teeny bopper but maybe not as young as Saved by the Bell? I never watched it but I remember being a freshman in college and there was this guy addicted to tv, he was always in the tv room (I swear he didn't go to class or study) watching various shows including 90210. The funny thing is that they taped it outside our dorm so I was like uhhh dude, let someone else change the channel and go watch the filming outside but nope.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 10:52 am 
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I have posted here before and never gotten much of a reply. Hoping for a little help this time :-) We had a huge fight this weekend about my mother and I am not sure what to do.

Two years ago, when we first started dating, we had a dinner at her apartment where she came on a little strong, asked him all sorts of prying questions and made him feel uncomfortable. We asked me to set some boundaries with her (for instance that he did not have to go to her house again but would come if it was out in public) and I did. I also talked to her about how he felt, and she has not done it again. But I guess his horrible ex's mother was similar (and is a distant acquaintance of my mother, although they are not friends) so he was gun-shy.

Since then, he has seen her less than a dozen times, but it has all been fine. She bought his son a birthday present. She drove him to Costco and let him use her card. He told me things were getting easier. Then this weekend he had a fight with his ex and blew up about it and made it about my mom. He said she is too similar to his ex's mother, that he does not like her personality and just does not want to be around her---ever. He asked me if she had to come when we get married. He asked me if I would feel comfortable cutting her out of my life for a year.

Once we had both calmed down a little, he apologized and took it all back, said he was under stress about his ex, was upset, that it would be ok etc. BUT...he still doesn't like her. I told him that had nothing to do with MY relationship with her and he agreed. I told him that *never* seeing her is simply not realistic. He agreed. But he also admitted he will likely always struggle with this and he is relieved that she is going to Florida next month for the winter so he won't have to worry about it. He has promised to revisit things when she comes home.

So...how big a deal should this be for me? We have been in therapy together to help him deal with the fallout from his divorce, and when we see the dr (he is out of town right now) I think he can help us negotiate some good guidelines here. I don't think I am asking for much since my family is not super-close and we don't get together a ton anyway. But I do think it's reasonable to ask him to suck it up sometimes, even for people he dislikes, to benefit me. I don't think it is fair that I compromise 100% of the time and he compromise 0% of the time. I am hoping that if we can work out a fair set of guidelines, he can just follow the plan and be fine, but is that unrealistic? Will I be spending the rest of my life fighting about this with him? Should this be a deal-breaker in an otherwise great partnership?

Fwiw my mother is in Florida for half the year. Of the six months she is here for two of them my step-brothers kids are away at camp so she does not do family dinners. So the amount of contact we are talking about here is maybe 1-2 dinners a month that I go to without him, the occassional dinner out which it would be nice if he came for, the family hanukkah party, which is the one event a year that the whole family comes for, and dinner out on my birthday, which is important to me. Maybe 1-2 times a year, relatives from out of town visit, and if he could come for desert that would be nice, but we can work up to that...


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 11:12 am 
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Well I guess it is different for myself and my husband but neither of us see either of our family a lot.

I like my husband's parents, his brother and his sister. I cannot stand his sister's boyfriend. So sometimes my husband goes alone to visit her. Sometimes I go and endure it. I think it is a little give and take.

I don't care for my stepfather and my mom is a bit of a busy body but my husband endures 2 visits per year to visit my family.

Anyway, I think both of you just have to figure out what works for you, a little give and take. It doesn't mean your partner should be there every time but for things that are important to you, I would express that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 11:15 am 
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linanil wrote:
Hey! I watched Saved by the Bell and so did my husband! (I was 14 in 1989 and my husband was 16). Ok that wasn't 21 but :)


Yeah, but you were in high school, and thus it was relatable. I didn't really mean to say it would be weird to have watched it in your 20s, but I can see why he wouldn't want to, since high school was over and all that. I lost a lot of interest in high school themed stuff once I got into my 20s.

ficbot, that downright sucks. My last 3 major relationships involved mothers that hated me or that I hated being around, but I still went around them when my exes wanted. I always viewed it that I want them to come to see my family, so I go to see theirs. It's just...something you do? Or maybe it isn't for most people, I don't know, but that's how I see it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 11:33 am 
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Ficbot, to be honest, your post raised some red flags for me. Asking you to cut your mother out of your life for a year because she (essentially) reminds him of his ex's mother? Frankly, I think that's nuts. Sure, he said it in the heat of an argument and then sort of took it back, but I'd still be concerned if that was my partner. I'm with AP in that you have to just suck it up a bit and deal with interacting with your partner's family to an extent. It doesn't sound like either you or your mother expects him to see or interact with her an unreasonable amount, and while it appears she and him got off to a rocky start, but that your mom was responsive when asked to accommodate your partner. It's not unreasonable to ask your partner to simply be a grownup and not have a meltdown because your mom happens to remind him of someone else.

It sounds like for whatever reason, your dude has not worked through his feelings and issues with his ex (and her mother?!), and so now his feelings and resentment and whatever from that relationship is spilling over into yours, which isn't fair to you. You mentioned you guys have been in therapy, and that sounds like a great thing. However, it also sounds like maybe your guy would benefit from some one-on-one therapy, since it sounds like his ex issues are things HE needs to deal with, rather than things you need to work on together. So, I guess, the way I see it, that's the real issue that needs resolving.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 11:41 am 
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Ficbot, my husband immediately and instinctively did not like my family (my father, who also didn't like him, but by association everyone else) and basically sat down toddler-style and said i will not go there with you, period. I said, OK, fair enough.
When my family started the drama about why he didn't like them, etcetc, i was really firm and said look, that's his decision, I respect his decision and that's that, and refused to engage. No good could come from discussion.
but it was clear with us that I would still be going to these events alone. it is very unfair to make you choose between two people you love.

I wouldn't have been happy with being asked to cut off communications. that is something that is just not negotiable, and too controlling for me.

i'm glad you guys are in therapy, sounds like a good place to explore how he would feel if you went on without him. and also, i guess it's good to remember that it may not be permanent, things change, he may come around and not be so overwhelmed by his past to the point that it affects his present. maybe instead of talking about a year or forever, to just talk about hanukka or this time, this month.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 11:56 am 
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Personally, I don't take it lightly when a partner cannot or will not get along with my family. I see my family quite a bit more than it sounds like you do (once or twice a week usually), and they are extremely important to me. If a partner gets jealous or can't handle that, then the relationship is pretty much over for me. I do think therapy is a great thing though, if it helps work through problems.

Take my advice with a grain of salt, my last boyfriend would get drunk (months after the breakup and after he moved across the country) and text my mom horrible, disgusting things that I won't repeat, and would also text my brother late night threats. So this issue is a little sensitive for me.


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